Lovestoomuch

I was sitting here thinking about the past 5 years of my life and the hell I went through with my exabf.

All of the sudden a flood of good memories came rushing in and for a second it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

It was at that moment I realized I've been supressing the good memories and times with my ex afraid they would make me weak and I would feel hurt and angry all over again.

As I sat there and continued to remember I realized I was ok. I wasn't crying or angry. In fact, I was smiling and felt a warmth in my heart.

I've been coming to SR since 2005 and realized I've only spoke of the horrific things my ex did to me.........about the pain he caused.

I'd like to share something nice for a change and if anyone feels comfortable enough, I'd like to hear something nice about the addict in your life......maybe a good quality he or she possesses.

I really think it would be nice to hear something other than negatives about them.

Ok, here it goes.

My ex was always a manly sort of man. When we first moved into our house I wanted to go shopping for flowers so I could start a garden. To my suprise he went with me. He helped me pick some out.......even hollering accross the garden section with flowers in his hands shouting "Look honey! Aren't these beautiful? We need to get these."

When we got back home i expected him to go down to his buddies to watch the football game but he didn't. He helped me plant my garden. He even color coordinated the garden to insure no two colors were too close together So we could have a colorful "mix". LOL

We sat outside with a couple glasses of sweet tea after we were done and talked about what we wanted to do with the house and of our future.

You know........a couple of those flowers still bloom although most of them were wiped out in the hurricanes. I think I can look at them and finally smile. They are a reminder of what once was before the ugly face of addiction took him from me. They remind me that I survived all those storms and I will go on.

Thank you for letting me share this.

cinderellawkids

AH would fix me nice dinners several times a week. One night I got home from work, hed had teh kids all day and dinner was cooked sitting on table under a hot plate, candles lit and everyone dressed up. No particular reason just because.

These nice things happened a lot in the final weeks we resided together. I really think he was trying, and then the bottom fell out. Some night swhen I was real tired he take care of everything, put kids to bed and tuck me in to

frankly

((Loves))

Your post shines of recovery. It also speaks volumes to forgiveness and letting go. You are an inspiration.

He held my hand, cleaned up my vomit and other bodily functions when I almost died in my own bathroom. He stood by me during medical diagnosis that left me feeling there was no hope. He gave me hope. He made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.

B

wildbucky13

He has the ability to make me laugh at myself, and life when I take it too seriously. He's always up for an impromptu trip, and will sit and watch North & South (every episode) with me. He'll make the snacks too.

rozied

Hi Loves, Boy for me thats a tough one cuz it was soo many yrs ago that I was in love with an addict but you got me racking my brain & I did remembr a few good things.
When we were first married I remember we would take $25 a week & I would go food shopping. $19 was spent on food & $6 on 2 cartons of ciggies. That should tell you how long ago this was. I was pregnant with my 1st son & he is now 40. Once he took me shopping & bought me 3 suede coats. One was a purple suede 3/4 length coat, another was a rust color jacket with a fur collar & the last was a deep chocolate brown dress coat with a fur collar. I don't remember any of the details but I sure remember those clothes.
Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
Love,
Diane

CatsPajamas

Kris,

As Frankly says, this post shines with recovery. I've had a few A partners... and you're right, it's good to remember the positive attributes about them and not just dwell on the negatives.

My ex AH actually "kidnapped" me and took me to New Orleans for the weekend (many yrs before the Hurricane changed it). He arranged time off for me from work, packed my bag, made all the arrangements - even had someone lined up to take care of our dogs! I didn't know what was going on until we arrived at the airport.

Thanks for helping me to remember good things.

Cats

Elana

I am almost to where Loves is.
I have slide shows on my 'puter from all the trips my X and I took. I have taken out all the photos of me and of him.. for now. I did not toss them. I kept them on a CD and a different place on the HD.

However, in that vein, yesterday I was thinking about all the fun we had and what that gave me.. and the photo work I did and what that gave me as well (always an alternate source of Income or a side job as well as wonderful memories).

I have decided that in August I will take the photos I took of my Mom at the Grand Canyon and make a 16X20 print of one of those and give it to my Dad for his Birthday in September.. and in doing so know in my heart that w/o my X I never would have taken such a professional photo.

When we first are hurting we wish we could wipe the Addict from our lives and memories. As we move on and heal, we start to appreciate the good parts and the strength we gained from both the good parts, the bad parts and the recovery.

