prodigal

I am starting this thread because I have read some pretty disturbing stuff here. Sometimes it is just the A quacking and we blow it off. At other times, they say menacing, threatening things - red flag time, folks. They start to push their weight around ... or us! Some people here have been shoved, pushed, slapped, had their children cursed ... yet they stay. Out of fear. Out of confusion. Out of denial.

What is YOUR bottom line? What made you decide to leave and leave for good?

newenglandgirl

Are you a mind reader!? I was asking myself this very question right before I clicked over and saw your post. I'm glad you posted this! I am sure there will be some interesting responses.

I think for me it was when I learned how progressive the disease is and then had the (very painful) realization that my AH was very, very sick and there was no end in sight to the miserable situation. And it was only getting worse...just spinning out of control...the drinking has really taken a toll on my AH's sanity and his "mental illness" was showing through all the time. He started being verbally abusive. At first, I put up with it. But then as the things he would yell at me about were becoming increasingly non-sensical and irrational, I started to get scared.


I realized, really over the course of a weekend, that I was living with a madman. I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. It had become unsafe.

It killed me to leave him. I was so worried - it was all consuming. But I couldn't go back either. There was no point. He was so crazy that interacting with him was like dealing with a crazy person. Trust me though - I had to hold myself back...I love him and knowing that he was alone and so sick was overwelming...but I knew that staying away was, without a doubt, the best thing for both me and him - even if I couldn't see it at the time. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I should also add that I tried for months to get him to go to rehab. I did everything I could possibly do to get him help. And he refused.

There were/are moments when his "true self" comes through, and it's heartbreaking...it's like it's really him deep down in there somewhere and he's just totally possessed by an evil spirit. Like he's drowning inside his own body.

andshewas

The lies. I just could not take it. I was also pregnant, and I knew that often times the first physical strike comes when a woman is pregnant. I also knew that I did not want my boy to have my childhood, so I had to go.

I think one of the big big biggg overlooked reasons for not leaving is financial. It's hard to make it with one income (or none, as some people do not have a job outside the house), and scary. I would not have survived without my absolutely amazing friends.

MsGolightly

the lies and the cheating. not having any more trust in the relationship. not knowing which personality was the one they really wanted to be. not knowing when or if it would ever end.

being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. always worrying, questioning, and worrying more. losing my self-confidence and self-respect. finally realizing i wanted to be with someone i could trust, who wouldn't lie, cheat, or choose a can of beer over me.

aztchr

The final straw...I felt threatened for the first time when my path was blocked in my own house. Then he threw the phone. I left that night and knew I had to leave for good and sell the house.
I shudder to think if I was still there and the progression was any worse.

aztchr

There were many other signs that led up to this. I questioned myself for a long time about what I was putting up with and why. This took over a year.
I know it's not easy at first, but it gets easier each day.

Grace

Ohhhhh.....don't get me started. What I keep wondering now is why it took me so long to finally realize that this so-called relationship was so incredibly abusive and ultimately hopeless.

Two years ago, he threw me out after I was diagnosed with cancer AND I took him back, 6 months later, because he told me he went for counseling.

A few months ago, I told him that I had developed another lump, and the abusive behavior escalated again. He said, "You've been watching too many soap operas. Am I supposed to get upset because you have another lump?"

HE ABUSES INNOCENT ANIMALS!!!! I'm making one more trip back to his insane world and that's to get the rest of my stuff.

Sunflower

My final with my EXAH--was when I could no longer trust him with my son who was an infant then--I was 21 and now am 49.
Took alot more with an AS--mother bear here--had to be physically attacked to make him leave--but he is now recovering nicely.....

WhatAboutME

One of my biggest reasons for staying so long has definitely been financial - or at least MY perceived notion that I could not financially make it w/o him. When he lost his job at the end of February, I was suddenly forced to deal with that fear head on. Now "I" was financially, and otherwise, responsible for an unemployed drunk?!? And then he got friendly with some chickie he met in rehab..."Just friends". That was my final straw. My brain has been in overdrive ever since. I realize that I cannot forgive this, even if he achieves sobriety. Even if nothing physical happened between them. An emotional bond, or affair, seems more devastating.

Mostly though, it's been a slow progression for me. Entirely too slow in retrospect. Years and years of lies, manipulation, embarrassement, financial devastation due to his drinking, isolation, etc., etc. It's been about 3 years since I have been wondering out loud what my personal breaking point would be. Evenutally you just can't ignore the obvious any longer. And when my AH's own parents told me I should leave him, well that's pretty black and white.

dollydo

Lies and verbal abuse, deal breakers.

Tazman53

As a recovered alcoholic I can attest that what you did was the best thing for him and for you as well.

When I was drinking beer was my first love and as long as my wife or who ever was willing to help me drink I would lie like hell to them about what ever I needed to to where I could keep drinking.

Ah yes, what every drinking alcoholic needs in order to start recovery, having to face thier alcoholism all by thier self, no one putting a roof over their head, bailing thier drunk butts out of one jam after another, making excuses for them. I did not face my problem until I knew I was going to be facing all by myself with no one helping me in any way.

