Aysha

I dont know why I am posting this. I do enough whining as it is.
Today I just want to cry and cry and just go somewhere and never come back.
I am feeling the heat from all these relapses. My past is coming back to haunt me yet again.
I knew when I went messin with that dam rental what was going to happen.
I am so weak in the face of that dam drug.
Also I went to the job interview. They do a background check because I am applying for management and boy are they gonna change their minds quick when they see what they find. It's been well over 6 years since I have been in trouble with the law (not counting this crap from the last job)
And I told her I was a bad kid and i have a colorful past. I am not going to lie. But this job if I were to get it. I would be traveling and training in other stores until ours is open. I was excited about that. But I know when they see my background I wont be able to get within 20 feet of a job with them.
My grams also turned me in to the cops for getting money from her account when she said I could. I guess she got mad because I was gone 6 days and figured she would get back at me by calling the cops and telling them I took the money when in fact she said I could have it. So a Sheriff investigator just left here and no I was not nice to her. My grams knows cops is crossing the line. She has never called the cops on me before. She should have plebty of times. But that is an understanding we have. We never involve the law. This is from a woman who dug me a space deep in her closet one time when I jumped bail and had me a hiding spot all ready.
I feel like I have noone now. I always thought I could trust her and go to her for anything. But now she has even turned on me.
I guess it is to be expected. I blame noone but myself. I deserve every bit of it. But I never thought she would turn on me. I am going to just pack my **** and go. Move back to Florida Or North Carolina and be away from my family. Then they wont have to deal with my **** anymore. Go back to doing what I know I know best. Because it sure as hell seems like I cant get this freakin recovery **** down. I guess I am what I am and I am always going to be this way.
I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. Because this post sounds like a big pity party. But it is just how I feel right now.

Anna

You don't deserve bad things in your life Chi.

Your Grandmother is trying to help you now. In my opinion, what she has been doing (hiding you and not going to the police) has been wrong. It has not been helpful for you, in the big picture. She has been your safety net and that has enabled you to have more relapses. If you believe you are on your own now, then, now is the time to step up and get the help you need to get better.

Maybe you will get this job and maybe you won't. If you don't get it, it's because it's not the right time for you. Maybe you need to take some more time getting well and taking care of yourself.

You deserve a good life.

Jersey Nonny

OK..look out...I'm about to knock you off that "pity pot"! Sounds like your Grandmother is finally trying to practice "tough love"...it isn't that she's turned on you, but that she's trying to get you to turn your life around.

Five months ago (after over ten years of co-dependency), I had to make a decision to sign myself into a nursing home, in order to leave my drug addicted son nowhere to go but a VA hospital. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do when I sobbed like a baby as I told him I was giving notice on the apartment and he had two weeks to find somewhere else to live. Thank God he started contacting the VA, and they had a bed for him just in time. Tough love isn't easy, but it's often the only way to get through to the ones we care so much about.

Rowan

Trish, you said it seems like you can't get this recovery down. What does that mean? Besides outpatient, what have you done, what action have you taken to really work on your recovery? Think about this for a minute.
You have been given suggestions and directions by other members here - members who are recovering themselves. One suggestion was treatment. Another was NA meetings. What are you willing to do?
Packing up and leaving your family behind is the easy way out. It's running. And guess what? When you get to Florida, or wherever, you'll still have the problem: yourself.
So - no more excuses. Here is my question for you: are you willing to start attending NA? Yes? or No?

Luckyv2

Heck Trish My Friend I wish I knew what the answer was to getting this recovery down! Hell that is something to think about because IMO none of us have this recovery down! This is a daily thing. We all wake up in the morning and we have to make a decision each day. I wake up sometimes felling like **** but I just don't use. It isn't easy Trish. I know a huge amount of people say "OH LIFE IS GOOD I NEVER THINK ABOUT GETTING HIGH/DRINKING! BS

Hell this is the life that is "NORMAL" for us. And you know what it is going to take a LONG time for me to change. It doesn't happen overnight and guess what? Recovery doesn't happen in a life time either.

