detachment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 8
detachment
I find 'detaching in love' so hard in practice - my AH says I now 'don't give s*** about our relationship' and that I'm cold and unloving. I've read the book 'Co-dependent no More' and Alanon literature on detachment but I can't seem to find peace in detaching from my AH - rather I just totally withdraw and say nothing (except functional stuff with the kids). This is the first time lately I've also withdrawn physically (which is probably why my AH is so put out).
I don't know if it all feels strange cause I'm usually such a people pleaser and martyr or if I'm doing it wrong.
Do people have advice or experiences to share on how to 'detach in love'?
I don't know if it all feels strange cause I'm usually such a people pleaser and martyr or if I'm doing it wrong.
Do people have advice or experiences to share on how to 'detach in love'?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Often we just have to detach at 1st before we learn to do it with love. For me I still love the person but I am not longer invested in fixing, controlling or being preoccupied with them.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: toronto
Posts: 13
I'm not sure if you saw this previous thread so I've reposted it, hope it helps;
Hi Grace, I believe that detaching is critical to our own self care and self healing. I also believe that I must set boundaries with my toxic family members and most importantly consequences. Actions speak louder than words. I can't respect myself otherwise. I also find that when people say or do things that bother me I try this... Mary when you said (fill in the blank) it made me feel (fill in the blank) This opens up the conversation, then if goes in a negative way, I will say, Mary if you continue to (fill in the blank) I will (fill in the blank). This is the way I set boundaries and consequences, not threats. I also make sure that I carry thru on the consequences. This is where the detachment comes in. Not sure if you have read this but maybe this will help (it's a bit of a long read but I believe worthwhile):
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be
themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person
from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with
people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person,
place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone
whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your
emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you
have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of
you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and
independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see
another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel
responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring
without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or
controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective
and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the
uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as
not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on
beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal
responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and
not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions
lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who
you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who
in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:
Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on
you.
Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places,
or with things, which you do not really want to do.
Can become an obsessive ``fix it'' who needs to fix everything you
perceive to be imperfect.
Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you
experience from people, places, or things.
Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the
people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control
you.
Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which
control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let
go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which
these people, places, or things project.
Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything
perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it
means your own life becomes unhealthy.
Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience
greater low self-esteem as a result.
Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on
it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person,
place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out
of the relationship.
Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness
in the relationship will worsen.
Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your
value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in
with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.
How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in
your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''
If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a
person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its
control or it is under your control.
The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires
self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out
of control.''
If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing,
you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your
personal control.
You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when
you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with
someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you
don't remain so deeply involved.
You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who
cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care
for itself.
You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,''
overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their
own problems.
If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so
busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your
attention from yourself and your own needs.
By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really
a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal''
for them.
Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and
things from which you have become detached, you will have given them
the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power,
control, and responsibility.
It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become
involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a
unique, independent, and autonomous being with no fear of retribution
or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
They need you and that is enough to justify your continued
involvement.
What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay
involved to avoid this.
You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after
you reduced your involvement with them.
They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off
now would be a crime.
You need them as much as they need you.
You can't control yourself because everyday you promise
yourself "today is the day'' you will detach your feelings but you
feel driven to them and their needs.
They have so many problems, they need you.
Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when
you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no
way at all.
If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might
change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should
do more to help them.
Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable.
You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is
so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so
unnatural.
You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached
from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and
one for all. Never do anything without including the significant
others in your life.
If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good
relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt,
suffering, problems, and troubles.
When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for
help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must
always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give
them assistance, advice, support, and direction.
You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or
physical, when another is in dire need of help.
You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to
assist others to be happy and successful.
You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional
support, comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.
No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must
always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and
support.
Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing
with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love
them more when they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all
problems.
How to develop detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need
to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person,
place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or
dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or
things which in the past you have given power to affect your
emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and
things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot
change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health
by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one
person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity
you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal
other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that
you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal,
or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get
better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky
clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to
recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs
changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not
blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy
actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons,
places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick''
behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your
relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and
current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences
in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop
minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs
which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make
better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no
control or power to change.
.
Steps in developing detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places,
and things in your life from which you would be best to develop
emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical,
emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the
following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal
if any of the people, places, or things in your life fit any of the
following twenty categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about
yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or
enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't
allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and
conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your
letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the
other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for
control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting
and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you
have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one
individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship
which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and
replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your
physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the
relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or
thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what
you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this
reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life
and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life.
