what a mess! or not, I can't even tell.
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
what a mess! or not, I can't even tell.
Well, my son was supposed to go back to rehab yesterday but he refused. I tried to make him leave my house, but he refused. He started talking to me about how he is going to try and turn it around. He called his counselor and set up an appointment, called his probation officer and talked her about the charges for driving without a license, called and got the prescription filled for his medication. He has also been keeping his curfew. So I decided to let him stay in the house even though he refused to go to rehab. He isn't court ordered and now that he is older, he knows more about the legalities of his situation.
Maybe I screwed up. I don't want to be a mother who is still dealing with this when he's 52. But for now he is only 17, does not want to go back to rehab, seems to be aware that he's on shaky ground, and willing to try again to get his act together. Some of you probably think I'm a weinie, some probably sympathize. I don't know if what I did was right. But for now, it feels okay. I told him I would give him a week, with drug tests, alcohol tests, curfew restrictions, etc. and if he broke it once he was going to rehab. Of course he probably doesn't believe me because I just relented and let him stay at home. I was so strong last week when I kicked him out. But this week I caved.
Only time will tell. I was listenign to the HBO podcasts on addiction and one line hit me. Addiction is not a disease that gets treated and goes away. It is a constant struggle, going forward and back, never linear. This is what makes it so hard to handle.
Being the codie that I am, I feel like I should apologize to you all for letting you down. How's that for misplaced guilt.
krhea
Maybe I screwed up. I don't want to be a mother who is still dealing with this when he's 52. But for now he is only 17, does not want to go back to rehab, seems to be aware that he's on shaky ground, and willing to try again to get his act together. Some of you probably think I'm a weinie, some probably sympathize. I don't know if what I did was right. But for now, it feels okay. I told him I would give him a week, with drug tests, alcohol tests, curfew restrictions, etc. and if he broke it once he was going to rehab. Of course he probably doesn't believe me because I just relented and let him stay at home. I was so strong last week when I kicked him out. But this week I caved.
Only time will tell. I was listenign to the HBO podcasts on addiction and one line hit me. Addiction is not a disease that gets treated and goes away. It is a constant struggle, going forward and back, never linear. This is what makes it so hard to handle.
Being the codie that I am, I feel like I should apologize to you all for letting you down. How's that for misplaced guilt.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
no need for guilt.............I dont think there are rules on how to do this thing...loving an addict!
In my opinion ( but I have alot to learn yet
) hes taking steps to help himself....maybe not the rehab step but steps all the same.....and my understanding is if they are helping themself we can assist if asked and if it does not enable the drug use.
my only concern is his age........and at 17 this could be the last chance you have to "make" him go to rehab............but again as long as hes trying.......your not enabling
Hugs!!!
In my opinion ( but I have alot to learn yet
) hes taking steps to help himself....maybe not the rehab step but steps all the same.....and my understanding is if they are helping themself we can assist if asked and if it does not enable the drug use.my only concern is his age........and at 17 this could be the last chance you have to "make" him go to rehab............but again as long as hes trying.......your not enabling
Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
krhea,
You haven't let us down at all! You are doing the best you can...
Having said that, allow me to give you a little of my background:
I am 24 years old. I have a 19 year-old sister who is a heroin addict. When she was 16-17, my parents were in denial. They act like they are trying to help her, but in reality, they are still in denial. She would pretend to do better for a day or two, just long enough to let them relax, and then she would mess up again, and they would be angry for a few hours, and life would go on. By the time she was 18, they were fully enabling her, whether they wanted to admit it or not. They were paying her utility bills, rent, feeding her, giving her gas money, paying for her speeding tickets, paying her tuition at school knowing full well she would probably withdraw and get a huge refund check in her name, buying her textbooks even though she had a habit of returning them to get the cash, and giving her checks to pay for therapy even though they knew she would alter the info to her benefit. She stole from them numerous times, even stealing my father's prized tools out of the garage to pawn them, not to mention her computer and jewelry that have been pawned numerous times and bought back by my parents, who would have to beg her for the pawn tickets (how much sense does that make: having to beg someone for permission to buy back your personal belongings?!?).
