Packing/moving can be a very therapeutic part of recovery
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Packing/moving can be a very therapeutic part of recovery
Over the last few weeks, I went through a lot of my 'old stuff' that I had left at my parent's home eons ago. At the time when my (now) ex and I moved in together, I brought only the 'bare necessities' as there was really no room to bring everything (looking back, how very 'telling and symbolic' that was)!!
As I began the task of sorting through what I had previously left behind, I found that I was 'very selective' in what I wanted to bring to where I live now. For each item I had to decide if it would fit into and enhance the health of my current home (or state of mind), or, more importantly, if it wouldn't! Choices had to be made.
It's funny, but it seems as though subconsciously, I was immediately drawn to those items that somewhat defined who I was in happier times. These things are examples and reminders of when I used to 'live' and 'pursue the joy in life' versus 'just existing' and just 'settling to be content enough to just survive'. Those were the first things to be packed and brought here.
I can also see that I left many items that represented a dark period or two in my life. Things that perhaps I clung to when I had nothing else. Things that filled gaps for what I didn't have, but truly wanted. They may have helped then, but are of no use to me any longer. Those things I chose to leave behind and put into the trash.
But then after much digging, tucked way in the back of my old bedroom closet, buried under a huge pile of boxes and papers, I found a little treasure. It was a small shoebox, filled with small toys, for a small child (around the age of 4-6). I must have hidden it (and her) there over 40 years ago!!! As I opened the box I thought 'THIS' was my greatest find! I felt so much joy going through my tiny little dolls, a small change purse that still had a penny in it (and a stamp of some kind), small plastic animals I had gotten out of the gum ball machine, etc. I was so happy it was like I had just won a million dollars.
But then, a huge wave of sadness came over me as some unpleasant memories began coming back. Finding that box in the corner of my closet reminded me of how when I was a child, and things got 'too loud or violent' in the rest of the house, I too would tuck myself in that very same corner where I found the box of toys. It muffled a lot of the anger that was spewing around the house.
I thought, no, this doesn't fit into my home/life anymore. I don't want memories of being afraid and hiding...damn...I've hidden my true feelings long enough. I don't want anything representing or reminding me of that in my current home/life. And so, I decided that I should just trash it.
While standing over the garbage can with the little box of toys in my hand, I just couldn't bring myself to do it! Even though those little toys have some painful memories attached, my first reaction when I saw them was of joy! It's like the child within felt safe enough and came out again for a brief moment.
Recently, I've regretted not having children. The choice I had made was the right one at the time. I know that in my heart. But still, a part of me longed to know what it was like to love, nuture, care for, and be a 'good supportive' parent. Well, HERE WAS MY CHANCE! I knew I couldn't leave 'her' (the child inside) behind anymore. So, I took her and her toys out of hiding from within the closet, and brought them both home with me. I'm hoping she too can begin to feel the sunlight on her face, heal, and be free...just like I'm 'beginning' to do. When she does that, then she can decide if she wants to keep her toys or not. It's her decision, not mine (God, I'm beginning to remind me of Sybil now) LOL!!
It's funny how things are all connected. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the feelings that I had learned to stuff/hide as a child could be found in that tiny box of toys....and I'm glad I got a chance to see what I would be like as a 'parent', even though it was just one brief moment...one tiny decision....
This was a 'life defining' moment...one that I won't soon forget.
As I began the task of sorting through what I had previously left behind, I found that I was 'very selective' in what I wanted to bring to where I live now. For each item I had to decide if it would fit into and enhance the health of my current home (or state of mind), or, more importantly, if it wouldn't! Choices had to be made.
It's funny, but it seems as though subconsciously, I was immediately drawn to those items that somewhat defined who I was in happier times. These things are examples and reminders of when I used to 'live' and 'pursue the joy in life' versus 'just existing' and just 'settling to be content enough to just survive'. Those were the first things to be packed and brought here.
I can also see that I left many items that represented a dark period or two in my life. Things that perhaps I clung to when I had nothing else. Things that filled gaps for what I didn't have, but truly wanted. They may have helped then, but are of no use to me any longer. Those things I chose to leave behind and put into the trash.
But then after much digging, tucked way in the back of my old bedroom closet, buried under a huge pile of boxes and papers, I found a little treasure. It was a small shoebox, filled with small toys, for a small child (around the age of 4-6). I must have hidden it (and her) there over 40 years ago!!! As I opened the box I thought 'THIS' was my greatest find! I felt so much joy going through my tiny little dolls, a small change purse that still had a penny in it (and a stamp of some kind), small plastic animals I had gotten out of the gum ball machine, etc. I was so happy it was like I had just won a million dollars.
But then, a huge wave of sadness came over me as some unpleasant memories began coming back. Finding that box in the corner of my closet reminded me of how when I was a child, and things got 'too loud or violent' in the rest of the house, I too would tuck myself in that very same corner where I found the box of toys. It muffled a lot of the anger that was spewing around the house.
