Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 24
Confused
It's been a while since I've been back......glad I am...
One of us finally got a job (my husbend), my alone time is soooooooooooooooo nice.........but we are still living with my parents
he hasn't drank in a few weeks, but then again he is probably waiting for his first paycheck. I don;t want to be sarcastic, but he has announced to me in so many words that he does not intend on stoping at all, he already making conditions on what and where he will drink....
I have been doing ok, (for about a week).....Im having a major problem with a few things.
My husbend was in rehab in dec and got friendly with a few people, especially this one woman. I looked at it at first as a support thing, and then it started to bother me becuase they would speak EVERY DAY!!!!! He would talk to her about me, our problems, but never tell me anything. Then I find this letter that she wrote him while he was still in rehab saying how connected she feels to him and how she hopes they can get together soon, and how amazing she thinks he is......and how flattering his letter was. Well of course i confronted him about this mysterious letter he gave her, and he told me that he basically told her she was a nice person and how she shouldn't put herself into any harmful situations, and he said that if he was not married he thinks he could have feelings for her..... Well when he got home, he was so unsure about how he felt about me, I told him to figure it out becuase I was not going to be #2 to anyone (except myself of course).That took alot!!!!...
He's still here....
Well it has since died down since then to about 1x a month, she doens;t call as often, but he has called her when im not around, he would take walks to call her and if he sees me coming it's "ok well i have to go". He went to NJ for an overnight job......who did he call......HER!!! I leave the house, who does he call ????
I have brought to this his attention that I absolutly hate it. and he tells me who he talks to is his business.... He has also said when it comes to looks and knowing me, she has me beat. (how nice!!) She is the only one he has kept in constant contact with, and I have heard him say "D" won't talk to me anymore becuase I talk to "other people" more them him.....
I actually had to opportunity to listen (at the window) to a conversation, it was friendly and that's it.
We actually recently had a conversation about it and I told him why I felt so intimidated.....but he still erases her number from his phone when they do speak (ok, so I look sometimes) But why be so sneeky????? He says he does it when im not around so he doesn't have to answer questions becuase I tend to drag thing into the ground..... Well i call it not wanting to deal with a bunch of crap!! He likes to get reactions from me.....
but the thing about it is I feel more hurt and anger than anything else. He is so concerned with her problems with her in general that I feel like ok well let's see your wife is upset about x y & z? DO YOU EVEN CARE??? He just is not a patient with me, god forbid i repeat a complaint or problem more then once.....
It is so frustrating for me to feel like my marriage is in jeopardy.....My husbend only tells people what he wants them to hear, so naturally everything is my fault, I ask too many questions, and it makes me wonder if he does tell her that he is still drinking....doubt it......then maybe she would not feel so sorry for him .
I hate how this makes me feel. I am constanly on my guard, his phone rings, my stomach jumps, he checks his email, im right there..His phone bills comes in I look at it and say hummmm...what was so important you had to call her 9 billion times.........I know that I can't control if he calls her but atleast i think he should have some sort of concern for how much this bothers me, but i guess i shouyld have the same respect for not searching through his things...... I am so confused I mean I am so low on myself that I expect him to leave me, and if he did I may be upset, but i know im not going to die.....
I decided to be a little nicer to him, a little less cranky and try to move forward.....sometimes i think im more obsessed about this "phone thing" than anything else......but i just don't know what to do. It's hard to focus on me.....
One of us finally got a job (my husbend), my alone time is soooooooooooooooo nice.........but we are still living with my parents
he hasn't drank in a few weeks, but then again he is probably waiting for his first paycheck. I don;t want to be sarcastic, but he has announced to me in so many words that he does not intend on stoping at all, he already making conditions on what and where he will drink....I have been doing ok, (for about a week).....Im having a major problem with a few things.
