Jules62

Chiy,

I hope you don't leave and never come back.I'd miss you.I hope you do get the help you need though.

Thinking of you,

Love,

Jules xox

Missymae737

Chiy,

Have you truly surrendered to this disease of addiction?

If someone told me I would lose everything due to my addiction three years ago, I would have told them they are nuts. Guess what? I did lose everything. I have no where to go but up and away from addiction. I have surrendered. The other option? death.

Thinking of you...

marle

Chiy, I want to give you a little perspective from the other side-your grams. Yesterday I went to the bank only to find that my account has an alert on it. I have been on my daughter's account since she was 15. Never thought about taking myself off of it. Well yesterday I did because she is now passing bad checks that her abf is stealing from his mom. I tried to contact my daughter (have not heard from her in about a month). No answer on the abf's phone. (This is my only child, her boyfriend is abusive and she has told me should anything happen to her, he will dump her body.) Anyway, I called the motel that she was living with him at and they told me that they have not seen her for 2 weeks and have not seen the boyfriend for a week. They owe three weeks back rent. Okay so I call the State Police to file a missing persons report and am told I can't do that because she does not have a permanent address and they are too busy to chase after her. So here I sit not knowing what has happened to my beautiful daughter, my only child, my addict. Maybe your grandmother was feeling the same. You need help. The next time out she may be getting that phone call that we all fear. The bank is going to prosecute my daughter if they can find her. She is looking at a felony. That is not how I thought my beautiful, talented, intelligent daughter's life would turn out like. Now I just hope that she is alive. Take care of yourself. Your grams loves you. She does not deserve this worry and the only one that can stop it is you. Said with love because I do care and you are worth so much more. Hugs, Marle

CarolD

(((Marle)))
Thank you for taking the time to reacch out
during your pain.

My addicted son Ross has been missing for 12+ years
I pray for him and pretend he is alive somewhere ...
enjoying a healthy life.

I find comfort in that idea
even tho I do not expect to ever know.

Prayers for you and your daughter.

SaTiT

Well I feel better. I talked to my grams. She hates it because she said even though I **** her off I always make her laugh. Makes me feel like Samuel L jackson in Jungle Fever.


that Dr. jeckle and Mrs.Hyde BS... is what drives your grandmother off the freaken
wall.

Seriousely..if you say you're hard head and can handle everything and knows what's best.
How about getting tough and stop driving your grandmother crazy by dragging her motions
through the mud ?
if you have so much pride or ego in yourself..how about stopping f-ing up your life.
Why can't you apply those traits when it comes to bettering yourself.
Not convient or what ???
Please tell me ...anyone, any addict out there that think they have it all under control...
why the F is it...that you can't get your shiet together..if you have so much pride and control ??
Where the F did your ego go ?????

Rusty Zipper

conditions.. ng

the dreaded "If's"


hows this...

"if i was to hit my internal botom, if i might surender it all... if i may change? i might have a chance!"

bval

Missy Mae
Truer words were never spoken, my friend. It took three years out for me too, and I too wouldn't have believed (I know for a fact I didn't) things could ever have gotten as bad as they did ... not back when the three years started. I lost SO FRIGGIN MUCH - condo, job, girlfriend, trust, hope, love, contact/sharing with real friends who weren't addicts, I could go on and on. God do I wish I could go back to who I was when I had almost 120 days in the Fellowship and just REALLY BELIEVE what the people there were telling me - 90/90, Sponsor, Steps, etc. Maybe it would've worked, and I wouldn't be where I am today.

bval

If the 'job falls through', Chiy, I suggest you adopt the attitude that it's what was supposed to happen, rather than as a personal affront, like some big set-back.

EVERYTHING in life has two sides, unless you're talking about something like a loss of a child, there are ALWAYS two ways to look at everything. Look at the bad side, or look at the good side. And training your mind to do this is a HUGE, HUGE part of 'recovery'. Trust me on this one. So, if you don't get the job, look at it as a blessing. A chance to do what you REALLY need to do.

Chances are, unless you get clean, you're going to f**k it all up anyway, sorry to have to say that to you, but you probably already know it's true.

Aysha

I really hope your speaking in general rather than directly at me with all that nasty mouth.
And no ..what I meant when I said I make her laugh is my affirmation that she DOES still love me and can work past all the BS just like I have to.

Marle I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. You also Carol with your son.
Makes my problems seem so petty.
Thank you for opening my eyes a little more.
I am thinking of you.

bval

A song that has kick-started my recovery (and brought me to tears) more times than I care to mention, just thought I'd share. I wish it was on youtube, but if you have Rhapsody installed you can apparently listen to it for free... I challenge anyone to listen to this song whilst reading along with the words and not be completely ruined (like, in a moved sort of way), ESPECIALLY if you are early-on in recovery...

Prince of Darkness
~ the indigo girls

I dont know when I noticed life was life at my expense
The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
My dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave

But there was a time I asked my father for a dollar
And he gave it a ten dollar raise
And when I needed my mother and I called her
She stayed with me for days

Now someones on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someones on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someones got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom

But I tried to make this place my place
I ask for providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
Yeah but Ill tell you

My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark

By Grace My Sight
Grows Stronger
And I will not be a Pawn
for the Prince of Darkness
... any longer


Maybe theres no haven in this world for tender age
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve
And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve

The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder
I was half the naked distance between hell and heavens ceiling
And he almost pulled me under

Now someones on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someones on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someones got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we arent gluttons for our doom

But I tried to make this place my place
I asked for providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But Ill tell you

My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark

By Grace My Sight
Is Growing Stronger
And I will not be a Pawn
for the Prince of Darkness
... any longer

~ emily saliers

marle

Chiy, I wanted to tell you thank you for thinking of me and my daughter. Also that I did find out tonight where my daughter is. Not a good place but she is alive. The abf's boss's wife was sweet enough to call me with the information. Take care of yourself. You do have a lot to give. Hugs, Marle

Grateful Heart

Hi Chiynita, I hope you'll give NA or AA a try before the inpatient program. I understand why your Grandmother called the police; she was no doubt worried sick about you. Please don't be angry at her for that. And btw, it was Wesley Snipes in Jungle Fever, not Samuel L. Jackson GH

Aysha

Samuel played snipes crackhead brother. He use to do his little dance when he wanted money.

So glad to hear it MArle. Knowing is half the battle I guess.
I never want to hurt my grams. But when your out there and too ashamed to come home and look into disappointed eyes AGAIN. It makes it hard to do so. I know I will always have a home and I can always come here however and know I will still be welcome no matter what. So theres no excuse for me to be missing for days without even a phone call worrying her like that.
I have alot of work to do. Maybe in a little bit of time. I cant afford to keep slipping when time is so precious.

marle

Chiy, I think the shame is what keeps my daughter away. But I know with all my heart that nothing will ever make me stop loving my daughter and nothing is worth her dying for. I am sure your Grams feels the same way about you. I am pulling for you. Hugs, Marle

Jersey Nonny

Life is so precious, Chiy...and, getting shorter every day...so, make the very best of it while you still have the chance!!!