Things we learned to do to protect ourselves

Old 05-03-2007, 10:31 AM
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Things we learned to do to protect ourselves

After posting a reply to someone here about protecting themself, setting boundaries......
I thought maybe this would be a good thread to start so everyone can jump in with what they have done to Protect themself and/or what boundaries they have set...........

okay me.first.................well

I am learning to protect myself financially by keeping money seperate and taking steps to make sure we dont put the business in debt.........basically he contributes to the household expenses, he carries no cash and the business only buys what "it" can pay ( no lines of credit) .... I am the only authorized person on the business accounts........this way if he disappears and I can't run the business I am not left holding the bag owing a ton of money with noone to do the work( its a labor type business and he's the only one doing the actual work)

Emotionally, I am learning to keep my emotions under control I refuse to allow myself to worry abbout him daily, and if a fear comes to mind I decide that Time will tell and I move forward..........
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Old 05-03-2007, 10:43 AM
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I'm still learning to set boundries. I don't know if my daughter is dead or alive, so right now there are none to set! She knew when she left that I would not allow drugs or her drug friends around and I would NOT give her money for any reason. I still have a problem w/ taking care of me, I'm so used to being the mother and taking care of everyone else, plus I'm a nurse and take care of people there too!

Right now I feel like the best boundry is no contact at all! Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be sad and miserable again.
susan
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Old 05-03-2007, 10:51 AM
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let it grow!
 
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i am learning to protect myself by making my plans and sticking to them. when i put it on my calendar, i keep it there. and when i am out participating with friends and family, i try to stay "present" - not worry or feel guilty about my daughter.

we (my husband and i) are still working up the energy to take a trip away on our own. but - it's progress, not perfection.

good thread! thank you, k
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Old 05-03-2007, 11:40 AM
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well i became self sufficient, have my own place, income, and transportation. i set boundaries and when they are crossed, i try to stick to what i've said, then there's no contact until i'm well able to deal with talking to him without getting all emotionally distressed.
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Old 05-03-2007, 11:48 AM
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One of my first boundaries that was for ME was taking the phone off the hook at night.

Prior to this, I would lie there in the dark, waiting for it to ring with the news I KNEW was coming... my daughter was dead in a ditch somewhere.

The night I took it off the hook, I prayed and prayed first that God would be with my girl and keep her safe... then I took it off. I reasoned that even if she died, there was nothing I could do about it anyway.... so I took it off...




....... and slept like a rock!


It was wonderful.
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Old 05-03-2007, 11:56 AM
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Right now I feel like the best boundry is no contact at all! Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be sad and miserable again.
I so agree, but it has been so hard. Noone has heard from my AH or BIL in almost a a week, not me, MIL or SIL. Even my mom who doesnt like them is worried, its not normal for us all to have a whine free week and I know $400 doesnt last that long, but none of us can give in and go check it out
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Old 05-03-2007, 12:33 PM
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I still love whoever said, put a hula-hoop over your head, drop it down to the floor and that's ALL you have control over, within that circle. AND it's a protective boundary too that I've used repeatedly. I still use it for day to day things and when RAS gets too close for comfort. We kicked him out of the nest, the hard way when he was using and now he has to find his own way.
So far, so good, but I still have to watch my boundaries on a daily basis. That old mother instinct is difficult to fight sometimes. You know, the instinct to "fix" all their problems for them? Uh-uh, doesn't work. They need to fix their own probs.
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Old 05-03-2007, 12:53 PM
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Im learning the finer details of detachment.... I have been on a crash course for the last 9 months.... How funny is that.... I spent my for 26 years detached completely without any emotions but anger and I have worked 17 years to learn how to attach and feel... only to learn how to detach again .... but feel while Im detached... full circle always amazes me.

Im also honning my prayer and working on having faith that God knows what Im doing even if I dont know and he chooses not to share... It helps me to let go of trying to control things so much.
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Old 05-03-2007, 12:57 PM
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I came here an emotional wreck. Slowly I had taken steps to protect myself by setting boundaries and sticking to them. This didn't/couldn't happen overnight.

Financially...I took his name off the house and had him sign over his share of the house to me. I made sure his money was directly deposited into my account to pay bills. (I know these two are not easy for most. I was lucky...AH didn't put up a fight.) Did not establish any joint accounts of any kind...bank, credit card or otherwise. I did not leave my purse, wallet or credit cards lying around. I didn't think he would take them but I have a "never say never" belief. I may know him but I don't know what the addiction side of him is capable of. I hid any jewelry that was worth anything, including his own gold jewelry. I hid my checkbooks. It was a sad state of affairs. We shouldn't have to hide these things from our spouse but it would be wise to hide them from the addict.

Emotionally....I went to face to face meetings and posted like mad here to build up my strength and to heal and detach from the chaos that addiction had brought to my life.
I started to instill small boundaries first. (ex. finish what you bought before you come home....no using in the house....) Of course, for an active addict they care very little about giving you the proper respect and adhereing to these boundaries. And since I always backed out of kicking him out....there was no reason for him to respect what I said. I knew I would have to work on that part of me first before I gave any more threats. So, slowly I would kick him out for the day...he would have to leave and finish his drug before he can come back home. Then, I worked my way into telling him he needs to leave and stay with his parents. (Sorry to all of the parents of addicts but I had to do it. But really I don't have the power to force him to go there...he could've went anywhere else he chose.) He would be out of the house a week at a time everytime he broke my boundaries. He'd come back home and it would be nice for a week and then back to the usual chaos. So, I worked my way into kicking him out for a month. A month now turned into a divorce because he most certainly wasn't getting well with me so he might as well not be doing well without me...this way atleast I don't have to suffer along with him.

I still speak with him and see him but I am no longer in the front row seat. Without the everyday stress of being face to face with his addiction I am now able to show him true compassion, understanding and be the kind of friend we always were to each other. Sure it's a one way street but I'm willing to accept that. I hold no expectations for him and his recovery. I still struggle with watching him destroy himself and his life but I suppose I will always struggle with it. I still love him so I haven't given up on him even though I've given up on our marriage. I always hope and pray for his recovery but that's up to him and his HP.
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Old 05-03-2007, 01:06 PM
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My first and greatest lesson in self-protection was always to have a Plan B.

So many times, I was trapped or felt trapped by the situation, circumstances and A's behaviors. Now, I can always have a safety net. My vehicle keys easily access able, extra cash hidden in a safe place, and 2 or 3 friends that I can call at any time day or night to stay at their house if I need to "get away" from an unhealthy situation.

The inner peace that I have in knowing I am prepared just in case, that I have been proactive - gives me the reassurance that no matter what me & my HP are going to be OK - even better than OK!!

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