How much will you tolerate? What will make you leave?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
When...
I realized when my dog was thrown across the room into the wall and I was dragged down the stairs on my back! A little later than I should have!! (before that I had the glimpses of reality that as Taz said he loved the bottle more than me but my "fix it" came into play!) When I realized I was the one contributing to allowing this behavior after the physical abuse began it was time to run......................
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I STAYED BECAUSE:
Marriage.. It is not easy to simply walk away from a marriage ... we had committed to having it last a life time ..plus there are many legal issues and shared assets that can making divorcing very difficult.
I needed proof his drinking was out of control and he wasn't just being selfish and irresponsible...he worked very hard at hiding the extent of his drinking for many years. You can't fix the relationship problems if you are dealing with an alcoholic ...and that needed to be established first to know how to move forward.
Financial ...I had some serious health problems that made it impossible to support myself earlier in our marriage. Also, we eventually built a business together through many years of very hard work ... and separating or divorcing could have destroyed a thriving business and income.
Children .. when you have children, you always hope you can stay together as a family and it is not an easy decision to separate, even harder to divorce because of custody issues.
I REALIZED I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH:
The day I found out he had been hiding alcohol in a well hidden cabinet in the garage .. for years!
In the matter of a few minutes of finding his hidden alcohol stash, I realized he was a full fledged alcoholic and had been for years.
I finally had proof he had been lying to me and our whole relationship was based on deception.
Years of suspicions were finally validated in that his bizarre behavior was due to alcohol not my imagination as he had tried to convince me.
His disruptive and nasty behavior was not going to be fixed until he stopped drinking ... marriage counseling wasn't the solution...only sobriety was.
The final and most motivating factor was ... once I knew he had been drinking excessively and deceiving me about it ... I knew he had been driving our kids around while significantly impaired - and lying about it - a total deal breaker!
Marriage.. It is not easy to simply walk away from a marriage ... we had committed to having it last a life time ..plus there are many legal issues and shared assets that can making divorcing very difficult.
I needed proof his drinking was out of control and he wasn't just being selfish and irresponsible...he worked very hard at hiding the extent of his drinking for many years. You can't fix the relationship problems if you are dealing with an alcoholic ...and that needed to be established first to know how to move forward.
Financial ...I had some serious health problems that made it impossible to support myself earlier in our marriage. Also, we eventually built a business together through many years of very hard work ... and separating or divorcing could have destroyed a thriving business and income.
Children .. when you have children, you always hope you can stay together as a family and it is not an easy decision to separate, even harder to divorce because of custody issues.
I REALIZED I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH:
The day I found out he had been hiding alcohol in a well hidden cabinet in the garage .. for years!
In the matter of a few minutes of finding his hidden alcohol stash, I realized he was a full fledged alcoholic and had been for years.
I finally had proof he had been lying to me and our whole relationship was based on deception.
Years of suspicions were finally validated in that his bizarre behavior was due to alcohol not my imagination as he had tried to convince me.
His disruptive and nasty behavior was not going to be fixed until he stopped drinking ... marriage counseling wasn't the solution...only sobriety was.
The final and most motivating factor was ... once I knew he had been drinking excessively and deceiving me about it ... I knew he had been driving our kids around while significantly impaired - and lying about it - a total deal breaker!
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Tazman
Tazman, How exactly did your wife let you face your alcoholism all by yourself? I am still with my AH, have no intention of leaving right now for financial reasons (and still do love him), detaching pretty good, but any advice you can give is appreciated.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
How exactly did your wife let you face your alcoholism all by yourself?
Well he continued to drink, she told him to leave, he would not so she had the cops escort him out.... never to return!
She had been on my case for years and one day she told me "Martin I am working with my parents to get me and the kids a place of our own because I am not going to allow them to watch you kill your self and continue to torture me and them because of your drinking."
I will be honest and say that if I did not know first hand about her first husband I would have thought she was just blowing smoke and would have continued my love affair with my bottle until they were moving out, then it would have been to late.
When she told me that I went out to the garage and cracked open another beer and started to think..... First thing I thought about was "Cool, I can drink all I want now with out any one bitching!"
Well at that point I think God stepped up to the head of the commitee meeting in my head and showed me my future if I did not stop drinking. What I was shown was an eventual slow alcoholic death, because I knew that with out my wife covering my butt in very short order I would have nothing left but me and that damn bottle.
