Macphisto

O.K., so I'm not such a newcommer to the board but it sure does fell like I'm starting all over... I told myself I wouldn't even post until I had 4 dry wekks in fron of me but just two days shy of that goal I screwed up.

The first time I attempted to quit drinking my wife was pregnant with our first son and needless to say I didn't do too well.. I'm a fairly heavy weekend drinker (about a case for the weekend) but on weekdays I just drink to "maintain".. that's anywhere between 4 and 10 beers..

Now my wife is due to have our second son in 2 days and I screw up once again.. Darn, I was feeling so good after almost 4 weeks.. I had energy to get up early and play with my 15 month old son before going to work and I really thought I had this thing licked.. It wasn't even too difficult because I din't think about drinking but sure enough I let my guard down and I screwed up.

On Saturday I figured "what the heck" I'll have a couple of beers and "mellow out".

Well, after a couple my friend showed up and he had a few and asked if I wanted a little "pick me up".. He had a little bit of cocaine on him but said we could go get more. I had absolutely no intention of going but after taking one hit I found myself on the way to score some more...

I'm not much of a drug user but it just goes to show that whenever I drink I do stupid things...

Don't really know what to write because I feel so horrible.. I was left with what we bought and have done it sporadically all day today... I'm so stupid, I don't even like the way that stuff makes me feel.. But to me that's no the problem, it's the drinking and the fact that I'll do stupid things...

I'm mostly writing this as a warning to people who think they've got this alcohol ting beatten... Don't let your guards down and DON'T be fooled into thinking you can moderate... This addiction is evil and I hope to start new tommorow and not be fooled... Thanks for listening

nogard

Welcome back, glad your here, no matter the pain all you have to do is not pick up. Do you have a program and people you can talk to.

Kevin

GlassPrisoner

There's a reason it's called "Baffling".....

1_day@_a_time

Lack of power is my dilemma.

If I could have quit all on my own, I would have done so, decades earlier.

It has been my experience, being "dry" does nothing for me.

Take away the alcohol, and I'm the same restless, irritable and discontented person, sober.

And THAT SUCKS!!!!

Hey, we are nealry neighbors on the internet world.

If you would like to meet TONS of great sober happy people, who have changed their lives, AND BUILT A WHOLE NEW CHARACTER, let me know!

Tom

Macphisto

the thing is that i'm great without the alcohol... why do I keep falling? I was actually thinking "this is too easy".. I didn't have many withdrawl symptoms so maybe I need something tragic to open my eyes???... I'm going to give AA another shot... maybe I can get a sponsor I can call when I'm tempted... Dsmn, my son will be born in a few days and I want to be the good sober person I can be... I'm not an angry drunk or anything but I'm so much better sober and I enjoy i so much more instead of strugleing.....

lostmdboy

Sone times it is easy, but the next time you quit it could be the hardest thing. Remember the disease is progressive. It is not going to get better, only worse. Find support any where you can. Doing it alone is just asking for trouble. Welcome back, and habg in there.

SaTiT

will...that's a fine example of 1 is too many and a 1000
is not enough. Thanks for Sharing that, Mac

You know Y newscomers are the most important person?
It's so eld farts like me don't deem we're cure after
all these years and wanna go out and experiment again.
If anyone has found a cure please let me know...I'll be the
first to stand in that line.

I'm glad you're still alive Mac and thanks for coming back.
I'll pray for you and your family.

CarolD

Many of us had false starts before
we found solid sobriety!

Glad you are planning a healthier way of life!

Blessings to you and your family.

Missymae737

Hi,

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I am not sure what support system you have in place. Do you go to meetings?

I found by coming here everyday has helped me tremendously.You don't have to wait four weeks to post, we are here for you everyday...

Thinking of you...

parentrecovers

nice to hear from you again, mac. recovery is tough, hang in there and keep the faith. it is possible! blessings, k

1_day@_a_time

My offer still stands........at the cost of sounding harsh, apparantly you are not fine w/o alcohol.

Most would suggest you have not hit your bottom.

When you are in enough pain, you will take another path.