Love Ya

With Love and Respect

Vic

PS I only came back because I saw your thread so the more you post the more you might see me

Alive

Hey, my friend...It's gonna hurt more and more, but it's suppose to...in reality you know you have to deal with it...you can't escape and get high, because that's the only way a problem won't take your sleep....Chiy whether you get the job or not, is gonna seem a huge issue right now, but by my own experience( i lost a lot of shots, because i wasn't able to look at things with distance and objectivity) you need to know that you will survive with the job or not....Most important is that you can go to a job and know you won't quit on your sobriety, not even if the day is the worse day of your life...you know?...i found this out...:
the moment i stand by my own personal promises, nobody will dare to not believe me....if you keep yourself at peace, nobody can mess with you....only thing that will give you peace is to make anything to be clean..

what have you got to loose with NA?
what have you got to win? .......( part where you add a kazillion things)


it's a disease and you know it....it's not going to be easy to be clean...but you are a survivor...

stone

Perhaps your Grams was worried about where you had dissapeared to and called the cops so they would look for you? I dunno. Maybe she then would have dropped the charges? Have you talked to her about it? Sounds to me like she is the best friend you have, dont throw it away.

Dont give up hun, if you dont get the job it could be that it gives you time to just focus on going to rehab or NA or both.

GlassPrisoner

Rowan speaks the truth. I know we hate being told what to do, but if you don't follow some of the suggestions you've been given I fear you're heading for even worse trouble. Oh yes, it can get worse. What you're going through now is nothing.

Aysha

Your right. I really havent done anything for my recovery except half assed attempts at this and that. Still fighting it I guess. Thinking somehow I can still do it somewhat on my own. I guess it's time to just give in and say it.
I really cant do it by myself or by myself with self help programs.
If this job falls through I am checking in somewhere. I guess that is my only option right now. I just have to stick it out and not get all home sick and check myself out. This time though I will find a program that allows visitors and isnt full of court ordered patients. Not because theres anything wrong with that. But I dont need to be around people that are forced there that are just going to cause drama like in the last place I went.
I do need treatment and bad.
I thought my familiy's support and my determination was enough.
But obviously it isnt.
Right about now I would say F it all and go ape **** and go on self destruct. But I have progressed some. I do want help. I want to get better.
I am so freakin sick and tired of this freakin endless cycle. And everytime I relapse it gets worse and harder. It drains me mentally, physically and emotionally. The let downs are really getting to me.
I am so hard headed and set in my ways.
I guess its time to hand the drivers seat to someone else. As much as I hate to. I have no choice.

Rowan

I'll do whatever I can to help, Trish. I'm grateful that you're willing to get help. I pray that you follow through.

bval

Glad to see the progression of your thoughts on this thread, even though I just found this site today and don't know a lick about you, I want to see you succeed at your sobriety.

If I were you, I would do 90 meetings in 90 days in NA/AA (either/both doesn't matter, same program). Rather than committing yourself, commit to the simple program you'll find waiting for you, for FREE, in 'the rooms', rooms that are full of people who want nothing more than to support your recovery and help you find a new way of life.

This is the OPPOSITE of a 'self-help' program, btw.

I would, if I were you, just promise yourself you'll do a 90/90 no matter what, even if you relapse, and then proceed to show yourself you can be somewhere for one hour everyday, and that you're capable of sitting down and listening to what people who KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO ABOUT THE SUBJECT have to say about living life sober.

You'll probably find that, rather than being some kind of chore, it's going to feel very quickly like COMING HOME in a way that you've never felt before in your life. Finally, here are the people that UNDERSTAND, who actually CAN and WANT TO HELP ME! I know I said to myself ... Just in time! What a RELIEF!

You're right about the driver's seat thing, but I'm not sure you understand who should be in it instead of yourself. My bet is that you need to put a higher power (of YOUR understanding) into the driver's seat, rather than your own ego-driven will that's put you where you are right now. Doesn't matter if it's 'God', doesn't matter if you don't even understand what the heck your higher power is or should be called. It's identity, it's name, is irrelevant. The point is about having faith that something greater than yourself can run the show instead of yourself, that it will show you the way, that it will protect you from anything beyond what you can handle in the future, and that you are loved no matter what.

Believe in a power greater than yourself, and put that power in charge, and your worries become entirely manageable without the use of drugs or alcohol. And what's really cool is you only have to do it one day at a time. Truly makes it much easier.

