Help - back where I started?
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
Help - back where I started?
Hi everyone,
I am feeling like I am on a bit of a merry-go-round, or maybe just plain confused.
My H as you may know, has a drinking problem. He is also a compulsive gambler, which has devastated us financially. We have been separated physically (living in different places for a year), but have been back 'together' for 3 weeks, and 5 months at two different points. Have been broken up for 2 and a half months this last time with basically no contact (the no contact had not happened before).
He has always maintained he has a problem with alcohol but is not an alcoholic, and it is an offshoot of the desperation his gambling has driven him too.
Anyhow, I had been doing well.
Last weekend he reached his rock bottom (won't go into it, but I think it really was for various reasons).
He is now going to go to gambling counselling several times a week, and will go every day if he needs to. He has refinanced all his credit cards into one loan, and this time cancelled the cards (instead of re-maxing them out).
He has written letters to his best friends telling them of his gambling problem and how it ruined our relationship and it was his own lies and deceit that made him think he should leave me (he did so 3 times) and it would be better - it wasn't better as he discovered, only worse.
He has told his employer that he has a gambling problem. They offered to help financially - he said no, he has to do it himself.
He has told his children he has a drinking and gambling problem.
He would love to get back together and says he misses me dreadfully.
OK - now the problem. I have been married more than once and do not want to be divorced again, but had resigned myself to it. I feel like now that he has made so many changes (all within a week), that I at least owe him something, and we have been communicating as friends. Of course he would love to have sex - lol - but that is off the table.
But, we have been back and forth so many times over the last year and each time he says all the right things at first, and then after a little while decides he wants to be able to party and sleep around a bit so leaves again.
He says this time he has really faced himself and what he has done (heard this before - but no actions taken before) and he knows it will be a long struggle before he can be the sort of husband, partner anyone deserves but he is going to work at it and never stop.
BUT - he doesn't want to tackle the alcohol issue yet as he feels he will fall apart if he has to tackle both gambling and drinking at once, and he firmly believes he will not feel so much urge to drink when he is feeling out of the chaos of gambling. And, he will be happy with just a couple of drinks a few days a week.
I had been planning my life without him and looking forward (as much as I could) to new experiences and trying to find a partner (when my HP deemed the time was right) that I could share my life with in a healthy way. Now I feel guilty - he is taking the steps I wished he could have taken 5 years ago, and if I knew for sure he would end up healthy I would stay. But who knows, and who knows about the alcohol issue when the gambling is under control (if it gets under control).
Sorry about the massive post, just had seemed to have my head on straight, and now it is all over the place again. Have an appointment with my therapist today. Don't know where to put myself - life was going well, I was lonely but learning to like myself and create really firm boundaries. Help!!!!!!!! Going stupid here......
I am feeling like I am on a bit of a merry-go-round, or maybe just plain confused.
My H as you may know, has a drinking problem. He is also a compulsive gambler, which has devastated us financially. We have been separated physically (living in different places for a year), but have been back 'together' for 3 weeks, and 5 months at two different points. Have been broken up for 2 and a half months this last time with basically no contact (the no contact had not happened before).
He has always maintained he has a problem with alcohol but is not an alcoholic, and it is an offshoot of the desperation his gambling has driven him too.
Anyhow, I had been doing well.
Last weekend he reached his rock bottom (won't go into it, but I think it really was for various reasons).
He is now going to go to gambling counselling several times a week, and will go every day if he needs to. He has refinanced all his credit cards into one loan, and this time cancelled the cards (instead of re-maxing them out).
He has written letters to his best friends telling them of his gambling problem and how it ruined our relationship and it was his own lies and deceit that made him think he should leave me (he did so 3 times) and it would be better - it wasn't better as he discovered, only worse.
He has told his employer that he has a gambling problem. They offered to help financially - he said no, he has to do it himself.
He has told his children he has a drinking and gambling problem.
He would love to get back together and says he misses me dreadfully.
OK - now the problem. I have been married more than once and do not want to be divorced again, but had resigned myself to it. I feel like now that he has made so many changes (all within a week), that I at least owe him something, and we have been communicating as friends. Of course he would love to have sex - lol - but that is off the table.
But, we have been back and forth so many times over the last year and each time he says all the right things at first, and then after a little while decides he wants to be able to party and sleep around a bit so leaves again.
He says this time he has really faced himself and what he has done (heard this before - but no actions taken before) and he knows it will be a long struggle before he can be the sort of husband, partner anyone deserves but he is going to work at it and never stop.
BUT - he doesn't want to tackle the alcohol issue yet as he feels he will fall apart if he has to tackle both gambling and drinking at once, and he firmly believes he will not feel so much urge to drink when he is feeling out of the chaos of gambling. And, he will be happy with just a couple of drinks a few days a week.
