Now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Now what?
AH came to get the kids today. I avoided him when he was here, for the most part, because I don't know how he'll behave towards me. He seemed very positive and upbeat, unlike Thursday when he was here and looked like death warmed over. I didn't notice any of the "signs", so off he took the kids to the park and bowling.
Just found out from my daughter (12 yo) that he drank at the bowling alley. They start serving at one, so between 1:00 and approximately 2:20 he had two beers, while the kids were in his custody. Evidently when he ordered the beer, he felt the need to tell my daughter that he"was a grown man and could have a couple of beers if he wanted". My daughter was taken aback as she hadn't said anything to him about the drinking. She felt guilty about telling me her dad drank, but knew he wasn't supposed to drink around her and my son. (my son doesn't get involved).
I'm not going to bring this up to AH now, as I don't want him taking it out on my daughter, and as we are quite close to divorce. Once the papers are signed I'll be able to withhold visitation as I see fit. Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, because he will just tell everyone I'm nuts and that a couple of beers is nothing for him.
Did I mention he only had the kids three hours? Guess I couldn't expect him to go that long without drinking. He did tell my daughter he's "cut way back" since he left us and "only drinks a couple" after work. Hmmmm. And I have a bridge to sell you all..
Saddest part is that I was out because he brought the kids back early. He could've stayed and spent time with the kids til I got back, but he chose to tell them to "lock the doors" and he left. (My son is 14, though, so at least they're babies ) It's just so sad he couldn't take the opportunity to spend time here with the kids...he complains because I won't let them visit the house he's staying at, as it's the home of a drug dealer, complains it costs him too much money to take them out.
Pray for us ~ we'll be moving in the next few weeks, and the divorce papers should hopefully be signed by the end of June. Maybe I'll feel like I have more contrl then...
Just found out from my daughter (12 yo) that he drank at the bowling alley. They start serving at one, so between 1:00 and approximately 2:20 he had two beers, while the kids were in his custody. Evidently when he ordered the beer, he felt the need to tell my daughter that he"was a grown man and could have a couple of beers if he wanted". My daughter was taken aback as she hadn't said anything to him about the drinking. She felt guilty about telling me her dad drank, but knew he wasn't supposed to drink around her and my son. (my son doesn't get involved).
I'm not going to bring this up to AH now, as I don't want him taking it out on my daughter, and as we are quite close to divorce. Once the papers are signed I'll be able to withhold visitation as I see fit. Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, because he will just tell everyone I'm nuts and that a couple of beers is nothing for him.
Did I mention he only had the kids three hours? Guess I couldn't expect him to go that long without drinking. He did tell my daughter he's "cut way back" since he left us and "only drinks a couple" after work. Hmmmm. And I have a bridge to sell you all..
Saddest part is that I was out because he brought the kids back early. He could've stayed and spent time with the kids til I got back, but he chose to tell them to "lock the doors" and he left. (My son is 14, though, so at least they're babies ) It's just so sad he couldn't take the opportunity to spend time here with the kids...he complains because I won't let them visit the house he's staying at, as it's the home of a drug dealer, complains it costs him too much money to take them out.
Pray for us ~ we'll be moving in the next few weeks, and the divorce papers should hopefully be signed by the end of June. Maybe I'll feel like I have more contrl then...
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Ugh. I remember going bowling with my ex when we had his son to stay. It was in the middle of the afternoon, and I caught him throwng back a double scotch as I came back from the loo. I mean, come on!!!
I don't know what to say, hon. All I know is that the drinking I saw my ex doing was only the tip of the iceberg. Can you go for supervised visitation?
I don't know what to say, hon. All I know is that the drinking I saw my ex doing was only the tip of the iceberg. Can you go for supervised visitation?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
That will probably happen down the line, but we are hoping that his interest in the kids will wane as time goes on. (He's pretty much just going through the motions now to prove what a great guy he is..he never bothered with the kids when he lived with us.) I'm trying to avoid dragging out the divorce by not fighting visitation. He has no DUI's, so it would be a nasty time dragging in witnesses to his drinking/drugging. But if he goes too far, I'll have no choice.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
It is so sad when they will spend time and money taking care of themselves and not their own kids. I know that is one of the things that can hurt the most. It is especially demoralizing when the can't stay away from alcohol for even a short while when the have the opportunity to spend time with their kids as well. It is just another eye opener as to how sick and distorted their priorities become.
Sounds like you are making some postive steps. Hope all works out for the best with the divorce and move ... and that your family's future will be more secure and peaceful.
Sounds like you are making some postive steps. Hope all works out for the best with the divorce and move ... and that your family's future will be more secure and peaceful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
My cousin is a real estate agent in Philly and she's getting a couple local agents for me to hook up with so we can get the house sold. I can't wait to be out so I know he won't show up at the door in whatever condition the day brings. He's also told my daughter that he's planning to move to FL this winter, so I have my fingers crossed this is true...at least the kids won't be around him.
Thanks so much for everyone's support! Sometimes I think I might go mad dealing with the substance/alcohol. I'm very logical by nature, and find it so against my nature to try and "get" him. (Like that's possible!) It's a blessing to be able to vent here, to those who understand, so that when I deal with AH I can just agree with everything he says benignly,since I've gotten all my anger/confusion/worry out here!!!! (At least until the next curveball his addictions throw me!!!
)
Thanks so much for everyone's support! Sometimes I think I might go mad dealing with the substance/alcohol. I'm very logical by nature, and find it so against my nature to try and "get" him. (Like that's possible!) It's a blessing to be able to vent here, to those who understand, so that when I deal with AH I can just agree with everything he says benignly,since I've gotten all my anger/confusion/worry out here!!!! (At least until the next curveball his addictions throw me!!!
)
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Getting in car with drinking dad is not okay.
Drinking + driving with kids is not acceptable. Teach your kids to refuse to get in car with dad when he's had even one drink (cuz that doesn't mean it was the 1st of the day) and to call you for ride home. You must teach this lesson! They are teens and if they don't learn it from you (dad is incapable) they'll get in cars with drinking friends or selves and drive. See the big picture here. kids learn by example You must teach then what is acceptable.
Drinking + driving with kids is not acceptable. Teach your kids to refuse to get in car with dad when he's had even one drink (cuz that doesn't mean it was the 1st of the day) and to call you for ride home. You must teach this lesson! They are teens and if they don't learn it from you (dad is incapable) they'll get in cars with drinking friends or selves and drive. See the big picture here. kids learn by example You must teach then what is acceptable.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 30
Ummm...did I write this in my sleep? I could have seriously changed a few of the minor details, and this could have been my post! Unbelievable! I am going to add you to my buddylist guinea,so I can keep up to date on what's happening with your situation, as I seem to be going through the same thing! (if thats OK with you)
Good luck!
Good luck!
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