Struggling...
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Struggling...
*EDIT* Oops, I didn't see the relationships thread below...maybe a moderator or admin could move this there if you feel it should be there instead?
Hi all,
I'm glad I found this forum - hopefully I can find some support here.
I'm dating a girl that I've known for well over a year now. We dated off and on last year while she was, unbeknownst to me at the time we started hanging out, in the worst time of her alcoholism. She hid it very well from me at first, but it soon became apparent.
At first though, I thought it was just that she drank too much when we went out, and I just didn't like her personality when she partied, so I pretty much cut her out of my life. We started hanging out again a few months later when she said she had calmed down with her partying, and everything was okay for a little while, until she started drinking more and more when we would hang out again - again, not understanding what was really going on, I cut her off again.
A few months after that, she contacted me and told me she was now sober, and had been in rehab, and was working on almost three months of sobriety. At this point in my life, I had a million and one stresses, but I knew that I really liked this girl when she was sober, so I was willing to give her another chance - and I was fine with the fact that she admitted to being an alcoholic, and was dealing with it. We went out to a place where a bunch of her friends were supposed to be, as well as a friend of hers working as a bouncer there, and I tried to talk her out of it. She said she had no impulses to drink, and just wanted to be in a social situation. Things were okay most of the night, but then I asked her bouncer friend to keep an eye on her while I went to the bathroom. Turns out, he had a problem he had to go deal with, and I came back to find her drinking a beer. Again...at the end of this night...I cut her out of my life because of how she began acting just with the little alcohol she had. I knew that she had a problem, but I just wasn't in a place mentally that I felt like I could help her.
That was 8 months ago. About three months ago, I was walking out of a store and thought I saw her sitting alone at a table in the food area and looked sad. Not wanting any sort of confrontation since I had my son with me, I just quickly exited the store, but then sent her a text message asking if that was her I saw, and also asking if she was alright. Turns out it wasn't her afterall, but we started talking again - on the premise that we would be friends...nothing more, and nothing less. In fact, I still have one of her texts saved, and it reads "right now I just need a good friend."
She told me how she had almost four months sober since the last night we saw each other, and how well she was coming along in her recovery. I also work as a bouncer at a night club, and she wanted to stop by to say hi one night, so she came through with a friend of hers - I kept an eye on her all night, and she didn't so much as look at the bar, and just seemed like she was genuinely happier.
About ten days later, she asked if we could hang out at some point, so I offered to take her out to lunch. At lunch, she was everything that I remembered that I liked about her and more, with none of the negatives. I really felt like I was meeting her for the first time. At the end of lunch, we ended up giving each other a big hug...and I honestly don't remember how it happened, but we quickly found ourselves in one of the greatest kisses I've ever had.
Now, I knew that recovering alcoholics aren't supposed to get involved in new relationships in the first year of their sobriety, so we had a long talk about it - and maybe part of it is me being selfish, but we decided that we could take things slow - and we did for a while. We didn't have sex for quite some time, which is remarkable considering that's basically all we did when we weren't partying together last year. I really fell for her, and now I love her to death, and she loves me as well.
But recently, we've run into some rough patches, and I'm not sure how to handle them at all, which is why I'm hoping I may find some advice here. We talked about everything that had happened last year, and agreed that we were both just in completely different places in our lives, and the past was the past so we would only focus on the present and the future. And the first 6 weeks were awesome - we had so much fun together, and when the time came when we felt comfortable being intimate with each other, it truly was amazing.
Like I said though, the past few weeks have been rough. I've had some tough things come up in my life that I've had to deal with, and I've tried to protect her from it the best I can so I don't bring any unneeded stress onto her. But she has a very strong personality, and tends to push me to take care of things that I'd much prefer that she just didn't worry about at all, and it frustrates her. She can be very self-sabotaging at times - and that's by her own admission - and she really hurts me with some of the things she says to me. She has a very short fuse over the tiniest of issues, and I almost feel like I'm not allowed to express my emotions about anything, because it will set her off and I'll lose her over it.
She says she doesn't like me yelling at her...but the fact is (and I mean this honestly), there has never been a time that I've yelled at her. Sometimes the tone in my voice can be upset or irritated, but that's human nature...yet when she gets frustrated with anything, it's okay for her to take the same tone of voice with me or actually yell - and I'm supposed to sit there and take it. I also have problems having conversations with her - if I offer any opinion other than her own, she accuses me of "always having to be right" and being very "dominating" over her. Yet she's the one that seems to not like to be corrected about anything.
