venusinlibra

Just a question, or need members to share in their experience. I have been working my Alanon program for over 45 days now. I am on the 4th step, go to meetings twice a week, speak to my sponsor almost everyday, and I actually feel pretty good.

My ABF has been sober 90 days and lately he is constantly criticizing my program. First he will accuse me of not working the program (I am), or he will make fun of us "codies", or if someone compliments me saying I look lighter and happier, he accuses me of only going when I feel good, etc.

He has been extremely moody lately and nothing I do is good enough. Whether it is cleaning, driving, etc. I have gotten to the point where I can ignore his unkind remarks and it almost feels like he is trying to pick a fight. The program is working for me, so I no longer engage in toxic behaviour.

Is this a faze? Sometime it feels like I am getting better and he is not. Or he doesn't want me to be healthy? Any stories to share would be helpful. Thanks.

splendra

Hey there-

I have not ever been in a relationship with someone who is actually in recovery but, I am sure that it could be a lot like hell going through it with them....

My brother is in recovery from crack and alcohol he and his wife are both in recovery and they have been thru hell....after about 2 years it looks like they may be coming out on the other side. My brother relaped several times and has been clean for about 4 months this time.

My advise is keep the focus on yourself not him...

liesagain

mine is in rehab............and I only have SR as my recovery and really do know I should have more but then again I really dont feel up to looking at myself right now..........sad but true. So I'm proud of you for working on yourself try not to let him make you feel bad about you...........the whole addiction thing does that enough ( at least it does for me)

Lovestoomuch

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that sort of behavior. It's just my opinion, but sober or not, a jerk is a jerk and your ABF sounds like he's acting like one. If they put more energy into recovering themselves rather than in breaking us down we'd probably see a change for the better.

It does seem as though you probably are getting better and he is not, but remember one thing. What they say to us, the critisizing and nit picking is just a reflection of themselves and how they feel. Clean time does not constitute recovery IMO.

You just keep moving forward honey and don't look back. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or leave, it does get better when we get better. All said with love.
Hugs
Kris

mooselips

IMO, I think when we start going to meetings, if makes them insecure. We're getting stronger, and they're afraid they'll lose their soft place to fall, since we're in recovery and educating ourselves.

Just my thoughts.

dollydo

He doesn't want you to get stronger or well. If you do, he loses his power over you.

So, he is picking on you, to change your direction. It's a ploy, manipulation at it's finest.

Keep your recovery in place, let the chips fall where they may.

venusinlibra

Thanks everyone. I know this is true. I find the experience to be so strange. I knew him for several years before we got in a relationship. I never realized who he really was. He comes across as a very confident, kinda arrogant guy. In reality, he is a scared little boy that borders on being a bully.

I am standing my ground, focusing on myself, being strong, and not allowing myself to fall for the little ploys to engage me in an argument. I don't understand why I am the one he is so mean to sometimes, when I have helped him the most. I am probably the best friend he has.

Oh well, back to focusing on me, and moving forward. Each day is a new day. Thanks for the support.

laurie6781

He is trying to pick a fight. Sounds like he is setting himself up so he can go use some more, and blame you.

Exactly. You are working your program and growing and changing. He is just going through the motions, thus your growth scares the chit out of him..

I am glad you are finding was to ignore his spiteful words. Your recocvery is shining.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Guinevere

LTM's statement is simple, but profound!! I really had not thought much about the distinction between recovery and "being clean." Recovery is the process that goes along with living a life free of drugs and I guess it includes learning to love oneself.

Venus asked, "Does it get better?" I think we get better if we work our program. I am still taking baby steps along my road to recovery. It is still very difficult for me to think that my AS will be on the street soon without my intervention/interference. Those of us who love the addicts in our lives have much to learn about ourselves in order to get better.

A part of recovery is having understanding friends who listen. You are in company of compassionate people with a broad range of experiences here at SR.

Venus, I pray that life gets better for you.

Spiritual Seeker

Because you are workin' it you're able to see his "stuff" for what it is and not get into old patterns. GOOD 4 U

venusinlibra

Yes, it is a roller coaster. I long and pray for serenity. The last few weeks I have had it, although there are many fires I am putting out around me. I think I am mastering the first step of acceptance. It helps me not to obsess too much on the problem.

My guy, I really love him...but he makes it very difficult at times to want to stay in the relationship. I feel like I am constantly being tested when it comes to my love, commitment, etc. He will say hurtful things to push my buttons.

I am going to start going to more meetings...I have been going to one a week. I think it is time to bump it up to two. Thanks for all your support. Today, is a better day.