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Old 05-13-2003, 07:51 AM
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developments.....

Last night when I arrived home at 7pm my husband was not home, no dinner, the same routine. He came in about 7:30 pm and he was very belligerant. He kept saying nasty things and trying to get a rise out of me.

I felt very calm, not even tempted to argue with him or even speak to him. By 7:45 I was on my way to an Alanon meeting.

This morning before I left he asked me for a hug. I said that I am surprised that you want to hug me this morning after last night. He said, you mean because I was annoyed? I said well you were very nasty. The whole time I was very calm. I said it is obvious to me that you are very unhappy. And so am I. I said that I may said or done some things to make the situation worse over the years and to make you feel that you are not valued. I am sorry for that. But the you are not happy in this situation and neither am I and we both deserve to be happy. So maybe you should consider taking money out of your retirement account, getting a trailer for the motorcycle and going down to Fla. He said there is not much money there. I said enough for you to get a trailer and start over somewhere else. I said that I love you and I know you love me, but we are both not happy and I don't see that changing if we stay together. I told him that I think that one of the reasons he stays in this situation is because he knows that I love him and that I need him in some way. I said maybe in spite of the need we have for one another we should separate. I told him I am not angry with you but you are not stuck here. You are a healthy person and you can start over and build a life where you can be happy. And so can I. I said we shouldn't do anything until after our son's graduation (June 2). But maybe we should do something after that. And then I left.

Truely I didn't say this to get any reaction from him, or to make him change in any way. I just felt I wanted to acknowledge how unhappy we both are maybe it is time to just give up.

When I start to think like "do I really want to do this? or won't I feel so alone? I just cut off the thoughts and tell myself not now, I have been mired in those thoughts for so many years. You can't ensure happiness, you can't make just the right decision every time. Sometimes you just have to wing it and hope for the best.

So I gave no ulitmatiums, threats, or time table. Just a suggestion that maybe it is time to split. Thanks for listening.
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:11 AM
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((((Rose)))))
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:38 AM
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((((((((Rose))))))))))

and more hugs. That took a lot of guts to say that. It was very well worded, in no way confrontational. You did well.

Lyn
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:41 AM
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(((((Rose))))) Wow - what a way to show your recovery! You are my hero today! I'm don't mean to say that you're jumping for joy at the thought of your marriage coming to an end, but what I hear in your post is that this is ultimately about you. Although you know that it involves both of you, you sound like you are now putting yourself first. I'm so proud of you!

Love and hugs.
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:47 AM
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****{Rose}}}

Just wanted to send you some hugs. I know how difficult that must have been but I am glad to see you are thinking of you.

Know that I am thinking of you today, and I hope things work out for you.

Many hugs.
Love,
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Old 05-13-2003, 12:17 PM
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****************************{ROSE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


What courage!!!



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Old 05-13-2003, 12:56 PM
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Rose, you amaze me!!! You handled that beautifully and expressed your feelings completely and appropriately.

Who has the Tiara??? I think Rose is Queen for this day.:king:
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Old 05-13-2003, 01:15 PM
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Old 05-13-2003, 01:37 PM
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Thanks friends, for your encouragement! Boy am I walking tall today with my tiara!!! And now I will take my tiara to the Y, do you think the other exercisers will notice? LOL!
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Old 05-13-2003, 01:46 PM
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Wear it proudly Rose! You have earned it!

They are just going to ask where they can get one at the Y.

Have a good day!
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Old 05-13-2003, 02:02 PM
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(((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))
WAY TO GO!!!! You did a great job of putting your needs first. Clear, concise and and non-threatening, just laid it down the way it is.

WOW.. look at that tiara glow! But it doesn't shine nearly as bright as the wonderful person wearing it!!!

Lots of Hugs,
Mysty
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Old 05-13-2003, 03:43 PM
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Way to go Rose!

You expressed exactly what is going on in your heart. I'm cheering for you (I borrowed the Dinotar's pom poms). Wear that tiara proudly honey, you deserve it.
Peace,
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Old 05-13-2003, 03:46 PM
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(((((((((Rose))))))))

I was very moved by your post and the things you said to your husband. My goodness, it's an awesome thing to see how well recovery can work!!!! You most definitely are my hero today too - and you keep wearing that tiara tall and proud!

Hugs,
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Old 05-13-2003, 06:34 PM
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Rose! Awesome!!!

And I bet your HP was right there next to you! These things happen and it almost like an out of body experience. But we all know where it comes from! Hard work!

You are my hero!
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:24 PM
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Rose,

Hi, I'm new here, and don't know your whole story.... but your conversation with your husband sounds SOOOOOO similar to events in my home last week. Especially the sentence " I said that I love you and I know you love me, but we are both not happy and I don't see that changing if we stay together." Boy! Are we living in parallel universes or what!

We go through so much inner turmoil, going in circles trying to deal with the impossible situation of living with alcohol. I used to envision myself as a squirrel running back & forth on the road, trying to avoid getting run over, but not sure which way to turn.

Until one day the truth just bubbles up from deep down inside. And, when the truth finally spoken, an amazing calm comes over the whole situation.

My best to you... keeping seeking the truth and you'll know which path to take from here.

Hugs,
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:08 PM
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Rose,

Well honey, I'm so proud of you I'm about to bust!...

Now c'mere and give me that Tiara. NO, I'm not wanting to wear it. I'm gonna hot glue some elastic, you know, that will run under you chin. That was you can go to the Y sporting your tiara and not worry one bit about it falling off. Or we could hot glue it to your head. Your choice......

You go, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep doing the next best thing for YOU!!!!!!!

Love,

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Old 05-13-2003, 09:20 PM
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I hope what ever happens that you feel very good about yourself and the growth you have achieved in your recovery. I hope everything works out for the best for you Rose.
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Old 05-14-2003, 06:26 AM
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Thanks friends for your encouragement!

EyesOpen - I love your analogy about the squirrel! That is just how it feels!

Yesterday in the mid afternoon my husband called me and the conversation went like this:
Hubby:I am just about packed up and ready to go.
Rose: sure you are.
Hubby:well you want me to leave.
Rose:that is not what I said.
Hubby:Then I will stay.
Roseno response)

I have to laugh, because even when I think I am being so clear when I communicate, he doesn't hear me. He doesn't hear what he doesn't want to hear. But that is ok, as long as I know where I stand, that is the important thing. Oh and did I mention that he was in his usual state when I arrived home last night?

Happy 44th Birthday Rose! I am so happy to share another birthday with you all!!!
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Old 05-14-2003, 07:01 AM
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Don't be offended.....but I HAD to laugh over that phone exchange!!

He's not going to take any responsibility is he???
Just a victim of your Highness!!

Poor, poor pitiful me.

I know it really is sad.
But that sceptre is not a magic wand...

And as you know, he has choices even if he refuses to acknowledge that possibility.

How are YOU???

best wishes,
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Old 05-14-2003, 08:25 AM
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Happy Birthday!

Is it really your birthday Rose? Sorry I missed it! Hope you have a really great day--despite "things" as they are!

Sending lots of love & hugs!

Lyn

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