Aysha

I think I have abandoned my faith in the Lord lately.
Maybe because the whole 12 step thing. Because i dont like it..it doesnt work for me..and i dont get it.
I have been doing the SMART program and has really helped me in the little 2 weeks I have been doing it.
The meetings are very helpful and their tools as well.
But I think at the same time I have been disregarding my faith.
Regardless if I am religious or not or go to church or believe everything the bible teaches. I do believe he is there,
But lately I have abandoned looking to him for guidance.
And let me be very blunt.
Thats when all this court crap started rolling in..i bisted my a$$ on the steps and my foot is killing me and swollen and i cant put pressure on it.
I have had very high levels of anxiety.
I still dont believe i have a disease..And I cant believe I am powerless. As far as my addiction goes. As far as things out of my control...thats different.
But I can still believe in God regardless.
I am not a very religious person. I couldnt tell you one verse from the bible. But as long as I believe he is there ..I think thats all that matters.
I can say I must be here for a reason. because of all the things I have done and been through..I always come out more than OK.
No matter what things always seem to work out.
I may not be rich and struggle a little with survival..but we have what we need and a little more most of the time.
Me and my grams are blessed. I do believe that.
I dont know. I feel I have turned my back on him and now I am feeling the reprecussions.
Maybe I am just crazy.

I have strayed lately and I think I am getting the message.

GlassPrisoner

Definitions -

Atheist - Someone that doesn't believe in God, and lives life according to their own terms.

Agnostic - Someone that does believe in God, and lives life according to their own terms.

Chiy, it's so much easier when you quit fighting it. But you have to reach out, and admit you've been beat.

GlassPrisoner

One more thing powerless.

Here's a test. I'll assume booze is your drug of choice. Buy a gallon of whatever. Buy two shot glasses. Fill them, and drink them. Leave the rest alone for the rest of the night and the next day.

Assuming you pass that test, use your will power to not touch the rest of that booze for as long as you can.

I didn't have a full bottle, but I made it 40 months. Then I went on the relapse to end all replapses. 10 years of heavy drinking, the last 2 years were 24 X 7. Physically dependant, I couldn't go 2 hours without booze or I'd withdraw.

Aysha

My Doc is crack. I never was a drinker.
A bartender for 10 years and never drank. Weird huh.
I would have to say since you put it like that.
No..I could not buy a rock take 2 hits and leave the rest . No way.
BUT I have the power to not even go there in the first place.
Out of sight ,out of mind.
I know I am hard headed.
I'm a Leo ..Thats what we do.
I understand what you are saying tho.
But then again...I dont know if I could. Maybe if I really really tried really really hard i might. But probably not. It not 100% either way.
I am not gonna try and test that theory tho.

GlassPrisoner

That's all that's meant by powerless. And yeah, substitute crack for booze.

Hang in there Chi, don't lose your faith. It gets better. It'll probably get worse first though.

You're hard headed ?!?!? I'm an alcoholic. We're as stubborn as they come ! That's why I had to get my a** kicked so damm hard before I gave it up. Evem then, part of me was saying "No man....I can do this ! I know I can. It'll be different this time".

That's the insanity.

Aysha

I have to tell you..I always love to read your posts. they are short and to the point without sugar coating.
You are a wise person and have alot of great advice to give.
You tell it like it is but in a good way.
That is a good quality.
Thank you.

GlassPrisoner

Just trying to give back what little I have learned/lived.

I hate to see anyone suffer. Especially fellow addicts/alkies.

Gonna go nite nite now. I'll see you around, right ?

Fluttering

chiynita
Many of us have had to achieve some sort of balance in recovery. As a result it took us longer to get reconnected with the church..as a result of what we did out there we had trouble ...

be patient and gentle with you ..Your faith is there...andit is still strong...just a little elusive right now ..just know it is there.

Lizrox

Maybe because the whole 12 step thing. Because i dont like it..it doesnt work for me..and i dont get it

Chiynata,

I don't get it either. Thats why i don't go to NA/AA.

Welcome to the club!!!!

SaTiT

I never lack faith..
when i step out of bed half asleep and put my foot
on the floor. I have faith that the floor would be there.
I don't think about it..I don't question it.
I trust..it is done with full conviction
I do it with grace..when I step out of bed.

but you know..As soon as you went to smart..
you belive it might help ya.

Higher power...strength in numbers, power of a group ..i guess.
you don't have to do it alone..
as long as you don't listen to your own head all the freaken time,
follow instructions..
Good Orderly Directions..
becuase look at where your own thinking got ya...

but if your one of those people that have that big
as hole inside of ya..and it can't be fill no matter
what any human being tells me...what am i going to do.
I go get my needs..i chase god like I chased dope..lol
I chase god like i chase women..
I falling love with god like I fall in love with drug or alcohol
i falling love with god like I fall in love with women..lol

why ??..becuase drugs, alcoholc, money and women didn't bring
me the love, peace, and happiness or fill the emptiness
I had..
I need to surround myself around people that understands me..
becuase i don't get a lot of things...god included.

i don't have all the answers to recovery, to life.
if i did..why the hell would i bother going to NA or AA to begin with...lol

SaTiT

i question god a whole damn hell of a lot.
My hs gf was killed..
If there was a god damn god...why did it take away
somewone that I love so much..freanken why ??

i don't know..i go to AA or NA thou.

