ladyamalthea

So, I thought I was doing better today. Really. Then, it happened.

I didn't go see sister tonight during visitation b/c I thought her boyfriend was going to be there. Not because I dislike him or anything like that (this is not the guy I was wanting to break in half earlier), but because I thought she had kept us visiting on separate nights so she could better enjoy her visits with each of us. Or at least that's what my mom had told me.

Well, he ended up not going, and I had no way of knowing whether or not I was on her visiting list b/c she can't receive phone calls. Since it's an hour and a half drive each way, I didn't want to go out there and find out I wasn't on the list. So, I didn't go. Come to find out, I was on her list. Mom and Dad found out when they went in.

This may sound silly, but I feel like I have let her down. I'm her sister. I know she needs me. And I wanted to go, but didn't, and I'm sitting here fighting back tears b/c I didn't go when I could have.

And btw, I still haven't written that card to her yet b/c I am having a hard time finding the right words...

I just wish there was something more I could do. My whole life, people have told me that if I don't like something, I just needed to find a way to change it. So that's what I've learned to do. And I can't change any of this and it is driving me crazy. Being there for her is all I can do, and I know that, and I'm trying. I feel like I really let myself and her down tonight. In fact, I was so upset that I binged again. I don't know what I need more; OA or Naranon. *sigh*

Hangin' In

Lady,

Do NOT beat yourself up over this. What happened happened. I'm pretty sure one night of not visiting is NOT going to make or break your sister's recovery, nor will she think you have forgotten her. (In fact, your visits are just that. You sis has to handle the recovery part.) Anyway, give a simple explanation if you feel the need and I'm sure it will all be okay.

I found that had to stop myself from obsessing like this over things I couldn't change. That IS Step One of the 12 steps...."powerless". And this situation, well, you are powerless over it NOW that it's done. LET IT GO and move your thoughts on to more positive things. Put your focus on the next visit, enjoy looking forward to it and how much your sister will be glad you are there.

You can choose how you think about this... you either let your obsessive thoughts make you miserable or you say, "what's done it done and I will now move on."

I hope you'll choose the latter.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

ladyamalthea

Thanks Hangin' In. Part of the problem is that I'm not yet part of the 12 step program. I'm in the process of trying to find a place to go. Feel free to give me pointers like that about being in the steps whenever you see fit, as I know I need them, I just don't know what they are yet

greeteachday

Ahhh, sweetie. You didn't let her down. First, how are you supposed to know? Second, your folks were there, your sis knows you care and support her and third...well shucks...you are just being too hard on yourself...Step back, breathe and remind yourself that you are a great person, a loving sister and you have been through a lot and deserve to be treated gently.

This is all a tough process and I think we tend to make it tougher by being tough on ourselves.

I hope you will try Naranon...just learning about myself, working a program and talking with people who really understand helps me a lot. And by the way, I'm not saying this is always the case, but my husband found that learning about addiction and learning about himself through Naranon and a 12 step program helped him to understand his overeating and to find the strength to accept the weight loss program suggested by his doctor. He's doing great...lost 60 pounds in 5 months and off all blood pressure and cholesterol meds.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family

Hangin' In

Lady,

I think the best way to learn about the 12 step program is by attending meetings. At least that is where I learned about them and have incorporated them into my life.
Plus I've learned a ton of other great stuff at meetings that has helped me deal with my daughter's addiction plus helped me learn to get on with my life. I was so caught up in her problems, her addiction that I was losing myself.

Please try to find a face to face meeting. And as we suggest, you have to commit to at least six meetings before you give up on them. If you're still miserable after six meetings, we're always glad to refund your misery.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

cece1960

((((Lady))))
Seems you've put yourself right in the middle of a no win situation.
Take a deep breath...you let no one down
Now concentrate on you for a moment...keep in mind that this is all said out of caring...

You have posted that both your sis and parents have made your life hell...parents by not stepping away and letting her fall.
But yet, you beat yourself up for not reading her mind and taking three hours drive plus visit time out of your day.

Can you imagine how hard it is for your parents not to "be there for her"? See with us Mom's being there often means all the things that allow them to stay in their drug addicted world. Boy its hard to step back. We have to relearn everything we thought we knew.

This is your sisters bridge to cross. Do not feel guilt for not helping her cross...they gain strength by learning to rely on themselves. It also saves you from the resentments that sometimes build for "having" to do it.

It may sound cruel, but my son spent 28 days in rehab and I didn't visit one day. I dropped him off things he needed, always with a card or a note, but I was exhausted with the whole thing. I let him handle his own recovery (for once

He knew I loved and supported him regardless of whether I was there or not.

Take a break for you

(((Hugs)))
Cece