She's coming up on her six months of sobriety this month, and I am so damn proud of her that it really does bring a tear to my eye. She says she's tired of taking care of everybody, and needs to take care of herself, and I told her that I agreed - and that I never asked her or expected her to take care of me in any way. If anything, I wanted to be there to take care of her when she needed it...to stand by her side when she needed it...or just be there to fall back on when it came to the things she needed to face on her own. She knows I love her, and that I'm there for her however she needs me to be, but there are just times when I feel like she takes out her frustrations on me because she has no where else to focus them, and it's harming our relationship. I almost feel like I'm living in fear every day, having to walk on egg shells with every step I take around her. Yesterday, I offered to do something that I thought was very nice, yet she turned it into a big argument and a subsequent lecture about me procrastinating on things.
I know they say that the six month point is where a lot of people in recovery have a rough time as they learn to feel their emotions again...I know she loves me, but I also know that I don't want to end up heartbroken again - in my last serious relationship, the girl broke my heart, and then we got back together only for her to do it again...
I can't go through that situation again. If, for some reason, this relationship were to end, I don't think that I could ever go back to her again now that I've fallen in love with her.
Is there any advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, and how I may be able to deal with this and help her? I know her recovery is something that she has to do on her own - I just want to be something positive in her life, which is what she says I am, but when she snaps like she can do now and then, I almost feel like I'm doing more harm than good...
Help me...
Hi all,
I'm glad I found this forum - hopefully I can find some support here.
I'm dating a girl that I've known for well over a year now. We dated off and on last year while she was, unbeknownst to me at the time we started hanging out, in the worst time of her alcoholism. She hid it very well from me at first, but it soon became apparent.
At first though, I thought it was just that she drank too much when we went out, and I just didn't like her personality when she partied, so I pretty much cut her out of my life. We started hanging out again a few months later when she said she had calmed down with her partying, and everything was okay for a little while, until she started drinking more and more when we would hang out again - again, not understanding what was really going on, I cut her off again.
A few months after that, she contacted me and told me she was now sober, and had been in rehab, and was working on almost three months of sobriety. At this point in my life, I had a million and one stresses, but I knew that I really liked this girl when she was sober, so I was willing to give her another chance - and I was fine with the fact that she admitted to being an alcoholic, and was dealing with it. We went out to a place where a bunch of her friends were supposed to be, as well as a friend of hers working as a bouncer there, and I tried to talk her out of it. She said she had no impulses to drink, and just wanted to be in a social situation. Things were okay most of the night, but then I asked her bouncer friend to keep an eye on her while I went to the bathroom. Turns out, he had a problem he had to go deal with, and I came back to find her drinking a beer. Again...at the end of this night...I cut her out of my life because of how she began acting just with the little alcohol she had. I knew that she had a problem, but I just wasn't in a place mentally that I felt like I could help her.
That was 8 months ago. About three months ago, I was walking out of a store and thought I saw her sitting alone at a table in the food area and looked sad. Not wanting any sort of confrontation since I had my son with me, I just quickly exited the store, but then sent her a text message asking if that was her I saw, and also asking if she was alright. Turns out it wasn't her afterall, but we started talking again - on the premise that we would be friends...nothing more, and nothing less. In fact, I still have one of her texts saved, and it reads "right now I just need a good friend."
She told me how she had almost four months sober since the last night we saw each other, and how well she was coming along in her recovery. I also work as a bouncer at a night club, and she wanted to stop by to say hi one night, so she came through with a friend of hers - I kept an eye on her all night, and she didn't so much as look at the bar, and just seemed like she was genuinely happier.
About ten days later, she asked if we could hang out at some point, so I offered to take her out to lunch. At lunch, she was everything that I remembered that I liked about her and more, with none of the negatives. I really felt like I was meeting her for the first time. At the end of lunch, we ended up giving each other a big hug...and I honestly don't remember how it happened, but we quickly found ourselves in one of the greatest kisses I've ever had.
Now, I knew that recovering alcoholics aren't supposed to get involved in new relationships in the first year of their sobriety, so we had a long talk about it - and maybe part of it is me being selfish, but we decided that we could take things slow - and we did for a while. We didn't have sex for quite some time, which is remarkable considering that's basically all we did when we weren't partying together last year. I really fell for her, and now I love her to death, and she loves me as well.