Change your expectations that things will be better than what they
really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher
Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over
letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and
free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in
the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy,
wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a
GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in
the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your
emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to
continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to
affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and
self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1
and begin all over again.
Hi Grace, I believe that detaching is critical to our own self care and self healing. I also believe that I must set boundaries with my toxic family members and most importantly consequences. Actions speak louder than words. I can't respect myself otherwise. I also find that when people say or do things that bother me I try this... Mary when you said (fill in the blank) it made me feel (fill in the blank) This opens up the conversation, then if goes in a negative way, I will say, Mary if you continue to (fill in the blank) I will (fill in the blank). This is the way I set boundaries and consequences, not threats. I also make sure that I carry thru on the consequences. This is where the detachment comes in. Not sure if you have read this but maybe this will help (it's a bit of a long read but I believe worthwhile):
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be
themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person
from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with
people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person,
place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone
whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your
emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you
have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of
you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and
independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see
another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel
responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring
without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or
controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective
and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the
uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as
not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on
beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal
responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and
not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions
lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who
you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who
in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:
Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on
you.
Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places,
or with things, which you do not really want to do.
Can become an obsessive ``fix it'' who needs to fix everything you
perceive to be imperfect.
Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you
experience from people, places, or things.
Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the
people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control
you.
Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which
control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let
go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which
these people, places, or things project.
Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything
perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it
means your own life becomes unhealthy.
Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience
greater low self-esteem as a result.
Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on
it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person,
place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out
of the relationship.
Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness
in the relationship will worsen.
Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your
value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in
with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.
How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in
your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''
If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a
person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its
control or it is under your control.
The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires
self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out
of control.''
If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing,
you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your
personal control.
You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when
you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with
someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you
don't remain so deeply involved.
You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who
cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care
for itself.
You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,''
overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their
own problems.
If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so
busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your
attention from yourself and your own needs.
By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really
a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal''
for them.
Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and
things from which you have become detached, you will have given them
the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power,
control, and responsibility.
It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become
involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a
unique, independent, and autonomous being with no fear of retribution
or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
They need you and that is enough to justify your continued
involvement.
What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay
involved to avoid this.
You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after
you reduced your involvement with them.
They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off
now would be a crime.
You need them as much as they need you.
You can't control yourself because everyday you promise
yourself "today is the day'' you will detach your feelings but you
feel driven to them and their needs.
They have so many problems, they need you.
Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when
you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no
way at all.
If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might
change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should
do more to help them.
Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable.
You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is
so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so
unnatural.
You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached
from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and
one for all. Never do anything without including the significant
others in your life.
If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good
relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt,
suffering, problems, and troubles.
When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for
help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must
always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give
them assistance, advice, support, and direction.
You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or
physical, when another is in dire need of help.
You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to
assist others to be happy and successful.
You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional
support, comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.
No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must
always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and
support.
Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing
with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love
them more when they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all
problems.
How to develop detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need
to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person,
place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or
dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or
things which in the past you have given power to affect your
emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and
things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot
change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health
by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one
person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity
you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal
other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that
you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal,
or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get
better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky
clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to
recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs
changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not
blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy
actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons,
places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick''
behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your
relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and
current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences
in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop
minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs
which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make
better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no
control or power to change.
.
Steps in developing detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places,
and things in your life from which you would be best to develop
emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical,
emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the
following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal
if any of the people, places, or things in your life fit any of the
following twenty categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about
yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or
enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't
allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and
conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your
letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the
other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for
control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting
and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you
have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one
individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship
which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and
replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your
physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the
relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or
thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what
you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this
reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life
and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life.
Change your expectations that things will be better than what they
really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher
Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over
letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and
free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in
the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy,
wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a
GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in
the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your
emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to
continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to
affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and
self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1
and begin all over again.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hi Becd! Detaching has been one of the hardest things I ever tried to learn and still I'm not very good at it.
I know the moment I realized I had been detaching and he was noticing. My AH said, "What's wrong with you lately? You're so selfish."
To a codie it was like a knife in the heart.
So, I made a mental list of why I was doing the things I was doing. Why I was fixing and controlling and why I was trying to let go. And once I realized my detaching should have less to do with my AH and more to do with myself it became a little bit easier.
I even realized it was okay to love him and that detaching didn't mean cutting off every aspect of physical and emotional contact with him.
I should say this was all before I moved out.