Thank you Kris for sharing this. You made my day (and dang.. it is MONDAY so I am going to have an awesome week!)

pjbs55

My son always had a way of making me smile. I remember all the vacations we took when he was younger. For my last birthday we saw each other he made me crabs and spag. He went out and bought them, cleaned them and even cooked them. For someone 18 that was a big deal. He even went out and bought me my favorite cake, strawberry shortcake.
He was very loving to his mom, and I hope that someday it will be that way again.
Thanks Kris,

parentrecovers

i remember the day my daughter learned to ride a two wheeler - the pride and love i felt her - teetering down that driveway.

addiction is so damn hard.

blessings, k

BigSis

Sissy riding her new Christmas bike in the snow... hot pink snow coat clashing with her copper curls.

hope213

my son was such a joy when he was growing up.he loved everybody & everybody loved him. he always shined when he walked in a room.i can see him on his green machine.he called it his udden.he wore the tires out on 3 of them.he was always so protective of me.never forgot a birthday,mothers day(still don't) or any event that come(s) along.i remember a pond draining our neighbors had.i have pictures of him when he came home.mud from his head to his toes.his clothers had to be thrown away.he was always the center of attention.i could go on & on.he is my baby & that don't change.

nevergivingup

Okay, this took me a while! LOL!

When xabf used to think I was sleeping, he'd talk about me. One night a bunch of people slept over and he was mostly asleep and he and a friend were talking about how much he liked me (very early in the relationship). Or, when I was asleep and he was playing with J, and J was just a baby, he'd say all of these really nice things about me. It was hard to hold back a smile while I was pretending to be asleep!

cinderellawkids

nevers post just reminded me of when out baby was 4 days old. I snickered and told him it was his turn to cahnge the baby. (for a week he stayed clean and doted constantly on him) I walked it to see him holding a stuffed bunny using baby voices having bunny talk to lil D, I say abck quietly and fell in love all over again

bookmiser

Hi! Just had to add that I did thank you, too, Rozied. I have no idea why the button didn't work on your post. Didn't want ya to think I didn't thank you too.

Anyway, what a great thread, Kris. It definitely shows how far you've come in recovery too.
I have very few good memories, of the 10 years I spent with my exah.
I guess the fact that he hasn't changed much since then, keeps me from ever thinking about them. We're pretty cordial to each other when we see one another, but I won't ever visit in my mind the memories of a shared love. I was very young then and it's even possible that I never truly loved him. I hooked up with him more out of convenience. He would visit my mother's bar and shoot pool with me.
He was a very good pool player. Ha! There's a memory for ya. lol
On the other hand, I have so many good memories of my son as a young boy.
He was always the center of attention with anyone he came into contact with.
He demanded it. lol Still does, for that matter.
Thanks again for bringing up "the way we were".
Love ya,
Linda

HKAngel24

Loves- it's amazing that you are at a place where you can say these things without any residual anger, sadness or guilt.

I hope I can get to where you are at one day- you are a very strong woman.

guineapigjude

Thanks, Kris. I've been trying so hard to detach that I've blocked the good stuff out. I have to remember that, fo the most part, the good stuff was him and the crap was the drugs and alcohol...

He used to have my coffee ready for me when I came downstairs in the morning...he'd tell all his friends what a great wife and mother I was (Oh how things change...)...he would always brag about my artwork...he would build me little toys for my guinea pigs... he sent me flowers for promotions at work or just because...

There were a million good memories in those twenty years. Thanks for reminding me!

finallyout

loves - great idea.

the best memory i have of ah was the day our 2nd child was born - he had been clean long enuf to actually enjoy it - as soon as he was born my ah held with the biggest smile i ever saw and talked to him for close to an hour, he didn't even want to give him back to the nurses. it was the happiest i ever saw my husband.

he did so many things over the years to give us great memories - but it was all the little stuff that i miss the most - the amazing dinners he made (i can't cook very well), even after work outside in the heat or snow depending on the season, he'd come home and get right to cooking these great dinners for us. i miss the way he always sang to the car radio and wanted me to join him even though i can't sign or the way he wanted to dance with me in the kitchen with no music playing. and how he always took care of me when i was sick - taking over with the kids and the house. he was a good man, when he wanted to be one.

Astro

Can an alcoholic in recovery who's crying all over his keyboard post a few thoughts?

I think the most precious times were when our kids were just babies and we'd both get up in the middle of the night to feed them. We'd hold hands and cuddle our babies until we all fell back to sleep. When the kids got a little older we bought a big house, and remodeled it ourselves one room at a time. It was nice after we finished a room to sit in it together, hold each other, and admire how well we did as a couple.

Thanks for this beautiful post, Kris. I needed it as a reminder that although she's remarried and moved on, there were some very good times in our 11 years or marriage.

guineapigjude

Thanks for your post Astro~though there is no future for my AH and me, seeing where you are now gives me hope that someday he'll be able to recover, like you, and make some nice memories of his own.

cinderellawkids

NOw Im sitting here wanting to go find and hug AH.

I wont, if he continues to do well, he will appear soon.