I Need Support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
I Need Support!
Happy Easter everyone!
For the last few days, I've been feeling really sad about my AH. I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. No text, phone, nothing. We are separated. I filed for divorce back in January because he continues to pop pills. I don't want to be divorced. I am so sad today. All I can think about are the things we have in common. The upcoming summer and our fishing trips, etc. He is everything to me. I feel such a strong urge to call him, or text him and say hey, I'd just like to see you. I know this will not make me feel better because he is still using. Our relationship was never one that had to be "worked on" for any reason. The addiction is what has come between us. I feel so close to the sober AH, that for the last few days, I have been hoping that by some twist of fate, that he knows how I've been feeling and somehow I will hear from him. I just dropped my daughter off at her friend's house because they don't have school tomorrow, so she will have a fun day. Now I'm back at home, writing this and crying at the same time. It is so sad that even if I texted him and said "I love you," in his addictive mind he would feel like I said that to get some mushy response from him, and I know he's just not feeling it while he's using. The mushy AH, is the sober one. For all I know he's even got a girlfriend. He has truly distanced himself from me. Thank goodness for this website, because my family has moved on with this crisis in their minds. I know that if he would straighten up, I would be willing to be supportive of him and also hope that we could salvage our marriage. Thanks for listening.
For the last few days, I've been feeling really sad about my AH. I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. No text, phone, nothing. We are separated. I filed for divorce back in January because he continues to pop pills. I don't want to be divorced. I am so sad today. All I can think about are the things we have in common. The upcoming summer and our fishing trips, etc. He is everything to me. I feel such a strong urge to call him, or text him and say hey, I'd just like to see you. I know this will not make me feel better because he is still using. Our relationship was never one that had to be "worked on" for any reason. The addiction is what has come between us. I feel so close to the sober AH, that for the last few days, I have been hoping that by some twist of fate, that he knows how I've been feeling and somehow I will hear from him. I just dropped my daughter off at her friend's house because they don't have school tomorrow, so she will have a fun day. Now I'm back at home, writing this and crying at the same time. It is so sad that even if I texted him and said "I love you," in his addictive mind he would feel like I said that to get some mushy response from him, and I know he's just not feeling it while he's using. The mushy AH, is the sober one. For all I know he's even got a girlfriend. He has truly distanced himself from me. Thank goodness for this website, because my family has moved on with this crisis in their minds. I know that if he would straighten up, I would be willing to be supportive of him and also hope that we could salvage our marriage. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry you're having this kind of day, FHL.
Try to love yourself, and be gentle with yourself for making this difficult -- but healthy -- decision for yourself. Do what you'd tell your AH to do: recognize that you're suffering cravings and fight them with all you've got. There are many more joys out there waiting for you that don't involve the pain of addiction.
Love and hugs,
GL
Try to love yourself, and be gentle with yourself for making this difficult -- but healthy -- decision for yourself. Do what you'd tell your AH to do: recognize that you're suffering cravings and fight them with all you've got. There are many more joys out there waiting for you that don't involve the pain of addiction.
Love and hugs,
GL
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
We all have those sad days. Hang in there. Find some way to make yourself feel better....help others, read a book, remember that you are worth so much!
Your life is the only thing you can control.
krhea
Your life is the only thing you can control.
krhea
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Faith, I'm so sorry today is so difficult. I know it is hard to see it now but time does help. As Patch said, the only way past pain is through it. Let yourself feel, but please try not to linger in the sadness and the "what ifs." Be extra kind and gentle to yourself and reach out, like you are doing here, for support. If your family has gone beyond this and doesn't really want to hear about it, perhaps they would be good for a distraction...a trip to the movies, shopping, visiting just to talk about things other than AH....Hugs and prayers...I hope you feel better soon!
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Faith)))))))
I'm sorry your sad and lonely. I was feeling kinda sad and lonely tonight,
and I even had my hubby with me. I just miss my kids...
I think I'm suffering from empty nest syndrome.
You need to focus on you. Get to some meetings, join a club, meet with a friend for lunch and a gabfest. It will get better.
