CBach

I am dating the greatest guy - We are so compatable we are talking about getting married next year. He has a drinking problem which he admits. He has tried AA (which he says makes he think about drinking and he want to do it more - He picked up a 40 oz beer on his way home from AA tonight)
He has seriously cut down on his drinking - when we met it was everyday, now its a beer or two once a week. My grand parents were alcoholics and my family has a rather low opinion of them. (My dad keeps saying he will never change and my future looks bleak if I stay with him; My Aunt says his health will fail and I'll end up taking care of him at an early age.)
I really think he can stop and I think he really wants to (he's been trying for a few months - and he has an appointment to start outpatient counceling next week). I really have no idea how hard kicking this habit is. I want to be supportive, but I don't want to get sucking into a black whole of drinking with someone who doesn't want to stop.
When I try to be supportive, I only end up making him feel guilty about his 'relapse' (how long do you have to stop drinking before you can have a relapse??)
I really want to know if its possible for a drinker to stop or am I wasting my time?? I know he will always be recovering, but I can live with recovering - I can't live with drunk!
I know this is long but I don't know where else to turn - I need some support to help me help my guy thru this - my family is NO help what-so-ever. His family has heard this song before. Any thoughts - Ideas??? Thanks for taking the time to read my long wordy ramble . . .

best

If I knew what I would put my wife through because of my drinking before we were married...I would have told her to run as fast as she can.

He can change but from what you have posted... he isn't at the point of wanting to change just yet. I would hold off on all marriage talk untill such a time that you see he gets sober and stays sober...like maybe a year's worth of proof that he can do it.

CBach

thanks for the reply. He keeps telling me that he wants to stop and he has also told me to run away as fast as I can (usually after a 'relapse') - We are SO happy togeather (when hes not drunk). How can I support him to find out if he really wants to stop? I am looking for an Al-anon meeting locally for my self - hope that will give me some insight

best

Meetings
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism
Learn as much as you can at meetings about yourself and how you may or maynot interact with others who drink.
While here...read the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are found at the top of the forum above the blue line.

Meetings and education of self are the best ways to help him.

Barbara52

I'm new to all this but I can tell you that I knew my husband had a drinking problem before I married him 4 yrs ago. I told myself that it wasn't that bad because at that time he had a steady job, his drinking didn't seem excessive, all sortts of stuff. Now I know that it has always been a problem and that he isn't willing to do someething about it. IF I had a do over, I would not have married him unless and until he had been sober for at least a year. THe time to protect yourself is now before you make a deeper committment I think. That doesn't mean you stop loving him or supporting him but it means you take care of yourself at the same time.

I too am going to find a lcoal Alanon meeting to help me through this process.

splendra

(((((CBach)))))

Welcome...I am hoping you will give some validity to what others in your life are saying and don't try to prove them wrong...his family has heard this song before sounds like they have deceiced to stand back from a safe distance. He has said this before....Don't let yourself believe your love can change things for him. This sight would probably close down if love could save an addict/alcoholic.

Learn all you can about addiction and how it affects the family it sounds like his family has gotten wiser...

Maybe stand back from your b/f enough to see the whole picture. Watch his actions see if they match his words and if they don't match know it is his actions you can believe...

prodigal

There's the story that goes around in AA about the alcoholic who is making a plan to plan to stop drinking. It's still in the planning stages.

From my own personal experience, I have watched my husband disintegrate into a shell of a man. He was on a business trip all week, and I pulled out a videotape taken of him on a sailing vacation in the Caribbean June 25 - July 2, 1992. Fifteen years ago.

That human being no longer exists. He doesn't look the same, speak the same, behave the same. We all change, and change is good, but not when alcoholism is making the changes.

I've been through three rehabs with my AH. He's never maintained sobriety for more than a month. The times he's stopped on his own to "control" his drinking, he's been a miserable human being to be around.

And, yes, in the beginning we had wonderful times together, he drank less, and he laughed and had hobbies. No more. Long time comin, long time gone.

Please hold off on your marriage plans until you educate yourself more on this disease. I didn't notice anyone posting the "three C's," which in this case would be applicable to your desire to help your guy with his recovery: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Please keep posting and let us know how it's going. I certainly can't tell you what to do or how to live your life. I can only share my experience as to what happened to me when I married an active alcoholic.

aztchr

When I turned to this forum, the best support I received was in helping myself.
Glad you're here! Hope you keep coming back!

Spiritual Seeker

Read what the wives post here. In my opinion you'd be CRAZy to marry an alcoholic. Eventually this will be the man your kids spend every other weekend with.
You can find alanon mtgs. in your area on the internet. Men tell us the fact we need to know, but often women don't want to hear it...denial. This disease if progressive, cunning and an equal opportunity destroyer. You can not marry someone's potential.
Remember what Tina Turner sang, "What's love got to do with it?"
FOOD for THOUGHT is all I am giving you here.

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome!!!!!
youve said it best,here---i cant live with a drunk--
beginning/end of story.
All the what if,s are a non-issue.And are up in the air.Yes he may find soberiety for the rest of his life,and then again he may not.No one knows.But you know,that whether it be tomorrow,or 10 years down the road,the truth for you is---that you cant live with a drunk...

dollydo

Heed the wisdom of your family and there is a reason his family has nothing to do with him...and it's not because he is a wonderful guy.

There are red flags all throughout your post.

