sthrnraizd

So after 15 months of staying with my boyfriend who had a hidden drinking issue which he says led to the other things he did like online chatrooms, and looking for others while drunk. Finally went for his treatment asseesment Friday and that very evening broke up with me saying he cant handle all of my drama. He didnt like it if I expressed any emotion on how his issues have and did effect our relationship. He wanted me to just calmly take it all in stride while he did nothing but lie, cheat, hide, etc. I believed in staying till the relationship just couldnet go anymore. And if he got treatment then we could have the relationship we wanted and I could enjoy the comapny of the man I saw under all the crap. I hate divorce, I hate it that people jump from oneperson to the next when things go bad. But after all the time I put into this, he broke up and never even told me how the assessment went? I feel so cheated! Hurt-devastated etc. He wont even return a call, a text message, anything. Its like I am dead to him now.....and in all the pain and utmiol he caused in our relationship I know have to deal with him casting me aside as his last act in our relationship.......so confused and hurt.

LGLG07

im so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way . i know it hurts after all you have done for him to have 'him' break up with 'you' ! how dare he ...

with that said , maybe when the smoke clears (give it some time . a week maybe more) you might view this a little differently . perhaps this is one of the 'signs' that we so often overlook because our minds are consumed with fixing whats wrong . maybe its time to let go and believe that this is a way of saving you from further pain with this person . of all that you went through imagine if the roller coaster ride is just beginning instead of just ending like you think ?? wouldnt you rather be let off now ?

IMO i think you should accept the situation . stop calling and texting . leave him to his recovery and take care of yourself . you will either meet up again if its meant to happen that way , or you will look back on this 'sign' and thank your HP that you were able to see it .

My prayers are with you , healing this broken heart might just save you many more . Try to stay positive . Keep posting

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, sthrnraizd. i'm sorry about all the chaos. have you thought about attending alanon meetings? they really help me. blessings, k

prodigal

He lied to you. He told you conversations about how you felt and your emotions were off limits. He'd get drunk and get into online chatlines to pick up women. With all the lying, who's to say he didn't actually cheat on you?

Why do you think he wanted you to take all this calmlly in stride? Well, as someone who has been married to two alcholics (we call them A's here), I can tell you one thing for sure: they do NOT take responsibility for what they do. It's your fault. It's his parent's fault. It's a problem with how the planets are aligned.

I can understand why you feel cheated and hurt. Just my opinion, but if it were me, I'd be raving mad. He cheated on you and hurt you throughout the relationship. And just because someone gets treatment for their disease doesn't mean they will not continue to treat people like crap. Sobriety is about cleaning up the mind as well as the body.

This guy was abusive to you. He kicked you to the curb and washed his hands of you. He may contact you when - and if - he gets his act together. In the meantime, I think you should count your blessings that he isn't harassing you. Frequently, A's will do that once they realize you're ready to cut ties with them. And the harassment can become pretty bad.

I think you need to examine why you stuck with someone like this. The way you've described him, he doesn't sound like a nice person. The way he dumped you downright stinks. This is not how decent people treat others.

MsGolightly

gosh, your pain sounds so familiar to me, and it will for a lot of us.

give it time, he will come to his senses and he will regret what he said to you - most likely under lots of anger and stress.

but, in the meantime, read up in here and in any material you can find, and decide if this is god's way of letting you off the hook now, or if you were meant for this roller coaster ride. if you love him, let him go. he'll come back to you when he's clean and sober, if your relationship was meant to surpass all of this. it's a mess, it really is, and until he gets some sobriety under his belt, he's going to be very unable to give you the relationship you deserve.

focus on yourself, take bubble baths, sit outside in the sun and read (although, seattle... does it ever stop raining there??), do things you enjoy. take your mind off of it and don't think about this too much right now, because the pain is unbearable. decide what you want and what you deserve and take steps to get you there... but remember, you can't control what he does or what he says to you.

keep posting! we're here to listen, and you'll feel much better afterwards!

fluffyflea

God, count your blessings, you have a chance to move on with your life instead of being treated like crap the way he was treating you.

Earthworm

Nuudawn

Of course this hurts...you have invested so much of your time, energy and love and now you feel discarded. It is incredibly painful stuff...and endings hurt..especially ones so sudden and unceremonious.

I have been right where you are...I think most of us have at one time or another. A new journey and unexpected adventure has begun.

I'm glad you have found us...there is tremendous insight, wisdom and support here. Please keep reading...keep posting.

WhatAboutME

sthrnraizd, First let me say that I am sorry you are going through this. I know from experience with my own AH how much this hurts. Let him go. I don't mean to sound harsh. He needs time to focus on himself and his recovery. I know it sounds cliche, but if it's meant to be, he'll be back, hopefully clean and sober. I have been with my husband for 11 years and married almost 7 of those years. If I had known then what I know now about alcoholism (progression, rate of relapse, etc.), I would have never married my husband, and I do love him. When he is not drinking, things are great. But those times have become far and few inbetween over the years. After 4 inpatient rehabs, 2 DWIs, too many to count trips to detox/hospital, etc., etc., etc., I am tired - so very tired. I am 35 going on 135. I would not wish my life on my worst enemy. Living with an active alcoholic is hard, as so many here will tell you.

Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. This is a relationship I wouldn't force. Again, I know you're hurting and I know how abandoned you feel right now after all you have done for him. It sucks. Sometimes the "reality" of the life the alcoholic has been living is just too much to deal with, especially during early recovery. But if he's serious about his recovery, I'd bet you'll hear from him again - when he's in a better place, and hopefully you are as well. Big hugs to you.

guyinNC

Thank your stars!! It may not feel like it now, but you are lucky!!!

Now you can find someone who will love you, respect you......and who is not an addict!!!

elizabeth1979

Unless by 'looking for others' you meant he was looking for others to carpool to a meeting with and discuss world peace with, Im assuming its a blessing in disguise (disguised to you that is) bc drunk or not, he sounds like he didnt treat you very well.

It hurts I am sure. Sorry you are hurting.
Stick around

bv1979

I have a feeling once the dust settles, smoke clears, things might be different. Just give him time and allow him to gain some clarity about his situation - but I do have to agree with the others, it sounds like it may be a blessing in disguise...not only for you, but for him as well.

appleblaster

sthrnraizd I know exactly how you feel first hand!!!!

You feel:
betrayed
lost
lonely
scared
like the floor slipped out from under your feet
angry

In time you will come to see that you really have been:
blessed
spared
given a second chance
enlightened

Give him some time. I agree, don't call or text him. Give him the space he needs. If its too hard then is it really worth it? Your Higher Power will either bless or block your relationship and there's a very good reason for that. You must trust in this.

It hurts now but I promise if you post and read here and accept what your Higher Power (HP) is trying to tell you, you'll find out that this man was put in your life for a reason. That reason will come to you in time. Trust in your HP.

We are always here for you. These are the most wonderful people i've ever encountered. They accept you when you are sad, happy, pissed, stressed, at your worst or your best.

Okay, I sound like Dr. Seus.....

MsGolightly

nicely put! it took me a while but i'm starting to see that i was given a second chance and that i have been blessed with everything that's happened. the life i led with my ex isn't one i want back... not when i have a chance for true happiness awaiting my leap of faith.

MTBChick

sthrnraizd - reading your post sounds like we both dated the same guy. I know what your going through and I know how much is sucks. My ex-abf did all the same things that you wrote about...well, except mine let me go through the family component of his out-patient treatment program with him to only break up with me three weeks after finishing. I was devestated. It does get better. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Sunflower

maybe one day you will be thankful for this unanswered prayer--so sorry you are hurting--it is a blessing in diguise

sthrnraizd

LOL, I cry reading each new posting...I know my HP is allowing this to take place. I have been writing a book, "Navigating Life's Valley's" and this one part I've been truly living out...and each part of it gives me a more complete picture to talk about. It has to be a best seller for all the pain it is taking to get it out ;-)

cagefree

I've been exactly where you are right now. I had friends all telling me over and over again what I'm about to tell you:

Don't you dare let him make you think this had anything to do with you.

How easy it is to blame others for our own unhappiness - how adult we have to be to look at our ownership in these things.

Guess he turned in his adult card for awhile - glad to see you're still carying yours.

You'll get through this regardless of how he turns out. I wish I could, for one instant, let you feel the serenity I feel about the similar situation I went through.

My AXBF just tried to call me today for the first time since he said he thought we were "incompatible"...translation "I'm chicken and running away leaving you with crap to clean up". I looked at the number on my cell and smiled knowing my voicemail would be talking to him instead of me...he's calling because he needs me...not this time. I'm spending this energy on me today

Take care of YOU

steve11694

in a way they are akin to being demonically possessed. they do things without really knowing why. usually the things they do are with other alcoholics/addicts as those are the ones they identify with. a non alcoholic is a very boring person after all. my wife of many years became alcoholic and suddenly i was a boring person to her. all the stuff we used to do(that she loved) became of no interest to her. don't take it personally (though we all do at one point). perhaps you gave him something or enabled him. the addicts are living in a fog and are probably not even thinking about their loved ones. when they are together drunk, the conversations are basically worthless (per recovering A's)
it is a world of insanity, literally. unless your BF wants to clean up, you cannot make him.
t
addicts not infrequently choose others in that world over their own children and loved ones. my wife, formerly a great mother, now does not wish to raise her daughter, but to be a party girl alcoholic. again, unless something happens in her life to motivate her to stop drinking i remain POWERLESS.
as do YOU

Sunflower

sit by the bed side of someone going through herion withdrawl--it is demonic....

lillian

hi-i too can relate with what happened to you, and i'm so sorry. i also was dumped abruptly a couple of months after my husband got sober. we were no longer compatible, he said (i'm not a drinker, so i know that he couldn't have meant we weren't compatible any more because of that)-- i had no idea what he meant. he found another woman, and then when that didn't work, sort of came back, until he found another woman. now he wants a divorce. it couldn't feel worse, and i still miss him. the thing is, i can't make him feel the way i want him to-- actually, i have no idea how he feels any more- there's been so much lying, betraying, meanness, guilt, pity-- all i know is that today i'm alone and missing him/wishing for better things from him. but, with the help of other's experience, there is reason to think that what everyone says is true-- that in the long run, we'll be better off not being with someone who is abusive/doesn't respect us/treat us well, and we'll be grateful. it's been months though, and sometimes the progress feels so slow... i wish i were like him and was open to and in another relationship. but i think, how could i? i have so much to straighten out-- then i look at him, and he seems to have just as much if not more to work out, and think-- how does he do it? how could he be in a loving relationship? did he ever love me? arrgh.