bv1979

So my AGF and I are fighting again...this time over a something that I had absolutely no control over...

She again said some very hurtful things....this time, things that I'm not so sure I can forgive...

I can only take the "This is a transitional time in my life, and I get stressed really easily and say things I don't mean" apology so many times before I'm numb to it...

I guess I don't have a point to this post, other than to vent...

I feel sick to my stomach...she accuses me of not being fair because I don't do things that I OFFER to do, and she turns down the help with...and then accuses me of not giving me her space when she needs it, after she had said earlier that she was looking forward to spending the evening with me...

I can't take the double standards anymore...

I think I'm done...

Sunflower

Give it time..baby steps--try not to take to heart everything she says--it is a difficult time for her-and if you are living with her it won't be fun for you either.In one ear and out the other--unless it is more than you can bear--have you thought about going to meetings or a counsellor together??

SaTiT

sorry your going through that bv1979

been there...I know what you mean.

it's a codi/alki cycle and it gets worse and worse.
I wish there's schematic i can link to u, that has it as co-dependency
The closest thing to it is an abussive relationship cycle.
You can google it under male/female...it's the same chart
just the word men/women are inter changeable.

emotional detachment or seperation is the step to take to
break the cycle. The alternative is to hit an emotional bottom
for the codi...Unfortunately i took the harder route.
I hit bottom....becuase I felt like I going to dy if i detach.

mmm i thought i was done...many, many times.

MsGolightly

i too thought i was done MANY times but always came back, until i did finally hit my bottom.

there just comes a point when we can't take it anymore and we realize it's time to move on...

i'm sorry for your pain, bv. i'll be thinking of you.

Cynay

One thing that I have discovered is often the issues and emotional chaos get worse when they are not drinking.... or maybe it just seems that way to me.

This is a hard time for her, Im sure it must be really hard to deal with emotions after numbing them all the time. Im not even convienced that they understand what they are thinking, feeling, wanting.

However that does not mean that we need to be punching bags for there emotional chaos.... That does not mean we lay down and let them wipe their feet and not take care of us... In fact I think it is more important then ever to take care of us and protect ourselves when they are riding wild on that rollercoaster ride.

I tend to be too tolerant and let the people I love the most keep me in that ride.... but I think what happens is we become someone we dont want to be and start loosing respect for ourselves. They can keep doing it and loose respect for us as well. There comes a time when I just have to say NO... this hurts and Im not going to keep letting myself hurt. I will not participate in your drama when there is no growth, and just detach, walk away and refuse to participate. I can still love them, when they get it together I can still be with them, when they are ready for love and growth I can participate then... but If I stop letting them do this to me, maybe they will get the message and stop doing it.

appleblaster

sickening isn't it?

I'm sorry you're going through this but it really seems you've got a good head on your shoulders BV. Someone once told me that if its laden with too much difficulty then its not meant to be.

When i'm faced with stuff like this I ask my HP to bless it or block it. No matter what spirituality you follow, it causes you to stop and think. I know it works for me.

Be cool....everything will be okay.

Rella927

Cynay "One thing that I have discovered is often the issues and emotional chaos get worse when they are not drinking.... or maybe it just seems that way to me. "

This is so true! BV so sorry you are going through this....I remember the feeling of feeling ok he has it this time things are better and the chaos has stopped then BAM out of no where the hurtful words (One I remember oh to well "Why don't you go dig up your husband in his grave and crawl in with him and make a baby-he probably died because of you anyway") Now hmmmm then I was in tears-now if he said I have to just step back and say wow he really is not working the program and is really just as ill when he is drinking! That was without the drinking he said this and other things!

I as many in here know where you are coming from BV (((BIG HUGS))) hang in there if you can or run the other way as fast as you can. YOU are the one who has to feel if you can go through this with as everyone has said baby steps or you have to feel enough is enough and your not going to live this way. As Cynay stated trust me and others it only gets worse.....and as InThisForMe stated along with myself it is up to you when it is time to move on...

Take care of you hon!

bv1979

So after I posted last night, I was reading through some Al-Anon literature that I picked up at the meeting, and found myself praying for guidance...

That's when my phone rang, and it was my best friend who lives on the other side of the country from me. Granted, he called to talk about the Warriors and their prospects of winning the game last night and going to the playoffs for the first time in 13 years (which they won, and they are, so YAY!!!), but he quickly heard in my voice that basketball was the farthest thing from my thought process.