I thought, no, this doesn't fit into my home/life anymore. I don't want memories of being afraid and hiding...damn...I've hidden my true feelings long enough. I don't want anything representing or reminding me of that in my current home/life. And so, I decided that I should just trash it.
While standing over the garbage can with the little box of toys in my hand, I just couldn't bring myself to do it! Even though those little toys have some painful memories attached, my first reaction when I saw them was of joy! It's like the child within felt safe enough and came out again for a brief moment.
Recently, I've regretted not having children. The choice I had made was the right one at the time. I know that in my heart. But still, a part of me longed to know what it was like to love, nuture, care for, and be a 'good supportive' parent. Well, HERE WAS MY CHANCE! I knew I couldn't leave 'her' (the child inside) behind anymore. So, I took her and her toys out of hiding from within the closet, and brought them both home with me. I'm hoping she too can begin to feel the sunlight on her face, heal, and be free...just like I'm 'beginning' to do. When she does that, then she can decide if she wants to keep her toys or not. It's her decision, not mine (God, I'm beginning to remind me of Sybil now) LOL!!
It's funny how things are all connected. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the feelings that I had learned to stuff/hide as a child could be found in that tiny box of toys....and I'm glad I got a chance to see what I would be like as a 'parent', even though it was just one brief moment...one tiny decision....
This was a 'life defining' moment...one that I won't soon forget.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
ICU,
Wow....a few tissues are needed here to sop up the mess. You sound so good and healthy! I'm glad you found the toys and gave back some power to that wonderful little girl inside. ((((ICU)))) (((((icu)))))
Thanks so much for sharing and maybe she will want to play with them awhile before she decides what to do with them. You have been blessed and _are_ are blessing!
hugs,
cmc
Wow....a few tissues are needed here to sop up the mess. You sound so good and healthy! I'm glad you found the toys and gave back some power to that wonderful little girl inside. ((((ICU)))) (((((icu)))))
she can decide if she wants to keep her toys or not. It's her decision
hugs,
cmc
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by cmc 
((((ICU)))) (((((icu)))))
I've been struggling with a lot of issues lately...probably more than I should all at one time...renewed anger with my Dad over an incident with my Mom several weeks ago, my Mom's lack of appropriate action years ago (which is one of the reasons why I believe she is where she is today), the realization of unresolved 'love' for my ex. As if one issue at a time wasn't enough!
Bottom line, I think all of these issues coming down on me at the same time was leading me to the heart of the matter - the child within. I miss her, and still love that 'little' part of me , but I'm no longer afraid for 'her'. There, I've said it..."I'm no longer afraid'".
It's all coming together, a little slower than I'd like at times, and then again, a little quicker than I'd like sometimes too. I guess I will follow her lead and I'll get there when the time is right.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
You are ace, ICU. I feel so honoured to have been able to walk alongside you for part of this journey.
I have moved twice since I split up with my ex. Each time I have disposed of more things that hold bad memories for me and cause mini-triggers on a daily basis. I am now preparing to do a car boot sale (like a yard sale) to get rid of the last bits that aren't helping me. I agree - it's an important part of recovery. And I believe that I need to create space before new things and people can come into my life.
As for the little girl in you - look after her. She's worth it.
Keep on the path, ICU. You're doing great.
I have moved twice since I split up with my ex. Each time I have disposed of more things that hold bad memories for me and cause mini-triggers on a daily basis. I am now preparing to do a car boot sale (like a yard sale) to get rid of the last bits that aren't helping me. I agree - it's an important part of recovery. And I believe that I need to create space before new things and people can come into my life.
As for the little girl in you - look after her. She's worth it.
Keep on the path, ICU. You're doing great.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I was just thinking last week about my treasure box. It was an old metal lunch box that was stuffed so tight with things saved. Nothing of real worth except to me.
As for being a parent... Yes I have gathered joy being a dad but I also gather much of that same joy vicariously through others. My youngest is now 24 so for me to enjoy the youthful spirit that children have, I can interact with other peoples' children.
We all are parents. We all teach and guide others by our example.
Your post will touch many lives and help many people find growth... You are a good mom to the world.
Thanks mom.
As for being a parent... Yes I have gathered joy being a dad but I also gather much of that same joy vicariously through others. My youngest is now 24 so for me to enjoy the youthful spirit that children have, I can interact with other peoples' children.
We all are parents. We all teach and guide others by our example.
Your post will touch many lives and help many people find growth... You are a good mom to the world.
Thanks mom.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Minnie,
Remember that thread I started about a week or so ago about feelings for my ex.
You wrote:
....."Anyway, maybe it's time for a reality check on those love feelings for your ex?"
