CBach

Thank YOU all so much for all you information. I think I knew what I needed to do - I just needed a little push in the right direction for someone who didn't have a vested interest in either side. I really do love him, but you'r all right - he has no intention of stopping. I need to seperate myself from him and start living my life for me. If he comes around and decides to clean up his act - that would be great! But I don't see it happening any time soon. I agree with one reply "if he wanted to stop, he would" - I've been thinking the same thing but I also followed that thought with -I wasn't being supportive- I relize now its not being supportive its being an enabler. This am he acts like nothing happened last night. He doesn't want to talk about it and I feel like I'm beating a dead horse by bringing it up. So, it sits there like the 400 lb pink elephant in the living room that no one talks about. I don't bring it up because I don't want to make him mad. So I don't. Then as I walking out the door to go to work - He tries to make me feel guilty about not telling him I love him and kissing him good by. And so it goes . . .

Pick-a-name

CBach: perhaps printing this thread out so you can re-read it later? That is what I have to do because often I "forget"...really, my denial starts clouding my thinking sometimes after a few days or so and things calm down and I start to second-guess myself and ask "was I just over-reacting",blah,blah,blah.

Glad you are here;hope you stick around!

LGLG07

Sometimes that 400 lb pink elephant in the room has a lot more control over us than we care to admit !
I think by running you will be doing the best thing for yourself . If he finds his way
and stops drinking and stays sober for some time you can always reconsider but to stay involved with him and maybe marry and have children with him ?? its just not fair to you . You could be with another man who will love you completely and make you realize that the deep love you felt for this guy , wasnt so deep .
Good luck

Spiritual Seeker

CBach-sounds like your eyes will be wide-open soon. Addicts lie + sneak When they are trying to control their drink. They live in 2 realities the one that is and the one they show to those around them that hope they are controlling the problem. When you are with then it takes a long long time to learn the real reality. Usually the drinking/use that we see is just the tip of the iceberg. My AS is a handsome, highly intelligent, witty + romantic young man. But is girlfriend suffers greatly. She is an addict herself (but the responsible one) so she accepts his behavior, all be it with constant threats that they must break up;she doesn't follow-through. You sound like a wonderful smart lady and I have a strong sense that you will know what is the right thing to do IN THE BIG PICTURE and not just how you feel about him today.

CBach

OH MY GOD!!! You must have been reading my mind. I've been thinking that all last night - Maybe I'm over reacting about a few drinks. After all he only drinks once a week... only when I'm at work (I work 2pm -1am)...etc, etc, etc. And I feel like crap because I start to convince myself that I am making a big deal over nothing. Its ONLY a few drinks. At what point does a few drinks become an alcoholic??? I mean, I enjoy a few drinks myself and when I start I usually have a really hard time stopping (which is why I usually steer away for starting). Does that make me an alcoholic, too?? Maybe that my worst fear - that if the answer it yes! Maybe I do have a problem - its just controled.

Mr. Christian

Hello,


Truth of the matter is you only know of what he tells you.

Sure I only have a few drinks, what’s the big deal?

He will tell you what you want to hear, that way everything will be ok and you wont know about all he drinks without telling you.

Understand that you can do nothing to control or change him, it’s his deal.

CBach

WELL . . I sent him the link to this post and asked him to read it. He's looking into a in patient facility to help him. Is that a good sign or just more talk???

MsGolightly

only you will know the answer to that question, with time.

keep reading and posting... you'll find it helps you a lot

prodigal

He only has a "few" drinks a week because he's trying to convince himself and YOU that he is a moderate social drinker. Just like you are. You probably don't give it a thought one way or the other when you pick up a drink. He thinks about it all the time. "Can I have just one?" "Can I wait another two hours before I have another beer?" "Gee, I'll just switch to beer instead of the hard stuff. Yeah, okay, that means I'm 'controlling' it, right?" WRONG!

Yes, there is something wrong with you in that you are getting sucked into his system of denial. Cunning, baffling, powerful - that is what alcohol is. It is also what the alcoholic can become in order to get a codie caught up in his system of insanity. When I say something is "wrong" with you, I do not mean you're stupid, defective, a loser, or worthless. But the A's in our lives can twist things around so we feel that way even more so than we did before we got involved.