But recently, we've run into some rough patches, and I'm not sure how to handle them at all, which is why I'm hoping I may find some advice here. We talked about everything that had happened last year, and agreed that we were both just in completely different places in our lives, and the past was the past so we would only focus on the present and the future. And the first 6 weeks were awesome - we had so much fun together, and when the time came when we felt comfortable being intimate with each other, it truly was amazing.
Like I said though, the past few weeks have been rough. I've had some tough things come up in my life that I've had to deal with, and I've tried to protect her from it the best I can so I don't bring any unneeded stress onto her. But she has a very strong personality, and tends to push me to take care of things that I'd much prefer that she just didn't worry about at all, and it frustrates her. She can be very self-sabotaging at times - and that's by her own admission - and she really hurts me with some of the things she says to me. She has a very short fuse over the tiniest of issues, and I almost feel like I'm not allowed to express my emotions about anything, because it will set her off and I'll lose her over it.
She says she doesn't like me yelling at her...but the fact is (and I mean this honestly), there has never been a time that I've yelled at her. Sometimes the tone in my voice can be upset or irritated, but that's human nature...yet when she gets frustrated with anything, it's okay for her to take the same tone of voice with me or actually yell - and I'm supposed to sit there and take it. I also have problems having conversations with her - if I offer any opinion other than her own, she accuses me of "always having to be right" and being very "dominating" over her. Yet she's the one that seems to not like to be corrected about anything.
She's coming up on her six months of sobriety this month, and I am so damn proud of her that it really does bring a tear to my eye. She says she's tired of taking care of everybody, and needs to take care of herself, and I told her that I agreed - and that I never asked her or expected her to take care of me in any way. If anything, I wanted to be there to take care of her when she needed it...to stand by her side when she needed it...or just be there to fall back on when it came to the things she needed to face on her own. She knows I love her, and that I'm there for her however she needs me to be, but there are just times when I feel like she takes out her frustrations on me because she has no where else to focus them, and it's harming our relationship. I almost feel like I'm living in fear every day, having to walk on egg shells with every step I take around her. Yesterday, I offered to do something that I thought was very nice, yet she turned it into a big argument and a subsequent lecture about me procrastinating on things.
I know they say that the six month point is where a lot of people in recovery have a rough time as they learn to feel their emotions again...I know she loves me, but I also know that I don't want to end up heartbroken again - in my last serious relationship, the girl broke my heart, and then we got back together only for her to do it again...
I can't go through that situation again. If, for some reason, this relationship were to end, I don't think that I could ever go back to her again now that I've fallen in love with her.
Is there any advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, and how I may be able to deal with this and help her? I know her recovery is something that she has to do on her own - I just want to be something positive in her life, which is what she says I am, but when she snaps like she can do now and then, I almost feel like I'm doing more harm than good...
Help me...
Last edited by bv1979; 04-11-2007 at 10:39 AM. Reason: Add comment
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Hello BV and welcome,
There is so much going on here. The first year of anything is never easy....sobriety, grieving, relationships etc. All very tough stuff. Sounds like you too got together around her 4 months mark? I was 4 months sober yesterday. I'm well aware that my sobriety is in its absolute infancy. I have soooooooo much growing up to do. I've gotten thru Xmas, my birthday, Valentine's day and now Easter. I got 8 more months to go of everything. I'm still a stranger in a strange land feeling my way thru. One year without relationship is recommended for a reason. I really would like to be in relationship but I know I'm still not very well. I'm still learning so much about myself I just couldn't throw anyone into the mix yet....as much as I may desperately want to sometimes. I need to be strong and secure on my own two feet first...as my tendency is to be consumed by relationship.
You're already in ..and I'm definitely not saying throw in the towel. I only trying to relay tremendous empathy for both of you. There is so much shaky ground here for her....her sobriety and this relationship. I realize its pretty shaky for you too.
I wish I had some sort of wisdom for ya. I really don't. I just know how difficult a relationship would be for me right now. A damn job interview nudged at my sobriety yesterday...I can't even imagine the emotional turmoil a relationship could do.
There is so much going on here. The first year of anything is never easy....sobriety, grieving, relationships etc. All very tough stuff. Sounds like you too got together around her 4 months mark? I was 4 months sober yesterday. I'm well aware that my sobriety is in its absolute infancy. I have soooooooo much growing up to do. I've gotten thru Xmas, my birthday, Valentine's day and now Easter. I got 8 more months to go of everything. I'm still a stranger in a strange land feeling my way thru. One year without relationship is recommended for a reason. I really would like to be in relationship but I know I'm still not very well. I'm still learning so much about myself I just couldn't throw anyone into the mix yet....as much as I may desperately want to sometimes. I need to be strong and secure on my own two feet first...as my tendency is to be consumed by relationship.
