Plan B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Plan B
I have heard very often on this board the need to have a "backup plan" aka a "Plan B" - what one will do if their boundaries are violated, etc.
Hoping others can share how they created their own plan B and if they have tips for others who are afraid/not sure how to go about making one. I know finances is a big thing - but besides this...
Hoping others can share how they created their own plan B and if they have tips for others who are afraid/not sure how to go about making one. I know finances is a big thing - but besides this...
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I don't want to be flippant but my "plan A" was that he quit drinking or I was going to quit him. I'm single today and he's about to be sentenced for DWI #3, so we see how that went. Plan b was to follow plan a 
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
the stickie "for abused women" i think had a good outline for a plan b. have you read that yet?
what i did was began to put away little money when possible, money that he had no knowledge, planned what i would do if it came time that i had to go and where i would go. i began to seperate myself emotionally and finaciancially. i prepared myself for leaving just in case i found that i needed to. maybe you can contact the women shelter , lawyers or maybe social services for info, find out your options.
what i did was began to put away little money when possible, money that he had no knowledge, planned what i would do if it came time that i had to go and where i would go. i began to seperate myself emotionally and finaciancially. i prepared myself for leaving just in case i found that i needed to. maybe you can contact the women shelter , lawyers or maybe social services for info, find out your options.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I think it depends on what plan A was all about. When my exabf would make plans to come over and see me, it was always suggested I have a plan B in case he didn't show up........which was usually the case. It took me some time to get it, but eventually I took myself out to the movies, or dinner if he was a no show.
In the case where there is abuse, Teke is right on with the "Abused Women" stickie. I've been through that myself and that stickie Ann posted is a treasure trove of information.
Most of all........if you're dealing with setting and keeping boundaries........say what you mean and mean what you say. Be sure you're ready to stick to your guns when setting a boundary. It's not always easy to remain strong........but that's what you have us for. The support on this forum is amazing and many times I've had to come here to stop me from giving in.........so I know it works.......if we work it of course.
In the case where there is abuse, Teke is right on with the "Abused Women" stickie. I've been through that myself and that stickie Ann posted is a treasure trove of information.
Most of all........if you're dealing with setting and keeping boundaries........say what you mean and mean what you say. Be sure you're ready to stick to your guns when setting a boundary. It's not always easy to remain strong........but that's what you have us for. The support on this forum is amazing and many times I've had to come here to stop me from giving in.........so I know it works.......if we work it of course.
One day at a time...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 42
My plan b was to tell him he had to leave. I've realized that I'm not so crazy when he is not around. My plan B is he does not have to get high to screw up. The minute is stops attending meetings or talking to his sponser I'm finished with him.I have put my life on hold long enough He is now living in a recovery house. He is not allowed to come back and live in my house for 1 year. Time will tell me what is important to him. We still see each other but what he does is up to him. Making him leave was very hard but it felt so good at the same time. I feel like I have my life back. He has all of my support as long as he is on the right track. If he makes a bad choice well... thats his problem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
My plan B was to toss him out. I followed through and for now sticking with it, each day it gets easier. Finances are a big thing, I try not to think of it to much or I get overwhelmed. I have at times picked up additional side jobs. Not easy with 3 kids and working fulltime, but I did
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
HK,
Plan B is always very personal and individual. I think, before we make one, we have to be clear about what the behavior is that we are not willing or able to tolerate.
If we're willing to tolerate anything in the name of keeping the relationship together, then it's easy: there is no Plan B. The addict can do as he pleases, and we accept it, deal with it, live with it, support it with bottomless money and kindness and love. If that sounds acceptable, then there's really no need to have an alternate plan. Perhaps some day, when we've spent a few more years of suffering, then the topic will come back up and perhaps then the time will be right.
But in general, if we are miserable with the way things are going and we genuinely want to move in a positive direction (not just talk about it), I think there are two halves to any Plan B:
What are you not willing to accept any longer? What part of addiction's madness is killing you? That is your trigger point, your boundary that, when crossed, triggers Plan B (example: using, abuse, not getting a job by X date, not going to meetings, stealing, lying)
The second half of Plan B is: how do you plan to protect yourself from this? (example: cut off contact for a time period, cut of economic support, initiate divorce, etc.)
Gotta make sure it's something you're likely to be able to grit your teeth and follow through with.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
GL
Plan B is always very personal and individual. I think, before we make one, we have to be clear about what the behavior is that we are not willing or able to tolerate.
If we're willing to tolerate anything in the name of keeping the relationship together, then it's easy: there is no Plan B. The addict can do as he pleases, and we accept it, deal with it, live with it, support it with bottomless money and kindness and love. If that sounds acceptable, then there's really no need to have an alternate plan. Perhaps some day, when we've spent a few more years of suffering, then the topic will come back up and perhaps then the time will be right.
But in general, if we are miserable with the way things are going and we genuinely want to move in a positive direction (not just talk about it), I think there are two halves to any Plan B:
What are you not willing to accept any longer? What part of addiction's madness is killing you? That is your trigger point, your boundary that, when crossed, triggers Plan B (example: using, abuse, not getting a job by X date, not going to meetings, stealing, lying)
The second half of Plan B is: how do you plan to protect yourself from this? (example: cut off contact for a time period, cut of economic support, initiate divorce, etc.)
Gotta make sure it's something you're likely to be able to grit your teeth and follow through with.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
GL
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