I had to start all over after I moved out. It was about cutting off all contact with him at that point.
Once I knew my reasons, it became easier. Once I realized that detaching wasn't about saving him but saving myself it was a lot easier.
Funny to think how I thought in the beginning detaching would miraculously fix him. Boy was I wrong!
Really take time to read the post above. It is long but it's so good!!
I know the moment I realized I had been detaching and he was noticing. My AH said, "What's wrong with you lately? You're so selfish."
To a codie it was like a knife in the heart.
So, I made a mental list of why I was doing the things I was doing. Why I was fixing and controlling and why I was trying to let go. And once I realized my detaching should have less to do with my AH and more to do with myself it became a little bit easier.
I even realized it was okay to love him and that detaching didn't mean cutting off every aspect of physical and emotional contact with him.
I should say this was all before I moved out.
I had to start all over after I moved out. It was about cutting off all contact with him at that point.
Once I knew my reasons, it became easier. Once I realized that detaching wasn't about saving him but saving myself it was a lot easier.
Funny to think how I thought in the beginning detaching would miraculously fix him. Boy was I wrong!
Really take time to read the post above. It is long but it's so good!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I have found this information to be helpful
Detachment with love:
One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.
Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.
That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.
We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.
Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.
For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"
My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of a chemically dependent person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."
Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.
Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.
In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
--by Rosemary Hartman
Rosemary Hartman is the supervisor of the Family Program for Hazelden Foundation, a nonprofit organization based in Center City, Minn., that provides chemical dependency information and recovery services.
Detachment with love:
One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.
Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.
That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.
We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.
Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.
For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"
My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of a chemically dependent person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."
Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.
Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.
In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
--by Rosemary Hartman
Rosemary Hartman is the supervisor of the Family Program for Hazelden Foundation, a nonprofit organization based in Center City, Minn., that provides chemical dependency information and recovery services.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
For me detaching was a process. When the first glimpse of the "thought" of no longer being "twisted" in the mess, I thought detaching would be the end. Final. Nothing after.
I'm learning I was wrong.
Not everyting in life is black and white, that includes detaching. There are many hues to it. As I read the responses to your post, I noticed each has/is doing it in their own time and way. Some before they invoke new boundrys, some in conjunction with boundrys, some even years before they make decisions about seperation. We are all unique unto our own circumstances.
However, the fact that we're all HERE is a step towards detachment don't you think?
The way I see this is I'm a codie and the reason it feels strange is because its DIFFERENT for me. Instead of thinking of another, I am thinking of ME. I'm not used to that. Certainly I wouls think that would show me, that in fact I'm NOT doing it wrong
Lots of good info on this thread
Peace
I'm learning I was wrong.
Not everyting in life is black and white, that includes detaching. There are many hues to it. As I read the responses to your post, I noticed each has/is doing it in their own time and way. Some before they invoke new boundrys, some in conjunction with boundrys, some even years before they make decisions about seperation. We are all unique unto our own circumstances.
However, the fact that we're all HERE is a step towards detachment don't you think?
I don't know if it all feels strange cause I'm usually such a people pleaser and martyr or if I'm doing it wrong.
Lots of good info on this thread
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
This is the hardest thing in the world for me to do.... and I dont do it well either ....
But for me detaching is not only self love, it is respecting myself and the person Im detaching from. Im a fixer, I will stomp, cry, point out things......etc..... till I not only drive the other person mad (and away from me) but also drive myself crazy. To detach with love is to give that person the respect to be and do what they want without battling my codependence crazies. I am trying to do this today as well and it kills me but I know that for my recovery and theirs too there is no other way for all involved to have senerity.
I hate detaching, accepting, letting go, giving it to God...... sometimes it just hurts like He**.
But for me detaching is not only self love, it is respecting myself and the person Im detaching from. Im a fixer, I will stomp, cry, point out things......etc..... till I not only drive the other person mad (and away from me) but also drive myself crazy. To detach with love is to give that person the respect to be and do what they want without battling my codependence crazies. I am trying to do this today as well and it kills me but I know that for my recovery and theirs too there is no other way for all involved to have senerity.
I hate detaching, accepting, letting go, giving it to God...... sometimes it just hurts like He**.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Anytime I ever started learning a new behavior I would fell incredibly and that I was doing something wrong. It took some getting used to act differently.
And of course he'll say those things, he wants the old you back.
