The thought sickens me!!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
The thought sickens me!!
Well..The great new job I have talking about for months is now pushed to August
8th.
So I need to go look for a crap job till then.
No big deal. I know this job is worth the wait.
My friend has assured me I am definately in there. Regardless of the court crap.
Told me not to get too attached to a job because he will need me and is counting on me.
But lately I have been thinking over my life.
And usually when I think about that.
i think alot about the using and the good times.
But really it just makes me sick to even run a thought of it.
I am so disgusted.
I would normally get flippy stomach and a little restless.
But I just get plain disgusted.
Not a drop of urge.
Now I dont want to get ahead of myself. Because the true test is when I have money again.
But I think I will actually make it this time.
I can just feel it.
I dont know.
Any of you with time know what I mean?
You just know..and feel that this is the time?
Hard to explain.
I am not questioning anything.
Just glad it is right now.
8th.
So I need to go look for a crap job till then.
No big deal. I know this job is worth the wait.
My friend has assured me I am definately in there. Regardless of the court crap.
Told me not to get too attached to a job because he will need me and is counting on me.
But lately I have been thinking over my life.
And usually when I think about that.
i think alot about the using and the good times.
But really it just makes me sick to even run a thought of it.
I am so disgusted.
I would normally get flippy stomach and a little restless.
But I just get plain disgusted.
Not a drop of urge.
Now I dont want to get ahead of myself. Because the true test is when I have money again.
But I think I will actually make it this time.
I can just feel it.
I dont know.
Any of you with time know what I mean?
You just know..and feel that this is the time?
Hard to explain.
I am not questioning anything.
Just glad it is right now.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Chiy -
Give yourself the time it'll take for the distance between lives to firm up a bit.
It looks to me like things ARE trying to straighten out.
The tough part ... is keeping our hands out of it meanwhile.
The Universe was unfolding itself for a good minute or two before we ever got here;
and it'll continue even after we've gone.
It's a pain in the ass for me, too.
But Im trying to learn how to let it unfold without my manipulating it.
Give yourself the time it'll take for the distance between lives to firm up a bit.
It looks to me like things ARE trying to straighten out.
The tough part ... is keeping our hands out of it meanwhile.
The Universe was unfolding itself for a good minute or two before we ever got here;
and it'll continue even after we've gone.
It's a pain in the ass for me, too.
But Im trying to learn how to let it unfold without my manipulating it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
chiy you hit on something that has been bugging me. Sometimes i think I dont look for full time work, because I worry about how i will handle having a routime stream of money coming in. I feel like that is definetly going to be a huge test for me.
I could have the bst intentions, but once I get money in my pocket I weaken and it scares me.
As far as having to get a crap job for the meantime, dont weat it. Look at me , talk about a crappy job. Ive been spending 6-12 hours a day cleaning up sheep and goat poop just to make some bucks till a real job comes my way. dont worry the other job is just delayed, I know it is frustrating, but before you know it August will be here.
I could have the bst intentions, but once I get money in my pocket I weaken and it scares me.
As far as having to get a crap job for the meantime, dont weat it. Look at me , talk about a crappy job. Ive been spending 6-12 hours a day cleaning up sheep and goat poop just to make some bucks till a real job comes my way. dont worry the other job is just delayed, I know it is frustrating, but before you know it August will be here.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
My recent experience tells me that even at times of great change and when working my program my disease will resurface and very strongly not just a whisper but full blown. A friend described it as the last desperate attack as we go through some change or other.
Anyway it caught me by surprise in its ferocity. So from now on I will not only look out for signs of complacency but will expect my disease to attack me with some success in the future, then I can be better prepared.
Kevin
Anyway it caught me by surprise in its ferocity. So from now on I will not only look out for signs of complacency but will expect my disease to attack me with some success in the future, then I can be better prepared.
Kevin
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I know the time will arise again when I will be ready to just swing through the jungle.
But somehow..I feel like I may be better prepared for it this time around with an arsenal full of weapons to fight it off.
I have always gave in too easy before.
My last relapse has just done something inside me.
I would be silly to think the urge will never return.
Maybe even a little far fetched to say I may never ever get curious agin and not get high again.
I know me. I know there will come a time when I feel comfortable enough where I am going to think it wont hurt just one time.
Life story.
But I think ..No wait..I know that it is going to be like WWIII to persuade me to give in as easy as I am known to do.
I am such a push over when it comes to my AV.
But I am not going to be that naive anymore.
F you AV!!!
Well back to sleep for me. I was having a weird dream as usual. Woke up and was craving Sun Chips.
Yea anyway..Plan and prepare. Be aware. Be ready for anything.
I got it.
Yes AV is a sneaky little ba$tard.
But somehow..I feel like I may be better prepared for it this time around with an arsenal full of weapons to fight it off.
I have always gave in too easy before.
My last relapse has just done something inside me.
I would be silly to think the urge will never return.
Maybe even a little far fetched to say I may never ever get curious agin and not get high again.
I know me. I know there will come a time when I feel comfortable enough where I am going to think it wont hurt just one time.
Life story.
But I think ..No wait..I know that it is going to be like WWIII to persuade me to give in as easy as I am known to do.
I am such a push over when it comes to my AV.
But I am not going to be that naive anymore.
F you AV!!!
Well back to sleep for me. I was having a weird dream as usual. Woke up and was craving Sun Chips.
Yea anyway..Plan and prepare. Be aware. Be ready for anything.
I got it.
Yes AV is a sneaky little ba$tard.
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