2ala2

No faith = fear.
Powrless is strengh to see/admit your weaknesses. The word is misunderstood.
I ask my Higher Power for guidance for almost everything.
The messages are everywhere if we just look.
It's too precise to be a coincedance.

calabash

There seems to be this view of powerlesness as weekness. Powerless, as used in step one refers to our inability to control our intake of alcohol or drugs. For me it was never enough.

We have no choice, once we take the first hit/drink, and obessively continue to consume our DOC - powerless

However, once we admit that we are powerless, and come to believe that a power greater than oursleves can restore us to sanity, we get that choice back. Because we choose not to take that first hit.

The 2nd step say we came to believe - all it asks of us is a willingness to believe. It does not say who or what we must believe in - other than a power greater than ourselves. It can be the love in the rooms, a totem pole, the clouds, fellow addicts, whatever.

Laslty, let us remember that the 12 steps are a SPIRITUAL, not RELIGIOUS programme.

I struggle with religion.
I dance with God, big difference between the 2.

Rusty Zipper

chiy awe, come on now...

for me, it aint about what i like, its about whats better...

good wishes, and hope you find your faith again...

xxoo, rz

IO Storm

I am an Aries..very hard headed and hard hitting with those

big horns.

I am Alcoholic..

I am Addict.

Triple A!

Denying these just gave me a big headache...

I just kept banging my head against a wall..

Love,

IO

PurpleReign

Hey Chi,
Just remember faith = belief + trust, sounds like you have the belief part down (that's usually the easier of the two for those that were raised in some sort of religious background). Trust is the one I struggle most with, sometimes it's difficult to let go and let God.

I'm a Leo too, but I don't think the Zodiac has jack on my "sign of the addict" who could beat my Leo's a$$.

It's pretty normal to question your faith, but too many things in my life have pointed to easier times when I didn't ask so many damn questions (because I do that a bit too much.) It's great that you realize you need to spend some more time "with God." Cool.

Peace,
PR

SaTiT

Once you get into the program read books, work the
steps. You'll come across words such as paradox
and figure it out

but you know...i don't advertize certain things

you either want it or you don't...first things first..

best

Chiy

Looking over your post I am seeing things that list out why you think you have no faith.
Make another list... a list of positives that you have and I am sure you will see just how much faith you do have. From where most of us come from...trust of others can be a big issue that can include trust of God. He understands and I have found that He proves Himself in my life daily. My trust in Him grows because of what "He" does, not because of anything I try to do.

I was in school for ministerial studies... guess what? I can't remember verses and quote them either like others can. I need look them up to this day. The important part...When I read the verses and find their meaning... I have the meaning in my heart and try to use it all the time. Remembering words and being able to quote them just shows how well I can remember things. Putting the words into action is showing how much faith I have.
Have you abandoned your faith or are you at a point of questioning how things work?
Let the Lord build your faith for you. You will see His hand at work in your life when you look for it.

Alive

Chiy, i have been on a fase where i am making questions, i've decided to be my own kind of catholic, you know, i don't agree with the churches on the condoms thing, the gay thing, divorce, sex as a sin...i told God i can't be a hypocrite...i believe he won't love you less for questioning Him....we are human, it's ok to doubt..but as for me...when i am in despair or in great joy i know he is there...

i have been thinking that God loves me in my complete way of being...i do a lot of mistakes but i don't hurt others with intention......i have no longer a definition for sin....i just freed myself from that...i will always love God,but i've asked some time to think this last week..i need to rethink how i am going to use my faith, because i no longer agree with the way church is using God's name....

all that sin thing was killing me, i am much more healthy imagining God as an opened minded dude....

stay strong

Aysha

I have seen what i believe to be his work..Many times.
Thats what I meant when I said we always come out ok no matter what.
Alot of things have happened and it just totally went another direction than it should have. Toward the better.
I have been very lucky in my life considering what I have put my self through.
I should be long dead or homeless or something.
One example of what I believe to be his work..

This was in 2003. I was out running the streets as usual..and on my way to pick up.
Coming to a red light almost to a stop i was 3rd in an accident at the light. I am in a truck..the first 2 cars were tiny things.
I wasnt going more than 5 miles an hour because I was almost stopped. I looked down for a sec and crash.
I was the only car unable to drive away.
I called my grams and told her what happened.
So I had it towed down the street to my friends so I couls get something to smoke. cause I really needed it now.
After I smoked it up so fast it was hell trying to make anything else happen. i couldnt get a dollar to save my life. So I ended up calling a friend that i use to get money from and rides and you know..one of those guys. Well when he picked me up he said you need to call ur grams.. So I did and she told me my grampshad just passed at home. Hospice was on their way and she isnt going to let them take him until i get there. I lost it..And sick pitiful me had to get another rock to really calm me down now. So like a jerk I called my dude and told him what happened and i was broke and he was like ok ..i will leave it my mail box just come get it. Dont worry bout it.
So I finally get to my house buggin out because i am so high and freakin out because of the accident and now my gramps is lying dead in his bed. I couldnt even cry I was so high. i hate to think of that.
But point being...If I had not wrecked my truck..I would not have been home or even called home for at least a day or so. So I believe I got in that accident for a reason. Sound silly? Not when you total the whole front end of ur truck doing 2 miles an hour.
That I know was his work.
Had to be.
I am just stressing over this court crap and so confused about how to recover. Which program do I use..I hear things abotu one and experience different. But some that work are lacking the faith i need.
i dont know.
I just need to slow down and relax and ponder awhile.
But I will always believe...even when I think hes not listening I know eventually it will al be clear.
Thx you guys.