Thanks for all the excellent info -
Reading through it I realise that a big block I have had to detaching is that I have thought that if I don't stop trying to control my AH (i.e. the nagging, the helpful pointing out - "maybe you're not getting the flu but have a hang over", "did you know you spent $100 on alcohol and cigarettes last fortnight" etc. etc.) then he'll never change, and get worse. I guess I have fallen for the deception that it has been my constant monitoring that has kept his drinking from getting really out of control.
But I'm starting to grasp more (as some of you have said above) that it's an active ongoing surrender of co-dependent ways - it doesn't happen in a flash - softly softly.
I think back to when I did the twelve step programme when I had bulimia as a teenager and I used to think for a long time that if I didn't try and control my throwing up then I would never be able to stop. But in actual fact it was once I did hand over control to my Higher Power that I got well.
But that struggle took only six to twelve months - whereas I've been battling with handing over control of my AH for a few years now! Shows how deeply ingrained co-dependency is for me - and why I need to practice handing over sometimes one minute at a time.
Thanks again for all your posts - they help me alot.
becd