You rattled my cage woman! That's a good thing because it never left my mind. You were 100% correct!
Later in that same thread I said:
"I'm more confused now than I was when I first posted this yesterday. One thing I have learned is that I can't push for the answers...I'll have to let them come to me. But I do feel that I'm on the verge of a breakthrough with this...I can just 'feel it'!"
I think this may be at least a part of the breakthrough I 'felt' coming on. So, you've not only walked alongside me in this part of the journey, you were instrumental in encouraging me to keep my eyes and my mind open! And I thank you for that!!
Best, finding our treasure boxes is kind of cool, huh?
I've never been called 'Mom' before. It's actually very nice. But, it also makes me feel kind of old too. Leave it to me to mix the negative with the positive, LOL! Thanks Best!!
Remember that thread I started about a week or so ago about feelings for my ex.
You wrote:
....."Anyway, maybe it's time for a reality check on those love feelings for your ex?"
You rattled my cage woman! That's a good thing because it never left my mind. You were 100% correct!
Later in that same thread I said:
"I'm more confused now than I was when I first posted this yesterday. One thing I have learned is that I can't push for the answers...I'll have to let them come to me. But I do feel that I'm on the verge of a breakthrough with this...I can just 'feel it'!"
I think this may be at least a part of the breakthrough I 'felt' coming on. So, you've not only walked alongside me in this part of the journey, you were instrumental in encouraging me to keep my eyes and my mind open! And I thank you for that!!
Best, finding our treasure boxes is kind of cool, huh?
I've never been called 'Mom' before. It's actually very nice. But, it also makes me feel kind of old too. Leave it to me to mix the negative with the positive, LOL! Thanks Best!!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
*kiss kiss*
That's what sites like this are all about - sparking off growth for each other. And you know that you've done the same for me - we've had many weekend conversations (in particular) that have switched on lightbulbs for me.
Oh, and that feeling of being on the edge of a breakthrough is because you are - your subconscious has been working on this stuff for some time and you've given it some more info to work with recently. The answers should pop out any time now. Much like a birth, in fact, Mommy!
That's what sites like this are all about - sparking off growth for each other. And you know that you've done the same for me - we've had many weekend conversations (in particular) that have switched on lightbulbs for me.
Oh, and that feeling of being on the edge of a breakthrough is because you are - your subconscious has been working on this stuff for some time and you've given it some more info to work with recently. The answers should pop out any time now. Much like a birth, in fact, Mommy!
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
I told my shrink a week or so ago that I thought that I needed to talk to someone about my issues...
and here they come up right on time...
I have a lot of stuff that I need to get rid of...
Since the divorce, I've not really been able to get him completely "out of the house"...
although most of his things are gone...
I don't know that I have a box of stuff, but I do know that I've been replaying many memories in my head recently, many of them triggered by the "crank it up" music thread that Chance started.
Have you had those "Dove" chocolates? They have the special messages in the wrappers...got one the other day that said..."watch reruns, they replay memories"...
I've always hated to watch reruns, maybe because of that reason?
I do remember things being very loud and scary at home as a child, especially about 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning...
mom & dad fighting, her depression, his drinking, her being suicidal/nervous breakdowns, his chasing "other" women, "our"(mom & us kids) going to look for evidence that he was cheating, his leaving my brother and I in the car while he went into the tavern.....
I suppose it's some sort of PTSD stuff.....
I did go and have an eval with someone...
She wants to call it "relapse prevention", and find me another sponsor, make me go to more meetings.....
but I really think that this is "inside work"...
Periodically, I come here and I realize that some of you have been through some of the same kinds of stuff that I did, and it makes me feel a little less abnormal...
Thanks for sharing...
****{icu}}}
and here they come up right on time...
I have a lot of stuff that I need to get rid of...
Since the divorce, I've not really been able to get him completely "out of the house"...
although most of his things are gone...
I don't know that I have a box of stuff, but I do know that I've been replaying many memories in my head recently, many of them triggered by the "crank it up" music thread that Chance started.
Have you had those "Dove" chocolates? They have the special messages in the wrappers...got one the other day that said..."watch reruns, they replay memories"...
I've always hated to watch reruns, maybe because of that reason?
I do remember things being very loud and scary at home as a child, especially about 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning...
mom & dad fighting, her depression, his drinking, her being suicidal/nervous breakdowns, his chasing "other" women, "our"(mom & us kids) going to look for evidence that he was cheating, his leaving my brother and I in the car while he went into the tavern.....
I suppose it's some sort of PTSD stuff.....
I did go and have an eval with someone...
She wants to call it "relapse prevention", and find me another sponsor, make me go to more meetings.....
but I really think that this is "inside work"...
Periodically, I come here and I realize that some of you have been through some of the same kinds of stuff that I did, and it makes me feel a little less abnormal...
Thanks for sharing...
****{icu}}}
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