If my wife had not let me know that I was no longer going to have her support in any way while I killed myself I would still be drinking today. Thank God my wife loved herself and our children enough to force me to face MY PROBLEM all by myself.

Heavenlyx3

I think when it began (verbal) being directed toward my children that was it for me. I went to the attorney. Even if we ever get back together the document I had written up will last forever and he is never allowed near my children drinking or having had something to drink for the past 12 hours. It's a pre-nup within a marriage. The lies are what really became unbearable on my behalf. He moved out willingly so that was a plus.

cagefree

Why did I tolerate it? I had no clue what I was dealing with. I was treating a relationship with an alcoholic who "claimed" to be in recovery the same as a normal, non-acloholic relationship. I also had codie tendencies..."Look at how his life has gotten better since I came into his life!"

What made me leave: Lies, dishonesty, putting me down in front of anyone and everyone when we were in public, insane criticisms (he complained one time because I was complimenting him...and in public too - huh?) and telling me I'm a bad mom (I have no kids, own a house, pay my bills, have no criminal record - but I'm a bad mom somehow?) and his scary lack of responsibility - he killed his pet snake because he neglected it.

But, out of everything, I think my lightbulb moment was when he said, "I don't think I'm an alcoholic anymore and I should be able to have a few whenever I want." He said we were incompatible and he was essentially throwing me out of his life. I gave him 2 weeks to get his crap and leave. His hard lined attitude went from sarcastic to begging me to let him stay, he even proposed 3 times - not that he ever meant it. He moved back to his dumpy apartment with promises to "get serious" about his recovery.

I think he might have for about a month or two - but it all came crashing down again - what little support I was giving him (I went to see him get his 6 month chip) meant nothing as he threw me and my support out of his life (again). He's trying to get me to contact him again...I just don't care. It may sound heartless, but I truely don't care if he makes it or drowns in his alcohol.

Reminds me of a song called "My give-a-dam's busted..."

chero

What a great thread!!

I ask myself all the time how much more will I take??

Lies.................check
verbal abuse.....check
lies..................check
arrests.............check
lies..................check
physical abuse...check

How much more??? Where's the bottom??? I'm scared to find out!!!!!!!!!!

minnie

I thought that the moment when I finally decided to leave would be pretty dramatic, especially given the amount of drama going on in the relationship at the time.

As it was, I very calmly realised that I couldn't listen to him say "It's going to be different this time" after another session. I had just run out of chances. A wave of certainty washed over me at that moment and I never once looked back, despite almost a year of him trying to get me back. Enough was enough.

embraced2000

my leaving point......when i felt like i was in a permanant spin cycle of a psychotic washing machine. when i became physically sick, mentally fragile, and spiritually dead.

when i became sick of his constant choice to continue with his destruction.

when i became sick of him believeing that his alcoholic behavior was a safe umbrella for his cruel behaviors....therefore absolving him of any responsibility, and shifting the brunt of his actions to those that loved him.

when i realized that he could choose recovery, but did not.

when i became sick of hearing so many differing opinions amongst the professionals......it seemed the goal was to keep him in their insurance loop....much money to be made from the insurance industry on alcoholism recovery.....or lack of, i might add.

when i became sick of seeing his thrilling excuses that it was his disease and he couldn't help it.....after all, he had the ama saying he couldn't help it.

when i got sick of him saying...."it's just the cards i was dealt babe"......well, babe, throw them cards away.

i also struggle, as you can see, the concept of disease.

but it doesnt really matter.....what matters is that we escape from their clutches and create our own healthy life.

jmho

mallowcup

I leave when I reach a depth of self disgust.

minnie

I will just add that the calm I refer to in my previous post came after a good few years of drama and turmoil and chaos. I think I realised it was time because I was so clear and peaceful about the thought.

newenglandgirl

This was a real turning point for me too.

We read/hear that it is a disease and that they cannot control it, and yet recovery is about control. You can call it what you want (releasing to HP, taking one day at a time, etc. etc.), but the bottom line when quitting any addiction is self-control.

For a long time I believed that my AH was unable to get himself help, but then, with the help of friends, family, and SR, I realized that yes, yes he could get help if so chose. wow.

If he was able to still organize detailed lies and scenarios to fool his parents into thinking that he really doesn't have a problem, and do his banking and buying of daily booze supply, then it seems to me that he's still got the ability to go to detox/rehab.

I started to realize that he just didn't want help. He was not ready to give up the drink. No matter how bad things had gotten.

What kind of person puts their wife through all of this!? Perhaps that realization was even more painful than the first: maybe my AH was simply not the good man I thought he was. ouch. I felt so duped.

Tazman53

Chero physical abuse always gets worse and never gets better, think about that and then decide do you love your life more then you love him?

Or let me put it another way, do you love your life as much as he loves his booze? If you love your life as much as he loves his booze you will be getting out yesterday!