You're already in ..and I'm definitely not saying throw in the towel. I only trying to relay tremendous empathy for both of you. There is so much shaky ground here for her....her sobriety and this relationship. I realize its pretty shaky for you too.
I wish I had some sort of wisdom for ya. I really don't. I just know how difficult a relationship would be for me right now. A damn job interview nudged at my sobriety yesterday...I can't even imagine the emotional turmoil a relationship could do.
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I know...I guess we both felt like I was there during the drinking times...and that there would be more understanding than if I were someone who she had just met.
I think part of it for her is that she's getting restless. She hasn't worked in six months...but I got her an interview with one of my customers, and she just called me right now to let me know she got the job. I'm so happy for her...it's a great job, and I think it will help make her feel like she wants to again...which is, in her own words, "a normal human being."
But even after I posted the original post, we were talking about a Visa Rebate card that she was given by her dad from his cell phone purchase, and she was concerned about using it since it had his name on it, not hers. I suggested that she use it for things like gas, where she doesn't have to present the card to anyone, and it would be fine...and she flipped out on my saying that I never listen, and I always have to have an answer for everything...and then likes to threaten "maybe I just need to be alone for the next few days..." which she does quite a bit, but then always comes back and says "You know I don't mean those things that I say...I just say them when I get frustrated for shock value, or to see what kind of reaction I can get from people. You know I love you..."
I've had bad luck in relationships before, and I was not looking for a relationship at all when this happened - but I wasn't going to deny what could be fate, either. I was very leery of letting her into my heart...but she found her way in, and I love that feeling. I just don't love the feeling of being scared that I'm going to lose her because I say the wrong thing.
I think part of it for her is that she's getting restless. She hasn't worked in six months...but I got her an interview with one of my customers, and she just called me right now to let me know she got the job. I'm so happy for her...it's a great job, and I think it will help make her feel like she wants to again...which is, in her own words, "a normal human being."
But even after I posted the original post, we were talking about a Visa Rebate card that she was given by her dad from his cell phone purchase, and she was concerned about using it since it had his name on it, not hers. I suggested that she use it for things like gas, where she doesn't have to present the card to anyone, and it would be fine...and she flipped out on my saying that I never listen, and I always have to have an answer for everything...and then likes to threaten "maybe I just need to be alone for the next few days..." which she does quite a bit, but then always comes back and says "You know I don't mean those things that I say...I just say them when I get frustrated for shock value, or to see what kind of reaction I can get from people. You know I love you..."
I've had bad luck in relationships before, and I was not looking for a relationship at all when this happened - but I wasn't going to deny what could be fate, either. I was very leery of letting her into my heart...but she found her way in, and I love that feeling. I just don't love the feeling of being scared that I'm going to lose her because I say the wrong thing.
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Sorry for the double post...parent posted while I was responding to the other...
I guess i'm kind of still trying to figure out if, when you say Alanon, you're talking about AA meetings - because I have attended quite a few with her, as well as attended her alumni night meeting where she went to rehab. I think those opportunities have definitely given me a better understanding of the entire situation, but it still hurts when she can turn around and be so mean at the drop of a dime.
I rarely cry...but I've cried over this girl 3 or 4 different nights in the past couple of weeks. She's gotten to me in a major way...she inspires me every day with her strength of all of the things that she has been faced with in addition to her sobriety, and makes me want to be a better person. I even told her I would quit smoking effective this coming Monday - because she's given me the strength to give up my bad habit once again.
I just don't know if I'll be able to do it when I can never be sure what her mood is going to be in any given time I talk to her.
I guess i'm kind of still trying to figure out if, when you say Alanon, you're talking about AA meetings - because I have attended quite a few with her, as well as attended her alumni night meeting where she went to rehab. I think those opportunities have definitely given me a better understanding of the entire situation, but it still hurts when she can turn around and be so mean at the drop of a dime.
I rarely cry...but I've cried over this girl 3 or 4 different nights in the past couple of weeks. She's gotten to me in a major way...she inspires me every day with her strength of all of the things that she has been faced with in addition to her sobriety, and makes me want to be a better person. I even told her I would quit smoking effective this coming Monday - because she's given me the strength to give up my bad habit once again.
