Relationship Advice -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Relationship Advice -
I am struggling in my relationship. I am happy for my bf's sobriety and he seems to have tons of energy to go to daily meetings, meet with friends, etc. The only problem is he says he is too "sick" to work, etc. All the responsibilities of the house and finances have fallen on my shoulder. If I complain, he explodes, and says I am not supporting his sobriety. I am attending Alanon, but I am really over this lack of responsibility. I really could use some advice on how to encourage and not nag. But I am getting super bummed. I don't want to be a fool either.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry you are having trouble, in my opinion, you are not responsible for taking care of all the financial responsibilities while he goes to meetings. i think that he is doing what he's allowed to do. you may not be able to make him go to work, but you do have a right to want him to be responsible for himself.
i worked a full time job, went to meetings and cared for the household and the kids. maybe its time to think about what you want out of this relationship and what do you want for your life. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i worked a full time job, went to meetings and cared for the household and the kids. maybe its time to think about what you want out of this relationship and what do you want for your life. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
Oh, how I feel your pain! I was just posting about the same issue on here last week...I got a lot of helpful feedback (you might be able to find my thread...I think the title was "Work: The Final Frontier").
I finally had to give my husband a date for his return to work and let him know that if he didn't get back to work, he wasn't going to be able to continue living in our home. It isn't your job to take care of him. And boy, is it hard to detach and do all the helpful things your learning in your program when you find yourself filled with rage every day when you come home to find him sitting around, having done nothing. Grrrrrrr!
My husband did go back to work, and then promptly relapsed. I think there was an element of wanting to teach me a lesson about making him go to work.
The only positive thing I can think of, after a weekend of bawling my eyes out about this mess, is that I continue, day by day and bit by bit, to get stronger. I am realizing that I can't control him, and more and more, it seems like this relationship is a tremendous drain on all my resources (financial, emotional, physical--everything). I don't know how much more I can take, and it makes me very angry that he has set up this dichotomy of either him working and using or sitting home and being clean. I know some of the women that I have met in my meetings were able to tolerate their husbands being at home--they felt that if their men needed time to get their heads together and work on being sober, then they could support them. I think some of these folks are in a better financial situation than I'm in, and so it was hard to listen to them encouraging me to support my husband.
If you're living with your bf, then you probably are living in a place that has 2-person bills. Without him, you could get a roommate or otherwise find a way to supplement your income and cover your expenses. I overdrew my checking account $300 last month, just to cover the bills because he's not been pulling his weight.
With all the stress that they put us through with their using, all the patience we give them in recovery, it's not unreasonable for you to want him to pull his weight.
Whew--that was a rant. I told you I feel your pain!
I finally had to give my husband a date for his return to work and let him know that if he didn't get back to work, he wasn't going to be able to continue living in our home. It isn't your job to take care of him. And boy, is it hard to detach and do all the helpful things your learning in your program when you find yourself filled with rage every day when you come home to find him sitting around, having done nothing. Grrrrrrr!
My husband did go back to work, and then promptly relapsed. I think there was an element of wanting to teach me a lesson about making him go to work.
The only positive thing I can think of, after a weekend of bawling my eyes out about this mess, is that I continue, day by day and bit by bit, to get stronger. I am realizing that I can't control him, and more and more, it seems like this relationship is a tremendous drain on all my resources (financial, emotional, physical--everything). I don't know how much more I can take, and it makes me very angry that he has set up this dichotomy of either him working and using or sitting home and being clean. I know some of the women that I have met in my meetings were able to tolerate their husbands being at home--they felt that if their men needed time to get their heads together and work on being sober, then they could support them. I think some of these folks are in a better financial situation than I'm in, and so it was hard to listen to them encouraging me to support my husband.
If you're living with your bf, then you probably are living in a place that has 2-person bills. Without him, you could get a roommate or otherwise find a way to supplement your income and cover your expenses. I overdrew my checking account $300 last month, just to cover the bills because he's not been pulling his weight.
With all the stress that they put us through with their using, all the patience we give them in recovery, it's not unreasonable for you to want him to pull his weight.
Whew--that was a rant. I told you I feel your pain!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I wonder what his sponsor says to that idea of not working?
Perhaps he and you could take a break while he focuses on recovery. His responsibilty will be to find a place to stay. Yours will be to live a good and happy life.
Sobriety and Recovery are about learning to live in the world sober. That means, living life on life's terms. And one of those terms, is we are self supporting.
He is still talking like an addict - no surprise in early recovery.
If you haven't tried Alanon, now would be an EXCELLENT time. ((hugs))
Perhaps he and you could take a break while he focuses on recovery. His responsibilty will be to find a place to stay. Yours will be to live a good and happy life.
Sobriety and Recovery are about learning to live in the world sober. That means, living life on life's terms. And one of those terms, is we are self supporting.
He is still talking like an addict - no surprise in early recovery.
If you haven't tried Alanon, now would be an EXCELLENT time. ((hugs))
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Venus,
I go to meetings, too, and I'm just going to tell you what you'd probably hear from folks at my meeting.
