Tenderheart

Having been caught up in the downspiral of being the parent of an alcoholic, watching your AS turn into some sort of demonic creation; reading all the nasty e-mails and hearing all the ugly phone messages --things said and done, he has the gaul to ask you for help -- to run errands and such as if he never broke your heart a thousand times. The threats, the things implied and spoken that you never thought you'd hear in your lifetime of being a mom; all the F-you's. Most recently, the nasty phone message about not being invited over for Easter and the threat that the same will be done to you on Mother's Day. I find myself, desenthsized, hoping I don't have to be with him on M's day; don't call/don't care. This is not me. Where has the love gone for this person to whom I gave life? The heart/gut wrenching sadness about watching all this unfold is sometimes more than I can bear and I cry out to God often to restore my love and bring my AS to an end to himself. It has aged me, depleted my inner resources, stolen my joy for today and tomorrow, and the hits just keep coming. So now I find myself stone cold, without empathy or sympathy, and running as fast as I can in the other direction. I can't conceive that this is where I have to remain in order to cope with someone else's disease. I fear I shall never see the real person behind the diesase ever again, as he doesn't want help. At least in death there is finality and closure. But this... I can't do anything to change the direction of the ship he is on. He is floating aimlessly out to sea and I'm standing on the shoreline just watching it all happen.

LGLG07

i hve no words to comfort you . my alcoholic is my husband but i have a son who is 6 and to look at him, he is so angelic and pure , but to think that some day he can become an alcoholic himself tears my heart out . watching your spouse throw their life away is one thing but to sit by and watch your child is something completely different .
there is nothing that you can do to help him . i pray that he wants to recover one day soon and realizes the impact his actions have had on you and can fully take responsibility for them and make amends .
thank you for sharing

Seeking Wisdom

Tenderheart

So sad to hear about your heart breaking situation. Addiction is a cruel disease that can turn those we care about into somebody we don't even recognize. Only time will tell is your son will come back to you as the person you once knew. At the very least, time can sometimes soften their hearts even while struggling with addiction. All you can do is love them and hope they find their way back to us clean and sober.

Keep reading there is much to be learned here.

Sunflower

i have tried to respong to you several times and the site went poof and my note to you was gone---I too have said those words''better off dead'' never thought I would see the day...but I did..
They damage a part of us that never recovers I think--the shame-the lies-the pain--it doesnt just disappear--we are left scarred--even if they become sober.
Did I ever imagine one day my AS would grow up to be a hostile angry man--no--that he would be able to raise his hand to me and hit me?NO to say things to me I can't even print here?NO to litterally leave me laying on the ground when I fell off my crutches and step over me ?NO
I have given up on what anyone thinks anymore---friends-neighbors--they all leave you.So hard to hear about other kids who are living a good life and see and hear their parents stories of how proud they are...
I was a good mother--and I did it alone--what happened=and how much can we take?It is like watching them die--and it leaves us helpless--you look in those eyes and you know you have lost them--they are already gone.....My AS has been sober for 1/2 year and I did see''him''again--so have faith it is possible--but the pain runs sooooo deep I don't think it ever heals--sometimes I wish I was dead so I didnt have to deal with it all anymore....

Nuudawn

Thank you for your post. You have articulated your struggle so painfully well. It must be so incredibly difficult when it is your child. In the end, your only option is to salvage yourself in the wreckage. It is too painful to watch. I am so sorry for your pain.

Tenderheart

Dear Sunflower: I can't thank you enough for your perseverance in getting your response to me. You, too, have articulated so well the pain that is inside of me and as you said, that never goes away. My husband went to see him today - he has no plans for what he's gonig to do when the money runs out. Told my husband he would just probably go out and buy enough booze to kill himself. Like you, I felt I was the best mom I knew how to be - he grew up in church - my husband is a pastor - go figure. Ultimately, we can't blame ourselves for their choices. Whatever drove him to this state is by his own doing. We serve a God that is able to deliver us from anything as long as we're willing. And, that is the clincher - he's not ready, not willing. Thanks again for your time and your empathy in my regard.

Sunflower

I just could feel your pain coming through--and it felt so much like my own...My AS even went to a private Christain school--he is well versed under all the alcohol--but says now he doesn't believe any of it.I always knew life would be hard for him without a father so I wanted to root him in the faith that there is always Hope-he doesn't feel it--he runs from it actually. It is whats calling him and he won't accept it--in time I hope he can come to a place of peace.I wish the same for your son,,,stay strong and be thankful you have your husband in this awful mess.I am so jumpy even with mine sober-the UPS man rang the door bell and I almost rocketed out into space---wears you down--it never ends--hard to lose that pain and anxiety.I am praying for you..if that helps--I am not sure the HP is walking right beside me at this point

justjo

QUOTE; I can't do anything to change the direction of the ship he is on. He is floating aimlessly out to sea and I'm standing on the shoreline just watching it all happen.


I feel for you honey. I have been here too with my son but with drugs. Now I am doing the same with my alcoholic sister. I really understand, its so hard just watching. Hang in there though...... my son finally came through after 6 years. How it happened was I turned my back on him and he ended up basically living off the streets. This almost destroyed me but Im so glad I did it. He is now living with me for over one year now and there still are days I dont like him but many days I can see the son I knew.

I am there for him but only in a positive way now. When he talks badly, I just tell him he knows where the door is.

The pain you put yourself through by shutting them out, is better than the pain you go through enabling them.

Love to you.

BigGirlPanties

Instead of standing on the shore to watch, Im learning to turn around and look at all thats on land...waiting for ME to live.

Hard to do...but MUST do.

Hang in there

Tenderheart

Dear JustJo: Your message brought me much encouragement this morning. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

BigSis

(((Tenderheart)))) Both my kids are addicts, and when my precious little girl was at her worst, I thought I also would never see "her" again.

A couple things helped me....

I went to open AA and open NA meetings, and I also got AA speaker tapes (you can type "AA speaker tape" into google to get a list of places to buy them). Listening to SOBER addicts tell how far DOWN they got and what it was like helped me very much. I needed to hear that no matter how terrible it looked from this side, it was still survivable.

The other thing I did was to separate the addict from the addiction. Your loving, kind and goodhearted son did not tell you to "F off". That was the ADDICTION speaking. You son is there, beneath the addiction and will return one day.

Alanon helped me to learn what I needed to do in order to preserve ME ...so that one day, when my kids "came back", they would still have a loving, caring mom to come back to.

I wish you the best and hope you can find some meetings in your area. ((hugs))

parentrecovers

oh, this is such a great thread. i learn and grow every time i visit here. thank you, k

justjo

Anytime Tenderheart.
Some people may make it. I learnt the hard way with my son. I had no help either. Today at 23 he tells me everyday he loves me with a hug. Before this he said horrible things. You do heal, slowly, probably never forget but you can forgive and love again.

Sunflower

YES love never fails----

Tenderheart

Dear BigSis: I so appreciate your insight into seeing the man behind the addiction. It does, however, make for a bad relationship in the interim, as we cannot even talk without getting into it. My pulling away from him has been for my health and sanity, but he interprets it otherwise and continues to be very angry and nasty spirited towards me. Told me last week "we're finished." The sad part is, I'm much better off mentally and otherwise when I don't have contact with him. That's hard to swallow.

Tenderheart

Sunflower: I LOVED your picture - that says it all. Thanks so much