queenteree

Hi All,
Don't know if you all remember me, but AH went to rehab last Saturday. After dropping him off, I drove home (about a 4 hour drive). Anyway, after 5 days of me having a mega OCD episode (I get that under times of stress), missing him, etc., him calling me 2 to 3 times a day and being really sweet, I realized after our conversation tonite (I am going up to visit him tomorrow) that I really don't know if I have what it takes to make this relationship work when he gets home. I mean, when you think about it, he has created chaos and stress in my life for three years now since his relapse (even though we had over 14 years sober and stress free), now he's up at rehab, getting his act together, meeting new friends, taking walks and "clearing his head" (even though they do intense meetings and group sessions), I am here, manning the fort so to speak, working full time every day, taking on his responsibilities plus my own, watching grandkids, etc. When will I get my break to "clear my head"? I had to deal with my OCD issue on my own, have an inflammed sternum again due to stress, and now when he gets home, he is planning on going to AA meetings (which is great) and getting together with all of his newfound "rehab" buddies, and what - am I supposed to now revolve my life around Alanon? Sorry, but that isn't me. I work on me, I get therapy once a week to deal with these issues, and I am starting therapy for my OCD. OK - the rest of the time work and watch grandkids? And you know what, I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. After all the lies and it being about "him" all thru these drinking years, what will it be like when he's sober? All about "him" and his "recovery"? And I hate to say it, and I may be wrong and offend some, but if you meet your new "friends" in rehab it is because they have addiction problems that they are fighting all the time too. I can see AA, go to meetings, etc., but the way I chose friends are people that I have things in common with such as family values, morals, etc. I mean, what if these "friends" are chronic relapsers, what if they are people that cheated on their spouses, etc. And like I said, after all the lies thru the years, you think I'd really trust him to tell me the truth? I hardly know him anymore anyway. And, before you give me your opinions, just remember, I am the wife who left him many years ago (before we were married) when he was drinking, he went to rehab and got his act together, went to AA and we had 14 great years. But I wasn't as informed as I am now about this disease and I never even had the thought of him relapsing in my mind. And during all those years, he hung out with his friends because none of his friends drink at all. So why all of a sudden now, he makes new "friends" in rehab to do things with? Just sounds a little shady to me and I really don't know if I want to be bothered with all this crap anymore. Thanks for listening, and any input is appreciated.

prodigal

I've seen how closely people bond when they're literally living together in a rehab facility for 28 days. These people sit in meetings and spill their guts to one another. They also support one another. Just my opinion, but I don't think there's any better person for a recovering addict to hang out with than other recovering addicts, particularly ones who have a lot of recovery under their belts.

It sounds as if he's serious about this, and if so he'll be hanging out a lot with AA people, his sponsor and the friends he makes in rehab. Just as I look to another codie to support me when I'm having a moment of weakness, so the addict seeks out others who understand precisely what he's going through.

Well, if Al-anon isn't for you I suppose you'll have to work through all the feelings you have with your counselor. Al-anon worked for me because I was in a room full of people who had been exposed to the "alcoholic experience" and understood what I was talking about. I made some great friends there and they came through for me big-time when I was going through some pretty terrible stuff with AH.

If you don't want to be bothered with the crap anymore, then you have to decide for yourself if you just don't have any more to give and want to throw in the towel. I can certainly understand your frustration, having lived with the lunacy of alcoholism waaayyyy too long myself.

I don't know if you ever gave Al-anon a try, gave it a try and didn't like it, or just decided you didn't want to try it. As I said, you'll have to work on your issues with your counselor. I sincerely hope that works for you.