I just don't know if I'll be able to do it when I can never be sure what her mood is going to be in any given time I talk to her.
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BV...it's awful to live walking on eggshells. That's what you're doing. You are living in fear...fear of rejection and abandoment. BOY! Do I know that one. I offer this to you as heartfully as I can. It has been my experience that I attract those who suffer the same core issues I do. It sounds like both of you are tremendously fearful of rejection. That was my last relationship (oh the horror of that fear when it came out to play). Your relationship is very new really...that's very scary business...very scary...in my mind anyway.
Great love, takes great risk.
You cannot censure your words and thoughts and feelings anymore than you can censure your love. You have to continue to be you. If it does not work, it does not work. Please look at your fears. My fear of rejection has dictated my whole life.
You were right not to deny fate...relationships are our greatest teachers. My last one was incredibly painful BUT it sobered me up. I wouldn't change a damn thing...
Appreciate the relationship...embrace it...don't worry so much about losing it ..or tomorrow or whatever. If you say the "wrong" thing (which is "wrong" thinking incidentally..cuz ya just can't if its' meant to be)...then let life happen as it should....please live for today.
We don't ever lose anything that truly belongs in our life.
Great love, takes great risk.
You cannot censure your words and thoughts and feelings anymore than you can censure your love. You have to continue to be you. If it does not work, it does not work. Please look at your fears. My fear of rejection has dictated my whole life.
You were right not to deny fate...relationships are our greatest teachers. My last one was incredibly painful BUT it sobered me up. I wouldn't change a damn thing...
Appreciate the relationship...embrace it...don't worry so much about losing it ..or tomorrow or whatever. If you say the "wrong" thing (which is "wrong" thinking incidentally..cuz ya just can't if its' meant to be)...then let life happen as it should....please live for today.
We don't ever lose anything that truly belongs in our life.
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Originally Posted by bv1979 
I just don't know if I'll be able to do it when I can never be sure what her mood is going to be in any given time I talk to her.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey bvv - alanon is for friends and family members of alcoholics. i go to meetings, and it helps me a lot. i also go to open aa meetings with my recovering daughter, and yes - i learn many things there also.
www.alanon.org for more details and meetings.
blessings, k
www.alanon.org for more details and meetings.
blessings, k
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
By the way, you're feelings of fear about her leaving point to your own doubts about whether or not you can or should say. It's all a boomerang buddy. When I start to doubt the relationship andwonder about the wisdom of staying is exactly when I start to fear being left.
Well, sometimes I do wonder if I should stay or go...only on the basis that I don't want to be something that causes stress in her life and triggers a relapse. That would absolutely destroy me, and I couldn't live with myself if it happened.
And thanks, parent...there's a meeting I may go to tomorrow night at the same place where my girlfriend goes to her abuse awareness classes.
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I think a meeting would be an excellent support for you...may answer some niggling questions you have. Although noble to worry about her stress and triggers etc, I do hope you are considering whether or not your needs in this relationship are being fulfilled.
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Hey BV,
You're near the same part of the country as me, but I'm over by Santa Cruz.
See if the place she went to rehab offers any materials for family members/friends that relate to what happens to the brain during active addiction and during recovery. My husband is in rehab right now and they have provided vast data for me to process - it's very helpful to become educated. There are a lot of physical effects of withdrawal, lasting up to a year, that can result in moodiness, memory loss, etc. The chemicals that a "normal brain" produces and uses to keep the emotional thermostat in working order are not produced once a person relies on a chemical to make them feel "okay," and it takes months for those chemicals, receptors, neurotransmitters, etc, to become available again. This is why there is such an incredibly high relapse rate during the first year. An intensive outpatient treatment program may also be helpful for her if she's still struggling.
Also, in recovery they (and we?) are just beginning to learn to use relationship tools again such as honesty and dealing with things rather than letting them slide.
That's great that she's going to meetings and stuff - this means there's a higher probability that she's working a program. I am learning that someone being "dry" is a lot different that someone who has acheived sobriety. There is a lot involved in acheiving sobriety.
Ask yourself if you will be happy to live through the same kind of drama continually a year from now? 5 years from now?
I married my husband 7 years ago. 5 years ago I started to become aware of his drinking problem, little by little. The last 3 - 4 years have provided almost constant varying levels of distress for me, the last 6 - 12 months being the worst. I didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I want to live through daily hell and pile more and more responsibilities on myself for the next 5 years till I can see the physical effects of stress on my face, have no time or energy to care for myself and don't do anything social anymore because my world could fit on the head of a pin."