My husbend was in rehab in dec and got friendly with a few people, especially this one woman. I looked at it at first as a support thing, and then it started to bother me becuase they would speak EVERY DAY!!!!! He would talk to her about me, our problems, but never tell me anything. Then I find this letter that she wrote him while he was still in rehab saying how connected she feels to him and how she hopes they can get together soon, and how amazing she thinks he is......and how flattering his letter was. Well of course i confronted him about this mysterious letter he gave her, and he told me that he basically told her she was a nice person and how she shouldn't put herself into any harmful situations, and he said that if he was not married he thinks he could have feelings for her..... Well when he got home, he was so unsure about how he felt about me, I told him to figure it out becuase I was not going to be #2 to anyone (except myself of course).That took alot!!!!...
He's still here....
Well it has since died down since then to about 1x a month, she doens;t call as often, but he has called her when im not around, he would take walks to call her and if he sees me coming it's "ok well i have to go". He went to NJ for an overnight job......who did he call......HER!!! I leave the house, who does he call ????
I have brought to this his attention that I absolutly hate it. and he tells me who he talks to is his business.... He has also said when it comes to looks and knowing me, she has me beat. (how nice!!) She is the only one he has kept in constant contact with, and I have heard him say "D" won't talk to me anymore becuase I talk to "other people" more them him.....
I actually had to opportunity to listen (at the window) to a conversation, it was friendly and that's it.
We actually recently had a conversation about it and I told him why I felt so intimidated.....but he still erases her number from his phone when they do speak (ok, so I look sometimes) But why be so sneeky????? He says he does it when im not around so he doesn't have to answer questions becuase I tend to drag thing into the ground..... Well i call it not wanting to deal with a bunch of crap!! He likes to get reactions from me.....
but the thing about it is I feel more hurt and anger than anything else. He is so concerned with her problems with her in general that I feel like ok well let's see your wife is upset about x y & z? DO YOU EVEN CARE??? He just is not a patient with me, god forbid i repeat a complaint or problem more then once.....
It is so frustrating for me to feel like my marriage is in jeopardy.....My husbend only tells people what he wants them to hear, so naturally everything is my fault, I ask too many questions, and it makes me wonder if he does tell her that he is still drinking....doubt it......then maybe she would not feel so sorry for him .
I hate how this makes me feel. I am constanly on my guard, his phone rings, my stomach jumps, he checks his email, im right there..His phone bills comes in I look at it and say hummmm...what was so important you had to call her 9 billion times.........I know that I can't control if he calls her but atleast i think he should have some sort of concern for how much this bothers me, but i guess i shouyld have the same respect for not searching through his things...... I am so confused I mean I am so low on myself that I expect him to leave me, and if he did I may be upset, but i know im not going to die.....
I decided to be a little nicer to him, a little less cranky and try to move forward.....sometimes i think im more obsessed about this "phone thing" than anything else......but i just don't know what to do. It's hard to focus on me.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((Sunshine)))))))))
He told you she has you beat on looks?!? Sounds like he wants you to be jealous--even if he is "attempting" to hide it. Frankly, I think he wants you to find out he's in contact with her--he isn't trying that hard to hide it.
Don't let yourself obsess over this (I say this, because I've been realizing how much I obsess over things, and reading about co-dependency has opened my eyes to it). I know it bothers you--it would me! But it seems you are playing into his hands on this. I suppose it makes him feel like he's really worth something to have you worrying over this.
You need to put your focus back onto taking care of yourself. Here, borrow my tiara--you can be the Queen today. (I'd buy myself a pretty bouquet of flowers and set them on the table, sit there with a secret smile on my face, and let him do some wondering for awhile--see how he likes it.)
Lyn
Don't let yourself obsess over this (I say this, because I've been realizing how much I obsess over things, and reading about co-dependency has opened my eyes to it). I know it bothers you--it would me! But it seems you are playing into his hands on this. I suppose it makes him feel like he's really worth something to have you worrying over this.
You need to put your focus back onto taking care of yourself. Here, borrow my tiara--you can be the Queen today. (I'd buy myself a pretty bouquet of flowers and set them on the table, sit there with a secret smile on my face, and let him do some wondering for awhile--see how he likes it.)
Lyn
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Sunshine}}}
It is amazing how bad behaviour can lead to bad behaviour. His talking to her may be above board, but comparing you and telling you that you lose is cruel and abusive. Sober or not, it is bad behaviour. And the insecurity that brings out in you lead you to your own bad behaviour (snooping).