Threats do not work with an alcoholic, like I said, if I did not know for a fact that my wife had booted her ex for the same reason, I would not have put my self straight into detox and then into AA.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks Tazman
When I was first with my AH 22 years ago, he drank as heavily as he does now. After three years of that, I took myself and my three small kids and left him for three weeks while I had him thrown out of our apartment by the sheriff. He called his mother and asked her to take him to detox. She did, then he went to rehab and was sober for over 14 years. He relapsed after he had his shoulder surgery. Things were different then, I wasn't married to him, didn't own a home with him, etc. I find it much harder to leave now, and have much more to lose. Last year I threatened to leave, he stopped for a week or so. Personally, I don't think he'd stop right now if I left, and I'd be the one suffering financially, so I guess I'll just stay and keep doing the detaching thing, even though it gets quite hard at times. Thanks for your advice.
QT
When I was first with my AH 22 years ago, he drank as heavily as he does now. After three years of that, I took myself and my three small kids and left him for three weeks while I had him thrown out of our apartment by the sheriff. He called his mother and asked her to take him to detox. She did, then he went to rehab and was sober for over 14 years. He relapsed after he had his shoulder surgery. Things were different then, I wasn't married to him, didn't own a home with him, etc. I find it much harder to leave now, and have much more to lose. Last year I threatened to leave, he stopped for a week or so. Personally, I don't think he'd stop right now if I left, and I'd be the one suffering financially, so I guess I'll just stay and keep doing the detaching thing, even though it gets quite hard at times. Thanks for your advice.
QT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Why did I stay????? Which time?
The first time I stayed because it was all I knew. I was raised with the disease and though I knew it was not right and I was not happy, I was not convienced that life was supose to be happy... As I got help here and there is when I realized how unhealthy/dysfunctional it really was.
Then my daughter was born............. There is nothing in the world that has ever changed me like her birth.... That is when I hit the intense theraphy, I knew I could not raise a functional child because I did not know what functional was. After 2 years I not only came to the realization that he would not grow up, would not stop drinking and I was a single parent anyway.... I still did not leave... Two things did it for me.
1. Since I could not do it for myself, I asked myself (great therapist) is this good enough for my daughter. If she were married, living in this situation what would I say to her.... then comes the understanding that in staying myself Im teaching her by my actions that his abuse/alcoholism is acceptable and I cound not accept that.
2. When during one extreem fight.... I looked into his drunk eyes and swear I saw satan himself. I knew in the moment that he would/could kill me.... no it has not gotten to that point, but it would have.
BUTTTTT....
That did not stop me from getting intangled with another Alcoholic, the one that brought me to Ala-non... This time I did not have my daughter with me.... and I forgot to ask the question about it being good enough for her. In this last case all I can say is .... God did for me what I would/could not do for myself.... guess he just showed me mercy and the Alcoholic left me. After lying, cheating more then once, verbal abuse, instability, I still did not find "my" bottom.
Im glad today I dont have to search for my bottom anymore.
The first time I stayed because it was all I knew. I was raised with the disease and though I knew it was not right and I was not happy, I was not convienced that life was supose to be happy... As I got help here and there is when I realized how unhealthy/dysfunctional it really was.
Then my daughter was born............. There is nothing in the world that has ever changed me like her birth.... That is when I hit the intense theraphy, I knew I could not raise a functional child because I did not know what functional was. After 2 years I not only came to the realization that he would not grow up, would not stop drinking and I was a single parent anyway.... I still did not leave... Two things did it for me.
1. Since I could not do it for myself, I asked myself (great therapist) is this good enough for my daughter. If she were married, living in this situation what would I say to her.... then comes the understanding that in staying myself Im teaching her by my actions that his abuse/alcoholism is acceptable and I cound not accept that.
2. When during one extreem fight.... I looked into his drunk eyes and swear I saw satan himself. I knew in the moment that he would/could kill me.... no it has not gotten to that point, but it would have.
BUTTTTT....
That did not stop me from getting intangled with another Alcoholic, the one that brought me to Ala-non... This time I did not have my daughter with me.... and I forgot to ask the question about it being good enough for her. In this last case all I can say is .... God did for me what I would/could not do for myself.... guess he just showed me mercy and the Alcoholic left me. After lying, cheating more then once, verbal abuse, instability, I still did not find "my" bottom.