I woke up every day and said, "I think maybe he won't drink today, or maybe I can stop him from drinking (wrong!), or maybe it won't be so bad this time (wrong again!) - he said he was sorry, afterall - maybe he really won't drink it anymore (still wrong!)."
I have learned here:
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
(not sure if that's the right order)
My suggestions to you would be to read the stickies at the top of the forum and go to Al-anon for a while. Al-Anon doesn't tell you what to do or preach to you, but the community, their experience and the process may be able to help you get some clarity and learn how to make you a healthier you, which you can use with or without her.
Great job on the decision to quit smoking!
You're near the same part of the country as me, but I'm over by Santa Cruz.
See if the place she went to rehab offers any materials for family members/friends that relate to what happens to the brain during active addiction and during recovery. My husband is in rehab right now and they have provided vast data for me to process - it's very helpful to become educated. There are a lot of physical effects of withdrawal, lasting up to a year, that can result in moodiness, memory loss, etc. The chemicals that a "normal brain" produces and uses to keep the emotional thermostat in working order are not produced once a person relies on a chemical to make them feel "okay," and it takes months for those chemicals, receptors, neurotransmitters, etc, to become available again. This is why there is such an incredibly high relapse rate during the first year. An intensive outpatient treatment program may also be helpful for her if she's still struggling.
Also, in recovery they (and we?) are just beginning to learn to use relationship tools again such as honesty and dealing with things rather than letting them slide.
That's great that she's going to meetings and stuff - this means there's a higher probability that she's working a program. I am learning that someone being "dry" is a lot different that someone who has acheived sobriety. There is a lot involved in acheiving sobriety.
Ask yourself if you will be happy to live through the same kind of drama continually a year from now? 5 years from now?
I married my husband 7 years ago. 5 years ago I started to become aware of his drinking problem, little by little. The last 3 - 4 years have provided almost constant varying levels of distress for me, the last 6 - 12 months being the worst. I didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I want to live through daily hell and pile more and more responsibilities on myself for the next 5 years till I can see the physical effects of stress on my face, have no time or energy to care for myself and don't do anything social anymore because my world could fit on the head of a pin."
I woke up every day and said, "I think maybe he won't drink today, or maybe I can stop him from drinking (wrong!), or maybe it won't be so bad this time (wrong again!) - he said he was sorry, afterall - maybe he really won't drink it anymore (still wrong!)."
I have learned here:
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
(not sure if that's the right order)
My suggestions to you would be to read the stickies at the top of the forum and go to Al-anon for a while. Al-Anon doesn't tell you what to do or preach to you, but the community, their experience and the process may be able to help you get some clarity and learn how to make you a healthier you, which you can use with or without her.
Great job on the decision to quit smoking!
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Well, we got into it again...and again, she brought me to tears over the phone, basically telling me what my **** ups are...
But then, about an hour later, she called back and said this, verbatim (I remember the words clearly):
"I just want to say one thing to you...I love you so much. Maybe I do need to listen to my mom and not be on your case so much. I'm just dealing with a lot, and maybe when I'm stressed, I just feel like I want you to be stressed out with me...but I know I can't do that, and I'm sorry."
And then she asked me to take her to her AA meeting tonight, which I gladly said I would...
So there you have it...you guys got to witness the entire swing that I deal with right here on the forum...lol. I brought up Al-Anon to her, and she was floored (in a good way) when I told her I was going to go to a meeting tomorrow night. I think it really did make her happy, and let her know how serious I am about being there for her.
Thank you guys for all the kind words...Hopefully one day I'll be able to look back on this entire experience, and offer some words of either comfort or advice to someone who finds themself in a similar situation. I'm glad I found this site...I'll be here frequently
But then, about an hour later, she called back and said this, verbatim (I remember the words clearly):
"I just want to say one thing to you...I love you so much. Maybe I do need to listen to my mom and not be on your case so much. I'm just dealing with a lot, and maybe when I'm stressed, I just feel like I want you to be stressed out with me...but I know I can't do that, and I'm sorry."
And then she asked me to take her to her AA meeting tonight, which I gladly said I would...
So there you have it...you guys got to witness the entire swing that I deal with right here on the forum...lol. I brought up Al-Anon to her, and she was floored (in a good way) when I told her I was going to go to a meeting tomorrow night. I think it really did make her happy, and let her know how serious I am about being there for her.