Currently, sis is in rehab, and they are already talking about letting her come home when she gets out. I know for a fact she is not ready to come home, but no one will listen to me. Even though I've been right about everything else in this situation, no one will listen to me, because listening to my advice would mean doing things that they don't want to do. It would mean using tough love.
I honestly don't think my sister will ever get better, because my parents will be there to rescue her, which really scares me, because if she lives long enough to outlive them, then she will probably come to me to take their place, and I will have to refuse for the sake of the children I will hopefully have by then, let alone my own sanity.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not accusing you of putting your family through the same hell my parents and sister put me through. But what I hope and pray that you will consider is how dangerously easy it would be to fall into their spot a year from now. My heart goes out to you and your son, and I hope he gets the help he needs now before it's too late. I'm glad he's making the steps you've mentioned; I hope it works out for him.
Is he going to meetings? My sister says that the AA or NA meetings seem to be the most helpful part of the treatment center for her.
Frankly, he can't technically "refuse" to leave your house. If you want him gone, that's that. I just hope that you don't fall into the same trap that my parents have fallen into. Threats fall on deaf ears in their house because sis knows mom and dad will never enforce anything they put on her. If she never has any consequences, she has no reason to change.
I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound overbearing. I mean it in the best way possible, and I really do wish the best for you and your son. Good luck with everything, and don't be afraid to put your foot down!
You haven't let us down at all! You are doing the best you can...
Having said that, allow me to give you a little of my background:
I am 24 years old. I have a 19 year-old sister who is a heroin addict. When she was 16-17, my parents were in denial. They act like they are trying to help her, but in reality, they are still in denial. She would pretend to do better for a day or two, just long enough to let them relax, and then she would mess up again, and they would be angry for a few hours, and life would go on. By the time she was 18, they were fully enabling her, whether they wanted to admit it or not. They were paying her utility bills, rent, feeding her, giving her gas money, paying for her speeding tickets, paying her tuition at school knowing full well she would probably withdraw and get a huge refund check in her name, buying her textbooks even though she had a habit of returning them to get the cash, and giving her checks to pay for therapy even though they knew she would alter the info to her benefit. She stole from them numerous times, even stealing my father's prized tools out of the garage to pawn them, not to mention her computer and jewelry that have been pawned numerous times and bought back by my parents, who would have to beg her for the pawn tickets (how much sense does that make: having to beg someone for permission to buy back your personal belongings?!?).
Currently, sis is in rehab, and they are already talking about letting her come home when she gets out. I know for a fact she is not ready to come home, but no one will listen to me. Even though I've been right about everything else in this situation, no one will listen to me, because listening to my advice would mean doing things that they don't want to do. It would mean using tough love.
I honestly don't think my sister will ever get better, because my parents will be there to rescue her, which really scares me, because if she lives long enough to outlive them, then she will probably come to me to take their place, and I will have to refuse for the sake of the children I will hopefully have by then, let alone my own sanity.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not accusing you of putting your family through the same hell my parents and sister put me through. But what I hope and pray that you will consider is how dangerously easy it would be to fall into their spot a year from now. My heart goes out to you and your son, and I hope he gets the help he needs now before it's too late. I'm glad he's making the steps you've mentioned; I hope it works out for him.
Is he going to meetings? My sister says that the AA or NA meetings seem to be the most helpful part of the treatment center for her.
Frankly, he can't technically "refuse" to leave your house. If you want him gone, that's that. I just hope that you don't fall into the same trap that my parents have fallen into. Threats fall on deaf ears in their house because sis knows mom and dad will never enforce anything they put on her. If she never has any consequences, she has no reason to change.
I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound overbearing. I mean it in the best way possible, and I really do wish the best for you and your son. Good luck with everything, and don't be afraid to put your foot down!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just be careful with the urine tests. Your son probably already knows how to fake them. My daughter got to the point of borrowing clean urine and freezing it in balloons. When I asked for urine, she would take a balloon and hold it in her mouth until it thawed and then give me this tiny sample because she told me that she had already urinated and it would take her a long time in the bathroom too. There is also fake urine that you can buy over the internet and it will pass the store bought drug test kits. Addicts will also drink a lot of water and I have heard of other things that they will take to try to fake a test. In other words drug testing does not work very well and it will end up driving you crazy. You are doing for your son what he needs to learn to do for himself--try to stay clean. I will keep you both in my prayers. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
(((krhea)) You are not letting us down, but how do you feel about yourself? So, you gave him a week. That is a good boundary, but what happens after that 7th day? What if he screws up on the 8th day?
