Need4Change

Hi everyone

Well, I hate to post one of those "I'm hungover and need someone to talk to" messages but that's pretty much the case right now. I drank 10 beers yesterday and then fell asleep at about 7:30PM. I woke up at 12:44AM after having a dream about a rabid squirrel chasing me around the house while I tried to fight it off with a chair. Finally, I hit it in the head and there was blood and brains everywhere but when I walked over to make sure it was dead, it came back to life and had somehow turned into a black cat and was following me all over the house with it's skull caved in and brains leaking out, etc. I asked my room mate for a knife so I could slit it's throat and put it out of it's misery even though I felt really guilty about it. What a horrible and violent thing to dream about!.

Anyway, I was hot, dizzy, stomach burning like crazy and hungover so I walked into the kitchen, turned the AC on, made a pot of coffee and prepared to pull yet another all-nighter because alcohol really kills any chances of getting a good night's sleep for me (as it does with most alcoholics).

Throughout the rest of tonight and most of tomorrow, I'll walk around half-dazed as usual until sometime in the evening when I'll begin to feel just a little bit better. Then, I'll get super-sleepy and go to bed early and when I wake up the following morning I'll feel really good/sober/normal until about noon when the cravings and other withdrawal symptoms kick in and I'll start the whole process all over again. That's my pattern.

I seem to be able to drink every other day but cannot entirely quit so I only have about 6-7 hours the day after I go through the whole drinking/hangover phase where I actually feel wonderfully NORMAL. I wish that feeling could be permanent but I'm extremely Agoraphobic which prevents me from attending "meetings", Campral did nothing for me, Naltrexone worked a few years ago but isn't working this time and Antibuse is more of a "punishment" than it is a treatment.

Am I just doomed?. Does every alcoholic go through this awful pattern?.

Anyway, just thought I'd rant/share. Thanks for listening.

- Need4Change

barb dwyer

need -

vivid dream.

yeah, that's pretty much a pattern all right.

campral says in it literature that it's to be used with an established program of recovery. I didn't notice you mentioning that part.

I was on campral for seven months.
but I'm also committed AA.

what's your plan now?

barb dwyer

every alcoholic is doomed without a good program of recovery.

sorry, but it's true.

Need4Change

Like I said, I can't go to meetings because I am extremely Agoraphobic so as a result, I wasn't able to use the Campral (or any meds) with an "established program".

I don't really have a "plan" right now. To be honest, I'm really feeling lost and don't know what to do short of just committing myself to some treatment center where they lock you up so that you CAN'T drink but if I did that, no one would be able to look after the animals, earn money, pay the bills, etc.

It's a very catch-22 situation I find myself in and I am looking for a way out but so far I haven't been able to find it. I realize that no one can help me but myself but I'm feeling pretty helpless right now. I also realize that I have to "want to quit" and I definately DO but it's not as easy as just snapping your fingers and "wishing" it away.

- Need4Change

2ala2

Meetings saved my life.
I'm a human being at last.
Please go to one. I have intense anxiety from open/public places, but that didn't kill me. the alcohol and drugs almost did.
Good luck.

Change4life

all addicts and alcoholics fall into a pattren of behavior, but patterns can be broken. it takes time and patience. You are not doomed. thinking that way is a pattern you should work on breaking right away.

2ala2

go to rehab.
If you don't quit you wont be around to look after the animals, earn money, pay the bills, etc.

Need4Change

I'm not here to put AA down (I know it's for some people and not for others) but I honestly can't see where sitting in a circle with everyone standing up giving their story one at a time is going to help me quit. I'm in my 40's now but when I was 17-18 years old, I got drunk and fell asleep on the beach and the police took me to a treatment center and later the judge ordered me to attend an AA meeting. That's been a long time ago and all I can remember was a big room with a table at one end with a huge coffee machine and donuts and a bunch of chairs at the other end. We each got up and said "hi, my name is <whatever> and I'm an alcoholic" and those who felt like sharing their story at that point could do so and others chose not to.

- Need4Change

Need4Change

Well, I'm going to have to do something, that's for sure. I just can't go on like this anymore.

barb dwyer

incredibly enough, that's exactly what it does do.

first things first though.

maybe the first thing is to talk to a doctor.
again, if need be.

you know your pattern.
that's an advantage.
get a sober friend to come over.
call aa - they'll sent people over.
they're not door to door religious fanatics.
they're not bill collectors.
they're doing service work to keep THEMSELVES sober.
nobody will push anything off on anyone.
it's not how it's done.
you have 48 hours, from your report of your pattern.

that's time for a plan.

we're here.

Need4Change

Wow, I had no idea that you could call them and they would come over. That is something I might be able to do!. I was just reading portions of the "big book" over at the AA site and I was wondering if it was possible to go "cold turkey" or if that isn't an option for most people.

Thanks again for the info but if someone comes to my house will I derive the same benefit from that as I would from actually attending the meetings?.

- Need4Change

mps101

Good luck to you. I don't think you're doomed. Are you in for a challange? Yes we all are, but from the posts I've read of people who have been sober for a while (i know subjective) a while--being longer than a week, for me--things have really brightened. Just today I could feel a bit of my old self coming back. A person who enjoys grass, sun, breezy summer days. It sounds so silly but it was really moving for me.

Do you have a friend who can come over and maybe read through some anxiety/alcoholism literature with you?
Best Wishes.

mps101

There's some good exerpts from books on here too (I'm sorry I can't direct you, but they're around) I too after experience 2 AA meetings am feeling that that is my way to recovery. But that's a personal thing

Need4Change

I also wanted to add that because of my poor social skills and Agoraphobia I can sometimes come across as an overly-defensive or even arrogant person even though I don't mean to so I'm picturing some rough looking type coming out here and giving me the third degree. I am also concerned about strangers coming here because of all the stories I read. Alcohol is not the only problem here but it's the one that's killing me and so I'm willing to work my way through this one step at a time as I feel comfortable with it and hopefully I won't become paranoid or afraid and back out at the last moment just because something doesn't "feel right" or whatever. I REALLY need help because I HATE this.

- Need4Change

Amelie

I am not sure if the others would agree with this but AA have online meets on AA Online. I dont know whether any1 else would recommend this. i am still early on into this 1 week today. I cant face actually meetings as i am way to shy and anxious. All the best

barb dwyer

needs - probably.

there's Something Greater than Ourselves that works through the program of AA. And it doesn't need us to believe in it to work. All it needs is a desire to stop drinking.

Truly.

barb dwyer

Even here in 'behind the times montana' there's hotlines - people who will talk to you, any time of day or night.

Need4Change

You sound just like me. I would LOVE to be able to go to AA meetings online, join a chat , get a sponsor, etc but I have no idea how I would do this. I did manage to find two "intergroups" in my area (not sure what an intergroup is though). Is it really necessary to have the face-to-face experience where you talk, share, shake hands and all that or can this be done online?. I'm practically homebound so this is a huge (and very legitimate) issue for me.

- Need4Change

Need4Change

Thanks Barb. That would be wonderful to talk to people on hotlines, attend AA online or *maybe* even have someone come out and visit me but how do I begin?. Could you point me to some hotline links, people who can visit and online AA meetings, etc. I have no idea how to even get started but I really believe that I'm ready to try.

- Need4Change

Need4Change

Barb - "probably" what?. I think I lost the context here.