Im glad today I dont have to search for my bottom anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
i will leave ....
if he becomes abusive, verbally or physically
if his drinking causes me sleepless nights, affects my health and my daily life
if he gives up on himself
if i see no more hopes
right now i'm staying ...
because i see hope
because he's making progress
because he loves me and cares about me
because even when he's drinking, he still respects me
if he becomes abusive, verbally or physically
if his drinking causes me sleepless nights, affects my health and my daily life
if he gives up on himself
if i see no more hopes
right now i'm staying ...
because i see hope
because he's making progress
because he loves me and cares about me
because even when he's drinking, he still respects me
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sure we have choices. Every single day we make hundreds of choices.
Really, we don't have to wait until things are horrendous before we take steps. Way better to be moving towards something, rather than running away from something else. At least, then, the journey can be enjoyed too.
Really, we don't have to wait until things are horrendous before we take steps. Way better to be moving towards something, rather than running away from something else. At least, then, the journey can be enjoyed too.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
As a recovered alcoholic I can attest that what you did was the best thing for him and for you as well.
When I was drinking beer was my first love and as long as my wife or who ever was willing to help me drink I would lie like hell to them about what ever I needed to to where I could keep drinking.
Ah yes, what every drinking alcoholic needs in order to start recovery, having to face thier alcoholism all by thier self, no one putting a roof over their head, bailing thier drunk butts out of one jam after another, making excuses for them. I did not face my problem until I knew I was going to be facing all by myself with no one helping me in any way.
If my wife had not let me know that I was no longer going to have her support in any way while I killed myself I would still be drinking today. Thank God my wife loved herself and our children enough to force me to face MY PROBLEM all by myself.
When I was drinking beer was my first love and as long as my wife or who ever was willing to help me drink I would lie like hell to them about what ever I needed to to where I could keep drinking.
Ah yes, what every drinking alcoholic needs in order to start recovery, having to face thier alcoholism all by thier self, no one putting a roof over their head, bailing thier drunk butts out of one jam after another, making excuses for them. I did not face my problem until I knew I was going to be facing all by myself with no one helping me in any way.
If my wife had not let me know that I was no longer going to have her support in any way while I killed myself I would still be drinking today. Thank God my wife loved herself and our children enough to force me to face MY PROBLEM all by myself.
are you and your wife still together?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
My bottom..
I was broke, physically sick, overweight, tired, not performing on the job, house was a disaster, car was a sty, and didnt want the life I had anymore.
I knew that change had to be made by me..if I wanted life X, I couldnt live life y.
I was just ready to live. I was tired of waiting and finally realized I deserved to be happy.
I was broke, physically sick, overweight, tired, not performing on the job, house was a disaster, car was a sty, and didnt want the life I had anymore.
I knew that change had to be made by me..if I wanted life X, I couldnt live life y.
I was just ready to live. I was tired of waiting and finally realized I deserved to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: New England
Posts: 27
I stayed for a long time for financial reasons.....when I was talking to my sister 1 day and she asked me "if money did not matter would you leave" it hit me. I had to find a way out.
When he sat in a parking lot drinking until he could not see straight then drove his truck into the woods,walked home and left the truck there so the police came to the door that validated what I had to do. This was not my dream or the way I wanted my kids to grow up. I tried to imagine what my life would look like years down the road if I stayed and I hated what I saw. At this point I was driving the kids everywhere, doing the shopping, cooking & cleaning and working 2 jobs and very unhappy. If there is another adult in the house that person should be helping out with these things. I go to court on Thursday for Temporary Orders and hopefully the judge will give him a deadline to move out. It is amazing to me what I slowly over the years accepted in my daily life.
When he sat in a parking lot drinking until he could not see straight then drove his truck into the woods,walked home and left the truck there so the police came to the door that validated what I had to do. This was not my dream or the way I wanted my kids to grow up. I tried to imagine what my life would look like years down the road if I stayed and I hated what I saw. At this point I was driving the kids everywhere, doing the shopping, cooking & cleaning and working 2 jobs and very unhappy. If there is another adult in the house that person should be helping out with these things. I go to court on Thursday for Temporary Orders and hopefully the judge will give him a deadline to move out. It is amazing to me what I slowly over the years accepted in my daily life.