I had been planning my life without him and looking forward (as much as I could) to new experiences and trying to find a partner (when my HP deemed the time was right) that I could share my life with in a healthy way. Now I feel guilty - he is taking the steps I wished he could have taken 5 years ago, and if I knew for sure he would end up healthy I would stay. But who knows, and who knows about the alcohol issue when the gambling is under control (if it gets under control).
Sorry about the massive post, just had seemed to have my head on straight, and now it is all over the place again. Have an appointment with my therapist today. Don't know where to put myself - life was going well, I was lonely but learning to like myself and create really firm boundaries. Help!!!!!!!! Going stupid here......
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, don't think we have met before.
There are no guarantees with an addict. Relapses are common.
I guess the question is:
Do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to drop?
or
Do you want to continue to live a good life without the stress and trauma?
Only you know the answer to these questions.
There are no guarantees with an addict. Relapses are common.
I guess the question is:
Do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to drop?
or
Do you want to continue to live a good life without the stress and trauma?
Only you know the answer to these questions.
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
Thanks everyone.
That's what scares, no TERRIFIES me..... waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Every day we were back together the last two times I felt that way.... waiting for the 'You're getting in the way of my drinking', or the 'I want to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want', (read 'sleep around') speech.
He never stopped drinking or gambling the last two times (tried to cut back) even though he was seeing a therapist himself for 15 weeks, he pulled the plug on that when he got sick of it (I was paying for it as he couldn't afford it - enabling I know, because he still spent money on drink and gambling, so if he really meant business he'd have paid for his own therapy).
He slept around on his first wife alot, and also partied alot, and of course gambled. He has been doing the drinking and gambling for 25 years or so, since he was 16.
He hasn't, apart from two slips (kissing other people), cheated on me as far as I know (over 9 years together) and I do truly believe that. His first wife was a sort of a shot-gun marriage situation and he says he never loved her but felt he had to marry her to do his duty. Then of course they did have 3 children together.
Now he's really on about the 'why can't we be friends and sleep together every now and then if you won't get back with me'....... I just wonder if his level of maturity will ever change. Sex also plays a really big part in his life, another thing he uses to fill the 'void' he feels inside.
That will take a lot of work too, his childhood and early teens were not good for various reasons, and I am very sad for him about that.
My family and friends would just about disown me if I gave him yet another chance, but it's not their life. I do appreciate deeply all the support they have given me, but it doesn't entitle them to choose how to run my life for me.
I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It's been a year now since he first left amongst alot of nastiness and horrible shots at me (which he has since said he never meant any of and can't even remember saying). The second time he left he was also quite yuck, the third time just basically said he didn't want me getting in the way of his partying, but not aggressive or sarcastic.
He just plays the sad, sorry, "Oh but I truly love you and you're the only thing that's ever meant anything to me and THIS time I really mean it AND I'm DOING something about it" card so well I don't know when to believe him and when not to.
Sigh - I'll just keep plodding along with as little communication as possible, and working on my own program. Life sucks sometimes, but I am always looking for the little gems within it too.
Thank goodness for my wonderful counsellor and all of you. I don't post in replies to people's threads much because I really don't feel confident in giving advice or ideas when I'm still a bit of a screw up myself!! But I read here everyday, and appreciate all of you more than you know.
That's what scares, no TERRIFIES me..... waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Every day we were back together the last two times I felt that way.... waiting for the 'You're getting in the way of my drinking', or the 'I want to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want', (read 'sleep around') speech.
He never stopped drinking or gambling the last two times (tried to cut back) even though he was seeing a therapist himself for 15 weeks, he pulled the plug on that when he got sick of it (I was paying for it as he couldn't afford it - enabling I know, because he still spent money on drink and gambling, so if he really meant business he'd have paid for his own therapy).
He slept around on his first wife alot, and also partied alot, and of course gambled. He has been doing the drinking and gambling for 25 years or so, since he was 16.
He hasn't, apart from two slips (kissing other people), cheated on me as far as I know (over 9 years together) and I do truly believe that. His first wife was a sort of a shot-gun marriage situation and he says he never loved her but felt he had to marry her to do his duty. Then of course they did have 3 children together.
Now he's really on about the 'why can't we be friends and sleep together every now and then if you won't get back with me'....... I just wonder if his level of maturity will ever change. Sex also plays a really big part in his life, another thing he uses to fill the 'void' he feels inside.
That will take a lot of work too, his childhood and early teens were not good for various reasons, and I am very sad for him about that.
My family and friends would just about disown me if I gave him yet another chance, but it's not their life. I do appreciate deeply all the support they have given me, but it doesn't entitle them to choose how to run my life for me.