You cannot have a relapse if you are still drinking, as you are not in recovery. If he hadn't drank for a year, was going to AA, really working his recovery and had a beer, that would be a a slip/relapse, and if he hopped right back on the recovery train, I'd say there's a chance, but that is not what you are dealing with.

hopeangel

hi sweetie first, i can tell you that your post has brought me to tears because the girl writing it was me seven very long years ago when i met my ah. i can tell you i am not the same person now as i was then. our relationship was your relationship word for word -drinking everyday, slowing down, trying to control it. love could conquer all. i could help him. he would stop for me. surely, he would choose me over beer right? (well, hold up a beer and ask him to choose-beer wins every time) this made me feel like the lowest thing, my self worth was shot. i was less important than a can of beer? the disappointment, hurt, rage, every time he drank. the constant struggle and battle. i can tell you that the struggle has still not ended for him seven years later.
only difference, i have given up the fight. i can no longer do it. i have surrendered. i can tell you that this battle has aged me. i completely lost myself in the fight. (every thing was about him, nothing was about me) i am 34. children? not a possibility with him.
three days before my wedding he became violent (first time the really ugly side of alcoholism reared its head towards me) i felt trapped. the flowers were already there. all the plans made that my mom worked so hard on. all the people already invited. i didn't see any way out at that point. so this girl (that i just met again through your post) that had dreamed of a beautiful wedding - walked down the isle in a strappless wedding dress with HUGE bruises on her arms. the wedding photos had to be altered to try and hide the bruises (you still can see them in the photos) and i have never been so embarrassed in my life -the whole day spent with people looking at the bruises and asking me about them and trying to explain them away lying. noone saw me, just the bruises. it was a nightmare.
well, i am now looking at starting over. i have stepped back, detached, allowed myself the distance to really be able to look and see clearly. nothing for him was about love really. alcohol is a very selfish disease. how can he love me when he doesn't love himself? how could he care about me was he doesn't even care about himself? the man i married has given up on our lives and dreams. he too is just a shell now. i don't see him the same anymore. he is a miserable hurting person with soo much anger. he is verbably - and has been physically violent. he is demeaning, manipulative and controlling. luckily, i can see past that now.
i had to really look at myself and ask the hard questions-like why did i choose to be with a man like this and accept things that were unacceptable to me? what was it about me that led me here. if i could change a lot of things i would. i sacrificed a lot and lost a lot. some i can get back, some i can't. it has been a real struggle, but i finally have a big part of me back through recovery, this site, counseling, self help of any kind, doing for me.
as for him, i have let him go. i am now hands off. i have set boundaries and are sticking to them. i can no longer let him in "my space" that i have created without him making serious changes. i hope and pray that he can do the right things, but i am moving on.
please seriously consider your decisions. i can tell you that it will be much easier for you to set boundaries now for what YOU want in a relationship. the more you let it go and longer you wait to do this the harder it will be.

fluffyflea

Personally, I wouldn't take the gamble, there are easier roads to walk.

One thing about A's they are the most wonderful charming people in the beginning and once they figure they have you hooked watch out! Then the fun starts.


Earthworm

denny57

welcome, Cbach, glad you're here.

How long have you been dating?

duet_4-8

Welcome to SR. Lots of great advice/insight above. I was married to an addict for 25 years. Not something I would advise anyone to try. I, too, thought he was the most wonderful, caring man. He was so good underneath the dope and drink. I would be the woman that would 'save' him.

At the very least, I advise you to wait it out untill he has been working a recovery program for at least a year.

Better still, I would advise you to take his advice and run away as fast as you can. It's just not worth the pain..

splendra

I read something somewhere that said when a man says something like this they know what they are talking about and that we need to believe him....

thinkmink

Your family is being more helpful than you think, the problem is that you are in just as much denial as your boyfriend so nothing is registering for you( or your boyfriend) No matter what you say will make a difference to your boyfriend. Just as no matter what your family has been saying has made a difference for you. The truth is that even if I never married my AH, I needed Al-anon. I needed to see how my thinking and behavior kept me making bad decisions despite all the red flags. I saw the red flags, but I just went ahead anyway. And that is every bit as self-destructive as an alcoholic who keeps drinking. I could have stayed in my self-destructive behavior probably forever. But now I am a mother and I realize that I have a resposibility to be well for my child. My child is still affected by my poor choice and if I had to do it all over againI would have gotten help for myself a looooooooooong time ago. But I guess I had t hit my bottom before I got help. Just as it will be for you. Just remember, you hit your bottom when you quit digging.

bubblebox

Sorry to sound so negative but run away as fast as you can. I'm sure he is wonderful and you love him but he is ill. He is not capable of being in a healthy loving relationship.

MsGolightly

bingo.

i think it's virtually impossible for an active alcoholic to be in a relationship and truly be in "love." it's pretty darn hard to love someone else when you don't even know who you really are, and especially when you're involved with a disease that is as self-centered as alcoholism. i wish it could be different and i wish the love we gave them mattered, but in the end, only the bottle does.

i can't even tell you how many times my A said she "wanted" to quit. if your boyfriend truly wanted to quit - he would. plain and simple. he would find a way, instead of continually saying he wants to. if you want something bad enough, you get it.

steve11694

Active alcoholics LOVE to have enablers. People that will fund their life so they can drink. People that will help them off the floor onto the bed. People that will wash their urine soaked clothing and bed sheets as often as needed. People that will bail them out of jail. People that will lie to cover up for them at work. The list goes on and on.