Someone has to stop the cycyle. And my guess is that you are the better person here, so maybe it can stop with you.
Work your program, focus 100% on you, do ONLY what suits you and ignore his bad behaviour. That may mean walking into another room and screaming into a pillow, or perhaps we could lend you the Jujubes (we jam them in our mouths to stop ourselves from saying things we may regret). But when he stops getting a reaction from you, he may give up the game.
The thing is, you can't control this either. We are powerless over anyone except ourelves. So take extra special care of yourself and know that you are a lovable person worthy of respect.
I'd lend you my tiara, but it seems to have got wrapped around my halo.
So instead I send hugs and prayers, and just want you to know that we care.
It is amazing how bad behaviour can lead to bad behaviour. His talking to her may be above board, but comparing you and telling you that you lose is cruel and abusive. Sober or not, it is bad behaviour. And the insecurity that brings out in you lead you to your own bad behaviour (snooping).
Someone has to stop the cycyle. And my guess is that you are the better person here, so maybe it can stop with you.
Work your program, focus 100% on you, do ONLY what suits you and ignore his bad behaviour. That may mean walking into another room and screaming into a pillow, or perhaps we could lend you the Jujubes (we jam them in our mouths to stop ourselves from saying things we may regret). But when he stops getting a reaction from you, he may give up the game.
The thing is, you can't control this either. We are powerless over anyone except ourelves. So take extra special care of yourself and know that you are a lovable person worthy of respect.
I'd lend you my tiara, but it seems to have got wrapped around my halo.
So instead I send hugs and prayers, and just want you to know that we care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello Sunshine!
You will not have to borrow anyones tiara because you already have one of your very own! Ann is so cute, her tiara being wrapped around her halo. She truley is a Angel! A Queen Angel!
You are a Queen too Sunshine! You just need to start treating yourself like one. If no one else does then you are in charge!
Focus on YOU! Don't let his bad behavior get you down! Ann and Lyn are "right on" with advice. Listen to them and do something special for yourself today. Everyday would be good.
All the best,
matters
You will not have to borrow anyones tiara because you already have one of your very own! Ann is so cute, her tiara being wrapped around her halo. She truley is a Angel! A Queen Angel!
You are a Queen too Sunshine! You just need to start treating yourself like one. If no one else does then you are in charge!
Focus on YOU! Don't let his bad behavior get you down! Ann and Lyn are "right on" with advice. Listen to them and do something special for yourself today. Everyday would be good.
All the best,
matters
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sorry but I have to play bad guy here. If that was my husband he wouldn't know what hit him. It is abusive as Ann said...nicely. Whether he has done anything with this woman or not he is cheating on you emotionally. And he is stomping on your feelings in the process....deliberately.
You can't change another's behavior...true. But can make a choice of what you will and will not accept in your life. I am not saying pack your bags...or his. Have you been to Alanon? It is amazing what can happen when we build our own self esteem.
You are giving him waaay too much power!
Hugs,
JT
You can't change another's behavior...true. But can make a choice of what you will and will not accept in your life. I am not saying pack your bags...or his. Have you been to Alanon? It is amazing what can happen when we build our own self esteem.
You are giving him waaay too much power!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 24
((((((((HUGS))))))))
You guys are right..... I do need to start putting me first...Im trying but it's so hard....I started to not react so much, god, what a fight I have with myself....but Im doing it.....or atleast trying to do it...
I just have to remind myslef that I'll be ok no matter what happens.......
Im so glad I found this place, you guys are great!!!!
You guys are right..... I do need to start putting me first...Im trying but it's so hard....I started to not react so much, god, what a fight I have with myself....but Im doing it.....or atleast trying to do it...
I just have to remind myslef that I'll be ok no matter what happens.......
Im so glad I found this place, you guys are great!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Sunshine
I was reading your post tonight and like to say something.........I understand how it can feel however try to control your jelous feelings and remember you are the star here! Never fear another woman! You are the best of the best there is! The more you make out of it the more you will look weak and needy. Remember you worth so much more. Ignore it totally and work on your selfesteem a little. Take care of YOU! Remember this, if another woman can take him from you, he is not worth keeping! You are a catch for any man and you are beautiful! DO NOT LET THIS THROW YOU OFF! If you don't trust him, you don't have a relationship, than leave! I may sound harsh but it is high time that we women speak up and show them and the rest of the world what we made of. I don't mean that in a bitchy arrogant way but in a very respectful way. Concentrate on you no matter what! Much love!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Sunshine:
Wow, this is amazing how similar all of our stories are.