harleygirl92156

I remember feeling EXACTLY this way. I was sooo very angry. He went away for what I saw as a vacation to get sober while I was at home, dealing with everything and trying to pay bills on one income when it was a struggle to pay them on two. I had a huge burden dumped on me while he got to go away and not be burdened with anything but getting sober which was easy seeing he was in a treatment center.
I remember the anger, helplessness, loneliness and pain. I remember thinking "when he gets out I am leaving for 35 days and he can do what I am and he will fail".......of course I wanted him to fail just to be able to say "see, you couldn't hack it like I did".....martyr to the MAX!!!!
Then he came home and I thought everything would be better, wellll.........that is a joke. He was home more, 99% more when he was drinking. He did the 90 meetings in 90 days so I spent not only the 35 days he was in rehab doing everything on my own, I got to spend the next 90 days doing it as well. I worked 8-5 came home, got supper, and he left for AA meeting around 6:30 and got home just in time for bed. I was alone every evening and most weekends. When we did have time together we fought. I remember watching a moving where the woman said "I wish he would just start drinking again because I could handle that, I can't handle this." I thought she was nuts, but about 60 days into the whole ordeal, I thought the same thing!! Is that insane or what!!!!
Anyway, my point is, it will get better if you hang in there. Somewhere along the line someone suggested I not make any decisions about the relationship for ONE year. I thought ok, I can take one more year, I have been 15 years in this hell I can handle one more. I just went about my business, attended alanon, read, searched the internet, VENTED on here and waited for the year to pass. About nine months in, THE MIRACLE happened. I saw him begin to change, I saw me starting to be important to him, I felt him beginning to nurture me. I fought it, shut it out, but he kept going and it kept growing, he wouldn't give up, he was consistant and his actions, not his words became very important. If I had done what I felt like doing in the beginning, I wouldn't have the wonderful relationship I have today, if I had given up too soon, I would not have what I have today and what I have I am very grateful for.
DON'T WALK AWAY BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!

I give you the advice I was given, give it one year and then assess the relationship again at that time. Ride the waves of the first year and then you will be more prepared to make the decision that is best for you. It is just a suggestion and I pass it along simply because it worked for me......TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST.
Good luck, I feel sad for you because I know exactly how you feel right now, been there, done that and it is not fun!! Don't try and do it alone, find someone, if not alanon, counseling or something..........
God Bless you, your family and your A in recovery. I will remember you in my prayers.

newenglandgirl

Wowzer HarleyGirl - great post. Thank you. Super inspiring.

Hello there Queentree....yes, of course, I remember you...silly rabbit...good to hear from you.

I've never been in the situation you are in right now...so I don't really have any words of wisdom.

Sounds like he's truly working on him. And this is your time to work on you. The resentment you have is so understandable.

queenteree

Thanks Prodigal, Harleygirl and newenglandgirl for your insightful posts. Harleygirl, I will do as you suggested and wait the year, like you said, I have put up with this for this long, I can give it one more year. But you see, many years ago, when he went to rehab and got sober, we did not live together right away when he got back (we weren't married then), and yes, he went to AA but he still always wanted to do things with me and the kids (now grown) like go to the beach, me and him went out once a week, did things during the week in the summer after AA meetings, etc. He wanted (in his words) to be the husband and father we all deserved. His mindset is different now. I've known him 23 years, and it seems now he is all about "him". He's not saying to me when he gets out we should do this or that and make up for lost time that was spent by me sitting alone home while he was upstairs drinking and passed out. It's all about what "he's" going to do. And you know what, if that works for him, great. All I ever wanted was for him to be sober because he does truly deserve that (he's a very good man, even when he was drunk), and so I guess I do have to be happy for that. It's just sometimes I wonder where I fit into the equation, since I really have been lonely for the sober husband for quite some time now. But I will start doing for me, start going to my classes that I was planning on taking, and maybe making new friends myself, like join a club or something. And, if in a year, it doesn't work, at least we found out who we are and what we want and can proceed with clear heads from there. I'm leaving to drive 4 hours away to see him now (then driving 4 hours home again), so wish me luck. Talk to you guys soon. Thanks for everything. And if anyone else wants to give me insight, I'll be back on tonite when I get home.

ritabee

I was so happy when mine went to rehab. I was happy that he was THERE. I was not happy that he would eventually be coming HOME. I spent the last week of his 3 week rehab with my stomach in knots. I saw so many changes in his attitude in that short time and he seemed like he was "getting it". I dreaded his homecoming because it was Christmas and because I just couldn't trust his will to be sober.