Thank you guys for all the kind words...Hopefully one day I'll be able to look back on this entire experience, and offer some words of either comfort or advice to someone who finds themself in a similar situation. I'm glad I found this site...I'll be here frequently
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
Well...so much for that....
She broke up with me tonight...and then I said something that I really didn't mean...and I can't take it back.
I can't believe this has all gone down the way it has...
I'm sorry, but I just needed somewhere to vent for a second....thanks again everyone for trying to help.....
She broke up with me tonight...and then I said something that I really didn't mean...and I can't take it back.
I can't believe this has all gone down the way it has...
I'm sorry, but I just needed somewhere to vent for a second....thanks again everyone for trying to help.....
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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Welcome BV! Walking on egg shells was not a fun rode...been there done that. Still go to that meeting-do this for yourself it will help you and that is what you need to focus on YOU it will lessen the pain- Keep posting here we all love to vent!
Saying things we do not mean?! Stop blaming yourself for feeling-it is nature and what I'm sure she was doing to you? Try not to be so hard on yourself....you are in the right place here at SR!
Saying things we do not mean?! Stop blaming yourself for feeling-it is nature and what I'm sure she was doing to you? Try not to be so hard on yourself....you are in the right place here at SR!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
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Oh BV...my jaw dropped when I read your last post. Hon, oh the wracking and wrenching pain I imagine you're in right now is unbearable. I know. Anything I say will come off trite. Anything I say will come from a place too far up the road. I've been where you are...and there is just pain right now. Please keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
And the drama continues. She ended up calling and calling me back last night, saying she wanted to make sure I was safe...and I broke down when I finally answered, and couldn't stay on the phone with her. But then we started text messaging, and she said again that she loves me with all of her heart, and she couldn't stand to see me constantly being hurt by her actions...
So I reiterrated to her that although things are rough, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all the time, and that I was committed to her through the good times and the bad, and that by not having her in my life caused more hurt than being with her and going through her struggles by her side.
I think, again, this all comes down to the thing that she used to tell me about how she feel like she doesn't deserve to be loved or happy because of all of the things she did when she was drinking, but something changed in that conversation last night...I honestly think she actually gets it now. She then told me that she didn't want to break up with me at all, and that she was only doing it because she thought it was in my best interests because she didn't want me to keep getting hurt by her.
Although she does say hurtful things at times, I know it's the stress of everything going on in her life right now, and I'm there - so I'm an easy target. She then said whenever she says she needs space, she always regrets it five minutes after I leave, and that it's just a matter of her getting overwhelmed and not knowing how to deal with it at that exact second.
In the end...she said she didn't want to lose me, and she apologized for putting me through what was easily one of the hardest nights of my life. Maybe I'm blinded by my love for her...I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying with her, but I feel like I am. I love her to death, and through it all, I do know that she loves me...and I'm willing to put the work in to see it through, because I know once things finally calm down, and she's even more at peace with her sobriety, we have a chance at an amazing future together.
I'm still going to go to the Al-Anon meeting tonight, and I really am looking forward to being around people who may have at least partially similar situations as I do - because I'll tell you, there was a stretch of about 2 hours last night where I never felt more alone...
So I reiterrated to her that although things are rough, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all the time, and that I was committed to her through the good times and the bad, and that by not having her in my life caused more hurt than being with her and going through her struggles by her side.
I think, again, this all comes down to the thing that she used to tell me about how she feel like she doesn't deserve to be loved or happy because of all of the things she did when she was drinking, but something changed in that conversation last night...I honestly think she actually gets it now. She then told me that she didn't want to break up with me at all, and that she was only doing it because she thought it was in my best interests because she didn't want me to keep getting hurt by her.
Although she does say hurtful things at times, I know it's the stress of everything going on in her life right now, and I'm there - so I'm an easy target. She then said whenever she says she needs space, she always regrets it five minutes after I leave, and that it's just a matter of her getting overwhelmed and not knowing how to deal with it at that exact second.
In the end...she said she didn't want to lose me, and she apologized for putting me through what was easily one of the hardest nights of my life. Maybe I'm blinded by my love for her...I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying with her, but I feel like I am. I love her to death, and through it all, I do know that she loves me...and I'm willing to put the work in to see it through, because I know once things finally calm down, and she's even more at peace with her sobriety, we have a chance at an amazing future together.