I told him about the situation, told him about the things she said to me, and in the end, He asked two questions...

"Do you love her?"

I responded with "of course I do," to which he followed up with "and do you know in your heart that she loves you?"

My answer, unequivicolly, was "yes."

That's when he reminded me of all of the ******** I put up with when I was married - a marriage I felt trapped into because of a pregnancy, and a marriage that I had no love in - and said "If you could put up with all of your ex-wife's ******** for 5 years and not love her, I know you've got it in you to see this thing through - because this WILL get better in the long run, and I've never heard you talk about a woman the way you talk about her."

And in the end, he was right. The things that I went through with my ex-wife make some of the things my AGF does seem like child's play. Granted, I only put up with my ex's garbage as long as I did because of my son...so in a way, that WAS out of love too - just for him, not her...

So then I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and the speaker's topic was on our HP. I took a lot from that meeting, and actually felt much more comfortable in that one than I did in the one I went to last week - however I'm going to go back to that meeting again tonight - so far I've only gone on nights when I felt like I was at rock bottom. I don't feel that way this morning...

I was on my way home from the meeting, and she called me while practically in tears. I can tell she had been crying, and she had tried to call me during the meeting as well, so I think she thought I was ignoring her. She started by asking if I was okay, and then started apologizing - but this time it wasn't the cookie cutter apology that I've gotten in the past. I really felt like she meant it...because she addressed specific issues rather than just blanketing the entire thing with "this is a tough time"...

Then she asked where I was, and I told her that I had just gotten home (which is a good half hour away). She thought I had gone back to my office, so in turn thought I would be passing by her if I were on my way home, because she said "There are times when I need my space...and I know I need to just tell you instead of play these games and get mad and be mean about it - but the thing is, I only need a couple of hours at a time. Once I've had some time to myself, I find myself wanting you here again...and I wanted you here tonight."

Maybe I really am a sucker...but the tone of her voice caused me to get right back in my car and drive back to her.

I feel like as strong as a person as she is, I need to remember that this is still a very fragile time in her life, and that I need to consider it more and not react as much as I do when she becomes overwhelmed with her emotions. She really IS learning how to feel them and express them again, and I do understand that.

But I don't know...there's still the little nagging voice in my head saying "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

But the bigger, stronger voice usually yells back "Because I'm in love with her"...

Sometimes I still wonder which voice I should truly listen to...

MsGolightly

bv - i'm glad that things are working out for you...

in my situation, i needed to learn that loving her from afar was the best thing for me. of course, i'll always love her. that's why i stayed in the relationship so long. until my dying day, i know that i will absolutely love her. but i started to realize that i really needed to love myself. that no sane person who truly valued themselves and life would have let the drama in our relationship continue for as long as it had.

everyone is different, clearly, and i'm glad that you're here, keeping your mind open and recognizing that things may not always turn up so rosy. your friend that called you is right to a point - if you love her, you're going to put up with a lot, but there's no guarantee that things are going to get better... and that's the honest truth, not trying to be mean at all. it's a progressive disease, and i think that as long as you know that, you'll keep that in the back of your mind. who knows, just thinking out loud here

Cynay

Ahhhhh sweetie...

That one is easy to answer..... and I sure hope I get this right.....

Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest of these is Love.

There is a difference between "both" people trying, her in sobriety and your codependence, in trying to make the relationship work .... There is Hope in that. Trying to work in an active Alcoholic lifestyle or only one trying usually sucks the faith/hope from the relationship. There is no reason to stop trying to safe your marriage. It sounds like you both love each other and want the marriage to work.... If you were done trying, you would know it

I dont know about you, but I rarely find that type of love, love of the whole heart for another.... Now that is an amazing gift.

bv1979

Well I appreciate the kind words...but just to clear things up, we are not married...she is my girlfriend...one that I've been through a lot with over the course of almost two years...

I'm not sure what you mean by saying an "active alcoholic" lifestyle, as she just passed her 6 month sobriety birthday. There's an outside influence that is making this much more difficult than it ever should be, and it's her compassion for that person that is putting the unnecessary stress on our relationship. I think she realizes that now, and is ready to do what is best for herself and that outside influence, which is to cut all ties completely.

But yes...I've never loved someone the way I love her - and that's why I'm willing to put up with a little more than maybe I would have with past relationships (with the exception of my ex wife - my son was the reason for that as I said above).

We'll be okay...it's just nice to have a place to vent when things get a little rough going...