I would have given anything if he had gone to 90 meetings in 90 days but the night he got out of rehab we went together to an open meeting. He took me home and he went to his place and drank. I would have loved it if he had friends in recovery but he spent 3 months taking a computer course (great) but spent EVERY evening doing homework compulsively. He got 40 lessons ahead of the rest of the class by doing the work at home. I wish he had been as compulsive about sobriety as he was about his school work. Of course being compulsive about ANYTHING was a red flag for me and it should have been for him too. He was struggling to stay sober but losing the battle.

He didn't get a sponsor but did attend the aftercare meetings from the rehab. Then he would come home and pick apart the counselor running the meetings. Whenever she had said something that hit close to home he argued that all things didn't apply to "everyone" ...meaning HIM.

He refused to sit and watch Dr. Phil with me (LOL...everything Dr. Phil says hits too close to home for him).

And from experience, I wouldn't worry about him hanging around with people who might relapse because the relapsers won't want to hang around with the ones working on recovery. The ones who don't succeed will be back with their old drinking friends.

I understand it's hard to be put on the back burner but I would much rather be there because of recovery than because of drinking. Hang in there queenteree.

WhatAboutME

queentree, I am going through the same feelings right now as well. My AH has just entered a 30 day program and he's already talking about coming home, etc. (He has not been living with me for almost 2 months now). I really don't know what to think. A part of me feels like I've been getting alone just fine without him for the past couple of months, why go back? Why take the chance of another relapse (this one has lasted over 4 years!)? Why derail the progress that I've made for me?

I have alot to think about while he's away. I personally don't have another year to give him as a "trial" period. I've given him almost 10, I'm about to turn 36 in June...It's now or never, whether it be my marriage to him or moving on. A year is a long time. To even think what could be accomplished in a year's time...

I have to decide. I'm either dedicted to this marriage for the long-run, and that includes all that comes along with having a relationship with an alcoholic, including the very real probability of relapse/s, or I begin an entirely new life without alcoholism hanging over my head. I guess I have no real advice for you, I'm just as confused, frustrated, mad, overwhelmed, etc. as you. How about a (((HUG))) instead?

LGLG07

Wow .. I love this post .. I can so relate to you QT , I feel the same way about my ah right now !
And Whataboutme...we seem to be in the same boat as well .. When ah is in rehab , Im happy . I go out with the kids , I know where he is and I dont worry about whether or not he is drinking . The day he gets out the knots start again! We have
been living seperately for almost two months now as well .
QT , I feel left out also . I cant help but think ,'when is it gonna be MY time?'

***Harleygirl*** I read your post and cried .. it hit home on so many levels . I just posted a thread about how frustrated I was with my ah and when I read your words they just jumped out at me . Talk about being at the right place at the right time , theres a reason I am on today , thats for sure . I was once told that advice as well , probably on SR , to wait a year before any decisions are made about the relationship and I had completely forgotten about it . Thanks to Qt for starting this thread and to you Harley for posting , I will not give up and I will wait for my Miracle for the next year ..if it comes it comes , if not , I will be in a better place where I will be able to see with 20/20 vision and move on .

BIG BIG (((())))S to all of you !!
Lots of luck QT , you will be in my prayers !
M

LGLG07

oh and whataboutme .. a little ot but my birthday is also in june , turning 39 this year . time to make some changes , i'll be 40 next year and its gonna be good !

venusinlibra

I have been struggling with my ABF recovery as well. Right now it is all about him, in fact it has been from the beginning of our relationship. I have a sponsor, attend meetings, and I am slowly learning to say no. I don't have to do something if I don't feel like it, my world doesn't have to revolve around him, and it is okay to put me first. It is a slow process, but I think the one year before you make a decision is a good one. You will have your ups and downs, meetings will help, this forum will help, and in one year...you will be a better person.

ebv

Sit down and make a list of "things I love about him" and another list, "things I hate about him" which ever column has the most could be your answer.
good luck

harleygirl92156

Just remember the miracle I speak of is not a bright shining thing that is easy to see, you must watch for ALL the little things that make up the HUGE miracle.

Hubby has been sober 2.5 years now and those little things still happen on a daily basis. If I wasn't watching and paying attention or had my mind blocked to them (which I did for awhile) I would be missing them.