I too have problems with being distracted by my husband's phone friend. In my case, it's his old girlfriend from high school. How old is my husband? 63!! Yep, you got it. When I (his wife) get serious about wanting to get alcohol out of the house, his response is to get on the phone and track down a woman he hasn't seen in 40 years!!! Is that childish or what?
Even stupidier is that I have been letting it eat at me. Checking the phone bills, etc. I finally realized that he's playing games with both of us.... getting emotional needs fullfilled just like using alcohol.
Prettywoman is right. We need to invest in relationships that build us up, not tear us down.
Take care & take control of your life,
EyesOpen.
Wow, this is amazing how similar all of our stories are.
I too have problems with being distracted by my husband's phone friend. In my case, it's his old girlfriend from high school. How old is my husband? 63!! Yep, you got it. When I (his wife) get serious about wanting to get alcohol out of the house, his response is to get on the phone and track down a woman he hasn't seen in 40 years!!! Is that childish or what?
Even stupidier is that I have been letting it eat at me. Checking the phone bills, etc. I finally realized that he's playing games with both of us.... getting emotional needs fullfilled just like using alcohol.
Prettywoman is right. We need to invest in relationships that build us up, not tear us down.
Take care & take control of your life,
EyesOpen.
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hello......
When I first found out he was chasing other girls online after I had left him it really got to me for a while. Than I found out he is obsessed with some 19 year old in another state and it really started to eat on me for a while..................than a light bulb came on in my head and I said to myself "so what!!!! let him chase all the females he wants" I am a catch! I am beautiful inside and out!! and I have it going on and I LET GO! I prayed and gave it ALL to God! Now, I feel great! I can care less what he does and with whom, you know why? because I was the best he ever had and ever will have! Now I found out through a friend that is particular girl ( which he told me over the phone was his soul mate and he wanted to marry her after chating with her for 2 month ) in another state got on to him and does not want to have a thing to do with him! Like I said......Ladies.....LET GO AND LET GOD! and know that you are THE BEST! What goes around comes around threefold because God does not like lies.
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
Hi Sunshine
Just wanted to add ditto to JT and live. My ex put me thru it for years. There were a lot of towns my ex worked at on a regular basis and always at least one woman he kept in contact with from each. He loved to come home and tell me about thier talks full of sexual innuendos and how they all threw themselves at him. Some of them even coming to his hotel room to drink and try to seduce him - but of course he never gave in, he was happily married????????
Keep you chin up, your tiara on your head and your sceptre in your hand. You don't deserve that kind of disrespect!!
HUGS
Mysty
Just wanted to add ditto to JT and live. My ex put me thru it for years. There were a lot of towns my ex worked at on a regular basis and always at least one woman he kept in contact with from each. He loved to come home and tell me about thier talks full of sexual innuendos and how they all threw themselves at him. Some of them even coming to his hotel room to drink and try to seduce him - but of course he never gave in, he was happily married????????
Keep you chin up, your tiara on your head and your sceptre in your hand. You don't deserve that kind of disrespect!!
HUGS
Mysty
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
AAAggghhhh!
MistyDreamer:
Thanks for sharing.
There is this infuriating tendency for them to solicit complements from people, sexual or otherwise, and then run home to tell us about it. Like as if I'm Mommy or something.
It's infuriating when it happens ... but seeing that it's part of the pattern of dependency calms me. In the light of day, it really is pretty sad and pathetic. Makes it easier to let it go.
Thanks for sharing.
There is this infuriating tendency for them to solicit complements from people, sexual or otherwise, and then run home to tell us about it. Like as if I'm Mommy or something.
It's infuriating when it happens ... but seeing that it's part of the pattern of dependency calms me. In the light of day, it really is pretty sad and pathetic. Makes it easier to let it go.
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