INLOVEWITHCH

Ya'll,
I really need some advice. In order to make sure I get the best advice possible, I have to tell you all the whole story... I am so sorry if it bores you, but I am sure ya'll will understand. First of all, my CH relapsed 4 weeks ago after being clean for 3 years. I am not sure what to think about Saturday night.. as I am not sure if he relapsed yet again.
Saturday night my CH was bringing his kids to his sister-in-law's house to spend the night, well I thought this the perfect opportunity for us to go out. I thought he had already revealed to his family that we are dating (this is because I am very good friends with his sister-in-law and we just wanted to make sure the time was right, etc.) but come to find out, this was not the case.
Ok, so, I am thinking "kids are accounted for, I have no plans, he has no plans, let's go out".. well, I asked him "hey let's go out" Great idea, huh? Well he said that he had to "pass it by" his mother-in-law (his wife died and she lives with him to help care for the kids while he is at work, etc.) first and see what she says. A little while later he called me and told me that she was upset about him wanting to go out with me because it was so close to the anniversary of his wife's death. Well, rightfully so, I got upset (not, mad, just upset) I could not understand why a 38 year old needed permission from his mother-in-law to go out, but he said "I am trying to be respectful and keep the peace", etc. So then at about 11:00 p.m. he calls me and says that he wants to see me. So I said come on over. Well, being that I know it takes him 45 minutes to get to my house.. I was expecting him at 12:00 a.m. the latest. 12 comes around and he is not there.. so I call him.. he says he is just leaving the house.... Why is taking him an hour to leave his house??? only God knows!!!! So now the ETA is 1:00 a.m. at 1:00 a.m. still no CH.. so I call him, he says that he is having trouble with his truck and is having to drive really slow. Ok!?!?!? so he tells me where he is which is about 15 minutes away... so at 1:30 he is still not there.. I call again.. this is where the nightmare starts... I get his voice mail.... I call again.. voice mail again.. I send him a text message.. nothing.... I call and call and call. At this point, I am worried, pissed, upset.. I have no clue what to do. So as a last resort at about 2:30 a.m. I call the mother-in-law, because at this point I am conviced that he is cracking it. So while on the phone with her.. about 1/2 hour he pulls up at HIS house.. well she reads him the riot act and then I get on the phone with him.. He tells me the truck story and that he did not answer the phone because he was checking the truck and because he knew I would be mad....and then says "you can come and look at my truck if you don't believe me"... we I don't believe him so I get in my car.. and drive a 45 minute drive in about 30 minutes... to check out his truck.... well, I know nothing about cars, so I cannot tell a transmission problem from a wind shield wiper problem but I wanted to see his eyes, to look in his truck.. etc. Once I got there, I was all over him "you are lying, tell me where you were!! I am sick of your lying!!! Tell me the truth!!!!" Well he stuck to his story and then I busted him cold. I asked his mom-in-law if he even mentioned to her coming over and she said "no" So then I confronted him about that.."I know that you are lying, I asked her blah blah blah, so now tell me the truth, I know you are lying." He admitted lying about that because he said that "they don't want us dating and I am trying to keep everyone happy" So of course my response was "at my expense??" Well at that point, I said "let me see your cell phone" He had no calls in his "recent call list" that means he deleted them all. So now, at this point, he cannot account for where he was for 3 hours. Well this brutal line of questioning lasted until 6 in the morning, at which point he told me he was tired.. Well I said " I am tired too damnit, but you know what, I am done with you yet". I told him " that since we were out there he has every opportunity to tell me the truth and to come clean about any lies he has told me"... He didn't. I then went threw a cheap shot and told him "last year you lost the best thing that could ever happen to you" (his wife) "and tonight you are about to lose the 2nd best thing"... I know that was low, but I was deperate for answers at that point. Everytime throughout the night that he tried to hug me, I would tell him "don't touch me".. I stood so strong until I could not take it anymore and then I started to cry. (He had never seen me cry and being that I am a strong person, crying is not my style) well at that point he knew exactly how upset I was... and he had the look of a little lost boy.. At this point he knew he had screwed up..... All I can say is that I was in rare form that night.. up and until I started to cry, I was on fire... and I did not back down" Well we finally decided to get some rest and so we went inside. Yesterday, he finally told the family that we were seeing each other and I was actually invited over for dinner last night.. we had the best time, but I cannot help to wonder what in the heck happened Saturday night. Any words of wisdom???
Thanks in advance!!!

