Finally made a move...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Sarasota, FL
Posts: 11
Finally made a move...
WOW! What a whirlwind of a week. My ah finally pushed me far enough to actually act....not say I was going to do something, but to act. I broke down and told my parents. My children and I stayed with them for the last 5 nights. My ah finally dried out enough after 4 days of pure drunkeness to talk coherently. I went to a lawyer. I asked my ah to move out and he did. WOW! I still cannot believe I actually made the move. Now, here's where I need advice....
My ah, up until this point, would not consider getting outside help. It was always "I can beat this on my own." Now, he's made 2 different appointments - one that includes family counseling that he thinks we need (I agree with that one no matter what). He claims that he hasn't drank anything in 3 days now. I have no concrete reason to not believe him, but of course there are always doubts. He's begging me to give him another chance. I told him it would take time, and that I am resentful of what I had to do to get him to wake-up. He claims he's getting help for himself, even if I decide that I'm done. I am very resentful. Actually I'm ticked off - ticked at all the crap he's put us through by not choosing to deal with his problem. I don't really know if I want to try again. I want the best for my children. I worry that he may not be done. I worry that he may be done and what it would do to my children if I turned my back on him during the first time he's actually making an effort. I'm confused.
I have told him that I am not making any promises at all. I told him that if I did allow him to move back in that it would be on my terms, not his. I told him that I did not want him to take money out of the bank via ATM - that he could use his debit card at places, but not take money out. I also told him that at places that would allow cash back, I would want the receipt. My thoughts are that now he has to prove himself and that I have every right to check up on him. What are your thoughts?? Am I going overboard? When does one know when it's over? How horrible would I be if I did walk the first time he made an true effort? What could this do to my children?
What I do not question is how I would react to a relapse - I'd walk without question.
Thanks for all of your support. It's been a while since I posted, but I no longer feel alone!!
Julie
My ah, up until this point, would not consider getting outside help. It was always "I can beat this on my own." Now, he's made 2 different appointments - one that includes family counseling that he thinks we need (I agree with that one no matter what). He claims that he hasn't drank anything in 3 days now. I have no concrete reason to not believe him, but of course there are always doubts. He's begging me to give him another chance. I told him it would take time, and that I am resentful of what I had to do to get him to wake-up. He claims he's getting help for himself, even if I decide that I'm done. I am very resentful. Actually I'm ticked off - ticked at all the crap he's put us through by not choosing to deal with his problem. I don't really know if I want to try again. I want the best for my children. I worry that he may not be done. I worry that he may be done and what it would do to my children if I turned my back on him during the first time he's actually making an effort. I'm confused.
I have told him that I am not making any promises at all. I told him that if I did allow him to move back in that it would be on my terms, not his. I told him that I did not want him to take money out of the bank via ATM - that he could use his debit card at places, but not take money out. I also told him that at places that would allow cash back, I would want the receipt. My thoughts are that now he has to prove himself and that I have every right to check up on him. What are your thoughts?? Am I going overboard? When does one know when it's over? How horrible would I be if I did walk the first time he made an true effort? What could this do to my children?
What I do not question is how I would react to a relapse - I'd walk without question.
Thanks for all of your support. It's been a while since I posted, but I no longer feel alone!!
Julie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi Neighbor, don't think we have met before! Here's my 2 cents.
What's the hurry? If he is serious about recovery, his actions will speak for themselves.
Three days of soberity and a bunch of rules does not make for recovery.
As for the debit card, you are fooling yourself, you cannot control him. It is up to him to do that...he will drain more money out of the account. It will happen.
Just because you are protecting you and your children doesn't mean it's over, the ball is in his court, sit back, see what happens. There is no rush to jump back in feet first, think with your head, not your heart.
Do this for your children, they must be your priorty.
This is his problem, he created it, it is his to resolve, you cannot resolve it for him.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Dolly
What's the hurry? If he is serious about recovery, his actions will speak for themselves.
Three days of soberity and a bunch of rules does not make for recovery.
As for the debit card, you are fooling yourself, you cannot control him. It is up to him to do that...he will drain more money out of the account. It will happen.
Just because you are protecting you and your children doesn't mean it's over, the ball is in his court, sit back, see what happens. There is no rush to jump back in feet first, think with your head, not your heart.