Someone would say, "Seems to me that as long as you take over his responsibility re the house and bills, he has NO incentive to get in there and do it himself."
If you complain, he explodes. Sure he does. He wants to manipulate you in order to keep it going his way ... working his recovery but not working to take care of his share of the responsibilities.
A wise, wise, WISE woman who has been attending Al Anon for 30 years said that nothing changed at her house until she decided she was stopping with the enabling. She decided she would no longer pay the bills, no longer makes excuses for the husband. When she did, things got worse. BUT...hold on....good news is coming.
But the bad times had to happen in order for her husband to realize that HE'D BETTER start living life on life's terms or else he was going to lose everything, including her.
Folks at my meetings would probably share with you how things got better when they quit taking on the addict's/alcoholic's responsibilities. I know that is true for my household and addict.
Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I go to meetings, too, and I'm just going to tell you what you'd probably hear from folks at my meeting.
Someone would say, "Seems to me that as long as you take over his responsibility re the house and bills, he has NO incentive to get in there and do it himself."
If you complain, he explodes. Sure he does. He wants to manipulate you in order to keep it going his way ... working his recovery but not working to take care of his share of the responsibilities.
A wise, wise, WISE woman who has been attending Al Anon for 30 years said that nothing changed at her house until she decided she was stopping with the enabling. She decided she would no longer pay the bills, no longer makes excuses for the husband. When she did, things got worse. BUT...hold on....good news is coming.
But the bad times had to happen in order for her husband to realize that HE'D BETTER start living life on life's terms or else he was going to lose everything, including her.Folks at my meetings would probably share with you how things got better when they quit taking on the addict's/alcoholic's responsibilities. I know that is true for my household and addict.
Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
I wish I had the nerve to send this to my AS. He is living in a Halfway house and going to school 3/4 time but I really think he should work too! I don't want to undermine his recovery since he spends many hrs a week at meetings and taking others to meetings. And I don't want to imply that is less important than working, but supporting him is wearing me out!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I completely understand where you are coming from and I, too, am trying to heed the advice of those who have left you words of wisdom in this post.
My r(?)abf took off two days from work to adjust to his intensive outpatient and see his doctor and new therapist. Because his job is heavily "weather dependent" he did not work the three days prior to that. Thus no paycheck for the week. This left me in quite a pickle -- I did not want to see him starve, yet another part of me said "I will not support him or enable his irresponsibility." But begrudgingly, instead of letting him starve I gave him money for cigarettes and bought him food- in very small amounts.
I know your situation is a bit different as you are faced with him not working at all- bearing the financial burden is a pressure, not to mention stressful and breeds resentment in more ways than one. While we WANT our addicts to put everything into their recovery, we also have been told that we are not responsible for their recovery. When finances become tangled in this, it is hard to separate what WE are and ARE NOT responsible for. Are we suppose to support them while we have no say in anything else? It's hard.
I don't know which forum it is on, but one day in a bout of me spinning my wheels and trying to accumulate every sticky of inspiration for an addict on this site AND print it out and give it to my bf-- I stumbled across a sticky that is entitled "personal responsibility" it is helpful for US to untangle what we are responsible for, but it also helps put what our addicts are responsible for in another light so we are able to see that it is NOT OUR job to support them. They should have a healthy goal of working towards integrating themselves back into society and securing a job that can help them contribute financially.
My r(?)abf took off two days from work to adjust to his intensive outpatient and see his doctor and new therapist. Because his job is heavily "weather dependent" he did not work the three days prior to that. Thus no paycheck for the week. This left me in quite a pickle -- I did not want to see him starve, yet another part of me said "I will not support him or enable his irresponsibility." But begrudgingly, instead of letting him starve I gave him money for cigarettes and bought him food- in very small amounts.
I know your situation is a bit different as you are faced with him not working at all- bearing the financial burden is a pressure, not to mention stressful and breeds resentment in more ways than one. While we WANT our addicts to put everything into their recovery, we also have been told that we are not responsible for their recovery. When finances become tangled in this, it is hard to separate what WE are and ARE NOT responsible for. Are we suppose to support them while we have no say in anything else? It's hard.
I don't know which forum it is on, but one day in a bout of me spinning my wheels and trying to accumulate every sticky of inspiration for an addict on this site AND print it out and give it to my bf-- I stumbled across a sticky that is entitled "personal responsibility" it is helpful for US to untangle what we are responsible for, but it also helps put what our addicts are responsible for in another light so we are able to see that it is NOT OUR job to support them. They should have a healthy goal of working towards integrating themselves back into society and securing a job that can help them contribute financially.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
You were not put on this earth to support someone else (a partner, adult child or friend) in your house who is not financially responsible for their share of the expenses.
Your job is to take care of you, not to take care of him. He is a big boy and needs to be a responsible adult. This means managing to be financially responsible, regardless of his recovery.
