shyness, insecurity & friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
shyness, insecurity & friends
My dad is a real perfectionist. I grew up feeling that no matter what I did it wasn't quite good enough. Needless to say, this caused a lot of insecurities for me. Over the years, that insecurity has caused me to become very shy. I used to be able to talk to anyone I met, no problem. I was outspoken. Now I find it hard to talk to anyone. It's to the point where if I try to speak to someone I end up stuttering because I get so nervous and worked up, because I'm afraid they'll be critical like my dad. This has made it very hard for me to make friends. Lately I've been a little depressed about the fact that I really don't have any friends, my best(and basically only) friend moved 8 hours away a few years ago. Because of this, I don't go out much because I have no one to go out with. It didn't used to bother me, but for some reason it is now. I want to be able to go out, maybe make some new friends, but every time the opportunity to go out comes up I'm paralyzed with fear. It seems to be the worst when RAH wants me to go do something with his friends and I'm not sure why, I like these people and most of them are actually family but I just can't seem to talk to them, I'm afraid that because they are so close to him that they might be judging me.... not sure why. I have a hard time speaking to some of my own family because of this.
Even here, I find it very hard to post because of my shyness and fear that I'm being judged. So I really haven't made any friends here either.
Was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my shyness? Or if anyone else suffers with this?
Even here, I find it very hard to post because of my shyness and fear that I'm being judged. So I really haven't made any friends here either.
Was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my shyness? Or if anyone else suffers with this?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Have you ever considered going to therapy. A therapist can be a great way to discuss your shyness and learn techniques to help you move past it.
(((Concerened)))) Big hugs to you. I know sometimes its painful to be shy.
(((Concerened)))) Big hugs to you. I know sometimes its painful to be shy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan
Posts: 28
I suffered with a similar feeling when I was much younger, and it turned out to be a symptom of depression. I'm not saying that's the case with you, but it's something to consider. If you're finding your shyness is debilitating then it's probably time to see a professional - I know it's scary, but you'll find the help you need.
Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
First off, no-one is gonna judge you here. I have felt like you do at points in my life due to anxiety and depression and once you are out of practice it becomes a big thing, once you get used to talking and meeting people you look back and think wow I was scared of this?
One thing that helped me was realising everyone is far too wrapped in themselves to be concerned about what I was saying or doing. Just try to do it in baby steps if you can.
One thing that helped me was realising everyone is far too wrapped in themselves to be concerned about what I was saying or doing. Just try to do it in baby steps if you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Concerned,
Stone is right. No one here does anything but love you, sis. Don't worry about that for even a tiny second
And I was SO incredibly shy for so long. I even put on a good front most of the time, all this bravado covering up the fact that I was worried sick about every single thing that came out of my mouth. It was a self-esteem issue for me (not sure what it is for you). I had put on weight, was unhappy at home, and it all translated into being really scared of talking to people. Oh, yeah, and I found that I was no good at all at talking to people I didn't like. I'm STILL not good at that....
It's not a bad idea to sit down with a counselor of some kind even for just one session, just to try to get at the root of things,and figure out why this might be happening to you. It's also good practice; part of talking to a therapist is running your mouth and talking about yourself and your feelings in a safe environment. It's great practice for the Real World!
I also believe in little bitty baby steps when it comes to something about my life that I'd like to change. I realized one day, when a friend (and I hardly had any) didn't show up at a date at a restaurant and I was just embarrassed SICK to be sitting there all by myself, that I didn't want to have that kind of social fear any more.
But I didn't jump in with both feet or anything; it was too stressful. I did little stuff. I went to a one-day class in a subject I was interested in (sat in the back!) and so I was more concerned about learning stuff than about what anybody else thought of me.
I found a writing group for women in my community, where women just got together and wrote together once every other week for an hour. I ended up making a friend in this group, even though I wasn't doing it to make friends.
Just little tiny things, more oriented to getting out and spending time in groups of people where there was, more likely than not, a lot of common interests. It took a long time, but now I'm pretty comfortable almost anywhere. I'm not an extravert or anything, but I'm also not paralyzed by my own shyness.
Lots of baby steps!
Take care,
GiveLove
Stone is right. No one here does anything but love you, sis. Don't worry about that for even a tiny second
And I was SO incredibly shy for so long. I even put on a good front most of the time, all this bravado covering up the fact that I was worried sick about every single thing that came out of my mouth. It was a self-esteem issue for me (not sure what it is for you). I had put on weight, was unhappy at home, and it all translated into being really scared of talking to people. Oh, yeah, and I found that I was no good at all at talking to people I didn't like. I'm STILL not good at that....
It's not a bad idea to sit down with a counselor of some kind even for just one session, just to try to get at the root of things,and figure out why this might be happening to you. It's also good practice; part of talking to a therapist is running your mouth and talking about yourself and your feelings in a safe environment. It's great practice for the Real World!
I also believe in little bitty baby steps when it comes to something about my life that I'd like to change. I realized one day, when a friend (and I hardly had any) didn't show up at a date at a restaurant and I was just embarrassed SICK to be sitting there all by myself, that I didn't want to have that kind of social fear any more.