Sending prayers up for you and your husband.
You for stength and perseverance, and him for rock bottom.
I'm sorry your sad and lonely. I was feeling kinda sad and lonely tonight,
and I even had my hubby with me. I just miss my kids...
I think I'm suffering from empty nest syndrome.
You need to focus on you. Get to some meetings, join a club, meet with a friend for lunch and a gabfest. It will get better.
Sending prayers up for you and your husband.
You for stength and perseverance, and him for rock bottom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Faith I know how you feel. I want my husband sober so bad. I miss him, I do.
But I can't live a life with him when he is using.. He's a totally different man.
I often think to myself "maybe he WILL one day quit" and then we can live happily ever after.. and then I have to remind myself that he may not.
We are all in this together.. tomorrow will be better!
But I can't live a life with him when he is using.. He's a totally different man.
I often think to myself "maybe he WILL one day quit" and then we can live happily ever after.. and then I have to remind myself that he may not.
We are all in this together.. tomorrow will be better!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry you're having a bad day, it helps to try and not think those good memory thoughts, try to change them. so something that you've always wanted to do but couldn't, it helps. maybe you could start a project or something. still praying for you and yours
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
(((Faith)))I hope you feel better soon. Just try to focus on today. If you have to just focus on one minute at a time. Remember that the person your AH is now, is not the same person he was before the pills. He is completely different. If you met him now for the first time, would you go out with him? Probably not.
I know that the hardest thing for most of us on the forum is the fact that we shared wonderful times with our addicts BEFORE they were addicted. Then, after addiction set in we keep grasping at that past person. That is "attachment". Attachment = suffering. That is why it is sssoooo important to work on detachment.
I hope you feel better soon. We all empathize with you.
I know that the hardest thing for most of us on the forum is the fact that we shared wonderful times with our addicts BEFORE they were addicted. Then, after addiction set in we keep grasping at that past person. That is "attachment". Attachment = suffering. That is why it is sssoooo important to work on detachment.
I hope you feel better soon. We all empathize with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
Here's something that will throw you for a loop! I've known my AH for 20+ years. He WAS my brother's best friend. Even when we were in school, I would get all giddy when he would come over to hang out with my brother. Even though he had a girlfriend and he ended up marrying her and having 2 girls, they were married for 12 years. The second I found out he was getting divorced, I moved in for the kill! Because of the person I knew him to be growing up, and the person he was turning into (early in his addiction), I only saw the happy, funny AH that I knew long ago. Now I look at what is now, and I actually have happier memories of him WHILE HE WAS DATING AND MARRIED TO HIS FORMER WIFE! Isn't that crazy???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Faith,
That is funny --- AND there's something there to pay attention to.
You were/are in love with the guy that he WAS.
My great counselor says to me often, "Well, what does this tell you about the kind of person you want to have in your life? You want them to be funny, to be loving, to be free with compliments.....maybe you also want back that time in your life, where you felt like there were so many possibilities, and life felt simpler and clearer......" He always takes my daydreams and points out how they are a road map to what I really and truly need at this point in my life.
It helps me to see that there's more going on than just me being obsessed with one particular person -- it's me being obsessed with getting something into my life that's missing. Laughter. Acceptance. A sense of being loved. A return to my dreams.
With that, I can try to build those things in, in other ways. And see that my X was not the only possible source of my happiness....he doesn't have it in his pocket. He doesn't have it at ALL unless I give it to him.
Just thought I'd share that with you, since it's been so helpful to me.
Hoping that this is a better day for you.
Love,
GL
That is funny --- AND there's something there to pay attention to.
You were/are in love with the guy that he WAS.
My great counselor says to me often, "Well, what does this tell you about the kind of person you want to have in your life? You want them to be funny, to be loving, to be free with compliments.....maybe you also want back that time in your life, where you felt like there were so many possibilities, and life felt simpler and clearer......" He always takes my daydreams and points out how they are a road map to what I really and truly need at this point in my life.