The miracle to me was a man who worked very very hard to change and show me it wasn't just a manipulation tactic, that is was a true change he was making for the long term. I didn't believe it (been conditioned not to) but he continued, held fast, put up with me, comforted me, consoled me, apologized to me, talked to me, LISTENED to me, showed compassion, regret, remorse, went to AA faithfully, talked about spirituality, the steps, and his program. No matter how much anger I spewed at him, he stood strong, valitdated it and kept working on the changes he vowed to make. When I opened my eyes and my heart, (with the help of Alanon) I was able to see the small things that when put together added up to the miracle.

I just wanted to be sure no one is looking for a huge without a doubt miracle.............the miracle is many small things put together and when you are able to see it and put it together, it is a wonderful thing.
I pray the miracle happens for each and everyone of you and that when it does you are able and open to seeing it.
God Bless

harleygirl92156

I have done that.........but in the first year, that list could change from day to day, no hour to hour, actually sometimes minute to minute.............LOL

queenteree

The visit went nice yesterday. He is in a very nice place, a farm like atmosphere, very very relaxing and great views. We took walks and talked, and he was telling me about how he is an alcoholic and that he does buy the concept now of it being a disease (he used to say it was a matter of willpower). He's re-learning the slogans (one's too many and 30 isn't enough, etc.). He's a little depressed on why "he" has this disease, but I told him it's the same as I'd feel if I had diabetes and could never have that peice of double chocolate layer cake again, but I'd get thru it somehow cause things could be worse. Anyway, I also told him that while I am so proud of him for doing this, I wasn't sure if I had what it takes to work the whole "recovery" thing. I told him that many years ago when he got sober, I wasn't as knowledgable about alcoholism and I never thought of relapse, just thought we'd live happily ever after. He promises that he's going to do this and it will be all good. I just don't see how when he gets out, he won't be stressed, especially about my 25 year old daughter, single mom of 2 kids, who is a nurse, but DOES NOT WORK!!!! She keeps saying she can't find a job, etc. My AH (or is is RH now?) bought her a brand new car two years ago so she would have a safe car with the kids on her promise that she was going to get a job and pay the payments. She has yet to make more than three of them in two years. We also have to pay her car insurance every month (cause if she drives uninsured and has an accident, we could be sued), plus buy food for her the her kids (cause she won't work!!!!). That absolutely kills my husband. We really don't have the money for that, so he will work extra to pay for it cause he feels stuck (the car payment is in his name). My son told me to get back the car and sell it cause she doesn't need a car if she doesn't work. Daughter told me and son that when AH gets out of rehab, he can come and try and get the car and deal with her (which will make him drink right then and there). I'm getting stressed over her creating stress (which she does to AH and me and rest of family all the time). Yesterday she asked me for $30 for medicine, I said I want a receipt, she yells and screams saying she's "sick and tired" of me asking for receipts and not trusting her. Do I trust her? Not as far as I can throw her. Any suggestions on this one? I just feel bad for AH cause she is going to screw with his recovery, I know it. She wants the drunk father who gives her money any time she asks!!!!(which is how he is when he's drinking). And in the meantime, he's up there getting his head straight, and I'm still here dealing with her and worrying about this stupid car payment thing that "he" created when he bought her that car on her word and against my better judgment.

As for my list of loves and hates about him, the only thing I can truly say I hate about him is his drinking. Other than that, we had a great relationship and were best friends.

denny57

Hey QT, sounds good and congratulations to your husband!

I agree with the idea to sell the car, but it's really up to him. Personally, I find it hard to believe a nurse can't find a job, but what do I know? From my personal files, I had an aunt with 11 children, one mentally handicapped. She was widowed at 39. Worked her whole life as a nurse and recently stopped at age 75 due to health reasons. Never remarried. She did for herself and the extended family helped out in many ways, but she never, and I mean never, looked for a handout. I learned a lot by watching her.

I hope you and your husband will have the space and time you need to get your life together back on track. You mentioned you don't care for Al-Anon - there are other support groups out there and I'd highly recommend that or some sort of one on one counseling. When I was making decisions that seemed so contrary to my norm, it really helped to have impartial third parties weighing in.

