itiswhatitis...

sitting here - with everyone asleep - listening to norah jones - had a glass of wine - it's been a long day - neighborhood easter egg hunt - husband being a short tempered dick - mom leaves a crying message - spring break is this week - were broke - john mayer is now on - *were never gonna stop the world* - you know that's how i feel - defeated - i want to stop the world - the kids were on the back porch - my lil guy and 2 yr old nephew put on these hats with pompom's all over em - then we found one for the dog and we cracked up - my 8 yr old said *i wish we could always be like this* the earlier screaming match between my husband and myself ended with him saying *i'm done - just send them away* (i type that as i cry) - wtf am i doing? - sometimes i feel so futile - like - i don't know - like... i just keep spinning my wheels - and no one notices, especially myself - i just want f*&^in drugs to go away - to not be here - for none of us to hurt - i've had enough - i'm sad - i'm weak - i'm screwing up everyone i love - i want to wake up to 8 o'clock when we were all cracking up on the screened in porch - i want that more than anything...

i don't want to go to bed - i don't want to talk to p - i don't want to deal with all the crap - i just don't - i don't want to be me right now - i know things will be ok - but f*& - i want things to be good - you know - just good - for teke, for cinderella with kids - for all the parents and all the addicts - i want everyone to be good...


and i want to stop crying - i'm so sad - about all of this - it just sucks so much - and it isn't anyone's fault - it just is - but it sucks...

god - i hope you know what you're doing - because i sure don't know much anymore - i wish i did but i want to believe it will get better - please let it get better...

for all of us...


s

greeteachday

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Sometimes I think we just need to go there for a little bit and feel the pain so it gives us the strength to move ahead and to see the rainbow.

You must be so tired. It has to be exhausting with the little ones and the stress of caring for and protecting them all. Money troubles don't make that easier either. I wish I could come and take the kids for a bit for you so you could have a break, and get some rest and spend some relaxing and romantic time with your hubbie and have a chance to recharge.

It helps me to have long talks with my HP when I feel this sad..to let him know I am hurting. I find it doesn't take long for him to show me what it's all about. To create another beautiful day with things to be joyful for.

Hugs and prayers for you and all of your family, that the sorrow of addiction will subside and you may all find comfort and peace.

dixied

hi,

I am absolutely a novice in all of this but I think you are just totally overwhelmed and I can see why. If there wasn't much "drama" in your life before all of this then I imagine your dh longs for it to be the way it was, you know? Without all of the family issues. I know my dh was like that because my AS is my husband's stepson and he did everything for my son as he was growing up.....he really went the extra mile for him and now we are working with the addicition card and have a grandchild as well..............so if I offer any advice I'd say be kind to yourself and those that you love. You have totally stepped up to the plate and cared for those precious children and that speaks volumes for your character. Know that you are the steadying influence on those precious children (yours and your sister's children). Let your husband know , when the timing is right, that you need his support and guidance. Sometimes it is so hard to go to the ones we love and ask for help but usually it pays off. I tell my dh what his support means to me. I tell him if the truth be known I am ashamed of what my son has done and if I could change things I would but it isn't in my power to do that and that if he could just bear with me I'd appreciate it and then he seems to understand what a toll all of this has taken on me. It has affected so many people in my home. They say the actions of the addicted person involve (affect) at least 37 people. I believe that......like a ripple affect. Isn't that amazing how one person can affect so many? But I do believe it. Know that you have support here and that you are not traveling this road alone. I am so proud of you for being so honest. You really deserve the best in life. You take care and know that people here do care. You and yours are in my prayers tonight. hugs, dixie

die tryin

Being where you are at emotionally right now,,,Sux,,There is no otherway to put it..Think about how you got to where you are and what motivated you to make the changes you made.Then,try to focus on the solution..This is the only thing that gets me through these types of situations..Don't give up hope.Your HP already showed ya what made you laugh today..Follow that hint..

notsleepingwell

(((Itis)))

OMG....you are such an inspiration to everyone here!!! Just let go and have a good cry!!! You have taken on sooooo much, and it's gotta be hard. Girl, I don't know how you are doing it and not crackin up.

I can't imagine the stress you and your husband are both under. You are both angels....and I imagine even angels have to have occasional spats!!! Go take a nice bubble bath, lock the door and don't let ANY kids in!!!

Bless you for what you are doing!!!

lostparent

We have 5 kids living here with us ages 7,6,4,4 an 3 so I kind of know how it is sometimes. There are days I think they are all out to get me, an seems like those are the days my husband decides to be short tempered, which only makes things worse. Once I left for 1 hr only to come home an find one kid painting my fridge with hot sauce using a paint roller, 2 were chasing each other around the table ,while another was dancing on the table ! I'm like alright what did you do with Grandpa? Well I found him he was in the bathroom trying to unstop the toilet seems one of the little angels had tried to flush a box of tissues. Having that many kids can wear you out that's for sure. Being short on money just makes it worse.
Also, it's a big adjustment for you an your husband having the extra kids. Give it sometime things will get better, or at least that's what I tell myself..LOL

outonalimb

[QUOTE=itiswhatitis...;1273079]god - i hope you know what you're doing - because i sure don't know much anymore - i wish i did but i want to believe it will get better - please let it get better...for all of us...[QUOTE]

Awww...itis...You sound so tired right now...and overwhelmed...