It's that, or jails, institutions and eventually death. Take your pick...

Anna

Trish, I think you have the right idea in looking for a treatment centre.

I do believe you will be able to do this, you just need some help.

Alive

I am glad...you are a friend and i am glad you are taking care of yourself...if i could i would cross this computer and be there, but i can't, so all i can say is that i believe in your spirit....and your spirit will win!

Aysha

Well I feel better. I talked to my grams. She hates it because she said even though I **** her off I always make her laugh. Makes me feel like Samuel L jackson in Jungle Fever.
The lil ones just left and I love it when they giggle. So that made my day.
I told her if I dont get this job I am going inpatient again.
Today has been such an up and down day.
I could use some xanax but I gave them all away.
Oh well. Better off without em.
Thanks all of you. I know I can always come here and let it out and get honest responses.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hey, guess what? You've just taken the first step!!

Karen

scaredykat

I don't have any words of wisdom except to say listen to everyone here and not give up and keep posting. Everyone cares here a lot.

Barb

SaTiT

CHi,

I said , i won't stand in the way of your recovery.

what it realyy means is...i can't stopped you or get in the way of you hitting your bottom.
Your grand mother can't stop you. You can't imagine
how hurt your grandmother is..becuase you're too busy worrying
about your own BS. You can't inagine how much it hurts to call
the cops on your own family member..becuase your too busy
worrying all about me, myself, and I and F everyone else.

Addiction is a cunning enemy of life and it f-up a lot of people,
not just the use or addict themselves...you knew that.
Read some of your own post when you first sign on to SR..
See now fast you forget..See how it messes with you or is destroying you ?

Until you have had enough, whatever that is...

Just keep in mind..it dosn't get better and it's a garantee that it
would get worst. As you know..

No , recovery is not easy and it's a pain in the ass somtimes,
but it is the easier softer way.

no matter where you go..there you are.

i will alway care about you chi..but it hurts too much sometimes for me too.

AcceptingChange

So many people want what you want for yourself, and that is for you to
join us on this difficult road of not destroying ourselves.
We're all doing it to. Yes, it's hard, and it can suck.
But the other choice of using sucks worse.

That hard-headedness can also be called 'determined-resolve'.
It's a wonderful personality trait. You just have to learn to use it to help yourself,
instead of harming yourself.

So, how about if you get hard-headed about never using again?
And, since you have tried that before, like so many others, how about if
you resolve to get professional treatment (as you stated in "...it's time to hand the driver's seat to someone else."
I do agree with what you are saying.
But I also hope you feel YOU are in the drivers seat for YOUR recovery.
It's very difficult to deal with this. It truly is.
But as K. said, try to put some long-term perspective on this.
Forget what the next 30-60-120 days hold.
How about making a promise to yourself "I don't give a f*** what a i go through,
but in 60 (or 90, or 360) days, i will be clean."

All of us, especially me, has to learn how to use our personality
effectively, to help ourselves, not harm ourselves.
Life is difficult and challenging. Please don't beat yourself up for the past.
We can only control today, our actions now. Regret has no use for any of us.

wishing the best for you.

GlassPrisoner

Yup, And the outcome is never guaranteed.

Chi, recovery is a paradox. You have to surrender to win. When you quit analyzing everything, the answers come. To get out of the hole, you have to quit digging. When I stopped fighting, it got SOOOOO much easier. But we're hard headed, and set in our ways. Self-reliance has got us out of every other difficult situation in out lives, why can't we just will this addiction away ?

Because we're powerless over our addiction.

Accept that and you're on your way.

IO Storm

Chiy..

"This time though I will find a program that allows visitors and isnt full of court ordered patients."

Guess what? The day may come when YOU will be the court ordered patient

with limited visitors...if you make it back the next time.

This disease we have is progressive and fatal.

When things get uncomfortable for us..when we think life sucks...and everyone is

out there are to get us..we drink or use to cope.

Loved ones do not have this option...their pain and worry continues and increases

until they have to distance themselves and stop enabling us.

They do this to save their own sanity and not have heart attacks because

of our selfish thinking and behaviors.

Trish..I'm not doing too well myself lately..so I won't be responding to

or reading your posts.

I love you and pray yo'll find your way.

Love,

IO