Lilygal

I don't know how much more of this I can take. He came home last night, late, and completly drunk, wanting to start a fight. I refused to argue, I went in another room and started cring. I was truly upset. About 20 minutes later I walked back into the room where he was and he was passed out on the couch and has been that way for about 15 hours. He will probably be waking up soon and I know that we are going to have to talk about what happened yesterday. He gets angry when I tell him how I feel and that just makes me angry. I try not reacting but it is so hard sometimes. I also know that when he gets up, he's sure to have a hangover and that is going to ruin my whole day. To be honest I like it better when he's sleeping. This is pretty much how it has been this past month, everyday, it's the same thing. HE has not had a sober day in over a month. Sometimes it just makes me physically sick to see him drunk. I feel so annoyed by it. He never comes straight home after work and he's on the verge of loosing his job. I do not work, and he is our only source of income. And sometimes he holds it over my head that he is the one making all the money, so I really should have nothing to say about what he does with his free time. But what about my free time? I really have none. I spend all day taking care of my 3 year old, while he is at work, if he goes. We only have one car and he usually has it all day long. I can't really go anywhere when he gets home because that's usually about midnight or later and I am usually ready for bed by then. EEEERRRR!Sometimes I wish this was something I could just snap him out of. Like shake him really hard and scream in his face that he is ruining both of our lives and just stop it. I am not a violent person and I know that it is not that simple. But I wish it could be. I am 7 months pregnant and I do love him, but I am feeling so trapped and I wish that it was easier to talk to him. It seems like things are getting worse everyday. I've heard the saying things get worse before they get better. And I hope they get better soon. Sometimes they do get better and then they get worse again. Its like a neverending circle. I do think that part of the problem s that we do not talk enough. I refuse to talk to him about anything serious when he has been drinking and it is hard to find a sober moment to talk. And, it's not easy to talk to him when he's hungover either. He's like a walking timebomb when he's hungover. I'm sick of walking on eggshells though. Maybe I'm just making exuses for myself or him. I don't want to leave him, but what the hell am I staying for? I'm so confused, I just wish there was a solution. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. I'm sick of hearing things like I just need to "cut back" or I'm sorry, or I promise things will get better. Anyway, sorry for rambling. I guess I just needed to vent a little.
Lilygal

matters

Hello Lilygal,

I understand how difficult it is when you have a little one to take care of and even harder when your pregnant. My kids are older now but I remember how it was when they were young. You have probabely read this before but you need to take care of yourself and those precious kids!!! There is nothing that you can do to make him stop drinking until he is ready! Please keep coming here. These boards have helped me so much! Is there Alanon near you? If you could go to a meeting it would help alot. Do you have someone that could watch your 3yr old while you go to a meeting? If that is not possible just know that we are here for you! There are so many people here that are going through the same or similar situations. Have you read the sticky posts at the top of the board? There is alot of info there.

Sending prayers your way,
matters

Gabe

Sounds like you are feeling trapped and frustrated, and well you should be. Your partner has effectively checked out on you. Any woman who is 7 months pregnant and home all day with a toddler needs lots of TLC and some regular time to herself. Because the roller coaster is only going to get faster and more bumpy when the new baby comes.
Is there anyone who can help you with babysitting so you can get out? If not, I understand. I am somewhat lacking in that department myself. I think it would help a lot if you could get out to an Alanon meeting if it's possible. If not, this board helps a lot in the way of support and advice, so keep coming back.
Since there is nothing you can do about his drinking, I would suggest focusing on yourself. Maybe after your young one goes to bed you can have some quiet time to relax. You don't have to think about him and his problems either. Maybe a hot bubble bath and a good book or a movie. Anything that is relaxing for you and would help you to just focus on yourself.
Peace,
Gabe

Lilygal

Thanks Gabe and Matters for the advice. I feel much better today. We talked yesterday and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. However it was the same, I think I need to "cut back" on the drinking, I'm sorry, and I promise things will get better speeches, that I think I have memorized by now. Unfortunately, I don't have a baby-sitter. We moved here less than a year ago, and I haven't really made any friends, and this town is a strange one to me. I don't feel comfortable leaving my son with anyone that I haven't known for too long. However, yesterday, after all of the apologies, he asked me if I needed to get out and he watched my son while I went shopping. I bought a few things for myself. That always makes me feel better. I was pretty surprised to learn that when I got home, he had not been drinking nor did he have a drink at all yesterday. I can't get too happy about this though because today is a new day and things might not be as good. I hope I can make it to an Alanon meeting someday soon. I don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with him while he is drunk, but the drinking doesn't usually start until late afternoon or early evening, so maybe I can find a morning meeting to go to. I still have to look into it. I hate the fact that I feel like I have to arrange my schedule around his drinking schedule. Should I be honest with him about where I am going? I really see no reason to lie about it.
Anyway, thanks again
lilygal

EmotionalMeg

Hi Lilygal
I want you to know that I am thinking of you... you DO sound angry, and ready to explode. But it sounds like you are making some very healthy decisions. Such as... coming here!
I hope that you are able to find a babysitter - or a meeting in the morning, like you said - because Alanon can be such a life-saver. Right from the first meeting I went to over a year ago, the message was VERY clear; it is NOT about THEM, it is about ME. No matter what, I cannot save my husband from his addiction(s), so why keep trying!? Each of us are equipped with exactly the tools we need to live our lives HAPPY. But too often, as codependants, we use all of these tools on everyone else, and have nothing left for us! Like, how often have we stayed up all night, NOT sleeping, worrying about them... making phone calls, maybe even driving around town LOOKING for them?! Just think of the things you COULD have been doing with that time! And especially with young children... they can be such a blessing, and teach us so much. I KNOW that eventually you will find your OWN recovery program, and the answers will come a little easier. I am still amazed at how it works for me...
Try to get to a meeting... and keep coming back here
We need you as much as you need us
Take care
Meg