JenT1968

Hi All,
Havn’t been here in a while, have been reading the forum constantly though which I have found very useful, and a lifeline at times. I have a lot going round and round in my head so sorry, this is going to be long…

I have a couple of questions that I could do with some insight from others on.

I am thankfully no longer obsessing about getting my H to drink responsibly/not at all, he has finally proved, to a point that even I cannot ignore anymore, that for the moment this is beyond his desire/ability and that I cannot affect it at all.

No need to get into how/why right now, but I know that I want to leave. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be absolutely fine without him. I am content and happy when I am not around him. I am far more lonely within this marriage than I could be if I was without any human contact, and not living with him would let me pursue the things that I find make me happy and work on my human faults and frailties without the demands of living with someone who I rarely see sober and can only interact with on an extremely superficial level, less even than I would interact with a work acquaintance and doing this day in day out is draining.

However, for a number of reasons I have chosen to stay until September. This is my choice and it is (on the surface at least) for a number of very grown-up, responsible, reasons. I know underlying this, though, that even if the good reasons were not there I would be hesitating to make the move now, and this has resulted in me obsessing about whether I should leave now, or in September, or later or…..

It consumes me, minute by minute, day in day out. So how do I stop?????

kglast

i believe you will know when it is right for you to leave...it is a big step and once it is right, you won't second guess yourself....you could wait for September....but there will always be something/or there will always be a "better" time. you can't save him, but you can save yourself....

WantsOut

Momentum is hard to build and hard to break. You've generated a bunch of it and now you want to control it, but you might find that you can't wait that long anymore.

It's hard not to bolt for the open gate.

chero

Oh, Sweetie, It sounds like you've made your decision. Ask yourself how important is this reason you are staying until Sept. Come Sept will there be a reason to wait until December?

Only you know what is right for you. Can you stay "consumed" until September?

dollydo

You have a plan, to me, this is a short term plan, and you can survive till September.

I am a planner, when I left my last husband I had a five year plan, I followed it to a tee, and then I left...it went smoothly.

All I can say is when you make a plan, follow through.

denny57

You know your reasons. September is not that far away. I took quite a few months to put my plan in motion.

Take care of you and keep posting. It isn't easy, but you'll be okay.

((()))

lilac

Yep, you know your reasons.......when it is time, you will know.....and hey, september is really not that far off. My heart goes out to you......

Please keep posting.

FormerDoormat

It might seem to folks here that I just abruptly up and left my boyfriend one day, but I had been planning my break for roughly a year. I spent that year paying off all my debts, taking care of things that needed to be repaired around the house, looking for a better paying job, planning when and learning how to legally ask him to leave my home (I was the sole owner).

September is only a few months away. If staying until September will better position you to go it alone, then by all means stick to your original plan.

Sunflower

yep if you have a ''plan'' for leaving and can stick it out do it--only if it is for the good of you and you are safe.....

JenT1968

Dear all,
thanks,
wow dollydo - five years, how on earth did you stand knowing that it was going to be that long??
practically all of my reasons are financial, I know that it will take me c.18 months to pay off all of my debts, I'm just not sure I can stick this for that long, in september my son starts school full time and my childcare bills will plummet, I should know around that time what my job has been re-graded to (I've only been waiting 2 years so far to find out.....) and I will have paid off enough of my debts that I can survive on my wage as it currenty stands if H decides (as has been the case before) that working is just not his thing and he is unable to contribute to his son's upbringing.

Every month that I stay makes me more financially stable, I'm just not sure I'm getting any more emotionally stable LOL. For those of you that did have a long term plan, how did you prepare mentally? I have identified some of the reasons that have kept me stuck here and I hope worked through them - I know there are a couple of big ones that I have yet to address - my fear of confrontation is a tough one.

and I'm also afraid that right now - I'm fired up, but later I may not be.

Jazzman

For me I couldn't think clearly and consistently until I was out of that situation. The transformation was almost immediate but until then I only had fleeting moments of clarity.

denny57

I focused on my end goal. Used my tools (Al-Anon; therapist; doctor, etc.). Do you journal? It might help to write down, if only for a few minutes a day, what you are going through. It will help remind you, in black and white, when the days of doubt come.

((()))

Sunflower

how do you cope???? by knowing inside what your plan is--smile inside everytime the A pulls their crap--knowing soon they will be out of the picture!!

embraced2000

be sure to sock back any of his money you can possibly get your hands on....trust me....you will feel much better.