"Is that a good sign or just more talk?" Right now, it's just more talk. Even if he goes to the facility, it may mean he's doing it to appease you and keep you hooked. Many A's are in and out of facilities lots of times. Mine goes every time his job is in jeopardy. If I were to ask him to pick between me and the booze, the booze would win hands-down. Why? Because his job gives him the money he needs to sustain his addiction. I don't.

Looking into facilities is just that: looking into facilities. Kinda like window shopping. Unless you buy something, you're just looking for the sake of looking. If he gets into a facility, comes out and works a strong program and gets a sponsor, then you can consider his sincerity level.

Bottom line: it isn't a sign one way or the other - good or bad - unless he follows through. REALLY follows through.

Mr. Christian

How about AA meetings for him and Alanon for yourself.

If he can stay sober for at least ONE YEAR, then talk about a future together.

AA has been helping people help themselves a long time not.
It’s a program that WORKS when all else fails.
Actions speak louder then words.

CBach

How about AA meetings for him and Alanon for yourself.

I am looking into Al-anon for me. He has tried AA but he says it makes him want to drink. Thats what brought on this post. He stopped and got a beer (and god knows what else) on his way home from a meetng. I have encouraged him to get more involved in the meetings, suggested discussing his feeling at the meetings to see what others have to say. . .but I've been getting a luke warm response to that. I agree that he needs help from someone who has done this - I love him but cant be supportive in the way that he needs. I tend not to discuss his drinking unless I get to my breaking point, because I don't want to upset him or have him think thats all I think about - BUT it does take up a MAJOR part of my thinking - is he drinking? how much is he drinking? Is he liying to me? Is he hiding liquor? I hate feeling this way - I would love to be able to trust him but I just can't...Will I ever be able to???

dollydo

You can suggest anything you want, and do it over and over again...until he is ready to embrace recovery, it's just a waste of your time.

I have heard the retort to AA over and over again, the bottom line, it is just an excuse to drink or not embrace the program...why? Because they are not ready, because they are just going to meetings to appease someone else, trying to keep peace, and still drink.

Girl, he is not in recovery.

GlassPrisoner

He's gone to AA. Doesn't sound like he's working it. As will pick apart AA until they have no choice but to go. I did.

Yes, probably. I did.

BTW, Prodigal, EXCELLENT post. You understand the alcoholic thinking.

prodigal

CBach ... just a suggestion, but one you may find worth a try. Attend an open AA meeting. Get a copy of the Big Book. Read the Introduction (very important) and the first 164 pages. Leave the personal stories from A's in the second part of the book for later. Just read the fundamentals of the program and read Bill W's story of his decent into madness. As an A, he can tell it like it is, even more than 60 years after after writing that book.

AA DOES NOT CAUSE AN ALCOHOLIC TO PICK UP. Your attitude does not cause an alcoholic to pick up. The alignment of the planets does not cause an alcoholic to pick up. Nobody and nothing has the power to control someone else's choices. We are beings who were endowed with free will. He does what he does because he, and he alone, wants to do it.

I listened to my AH blame the Army on his alcoholism: "EVERYTHING was so deadly serious. It was always pressure. A lot of us went to the officer's club everynight and got loosened up." Yeah, right. His dad was a full colonel who commanded a brigade in Viet Nam. He saw heavy combat. He never drank. See what I mean?

The man you are considering marrying is giving you a very clear message - he wants to drink. Period. At this point in time, do everything you can to take care of yourself. Education on alcoholism, codependency, attending meetings (I think Al-anon and open AA are worthwhile), seeking counseling, and anything else you feel you need, will give you the perspective to make one of the most important decisions in your life. That is all you can ultimately do - take care of YOU. You are worth it, so please do what you feel is necessary. You deserve a good life; one which is filled with hapiness and joy.

Mr. Christian

Trust? Mmmm, nah.
As far as AA making him want to drink, sounds like just another excuse.

Yes he's not ready to change, but you can..........

cagefree

Hmmm...

First - Welcome Cbach and glad you're here Sorry you're going through this.

My XABF said the same thing.

