Gemangel

I have a mom who is an addict and she has done alot of things in the past that has hurt me or you can say damaged me...
even though she is and always will be someone that I love and care about - , and I have slowly learned to detach myself from being co-dependant towards her.
deep down I know that she never meant to do what she did, that she never meant to hurt me, because i have seen her sober and how she can be the greatest and strongest person I know..

now as I am getting older... I am constantly attracted to addicts.. I had gotten out of a really bad relationship this year with an addict and now i find it harder to trust anyone cuz this guy I was involved with was a manipulator.

I am actually struggling alot because I know now that every person I am attracted to has a drug or alcohol problem, it's almost no question about it and it's a total bummer that I have to be extremely cautious with every person that i find interesting... i can't relax and just have a good time, I have to wonder if the reason why I enjoy talking or being around this new person is only because they are an addict... and because of that I have to wonder if I'm gonna get attached and be co-dependent.
now to help me not get into a relationship with another addict should I label drug addicts as "bad people" I'm torn between the thought of my mother who to me is a really great and good person deep down and with work and effort she can be that person at all times....
on the other hand, my ex - who is a liar and by far the worst person I have ever met..

i guess what i am asking is are ALL addicts - lieing, using, and manipulating - are they all around bad people?

going through a bit of a confusing time.

Spiritual Seeker

Yes, all addicts lie and are good at hiding and masking their real self. They're selfish and make life miserable for the ones who love them. There is a sticky post here well worth reading titled "That's what Addicts Do" But you know, because of your mom. You can change the type of guy you're attracted to but it will take work...counseling and Alanon. Start meeting guys in different places (church groups, college classes, the gym etc) Work on yourself for awhile without a guy in your life.

jimhere

Although they share some common traits, you must know that alcoholism and drug addiction are not the same. But one thing they have in common is that are not bad, they are sick-spiritually, mentally, & physically.
Jim

Spiritual Seeker

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

ScottyC514

Thanks Jon........Very Clear and Concise.

Spiritual Seeker

I posted that "What Addicts Do" by Jon today from the Family forum. I know addiction all too well because of my only child, now 23.

minnie

Welcome, Gemangel.

Addicts aren't bad people, however they often do some mean and dangerous things. For me, I am not yet able to deal with having an active addict in my day-to-day life, and I have to say that I am not particularly working my way towards being able to.

Are you having an therapy or counselling and/or for you attend Al-anon or ACOA meetings?

Did you miss off an "imho", Jim?

dollydo

I feel buried deep down inside an addict there is a somewhat normal person. However, due to using (especially if they have been using for a long period of time), it is buried so deep in most cases it can never be uncovered.

Even after one becomes clean, and, stays clean, the addict behavior continues. The brain is forever altered.

Meetings helped me, they may help you.

MsGolightly

they are not "bad" people; they suffer from a sickness that effects their brain and their body. many can't get it together enough to stop, but i don't think this makes them a bad person. in my opinion, it's like saying someone with any other disease is "bad" rather than "sick."

parentrecovers

i think they're good people with a bad disease. blessings, k

denny57

Welcome gemangel

I'm not clear from your post - are you making an assumption you will always and only be attracted to addicts, so you're wondering if there are some good ones? I don't think all addicts are "bad" people, but there are many unacceptable behaviors that come with addiction. Are there some you feel you could live with? Are your mother and father still together? It's different being an addict's child and their spouse.

Al-Anon and personal therapy have really helped me answer these questions. Take care.

fluffyflea

They aren't "bad" people they are "sick" people who live for their addictions. This means they do anything to feed their addictions even if it means hurting, lying to and manipulating the people who love them.

The thing you can do is take care of yourself. Any Alanon meetings in your area?

Earthworm

cookconfay

We, I'm an alcoholic/addict, are not "bad" people. We do some really unbelievable things when we are out there. I would not do the crap I used to do today. However I am almost 10 yrs clean and sober now too. It's not even in the picture that we are hurting anyone but ourselves. We are soooooooooooooooo selfish during active disease. The active alcoholic or addict is not the enemy, their disease however is what makes them do all the crap they do. . .lieing, conning, cheating, etc etc. There is hope, for those who are affected by someone's disease and for those . . .like me. . . who have the disease. I found my hope, & help through the 12 steps of AA and NA. I also would qualify for ACOA and Al-Anon. There's help for you if you want it. Call a helpline/hotline for AA/Al-Anon in your area and ask questions, they can help.

cali

Yup-Earth worm said it-
I hear at meetings that addicts aren't "bad people trying to get good, but sick people trying to get well".

Gemangel

no my parents arent together, although they do still have a friendship.
I think in the long run.. I won't be able to handle the behavior of the addict's lifestyle, I have already suffered being a daughter of an addict and then having been in a relationship with one, so I know the pain and worry that goes along with it.
I found someone that i really like and I know he has a problem because he told me, and he his trying his very best to tell me that he wants to change, and a part of me wants to take his word for it, but I know that all he is saying are JUST WORDS, I know that alot goes into changing a habit such as addiction/alcoholism and I know that i cant get invloved with him, no matter how hard it is. but you're all right I should start working on myself (which is why I'm here) and not worry about anyone else but me.. co-dependency is my downfall and in a way it's my own addiction.

thanks for your words of advice and for posting "what addicts do" - it's all too familiar....

Spiritual Seeker

Not bad people but BAD behavior. We collectively settled the semantics here. IMHO, you shouldn't fall in love with someone's potential because they want to get "clean' A lot of addicts want to but don't

Spiritual Seeker

I kept thinkin' 'bout this post. I do thing addiction can and will turn our loved ones into BAD people. Active addiction OFTEN makes you a bad person. It changes who you would be or become. My AS is a bad son, a bad boyfriend, sometimes a bad employee, a bad grandson, a bad brother, he has harmed innocent people when he stole. He is bad to his health. He is a bad credit risk. ETC ETC Will he become a good person one day? I hope so. Will he put to practive the morals and values that he was raised with? I hope so.

Spiritual Seeker

We do get into trouble when we use the word "All"
However you want to mince it, the word "BAD" is synonymous with addiction.
Anything that destroys lives, relationships, potential, health, finances is BAD
Addiction has robbed me of my son.

Tazman53

No he did not, any one who takes an addictive drug will become an addict.

If a normal person drinks heavily every day for a year, their tolerance will not increase, thier bodies method of processing alcohol will not change. They can just walk away from the booze and never have any real issues about leaving it behind.

Read the books "Beyond the Influence" & "Under the Influence", you will find that is has scientifically proven there are physical and phsycological differences between normal people and alcoholics.

You can not make a normal person into an alcoholic, a problem drinker yes, but not an alcoholic.

GlassPrisoner

Slight correction Taz, any one who takes an addictive drug at certain levels consistently for a period of time will become an addict.

Additionally, alcohol is selectively addictive. However the alcoholic doesn't require a set period of time or quantity to become alcoholic. This is also not to be confused with physical dependency on alcohol, which is when withdraw happens in alcohols absence.

This, as you stated, is straight out of Under the Influence.

To answer the question, most of us are not bad people. We just behave and act badly. IMO.