Strong boundaries are good, not just for us but for the addict as well. Ladyamalthea had some really good advice. It is good to listen to other who have been there before you.
Strong boundaries are good, not just for us but for the addict as well. Ladyamalthea had some really good advice. It is good to listen to other who have been there before you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Ditto BigSis...
I had my son living here until he FINALLY agreed to rehab, and then he returned to here after.
Yeah, it broke a lot of the "rules of recovery" for me, and I witnessed more of his struggle than I had to, but it was what I could do at the moment.
At that moment in time not letting him stay would have been more painful.
He did eventually wake up and step up to the challenge, so all was not lost. I do believe had he not I would have reached that breaking point, but at his young age I "had" to give him a chance to change.
Keep it about you and reserve the right to change your decision should you look back and feel it was the wrong one.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I had my son living here until he FINALLY agreed to rehab, and then he returned to here after.
Yeah, it broke a lot of the "rules of recovery" for me, and I witnessed more of his struggle than I had to, but it was what I could do at the moment.
At that moment in time not letting him stay would have been more painful.
He did eventually wake up and step up to the challenge, so all was not lost. I do believe had he not I would have reached that breaking point, but at his young age I "had" to give him a chance to change.
Keep it about you and reserve the right to change your decision should you look back and feel it was the wrong one.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Krhea,
Ok, so what's done is done. He's back at the house. It is what it is. If it were me, I'd start coming up with what my next game plan would be in case you do find he is not holding up his end of the bargain.
A doctor at my daughter's first rehab place said it so clearly to me when I was about to set a boundary about my daughter not being able to live at our house. He said, "Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger." I will never forget those words and they have proved to be so valuable.
I know now that when I set a boundary for my AD I had better have it set in my mind that I will follow through. Otherwise, I'm just setting myself up for more misery and teaching my AD that I don't mean what I say.
Boundaries are about you ... doing what is good for you. But I've found that when I set a boundary, I'm teaching my AD (and anyone else who is affected by the boundary) a valuable lesson.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Ok, so what's done is done. He's back at the house. It is what it is. If it were me, I'd start coming up with what my next game plan would be in case you do find he is not holding up his end of the bargain.
A doctor at my daughter's first rehab place said it so clearly to me when I was about to set a boundary about my daughter not being able to live at our house. He said, "Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger." I will never forget those words and they have proved to be so valuable.
I know now that when I set a boundary for my AD I had better have it set in my mind that I will follow through. Otherwise, I'm just setting myself up for more misery and teaching my AD that I don't mean what I say.
Boundaries are about you ... doing what is good for you. But I've found that when I set a boundary, I'm teaching my AD (and anyone else who is affected by the boundary) a valuable lesson.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey krhea - well, first of all - i do not think you are a weinie - but i must admit, the word usage did make me chuckle..
sounds like you have good boundaries set this time around. i hope your son can do well with his plan.
take care of you, meanwhile. extra alanon meetings might be a good idea..
blessings, k
- but i must admit, the word usage did make me chuckle..sounds like you have good boundaries set this time around. i hope your son can do well with his plan.
take care of you, meanwhile. extra alanon meetings might be a good idea..
blessings, k
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Thank you all for the kind words and strong words. All I know is that I did what I could at the moment. Thanks for the story of your sister, lady almathea, it strikes right at home for me. I will keep it in mind. I don't think Enabling comes in all forms and I am learning about my techniques. So far he is trying, but who knows how long itwill last.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
as big sis says and i usually fall back on, is "my emotional learning hasn't caught up with my intellectual learning. dont beat yourself up, we do what we can stand at the moment. everybody knows what to do, its knowing when thats the trick, our lives would be perfect if we only knew when.
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