Earthworm
And of course he'll say those things, he wants the old you back.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by BecD 
I find 'detaching in love' so hard in practice - my AH says I now 'don't give s*** about our relationship' and that I'm cold and unloving. I've read the book 'Co-dependent no More' and Alanon literature on detachment but I can't seem to find peace in detaching from my AH - rather I just totally withdraw and say nothing (except functional stuff with the kids). This is the first time lately I've also withdrawn physically (which is probably why my AH is so put out).
I don't know if it all feels strange cause I'm usually such a people pleaser and martyr or if I'm doing it wrong.
Do people have advice or experiences to share on how to 'detach in love'?
I don't know if it all feels strange cause I'm usually such a people pleaser and martyr or if I'm doing it wrong.
Do people have advice or experiences to share on how to 'detach in love'?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 8
Thanks for all the excellent info -
Reading through it I realise that a big block I have had to detaching is that I have thought that if I don't stop trying to control my AH (i.e. the nagging, the helpful pointing out - "maybe you're not getting the flu but have a hang over", "did you know you spent $100 on alcohol and cigarettes last fortnight" etc. etc.) then he'll never change, and get worse. I guess I have fallen for the deception that it has been my constant monitoring that has kept his drinking from getting really out of control.
But I'm starting to grasp more (as some of you have said above) that it's an active ongoing surrender of co-dependent ways - it doesn't happen in a flash - softly softly.
I think back to when I did the twelve step programme when I had bulimia as a teenager and I used to think for a long time that if I didn't try and control my throwing up then I would never be able to stop. But in actual fact it was once I did hand over control to my Higher Power that I got well.
But that struggle took only six to twelve months - whereas I've been battling with handing over control of my AH for a few years now! Shows how deeply ingrained co-dependency is for me - and why I need to practice handing over sometimes one minute at a time.
Thanks again for all your posts - they help me alot.
becd
Reading through it I realise that a big block I have had to detaching is that I have thought that if I don't stop trying to control my AH (i.e. the nagging, the helpful pointing out - "maybe you're not getting the flu but have a hang over", "did you know you spent $100 on alcohol and cigarettes last fortnight" etc. etc.) then he'll never change, and get worse. I guess I have fallen for the deception that it has been my constant monitoring that has kept his drinking from getting really out of control.
But I'm starting to grasp more (as some of you have said above) that it's an active ongoing surrender of co-dependent ways - it doesn't happen in a flash - softly softly.
I think back to when I did the twelve step programme when I had bulimia as a teenager and I used to think for a long time that if I didn't try and control my throwing up then I would never be able to stop. But in actual fact it was once I did hand over control to my Higher Power that I got well.
But that struggle took only six to twelve months - whereas I've been battling with handing over control of my AH for a few years now! Shows how deeply ingrained co-dependency is for me - and why I need to practice handing over sometimes one minute at a time.
Thanks again for all your posts - they help me alot.
becd
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
I too have been called, "cold", "selfish", "not caring about what he's going through" but really, all I do is care about him and I know, and he admits, if I didn't detach and let him go, he never would have stopped drinking...
thank you for this post, it is so helpful to hear eveyone's experiences and advice on such a difficult concept...
xo
thank you for this post, it is so helpful to hear eveyone's experiences and advice on such a difficult concept...
xo
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
How to copy and paste
The first time someone told me how to copy and paste, I thought they were just pulling a practical joke on me. lol
Highlight the part you want.....(hold down mouse button and run it over all of the text to highlight) then right click, and select COPY.
Now, click start, then programs, then accessories, notepad. When notepad opens a page, right click anywhere on it, and select PASTE.
Then, click File (on the top of notepad page), and select Save as. A page will pop up to where you will be saving it (it's usually set for My Documents by default)....in the blank, name it something (it might already say untitled).
Then to see your page that you saved, go to where u saved it, usually My Documents from the desktop,, and it should be in there.
Highlight the part you want.....(hold down mouse button and run it over all of the text to highlight) then right click, and select COPY.
Now, click start, then programs, then accessories, notepad. When notepad opens a page, right click anywhere on it, and select PASTE.
Then, click File (on the top of notepad page), and select Save as. A page will pop up to where you will be saving it (it's usually set for My Documents by default)....in the blank, name it something (it might already say untitled).
Then to see your page that you saved, go to where u saved it, usually My Documents from the desktop,, and it should be in there.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Guess main part of detaching is accepting that you CAN'T control another person or their use. Even the silent treatment and manipulation are control. I've never lived with an addict so detaching by acceptance of unacceptable behavior has got to be oh so tough
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