Life Goes On
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Life Goes On
The night I learned about my exabf's cocaine addiction I was devistated. I felt like my world just fell apart and the life I had known for 5 years was one enormous lie.
I spent every day trying to fix him. Every ounce of strength, energy and determination went into helping him and saving him because I loved him and felt I was nothing without him. I thought if I loved him enough he would surely pick me over cocaine any day.
I spent endless hours planning on what would be the next quick fix to our relationship because I was afraid to be without him. You see, I had made him my world.
I spent days at a time with my eyes swollen almost completely shut from crying. I wondered what was so wrong with me that made him want to do drugs. Why wasn't he just happy being with me? I made his addiction all about me.
I obsessed myself over him, his addiction and the truth. I went through his wallet, cell phone, work truck, pants pockets, dresser drawers and tool box daily looking for what I already knew. I'd always find what I was looking for and never felt any better. Actually I usually felt worse. What had I become?
I cried, begged and pleaded and made empty threats I never intended on following through with to try and get him to stop using, or feel bad enough to want to quit. I was looking for that love in his eyes he used to have for me.........I wanted to see if he still cared. Nothing ever worked and once again I hurt all over.
I blamed myself each time he'd walk out the door and be gone for days at a time. "Maybe I shouldn't have said what I said" or "Maybe if I could just learn to accept his drug use things woiuld change." Who was I fooling?
Each hour came right on time as I sat there staring at the clock waiting for him to come home and wondering why he hadn't yet. "Was he with someone else?" Was he dead or alive?
My health started taking a turn for the worse and I ended up in the hospital for stress related symptoms. While laying in the hospital bed I looked outside and noticed the sun was shining. Wow, that was the first time I actually noticed in over a year!!
I had wasted so much time and life had just kept going on. The world was still spinning. The sun came up everyday like it always has. Everyday I'd awake and was still breathing. My heart although broken was still beating.
Life goes on even when we feel like we can't. There are fresh flowers to pick and beaches to walk on. There's new places to discover and new people to meet. There are mountains to climb and even buried treasure out there still left to find.
The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again. Through all the pain and all the tears lies a strong, capable, life loving person who is worth so much more than you may be thinking right now.
Be patient with yourself. Don't give up or ever doubt your abilities. You WILL get through this even if you have to take what comes at you minute by minute.
Have faith in your HP and in yourself. Life goes on and believe it or not.......you will too.
I spent every day trying to fix him. Every ounce of strength, energy and determination went into helping him and saving him because I loved him and felt I was nothing without him. I thought if I loved him enough he would surely pick me over cocaine any day.
I spent endless hours planning on what would be the next quick fix to our relationship because I was afraid to be without him. You see, I had made him my world.
I spent days at a time with my eyes swollen almost completely shut from crying. I wondered what was so wrong with me that made him want to do drugs. Why wasn't he just happy being with me? I made his addiction all about me.
I obsessed myself over him, his addiction and the truth. I went through his wallet, cell phone, work truck, pants pockets, dresser drawers and tool box daily looking for what I already knew. I'd always find what I was looking for and never felt any better. Actually I usually felt worse. What had I become?
I cried, begged and pleaded and made empty threats I never intended on following through with to try and get him to stop using, or feel bad enough to want to quit. I was looking for that love in his eyes he used to have for me.........I wanted to see if he still cared. Nothing ever worked and once again I hurt all over.
I blamed myself each time he'd walk out the door and be gone for days at a time. "Maybe I shouldn't have said what I said" or "Maybe if I could just learn to accept his drug use things woiuld change." Who was I fooling?
Each hour came right on time as I sat there staring at the clock waiting for him to come home and wondering why he hadn't yet. "Was he with someone else?" Was he dead or alive?
My health started taking a turn for the worse and I ended up in the hospital for stress related symptoms. While laying in the hospital bed I looked outside and noticed the sun was shining. Wow, that was the first time I actually noticed in over a year!!
I had wasted so much time and life had just kept going on. The world was still spinning. The sun came up everyday like it always has. Everyday I'd awake and was still breathing. My heart although broken was still beating.
Life goes on even when we feel like we can't. There are fresh flowers to pick and beaches to walk on. There's new places to discover and new people to meet. There are mountains to climb and even buried treasure out there still left to find.
The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again. Through all the pain and all the tears lies a strong, capable, life loving person who is worth so much more than you may be thinking right now.
Be patient with yourself. Don't give up or ever doubt your abilities. You WILL get through this even if you have to take what comes at you minute by minute.
Have faith in your HP and in yourself. Life goes on and believe it or not.......you will too.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Well said!!