But I didn't jump in with both feet or anything; it was too stressful. I did little stuff. I went to a one-day class in a subject I was interested in (sat in the back!) and so I was more concerned about learning stuff than about what anybody else thought of me.
I found a writing group for women in my community, where women just got together and wrote together once every other week for an hour. I ended up making a friend in this group, even though I wasn't doing it to make friends.
Just little tiny things, more oriented to getting out and spending time in groups of people where there was, more likely than not, a lot of common interests. It took a long time, but now I'm pretty comfortable almost anywhere. I'm not an extravert or anything, but I'm also not paralyzed by my own shyness.
Lots of baby steps!
Take care,
GiveLove
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
bigsis, i'm so surprized to know that you are even shy here, sound like me and how i felt when i first came here and still sometimes now, i have to ask if what i said make sense and i find myself apogolizing when sometimes i don't know what i'm apologizing for. i know that my insecurities began as a child, your dad kind of sound like my single mom, trying to protect her oldest daughter, but i took an even greater hit from the addict that i've lived with off and on for over half the yrs i am old. by the time i got here i was totally scared to share, and scared to read a response.
took me awhile but it darned on me one day, that all of you here, as much as i love you all, can't see me and i can't see you. you can't see that i'm a very shy, insecure and damaged person, and if i wanted to get better and want what all of you seem to have, then it would be ok if i choose not to show insecurity or shyness to myself. i needed to talk out some of the issues that was making me sick and it i had to do it afraid, then i would just have to do it afraid.
i call you friend, whether you like it or not, you've helped me so much and i wouldn't have know anything about you being shy or insecure if you had not said it. sorry but you maybe all shy everywhere else if you so choose to be, but there is no reason to feel that here. you are loved so much, and i believe that we all care and need your help whereever you decide to offer it. i think i'm rattling now so i'll stop and say a prayer for you and yours. i hope this makes some kind of sense.
took me awhile but it darned on me one day, that all of you here, as much as i love you all, can't see me and i can't see you. you can't see that i'm a very shy, insecure and damaged person, and if i wanted to get better and want what all of you seem to have, then it would be ok if i choose not to show insecurity or shyness to myself. i needed to talk out some of the issues that was making me sick and it i had to do it afraid, then i would just have to do it afraid.
i call you friend, whether you like it or not, you've helped me so much and i wouldn't have know anything about you being shy or insecure if you had not said it. sorry but you maybe all shy everywhere else if you so choose to be, but there is no reason to feel that here. you are loved so much, and i believe that we all care and need your help whereever you decide to offer it. i think i'm rattling now so i'll stop and say a prayer for you and yours. i hope this makes some kind of sense.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Aww, Teke thank you so much. You are so sweet. You made me cry.
Thank you to everyone else as well.
Give love, I do believe that it is a self esteem issue. I've gone to counsellors and therapists before but never found one that was right for me. Some of the questions that they asked just p*ssed me off so much that I refused to go back. I mean really, I went in because of my depression and the woman was asking me if I ever felt the urge to seriously hurt my son(who at the time was 2 months old) Nope never had that urge, but certainly had the overwhelming urge to blacken her eyes for even suggesting such a thing! i'm thinking of trying to find a different one to talk to though.
It seems funny to me that with some(usually strangers) people I can still be opinionated and mouthy, just as I always used to be. But with people I know(hubby's friends) I just clam right up.
Thank you to everyone else as well.
Give love, I do believe that it is a self esteem issue. I've gone to counsellors and therapists before but never found one that was right for me. Some of the questions that they asked just p*ssed me off so much that I refused to go back. I mean really, I went in because of my depression and the woman was asking me if I ever felt the urge to seriously hurt my son(who at the time was 2 months old) Nope never had that urge, but certainly had the overwhelming urge to blacken her eyes for even suggesting such a thing! i'm thinking of trying to find a different one to talk to though.
It seems funny to me that with some(usually strangers) people I can still be opinionated and mouthy, just as I always used to be. But with people I know(hubby's friends) I just clam right up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are wonderful here with us. maybe u have not got to " i did not cause it" thing. maybe you think they judge you because of your husband. do u go to f.t.f. meetings? maybe that would help & you can meet new people there.i am praying for you.hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Thank you hope. Often times I wonder if it is because of my husband that I cannot talk to these people. I mean, they have known him his whole life. I only came into the picture 4 years ago. They know about the addiction, and all of his bullsh**. Maybe I just need to find people that don't know EVERY thing about him. I don't really feel comfortable talking to his friends because they are HIS friends, I'm afraid if I say the wrong thing they'll imediately dislike me. I also sometimes get that feeling like, if he was still using these people would know (he used to smoke pot with one of them all the time) and there's no way they'd care enough to tell me so they'd be looking at me like I'm a fool for not knowing. More of my insecurity I suppose. That and two of the wives know that their hubbys do drugs and just don't seem to care... one of them lets her hubby smoke pot with the kids around. Maybe with these people it isn't shyness at all.... maybe I just don't want to be around sh*t like that, I've dealt with enough of it between ex's, RAH, my brother and others...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 4
Hi ConcernedBig Sis,
I also had a very critical gather-figure growing up. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather used to tell me to not talk all the time. He would say, No one wants to hear you talk! And he would embarrass me in front of people when I was being spontaneous, so that also adds to the fear of being yourself. For example, when I was about 4 or 5, the grownups were gathered in a neighbors yard putting up their swimming pool for the summer. Someone mentioned something about a woman who was pregnant and another child asked where the baby was. I said, it's in his mother's stomach. (the lady next door to us had been pregnant and let us touch her belly) This was in the 1960's though and things were not as open as today. My grandfather screamed at me in front of everyone about what I said. I was so mortified I ran out of the yard and hid under our front porch. The memory is vivid.