Thing about addiction - anything will be an excuse to drink. I always would know when my X was dying for a drink...he'd lash out at me verbally then blame it on work, the weather, his lack of a smoke, he missed lunch, he had only had sex 3 times this week...putting blame anywhere but on him. It doesn't surprise me that he put blame on something that would threaten what he loves most - his addiction. I agree with Mr C, prodigal and Glass

I agree with Dolly - he's not in recovery, he's doing the bare minimum to keep you tagging along.

Take care of YOU CBach - you might want to read some posts from the A's in recovery on this forum. It helped me to distinguish real recovery from wishful thinking.

CBach

Well, we finally had it out. I guess he realized that he was really heading for rock bottom. He found StepChat online and hasn't been the same. He's hasn't had a drink since last Saturday (the weekend I started this post) - and he is really WORKING the program. He goes to meetings on-line and uses that StepChat a lot. He is looking for a job and planning to go to school in the Fall. We went book shopping and he bought the Big Book and some others on AA and Sobriety. We've discussed me going to Al-Anon. He says there are meetings at the same time AA meetings are held - So we can go together! I am really excited but a little apprehensive. He seems to have made a 180 - I'm hoping this is a long term! But I can’t say I'm 100% convinced this is legit. We will see.

respektingme

When I first met my AH, he had just started working where I worked. He sent me an anonymous bouquet of 24 roses, all different colors. Had a card attached that said, "Wish a wish, dream a dream and let me be the one". He wined (of course) and dined me. He hid all the bs in his life and showed me that I was #1. A few years later, the totem pole had changed. First came his booze. Then him. Then my stepchildren. Then his mother. Then his ex. And then me. When I met him, I was working in a large company. I knew from the grapevine, that I was the company catch. Guys wanted to date me. I was selective. I knew I had my stuff together and could be choosy. Alas, my prince had arrived. Think I would have married someone who didn't put me #1? HA!!! Ha ha hahahaha!!! Not in a milllion years. But we bought a house, and my biological clock was ticking. I wanted children. We had a son. He was a quiet drunk, big deal. Then we had a daughter. And his salary started going through the roof. Woohoo, bet we looked/look like a real successful couple. And his resentment started to grow. He needed reasons to drink. His Baptist upbringing required him to find fault in others to justify his drinking. He needed to condemn me so I couldn't point out his drinking and add to his guilt. So, little by little he worked on my self-esteem. All the way until I'm afraid to interview for a job, afraid of rejection. Afraid to look men in the eye, for fear that they'll give me a look of rejection. It was a steady, but slow trip to hell. Now that I am here, I can vouch.......they most certainly are the most charming in the beginning.

Never again. I don't believe in soul mates. That's crap. If there really were soul mates, what would be the odds that you'd ever meet him logistically, in this huge world we all live in? We lose our lives, our souls, and time to alcoholics. Take a look at the odds. They aren't good that your boyfriend will stop. Would you want to bet your future on it? There are lots of men in this world. As a wife, you'll have lots of things to argue about without adding an addiction, like money, sex, moving, etc.

Addiction makes several of the other issues seem trivial. Why invite it into your life?

respektingme

Amen, people who will call their boss on Monday and explain that AH is too sick to come to work. Or people who will bring them a pillow and blankie when they are passed out on the bathroom floor. Or people who will keep their secret. Or people who will take lots and lots and lots of drunk speak. Meaning, horrible things they say and will regret later, but the words really don't ever go away. And then when they drink again, they'll claim that they really meant those words, but then they'll get sober and regret them again. You never know, which is it? The uncertainty, but still cleaning up after them. Worse than raising a 2-yr-old.

hopeangel

hi cbach it is so nice to hear from you again! i am wishing you the very best.

i would definitely not take this relationship any farther until he has at least a year sober, and i have to warn you, even then there are no guarantees, there are never any guarantees. people can be sober for years and relapse.

i want to echo what was said above because my ah's really dark side did not really show itself until three days before the wedding and i was (or felt) i was trapped and obligated at that point.

take this year hon and really really work on YOU and care for YOU. please never loose focus on you (it is extremely easy to do caring for an alcoholic) and please DO NOT settle for anything that is unacceptable to you, or compromise your own hopes, dreams, values.