It helps me to see that there's more going on than just me being obsessed with one particular person -- it's me being obsessed with getting something into my life that's missing. Laughter. Acceptance. A sense of being loved. A return to my dreams.
With that, I can try to build those things in, in other ways. And see that my X was not the only possible source of my happiness....he doesn't have it in his pocket. He doesn't have it at ALL unless I give it to him.
Just thought I'd share that with you, since it's been so helpful to me.
Hoping that this is a better day for you.
Love,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
(((GIVELOVE)))
I really appreciated that angle. It's true! My AH has the ability to be the funniest, most caring person ever. He's a very loving dad to his girls (and mine), when he's not using. His youngest is 5 and it's sad because he's missed out on a lot of her life because the last 3-4 years have been his messed up years. He realized that when he got out of rehab, and regretted it. Now he's back to the foggy haze of a life he's leading. I will remember what you said, and thank your counselor for me! Have a lovely day!
I really appreciated that angle. It's true! My AH has the ability to be the funniest, most caring person ever. He's a very loving dad to his girls (and mine), when he's not using. His youngest is 5 and it's sad because he's missed out on a lot of her life because the last 3-4 years have been his messed up years. He realized that when he got out of rehab, and regretted it. Now he's back to the foggy haze of a life he's leading. I will remember what you said, and thank your counselor for me! Have a lovely day!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
So many strange little things help me when I'm in that place. I have made jewelry from beads, played with clay, crocheted...really anything that I can do with my hands to keep myself from sitting and freaking out.
Sometimes, though, it's important to give yourself space to sit and freak out, have a big cry, feel terribly sorry for yourself, and get it all out. I try to limit the time I let myself do that, though, so that it doesn't STICK to me too much. Usually if I'm really having a big cry-fest, the best way to fix it is by calling a girlfriend. Nothing gets me out of it like a good long phone call.
I hope you make it through and find a sense of serenity and a stronger place. You deserve your sanity and your happiness!
Sometimes, though, it's important to give yourself space to sit and freak out, have a big cry, feel terribly sorry for yourself, and get it all out. I try to limit the time I let myself do that, though, so that it doesn't STICK to me too much. Usually if I'm really having a big cry-fest, the best way to fix it is by calling a girlfriend. Nothing gets me out of it like a good long phone call.
I hope you make it through and find a sense of serenity and a stronger place. You deserve your sanity and your happiness!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Thanks, Faith. I know it's helped me.
There's another piece to your puzzle: it's important to you, in a relationship, that the person be someone who is loving and funny and good with kids. That's one of my big ones too!!!
Take care of yourself
GL
There's another piece to your puzzle: it's important to you, in a relationship, that the person be someone who is loving and funny and good with kids. That's one of my big ones too!!!
Take care of yourself
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
junkie--I to learned to have certain 'hobbies' making jewelry is one of mine as well--reading a good book--gardening--you have to find thing you enjoy that are simple and always at hand for those crazy times to divert your thinking..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
Oh my! My AH called me yesterday. He said he was "just wondering" how I'm doing? I told him I was ok, but the last few days have been difficult. He asked if the divorce was final. I told him no, I hadn't even gotten a court date. He asked why. I said because I was hoping something would happen to salvage our marriage. He just kind of sat there. Then he says well it's been 4 months and I thought you'd moved on. OK GAG! HE'S SOOOO IN A FOG! I said no I haven't. I told him that he says to me, I really wish this wouldn't be happening, etc. I said you know, you act like you have no control over something that is so traumatic! I said NOBODY is twisting your arm making you want to be divorced! I said I realize now that what comes between us (addiction) only YOU can control. I said you act like things are out of your control! Then he says one of the famous active addict lines...I'M MORE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE NOW THAN I HAVE BEEN IN YEARS! So it took about a 20 minute (or less) phone conversation with him to see that he's still in denial and there's nothing different about him, other than me (the monkey on his back) not being there to remind him, HE'S STILL USING! Oh I just wish I could just walk away and never look back! I do believe that was God offering me some CLARIFICATION that I so needed. Any advice from you wonderful codies out there???
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