I too grew up being quiet and afarid to speak unless I was very comfortable.
I have since been to a psychiatrist who likes talk therapy and I have been treated for depression also. I have learned to let the anger go and I have learned that my grandfather, not me, was wrong.
I think it would be good to get to know your husband's recovering friends. They are now a part of his life, as are you. They are probably just as afraid of being judged, but that is one thing they work on in recovery.
Good luck, and best to you,
CD
I also had a very critical gather-figure growing up. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather used to tell me to not talk all the time. He would say, No one wants to hear you talk! And he would embarrass me in front of people when I was being spontaneous, so that also adds to the fear of being yourself. For example, when I was about 4 or 5, the grownups were gathered in a neighbors yard putting up their swimming pool for the summer. Someone mentioned something about a woman who was pregnant and another child asked where the baby was. I said, it's in his mother's stomach. (the lady next door to us had been pregnant and let us touch her belly) This was in the 1960's though and things were not as open as today. My grandfather screamed at me in front of everyone about what I said. I was so mortified I ran out of the yard and hid under our front porch. The memory is vivid.
I too grew up being quiet and afarid to speak unless I was very comfortable.
I have since been to a psychiatrist who likes talk therapy and I have been treated for depression also. I have learned to let the anger go and I have learned that my grandfather, not me, was wrong.
I think it would be good to get to know your husband's recovering friends. They are now a part of his life, as are you. They are probably just as afraid of being judged, but that is one thing they work on in recovery.
Good luck, and best to you,
CD
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: totally lost
Posts: 250
Sounds like my life story, Concerned. You aren't alone. When I was younger, I used alcohol to stiffle my fears and insecurities. Then, when I quit drinking, I just hid in the house for years on end. Both my dad and mom were like that with me growing up, but then they are STILL like that to this day.
I don't have any answers for you, but if you find any, please give me a holler :-)
I met a few SR people, but natch, just assume they didn't like me, since that's what I have always assumed. I think I really need to stop assuming :-)
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that someone else knows how you feel.
Love, Barb
I don't have any answers for you, but if you find any, please give me a holler :-)
I met a few SR people, but natch, just assume they didn't like me, since that's what I have always assumed. I think I really need to stop assuming :-)
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that someone else knows how you feel.
Love, Barb
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
do you get out to face to face alanon meetings? i try to go alittle early and stay a bit after - a good place to chat with and meet people who understand.
keep posting, we appreciate you so much here. blessings, k
keep posting, we appreciate you so much here. blessings, k
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Collateral,
I wouldn't have a problem associating with his friends if they WERE recovering as well. But his best friend is an alcoholic, as well as a pothead. This man is constantly drunk or high around his children and his wife doesn't care at all... often times letting him smoke pot right in front of the kids. For this reason I stay away from their home. I refuse to have my children around it, and don't much care to be around it myself. His other best friend doesn't do drugs, and has also been my friend since we were 12, so no problems with him; I find him very easy to talk to.
Barb,
I've always assumed people didn't like me as well. If I find answers I'll definately share them with you. Hope you never assumed that I didn't like you. I agree with you, maybe we both should stop assuming or worrying what others think and just be ourselves... maybe that is the answer?
I wouldn't have a problem associating with his friends if they WERE recovering as well. But his best friend is an alcoholic, as well as a pothead. This man is constantly drunk or high around his children and his wife doesn't care at all... often times letting him smoke pot right in front of the kids. For this reason I stay away from their home. I refuse to have my children around it, and don't much care to be around it myself. His other best friend doesn't do drugs, and has also been my friend since we were 12, so no problems with him; I find him very easy to talk to.
Barb,
I've always assumed people didn't like me as well. If I find answers I'll definately share them with you. Hope you never assumed that I didn't like you. I agree with you, maybe we both should stop assuming or worrying what others think and just be ourselves... maybe that is the answer?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Parent,
I live out in the middle of nowhere and have yet to find any type of meeting in my area. I'd definately try to go if i could find one.... but then I'd have to figure out what to do with my kids during that time.
I live out in the middle of nowhere and have yet to find any type of meeting in my area. I'd definately try to go if i could find one.... but then I'd have to figure out what to do with my kids during that time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