I'm still going to go to the Al-Anon meeting tonight, and I really am looking forward to being around people who may have at least partially similar situations as I do - because I'll tell you, there was a stretch of about 2 hours last night where I never felt more alone...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
bv, it sounded like you were supportive of her sobriety, but no one deserves to be treated the way you were. often, alcoholics (at least my ex, anyway) was a pleasure to be around when she was sober (which went for over a year during our relationship), but when she was drunk, or even during days where she was still drinking but had some sober days in between, she became someone who is so hurtful and who said things to me that i'll never forget. plain and simple, she became a monster.
the problem is, that i (and you it appears) always forgave her for what she said to me. i thought she was under stress, especially if she wasn't drinking at the time. i made up lots of excuses... long week, not much sleep, etc., and i forgave her every time. in my belief, and i don't want to offend any recovering As here, if an alcoholic has not started a path towards sobriety (including LOTS of meetings, a sponsor, therapy, whatever it takes) and is trying to mostly do it on their own with a few meetings every now and then, they recognize how they are able to manipulate and control us. they're unaware of the damage they've caused and continue to cause by hurting people who love them.
there's a reason they tell you to wait a year before entering a relationship, and i can only see that now, 4 months after my break up. i've learned a lot through this board and other readings i've done. i've seen that there's no way i would take my ex back until she's had a year of sobriety under her belt, because it takes that long for her to recognize her patterns and triggers and be stable enough to love someone else.
sorry for rambling, welcome, i'm sorry you're going through this.
the problem is, that i (and you it appears) always forgave her for what she said to me. i thought she was under stress, especially if she wasn't drinking at the time. i made up lots of excuses... long week, not much sleep, etc., and i forgave her every time. in my belief, and i don't want to offend any recovering As here, if an alcoholic has not started a path towards sobriety (including LOTS of meetings, a sponsor, therapy, whatever it takes) and is trying to mostly do it on their own with a few meetings every now and then, they recognize how they are able to manipulate and control us. they're unaware of the damage they've caused and continue to cause by hurting people who love them.
there's a reason they tell you to wait a year before entering a relationship, and i can only see that now, 4 months after my break up. i've learned a lot through this board and other readings i've done. i've seen that there's no way i would take my ex back until she's had a year of sobriety under her belt, because it takes that long for her to recognize her patterns and triggers and be stable enough to love someone else.
sorry for rambling, welcome, i'm sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
bv, i just read your latest post.
i stayed with my A through a lot. through many break ups, through MANY fights, a lot of name calling (on both of our ends) and a lot worse. at the end of the night, we always made up, she always said she was sorry, she always said she loved me and didn't want to lose me. we had been through a lot together and i trusted that what she was telling me was the truth. maybe it was at the time, who knows. but now, i regret staying with her through all of that. because, through all of this, she stayed with me because she could control me, and she was able to manipulate me enough to walk all over me and just say she was sorry and fix everything.
and towards the end of our relationship, she found someone else who could be just as easily manipulated, when she discovered i wouldn't tolerate her crap anymore. i can see it now, even though i loved her with all my heart, even though i planned to spend the rest of my life with her, that her disease had taken over her entire life, and she used me up and all of the support i gave her and moved onto someone else.
the past few months, i've been in more pain than i ever thought was physically possible. just a warning, not wanting to attack you at all, our situations just seem so similar, and i really feel for you. i had to come to terms with the fact that the relationship i was in wasn't the kind of relationship i wanted to have for the rest of my life. it wasn't what i considered my ideal relationship to be.
i stayed with my A through a lot. through many break ups, through MANY fights, a lot of name calling (on both of our ends) and a lot worse. at the end of the night, we always made up, she always said she was sorry, she always said she loved me and didn't want to lose me. we had been through a lot together and i trusted that what she was telling me was the truth. maybe it was at the time, who knows. but now, i regret staying with her through all of that. because, through all of this, she stayed with me because she could control me, and she was able to manipulate me enough to walk all over me and just say she was sorry and fix everything.
and towards the end of our relationship, she found someone else who could be just as easily manipulated, when she discovered i wouldn't tolerate her crap anymore. i can see it now, even though i loved her with all my heart, even though i planned to spend the rest of my life with her, that her disease had taken over her entire life, and she used me up and all of the support i gave her and moved onto someone else.
the past few months, i've been in more pain than i ever thought was physically possible. just a warning, not wanting to attack you at all, our situations just seem so similar, and i really feel for you. i had to come to terms with the fact that the relationship i was in wasn't the kind of relationship i wanted to have for the rest of my life. it wasn't what i considered my ideal relationship to be.
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