[QUOTE]
"The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again." [QUOTE]
I'm slowly doin that again...
And it's up and down , but in a much better and more interesting way than the addict roller coaster from hell that I was on before, cause now it's all MY destiny..unhindered by the drama of daily addiction....
That was an awsome post and a great way to start the day...thanks.
"The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again." [QUOTE]
I'm slowly doin that again...
And it's up and down , but in a much better and more interesting way than the addict roller coaster from hell that I was on before, cause now it's all MY destiny..unhindered by the drama of daily addiction....
That was an awsome post and a great way to start the day...thanks.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Life goes on even when we feel like we can't. There are fresh flowers to pick and beaches to walk on. There's new places to discover and new people to meet. There are mountains to climb and even buried treasure out there still left to find.
The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again. Through all the pain and all the tears lies a strong, capable, life loving person who is worth so much more than you may be thinking right now.
The greatest treasure of all though is finally finding yourself again. Through all the pain and all the tears lies a strong, capable, life loving person who is worth so much more than you may be thinking right now.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch 
I felt like my world just fell apart and the life I had known for 5 years was one enormous lie.
But I came here and you all have given the reins a shake and got my head up and looking around to realize that is 6 years that WAS and all I have is today which is what IS.
thank you for this really really helpful insight!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Mauldin, SC
Posts: 35
Life Goes On
I can only control my own behavior - no one else's.
I have to remind myself of this constantly!!
I have an adult AD. I ask myself all the time, "Why did this happen to me?" My other children don't have the problem. We all have been hurt terribly by this. I don't have any answers. I have had to learn to Let go and Let God - to detach - and realize that the only one I can control is myself.
I am back to enjoying my life again.............yeah!!!
I have to remind myself of this constantly!!
I have an adult AD. I ask myself all the time, "Why did this happen to me?" My other children don't have the problem. We all have been hurt terribly by this. I don't have any answers. I have had to learn to Let go and Let God - to detach - and realize that the only one I can control is myself.
I am back to enjoying my life again.............yeah!!!
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
There IS a rich and satisfying life, full of happiness, joy, serenity and peace, on the other side.
Cats
Cats
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
You know as hard as it is to go through what we are all going through.......you have to wonder if we would have never been put in this place would we have ever made the much needed changes that we had to make in our own lives. For today I am a stronger person, my faith has grown, I know I don't have to be in control of anyone else, because the outcomes are better if I am not. So many positives came from the negatives. Thank you Loves for this time to reflect.
The sun can shine on us if we let it..............Lois
The sun can shine on us if we let it..............Lois
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by Lobo
You know as hard as it is to go through what we are all going through.......you have to wonder if we would have never been put in this place would we have ever made the much needed changes that we had to make in our own lives.
The sun can shine on us if we let it..............Lois
The sun can shine on us if we let it..............Lois
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Loves,
[QUOTE=Lovestoomuch;1378348]Life goes on even when we feel like we can't. There are fresh flowers to pick and beaches to walk on. There's new places to discover and new people to meet. There are mountains to climb and even buried treasure out there still left to find./QUOTE]
You are so right! Life does go on.
It's up to us to choose the View!
Thank you for sharing your Experience, Strength, & Hope,
Lithloren
[QUOTE=Lovestoomuch;1378348]Life goes on even when we feel like we can't. There are fresh flowers to pick and beaches to walk on. There's new places to discover and new people to meet. There are mountains to climb and even buried treasure out there still left to find./QUOTE]
You are so right! Life does go on.
It's up to us to choose the View!
Thank you for sharing your Experience, Strength, & Hope,
Lithloren
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Washington state
Posts: 20
Great post!! I am finally started to find "myself" and not worry about him anymore and it feels so good!!! And seeing posts like yours just makes it that much easier to walk away and start caring for myself!
Thank you!
Thank you!
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Beautifully said Loves.
I think we all come here a bit hopeless and a little broken but we somehow have found a way to put some of the pieces back enough to move forward and from then on we become a work in progress always looking to become better, healthier and happier.
Thanks for the Reminder.
I think we all come here a bit hopeless and a little broken but we somehow have found a way to put some of the pieces back enough to move forward and from then on we become a work in progress always looking to become better, healthier and happier.
Thanks for the Reminder.
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by Lithloren
It's up to us to choose the View!
I think sometimes we forget that we too have choices. I was so wrapped up in my ex and his problems that I didn't realize I was choosing to be mixed up in his chaos. When I finally chose me over him life got a whole lot easier and my future started looking a whole lot more brighter.
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