A SeaBird Living LandLocked
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Smack Dab Right in the Middle of the U.S.A.
Posts: 238
Originally Posted by Cynay
Why did I stay????? Which time?
The first time I stayed because it was all I knew. I was raised with the disease and though I knew it was not right and I was not happy, I was not convienced that life was supose to be happy... As I got help here and there is when I realized how unhealthy/dysfunctional it really was.
Then my daughter was born............. There is nothing in the world that has ever changed me like her birth.... That is when I hit the intense theraphy, I knew I could not raise a functional child because I did not know what functional was. After 2 years I not only came to the realization that he would not grow up, would not stop drinking and I was a single parent anyway.... I still did not leave... Two things did it for me.
1. Since I could not do it for myself, I asked myself (great therapist) is this good enough for my daughter. If she were married, living in this situation what would I say to her.... then comes the understanding that in staying myself Im teaching her by my actions that his abuse/alcoholism is acceptable and I cound not accept that.
2. When during one extreem fight.... I looked into his drunk eyes and swear I saw satan himself. I knew in the moment that he would/could kill me.... no it has not gotten to that point, but it would have.
BUTTTTT....
That did not stop me from getting intangled with another Alcoholic, the one that brought me to Ala-non... This time I did not have my daughter with me.... and I forgot to ask the question about it being good enough for her. In this last case all I can say is .... God did for me what I would/could not do for myself.... guess he just showed me mercy and the Alcoholic left me. After lying, cheating more then once, verbal abuse, instability, I still did not find "my" bottom.
Im glad today I dont have to search for my bottom anymore.
The first time I stayed because it was all I knew. I was raised with the disease and though I knew it was not right and I was not happy, I was not convienced that life was supose to be happy... As I got help here and there is when I realized how unhealthy/dysfunctional it really was.
Then my daughter was born............. There is nothing in the world that has ever changed me like her birth.... That is when I hit the intense theraphy, I knew I could not raise a functional child because I did not know what functional was. After 2 years I not only came to the realization that he would not grow up, would not stop drinking and I was a single parent anyway.... I still did not leave... Two things did it for me.
1. Since I could not do it for myself, I asked myself (great therapist) is this good enough for my daughter. If she were married, living in this situation what would I say to her.... then comes the understanding that in staying myself Im teaching her by my actions that his abuse/alcoholism is acceptable and I cound not accept that.
2. When during one extreem fight.... I looked into his drunk eyes and swear I saw satan himself. I knew in the moment that he would/could kill me.... no it has not gotten to that point, but it would have.
BUTTTTT....
That did not stop me from getting intangled with another Alcoholic, the one that brought me to Ala-non... This time I did not have my daughter with me.... and I forgot to ask the question about it being good enough for her. In this last case all I can say is .... God did for me what I would/could not do for myself.... guess he just showed me mercy and the Alcoholic left me. After lying, cheating more then once, verbal abuse, instability, I still did not find "my" bottom.
Im glad today I dont have to search for my bottom anymore.
BUTTTTTT..... The pool of men seems to becoming more and more polluted, doesn't it. I ran out of patience and tolerance and just stopped looking. I've been alone now for 17 years and I came to the realization that I LIKE being alone. I take BETTER care of myself now than I EVER did when I lived with a man, married or otherwise.
I live at half the poverty level finacially NOW but I have more for MYSELF now than when I lived with a husband who made over $100,000. a year. I wasn't allowed any personal Freedoms. I WAS a DoorMat thanks to a terrible childhood. I see it all clearly now the further I get from it. I just wasn't strong enough to live in a constant battle for control. It wore me down and made me sick and weak. That's when I fell victim to alcoholism myself.
A SeaBird Living LandLocked
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Smack Dab Right in the Middle of the U.S.A.
Posts: 238
Both my husbands were active alcoholics and funtioning. That gave them the right to control everything since they made the money. I didn't realize the tightrope they were walking. Things had to stay the way they were or they'd fall so for me to stay was a life or death situation for them, or so they thought. Things had to stay exactly as they were. neither of them could possible go into detox or go to AA, neither of them had the probelm, it was ALL ME.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