Do this for your children, they must be your priorty.
This is his problem, he created it, it is his to resolve, you cannot resolve it for him.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Hi, Julie. First of all, there is never any way of knowing when a person chooses to recover. We are only human and can't see the future. What you can see is how your husband behaves from now on. I think at this point the reality of you leaving him has hit and he is terrified. That DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. So many of us want to believe that our breaking away will be enough incentive for an addict to stop using, but we are not that powerful. At this point, your AH is making just enough effort to stop you from taking any drastic action. If you allow him to move back in now, things will be good for a while--I guess it's a sort of a honeymoon period that restores your belief in the man you married and love. However, in most scenarios, the drinking resumes; within days, or weeks, or months, but it resumes. The vicious cycle of alcoholism that we are all so familiar with.
It may be different in your case. It just may be that your AH finally realized what kind of damage he has been inflicting on your family, and faces his disease head on. I very much hope so. If not, establish some boundaries--for you, not for him--and make sure you follow through with your decisions. That's the most crucial part--follow through, because if you don't, your alcoholic will gradually learn to not take your "threats" seriously. He will comply just enough to get you off his back and then things will return to normal. Watch his actions very closely from now on, don't listen to his words. If he actively works on his recovery, that's fantastic; if not, you are in charge of your life.
It may be different in your case. It just may be that your AH finally realized what kind of damage he has been inflicting on your family, and faces his disease head on. I very much hope so. If not, establish some boundaries--for you, not for him--and make sure you follow through with your decisions. That's the most crucial part--follow through, because if you don't, your alcoholic will gradually learn to not take your "threats" seriously. He will comply just enough to get you off his back and then things will return to normal. Watch his actions very closely from now on, don't listen to his words. If he actively works on his recovery, that's fantastic; if not, you are in charge of your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
How many years did it take for you to be "pushed too far"???
and he wants you to give him a chance after 3 days? How hard was it to do the first time on both you and the children??? Im not so sure it is healthy for anyone to do the yo yo ... I have done it and it sucks... So like dolly said... what is the hurry.
There is time for him to "show" you he is serious about recovery.... and laying down the law like that will make no difference. Do you really want to be in a relationship that you have to babysit and check up on all the time?.... that would drive me nuts.
I would however open a new account and move enough money into it that it would not matter if he did not stick to his promise you would still be able to pay the bills and put food on the table... When I was in that situation, as much as it hurt, I had to make sure I and my daughter were taken care of .... As far as marriage counceling... well when my ex-AH and I tried the first time the therapist told me there was nothing he could do until the addiction was addressed.... so I probably would not waste the money on that one....
So sorry your going through all this hon....
and he wants you to give him a chance after 3 days? How hard was it to do the first time on both you and the children??? Im not so sure it is healthy for anyone to do the yo yo ... I have done it and it sucks... So like dolly said... what is the hurry.
There is time for him to "show" you he is serious about recovery.... and laying down the law like that will make no difference. Do you really want to be in a relationship that you have to babysit and check up on all the time?.... that would drive me nuts.
I would however open a new account and move enough money into it that it would not matter if he did not stick to his promise you would still be able to pay the bills and put food on the table... When I was in that situation, as much as it hurt, I had to make sure I and my daughter were taken care of .... As far as marriage counceling... well when my ex-AH and I tried the first time the therapist told me there was nothing he could do until the addiction was addressed.... so I probably would not waste the money on that one....
So sorry your going through all this hon....
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
((((FeelingAlone))))))
You got support for YOU now after telling you parents right?
I'd say that a POSITIVE step in the right direction. As you said, you no longer feel alone
But,,,and don't ya HATE but's?!?!?!he,he,he
IMHO You BOTH need time. What's the risk of takng it?
And if you ask me, staying together would be doing the codie/alkie dance
Take what you need and leave the rest,,,
Peace
You got support for YOU now after telling you parents right?
I'd say that a POSITIVE step in the right direction. As you said, you no longer feel alone
But,,,and don't ya HATE but's?!?!?!he,he,he
IMHO You BOTH need time. What's the risk of takng it?
And if you ask me, staying together would be doing the codie/alkie dance
Take what you need and leave the rest,,,
Peace
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