Take care - look forward to hearing how it all goes.

((()))

hope2bhappy

I know how you feel, QT. I felt exactly the same way. It took about two months after my AH got out of recovery before I was able to settle down my emotions and start feeling good. As far as his bonding with the folks in rehab... this is a good thing... even if they end up relapsing. Several of my AH's "alumni" from his stay at rehab have fallen. Some have gotten back on track, some have not. And... I think (for the alcoholic/addict) it IS all about them. Sobriety is a 24-7 battle and commitment. It will always be about them. But you can focus on yourself and the things in life that bring you happiness and joy, and then YOUR life will be all about YOU.

Hang in there. Sobriety is a wonderful thing. When one is afflicted with the disease of addicition, sobriety is a gift and a blessing.

queenteree

Hi All,
I've been talking to RH everyday since he's been in rehab. Today I suggested to him that when he gets individual therapy he should ask the counselor/therapist how to handle my daughter's situation without getting upset. He told me the therapist told him that me and him should go to marital counseling and fix our marriage first. He said he told the guy that we don't have problems and the therapist told him he wouldn't be there then. Anyway, we hung up, then a little while later I called him and told him that if we were going to have to do all this marital therapy and individual therapy stuff, that maybe we should just split up. He again said there's nothing wrong with our marriage and to not get myself upset, that the counselor said that since I was leaving him, we had problems. I was leaving him due to his drinking!!! I still don't feel comfortable with his whole attitude and this whole thing, especially now that our "marriage" needs fixing (most probably due to "me"). Maybe I should still get my ducks in order, get a place out east and forget this whole thing.
QT

denny57

QT, are YOU opposed to marriage therapy?

queenteree

No, what I am becoming opposed to is all this "therapy" crap. It is starting to grate on my nerves. I have been in therapy for a year and a half now, it helped me immensely not only in terms of detaching, but in all aspects of my life, even things such as my daughter with the stupid car payment. I told her yesterday if I don't have the car payment by June 24th, I am taking the car back and my son is willing to make the payments and keep the car (and my son is good for the money). End of conversation, all solved. I was originally frustrated cause RAH used to get me frustrated about it, but now that he's gone and I took a step back, I came up with a rational solution. My husband and I had a strong marriage, were best friends, never fought and got along great. He was the first one to admit that (sober or drunk). The only issue I had was with his drinking, which better not dare be blamed on me! I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, food shopping, everything. The only things he had to do was maintain the outside, swiffer the floor, clean the bathtub and pay the bills. For two years now, we have had a landscaper for outside work, he swiffers the floors, and pays the bills and I now do the bathtub. He fishes two to three nights a week, plays golf one night a week, comes home to his meal being cooked and can do basically whatever he wants. I don't mind it, don't complain about it and NEVER NAG HIM!!!! I want him to do whatever makes him happy. When raising the kids, we were always a team, always discussed everything and came to a solution. He was not there for me when my mother died (2 years ago), he was drunk as a skunk at her wake, caused me so much stress with drinking and driving, drinking at work, etc., yet I was and am willing to put it all behind me (I tend to get over things really quick when looking at the big picture and don't hold a grudge, I'm just brining these things up for illustrative purposes only). And now we have to "fix" our marriage!!!!! I don't want to live in the past, I want to live in the present and for the future and I don't want it all based on therapy, recovery, etc. When he got sober many years ago, we didn't have to go thru all this crap. We got back together, it was better than ever (even thru raising three kids, not an easy task), now suddenly we have to "fix" our marriage. How our marriage could have been fixed on my part is him stop drinking. If troubles in our marriage (or me) caused his drinking, then you know what, let him have his recovery and let me be. I'm tired of it all. I want NORMAL!!!!
QT

denny57

I hear you, QT. I wasn't thinking so much of "fixing" it. You know the situation best - and I agree, sometimes therapists can fit scenarios into cliches.

I'm glad you found a solution to the daughter/car thing.

I hope once your husband is out again you will find your way together; it does sound like you are the best of friends.