If you are not strong enough to give him a deadline for working and the result of not working by that deadline is to move out, then you can start by shutting off the money and things money buys. Does he have a cell phone you are paying for? Shut it off. How about the Cable TV? If you don't need it, neither does he. Food? Buy enough for only you and cook only for you. Second phone line? You can only use one at a time... Heat and Air Conditioning? Well, they can be shut way down (or off) while you are at work. Second Car? If he is not working, then turn in the plates and cancel the insurance. He can get his own.
I recall when my Ex decided to move out and quit paying for his part of things. I changed the Cable to Broadcast band (saved me about $30 a month) and shut the second phone line (the one he used for the computer) and as soon as the credit card balance on the card in his name was paid off, I cancelled it. He had a fit. Screamed and yelled.. and it was about that time I found his grow room and came back to SR.. and learned this is all of what addicts do.. and 4 months later found out he was cheating too.
He is gone. I am much better off these days, financially and emotionally.
Your job is to take care of you, not to take care of him. He is a big boy and needs to be a responsible adult. This means managing to be financially responsible, regardless of his recovery.
If you are not strong enough to give him a deadline for working and the result of not working by that deadline is to move out, then you can start by shutting off the money and things money buys. Does he have a cell phone you are paying for? Shut it off. How about the Cable TV? If you don't need it, neither does he. Food? Buy enough for only you and cook only for you. Second phone line? You can only use one at a time... Heat and Air Conditioning? Well, they can be shut way down (or off) while you are at work. Second Car? If he is not working, then turn in the plates and cancel the insurance. He can get his own.
I recall when my Ex decided to move out and quit paying for his part of things. I changed the Cable to Broadcast band (saved me about $30 a month) and shut the second phone line (the one he used for the computer) and as soon as the credit card balance on the card in his name was paid off, I cancelled it. He had a fit. Screamed and yelled.. and it was about that time I found his grow room and came back to SR.. and learned this is all of what addicts do.. and 4 months later found out he was cheating too.
He is gone. I am much better off these days, financially and emotionally.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
it's all about balance, and my daughter struggles with it also in her recovery - managing money, getting paperwork done, meeting deadlines. she is starting this week with a new addiction therapist, and i hope he/she can help her with these issues. i think aa for my daughter and alanon for me are great, and i am grateful for both everyday. combined with private counseling to deal with other issues - even better! blessings, k
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
A person in my Al Anon group gave me a great definition for codependency. Goes like this:
Co-dependency is doing things for other people that they could do for themselves.
Pretty self explanatory, huh? Hit me right between the eyes.
Co-dependency is doing things for other people that they could do for themselves.
Pretty self explanatory, huh? Hit me right between the eyes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Thank you for the kind support. I had a talk with him, he talked about going to a sober living house, and I told him if he wanted to do that I understood. Also, I said if he lives there he has to pay rent, buy food, work, clean the house, etc. and really no different than home. He says he feels overwhelmed trying to work the program, etc. which I am sure it is...but I don't like feeling manipulated that all this falls on my shoulders. It makes me feel if I had a serious illness tomorrow he would hit the road. I am working the Alanon program and slowly setting up boundaries. Trying to focus on my life and be supportive at the same time. I love him very much but this sobriety stuff is one tough road to travel.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Venus,
Good for you. Working the Al Anon program is great. Just remind yourself of Step One, that you are powerless over him and his recovery.
Taking care of you IS the best thing to do right now. You can be supportive and take care of yourself at the same time. Supportive and supportING are not the same thing. See? SupportING is draining you. Supportive is you will give him the dignity to let him recover in his own way. And recovering means becoming responsible. And if you take his responsibilty away from him, you are cheating him of learning a lesson that has to be learned by everyone ... living life on life's terms.
Make sense? I hope so. You hang in there and take healthy care of YOU.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Good for you. Working the Al Anon program is great. Just remind yourself of Step One, that you are powerless over him and his recovery.
Taking care of you IS the best thing to do right now. You can be supportive and take care of yourself at the same time. Supportive and supportING are not the same thing. See? SupportING is draining you. Supportive is you will give him the dignity to let him recover in his own way. And recovering means becoming responsible. And if you take his responsibilty away from him, you are cheating him of learning a lesson that has to be learned by everyone ... living life on life's terms.
Make sense? I hope so. You hang in there and take healthy care of YOU.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Venusinlibra))))))
Hi. Just wanted to welcome you and let you know I completely undestand.
Been there, done that, as they say.
Take care of you, and keep comin' back.
Hi. Just wanted to welcome you and let you know I completely undestand.
Been there, done that, as they say.
Take care of you, and keep comin' back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
Venus~
It may be hard for you now if he lives but in the long run you will become a much stronger person.
I think it is a great thing for him to go to a sober house because it is all on him. it might be easier for you because that means there is on less oerosn for you to worry about.
peace and love
It may be hard for you now if he lives but in the long run you will become a much stronger person.
I think it is a great thing for him to go to a sober house because it is all on him. it might be easier for you because that means there is on less oerosn for you to worry about.
peace and love
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