I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It's been a year now since he first left amongst alot of nastiness and horrible shots at me (which he has since said he never meant any of and can't even remember saying). The second time he left he was also quite yuck, the third time just basically said he didn't want me getting in the way of his partying, but not aggressive or sarcastic.
He just plays the sad, sorry, "Oh but I truly love you and you're the only thing that's ever meant anything to me and THIS time I really mean it AND I'm DOING something about it" card so well I don't know when to believe him and when not to.
Sigh - I'll just keep plodding along with as little communication as possible, and working on my own program. Life sucks sometimes, but I am always looking for the little gems within it too.
Thank goodness for my wonderful counsellor and all of you. I don't post in replies to people's threads much because I really don't feel confident in giving advice or ideas when I'm still a bit of a screw up myself!! But I read here everyday, and appreciate all of you more than you know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Kissing someone who isn't your spouse isn't a "slip." It's betrayal at the least and adultery at the worst.
Just my opinion. Maybe I look at it this way because I'm that first wife he "never loved."
Right.
Just my opinion. Maybe I look at it this way because I'm that first wife he "never loved."
Right.
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
Thanks Denny, I hear you.
His first wife put up with a heck of a lot too, and is an excellent mother to their three children. He also, to give him credit there, has always paid every cent of child maintenance, picks them up and takes them places during the week (dancing lessons etc), rings them to tell them he loves them, and looks after them well when he has them every second weekend (except for this last weekend - part of the hitting bottom story).
They have both created an excellent post divorce relationship and never used the kids to get to one another - must have been exceedingly hard for her, and I have always admired her alot for that.
His first wife put up with a heck of a lot too, and is an excellent mother to their three children. He also, to give him credit there, has always paid every cent of child maintenance, picks them up and takes them places during the week (dancing lessons etc), rings them to tell them he loves them, and looks after them well when he has them every second weekend (except for this last weekend - part of the hitting bottom story).
They have both created an excellent post divorce relationship and never used the kids to get to one another - must have been exceedingly hard for her, and I have always admired her alot for that.
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
My gut tells me even if he gets a handle on the gambling he will have to find the drama and intensity he gets from that somewhere else.... be it even more drinking, women etc.
My counsellor tonight (who has also had sessions with him earlier on) agreed and also thinks that whilst he is still drinking, the gambling - no matter how hard he tries and what program he works will probably be almost impossible for him to cut out completely as it generally precipitates his gambling sprees.
She believes he has no impulse control whatsoever and cannot deal with any of his own emotions and will, in her opinion, (she made it clear it was only her opinion and not therefore necessarily what will happen) he will never be able to deal with 'normal' life and a nurturing and genuinely committed relationship as to him it inevitably becomes boring dealing with the day to day issues of living we all have to face.
Oh, and her thoughts are that he loves 'the chase' and right now he doesn't have me, so he's back in chase mode. Once he gets me and life settles down, after a while he's always looking for something else to add to the mix to get high.
Thanks Minnie, sometimes I ignore my gut, and it's always been to my detriment. It's never failed to be right so far, I've just failed to act on it every single time. I'm getting better at it I think!!!!
My counsellor tonight (who has also had sessions with him earlier on) agreed and also thinks that whilst he is still drinking, the gambling - no matter how hard he tries and what program he works will probably be almost impossible for him to cut out completely as it generally precipitates his gambling sprees.
She believes he has no impulse control whatsoever and cannot deal with any of his own emotions and will, in her opinion, (she made it clear it was only her opinion and not therefore necessarily what will happen) he will never be able to deal with 'normal' life and a nurturing and genuinely committed relationship as to him it inevitably becomes boring dealing with the day to day issues of living we all have to face.
Oh, and her thoughts are that he loves 'the chase' and right now he doesn't have me, so he's back in chase mode. Once he gets me and life settles down, after a while he's always looking for something else to add to the mix to get high.
Thanks Minnie, sometimes I ignore my gut, and it's always been to my detriment. It's never failed to be right so far, I've just failed to act on it every single time. I'm getting better at it I think!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Mauldin, SC
Posts: 35
Goldenleaves - I so know what you mean by waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a miserable way to live. If my AD was under the same roof with me, I think I would crack up in no time. I just wanted to say that you have to keep reminding yourself how lucky you are that you aren't living together right now. It is so much easier for you to concentrate on you. And as the others said, time will tell the tale.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
So, let me get this straight. He has a history of leaving you to sleep around, he is not willing to stop drinking, and all of the positive changes have been made in one week. Um, why don't you just sit tight for a year and watch what happens. You already have different residences, which makes things so much easier. You don't owe him anything, but if you want to continue on with this relationship, why don't you just take a deep breath and watch what unfolds? There is absolutely no need to rush into anything, particularly when there are so many issues present (i.e. gambling, drinking, "socializing" with other women, financial troubles).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