Of course, I don't know how or when your situation will resolve itself...but I do know that your HP is carrying you thru it. I know I felt alot like you did on several occasions as my marriage crumbled because of addiction...and when I felt my absolute lowest all I could do was offer my life and my struggle up to my HP and ask him to carry me for a while. And He did. He always did. Sometimes the load is just too heavy to carry alone...

I hope you're feeling a little better today...
Sending hugs and strength...

tropikgal2

ItisWhatitis (((HUGS)))) Today is a new day, and I hope that things are at least a little better. Just know that things will get better eventually, just have patience, meditate and pray, and know somehow everything will work out like it is supposed to.

teke

i just got around to reading this and i pray that today is a better day, your hp knows that you are sometimes having it hard but he also knows that you can handle it, i don't think that he would allow you to go through it if you couldn't, he knows and he is there for you and your family. i can imagine how hard it must be, and i know that you have got to be tired, with all you've got going on right now. you sound so tired. i hope that you can get some rest. sounds like it would help if you could find a way to spend some "me" time, with nothing to do but what you want to do.

think about it like this, its because of the kids, can you imagine the impact you and your husband is making on their little lives, where would they be without you. i admire you, you are showing them so much strength and courage and don't forget about the love that you show. your hp knows where you're at and how you are feeling and he will make things better. try to just hold on and just be the great person that you are, there will be great rewards for you, i honestly believe that it will. still praying for all of you

Hangin' In

Itis,

Yep, the overwhelmed feelingl has set in. And it sounds like you feel like it will never go away. Yes, I know and I have a feeling "we" on this board know.

Why not today plan something, if it's only a 30 minute something, just for you. My sponsor has drilled into my head that I have to take healthy care of myself and she's gotten me to believing it. I know the stress you are under with all the kids, so that's why you have to take little snipits of time to recharge yourself.

It can get better and it will get better if you continue to work on your recovery. The painful truth is there are no promises of our loved ones getting clean or sober, but there is the promise that we can get better if we work on ourselves.

And if you don't already go to meetings and can get to them, I'd highly recommend them. They have helped me get my life back, along with the board, of course....all through the help of my HP.

Hang in there, honey. Today is a new day and I can choose to make of it what I want. And one more thing. If your day starts going downhill, you can always start it over, start your 24 hours over with a new attitude that our day will be what you decide it to be.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

hope213

sometime it does get very overwhelming for us.today is another day & i hope it is better for you.you have gone thru alot.do something good for yourself today.i said a prayer for you & yours.hugs,

parentrecovers

it can be so overwhelming. let go, let god. k

best

What a wonderful prayer your post was. Words from the heart all the way through. Your ending reminds me of a song...

Ecclesiastes 3:11
"He hath made every thing beautiful in his time:"

In His Time

In His time, in His time,
He makes all thing beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all thing beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

itiswhatitis...

thank you all so much - and everyone of you is right - today was a brand new day and with it so many good things - and i do have to say it really was a good thing to get all those tears and all that hurt out - today was a good day...

talked to husband and agreed that i have to ask for what i need help with - you know all this time i've really tried to manipulate situations to get people to do what i want - like instead of just asking for someone to take the kids for a half hour i would run around ragged hoping someone would acknowledge my *overwhelmedness* and step up - why would they? - if i would just ask they would help - we all had a good talk about that today...

weather was gorgeous and spent 2 hours at the park with lil guys, my 8 year old, his friend and three of the neighbors - can you say illegally not buckled in but we made it - i took side streets the mile or so to the park - it felt so good to be in the sun and read for a couple of hours - i bought that book *the secret* -if i become wealthy *beyond my wildest dreams* we'll all be going on that cruise we talked about long ago - i'll let you know - it was nice to read though - and the more kids around me - the more they take care of each other - i see how big families keep it together - they really look out for each other...

i went to a meeting tonite and it was really good - sharing your troubles really does lessen your load (i told the other folks about sr so we'll see if there's any new members to share with) - it was good to see friends - big people friends - we're going to a meeting and starbucks thursday - i look forward to it...

tomorrow is supposed to be stormy - i may be back in a horrid mood but i think i'll be ok - crying like i did last nite felt good but it did tire me out - thank you all - for everything...

godspeed,
s

greeteachday

This was something huge I discovered in recovery...I spent a lot of time feeling resentful that my family, especially spouse didn't help out at all and really felt like I shouldn't have to say anything. Well I finally realized that all I was doing was putting myself in a foul mood and building more resentments and I had no right to that if I didn't at least say what I needed.

I wish I could say that this made a huge difference and he helps all the time now...NOT. He does however do his own laundry and makes meals..more often than I do...food just isn't up there on my list. But, if I ask for something, he does it...eventually. And if I don't ask, I accept that it is my choice not to and therefore I either do it myself or it doesn't happen. No room for all the extra baggage I carried.

Hugs and prayers...I'm so glad today was a better day. You are truly an angel takign care of your little ones and your nephews.