Macphisto

Hi, we are practically neighbors, I live bordering Burbank and North Hollywood... I would love to know of a good support group but I'll try a few it's just that with another baby due this week it's going to be tough..

Thanks for all the well wishes here... I do come to this board quite ofter and reading other peoples stories is what inspired me to want to quite in the first place..

Unfortunately at home I don't have a good support sustem. My wife doesn't Drink and if I talk to her about my problem all she does is use it against me... (being with her is a whole other can of worms)..

Anyway, thanks for being here for me.. Today is day one agian, I'm going to keep my guard up by whatever means necessary because I've realized that thinking you have won is how you fall right back into this hell hole..

Thaks all

topetah

ohhhhh sounds like me to the tee. im just like you. once we get that booze in our system we lose all control. we dont think straight and end up doing stupid things that we would never do sober. your story sounds just like me. your not alone. when i get drunk or even a few beers in me i lose my ability to think right. so when i get that feeling of a nice buzz i want to step it up a bit. so i go get some coke. and your right the coke isnt even really good for me. i dont know why i do it. but it just happens. i have 6 days sober now and feeling great. dont worry about your slip. just start over again. now you know what to look out for. good luck..jason

topetah

oh and hey i grew up in burbank california. lots of dope around there. yikes! stay strong

Macphisto

Jason... Thanks for the words of advice. I'm glad I don't feel alone in admitting that I went and got coke because like you said I "wanted to step it up"... Sober I would never do coke.. except for that first line It makes my heart race and feel all edgy so it's absolutely no fun... In the past I have thrown all nighters on the stuff but like I said it all comes down to the booze... I have never once done any sort of drug that wasn't due to being buzze doff booze...

And you're right, here in L.A. it is just so easy to score drugs that all you need is a moment of stupidity.

On a lighter note, I'm feeling optimistic about staying sober... What better time to do it than the week my son will be born... I want to teach then by example so I'm really looking forward to staying sober

BehindBlueEyes

"On a lighter note, I'm feeling optimistic about staying sober... What better time to do it than the week my son will be born... I want to teach then by example so I'm really looking forward to staying sober"

You got that right!
Stay strong Macphisto!

topetah

you got the right attitude! this would be the best time to start. i remember when my son was born. i was sober three years then and it was the best time of my life(the baby part). alot of people say do it for yourself! but i dont see anything wrong with the fact is im doing it for my son. he is the most important person in my life. just makes you think about screwing up so much harder when you have a kid. not to say i havent screwed up since he was born but its always nice to raise your kids sober and not subjecting them to all of are addictions. i wish you luck and congrats when your new baby boy is here. man i miss those times

1_day@_a_time

I basically drive right by your house every Monday evening on my way to the best meeting I have attended in yrs. after going to thousands of meetings.

Oh, and re: your wife, if she is not an alcoholic/addict, nothing against her, but she will never understand. Ever. She is not "one of us".

That is exactly why being involved with others with our disease is critical.

Period.

PM me if you want my number.

Tom

1_day@_a_time

and again at the cost of being harsh (this disease IS harsh), my personal experience is:

Nothing, NOTHING, not money, jobs, family, a new baby, a new home, blah, blah, BLAH!!!! keeps this disease in check.

Nothing.........

again, I have found, I MUST develop a whole new character with new principles and associate myself with those who understand this disease, and have considerable experience, sober.

Just my 2 cents........take what ya' want.........

Tom

Macphisto

Tom, thanks for the great advice and the offer, I will PM you to get your number and hopefully I can go to some meetings. I know all that is said is constuctive critisizism so I like it when people are blatently honest with me..

I'll be tested again tonight as I'm going to a sports bar to watch the NCAA final but the way I feel right now drinking is the last thing on my mind. I know it's not a good idea to place myself in an environment where people are drinking but my fall is so recent I'm angry and this think will not beat me tonight..

Thanks again to all who have responded, like I said, my wife will never understand and that causes a big prooblem for us. I'm glad for a site like this where people understand and have had many same experiences so you can relate ...

cheers all...
Carlos