teke

sorry don't know what happened on saturday but whatever it was, it really affected you and it showed by your reactions. i understand how you feel and how hurt you must be but you do deserve to live a better life. addiction is a powerful force and its not something that you can "just quit", it will take a commitment to some kind of recovery work and until that happens, you'll probably have a lot more nights like saturday night and all the calling and questions, i know may have helped for the moment but addicts will tell you what you need to hear in order to get what they want and it does get so much worse.

i suggest that you take the focus off him and what he is/was doing and put it all on you and decide what you are gonna do to make your own life better. you can not change him or make him do anything, you can only control how you allow his actions and bad choices affect you. sorry that you had to go through all of this, and i pray that you both finds your way soom.

hopeforever

hi,,,
im sorry you hada bad weekend..
i understand i had many like this..
u will never know what really happens,, thats why try to concentrate on yourself,, and tryto stay happy.. and take the good fromlife..
and gets ome support. for u.
ihope if hes back to his old wys he can find som e help.
hugs to you and i pray for u

hope213

i feel your pain of not knowing where he was.i am glad he told the family about you also. as far as the sat.nite thing goes that is what OUR recovery is all about.taking care of ourselves & our addicts taking care of themselves.it does not matter at this point where he was.you were up all nite because of something YOU can not control.i am sorry for your pain,but you can make it better for yourself by letting go of your addict,let go or be dragged.the only one you can control is you.i say all of this because i care.prayers for you both,hope

INLOVEWITHCH

Can you guys tell me what kind of meeting I would go to? My guy is a crack addict. Thanks!!!

teke

it is suggested that you attend at least 6 alanon or naranon meetings, find one that suites you. keep posting here and ask as many questions as you need to or just want to. learn all you can on addiction and maybe codependancy. i think that you are doing good and is well on your way in your recovery. just keep going.still praying for ya

frankie_b

Have you read the sticky at the top of this forum, What Addicts Do?
It's very accurate. Codies get crazy in reaction to addicts. Consider Saturday night and how you were affected. Meetings were a life saver for me.
Recovery is about learning new behaviors that help codies find balance and peace for their lives and unlearning patterns that harm
our emotional, spiritual well being.

kj21

I have had many nights like your Saturday night...It is so frustating and draining. Hoping, hoping, hoping, then realizing they are not coming. I get the "be right there", "on my way", "See you in 5 mins." I can't believe how much the same they seem to be! It helps to know we are not alone and other peoople understand our lives. Good luck and I hope you don't have to endure any more nights like that.

parentrecovers

sorry you are struggling, inlovewith. addicts are not reliable. i understand. blessings, k

Blackrose2756

I, too, could tell you everything that was going to happen. Word for word. By the way, addicts wouldn't call this a "relapse". He's in full blown "active addiction". And he's using you & his mother-in-law to deny what he is doing. I can also tell you that my ex could look me in the face & lie to me, after reliable sources had seen him at the crack house. They have NO conscious when they are using. I went through everything you did. And if he's not attending meetings, has a sponsor, goes to counseling, etc.....nothing is going to change.

I don't know how long you have known this man, but I'd run for the hills. He has more issues than crack addiction. Lost his wife less than a year ago & he's dating??? Still lives with his mother-in-law?? This guy ain't ready to clean up his act.

Sorry, but that has been MY experience.

Lynne

INLOVEWITHCH

Blackrose,
Thank you very much for your advice. I can honestly say that I am in no way ready to run for the hills. I have always been a very strong person and and although Saturday night I let his addiction get the best of me... I also laid down the ground work. In other words, he saw another (the worst) side of me and I made sure to make it perfectly clear to him that I am not going down with him. Of course, he never admitted to smoking crack or to doing anything, but I am not stupid. Although I have known of him for a long time (I am friends with his sister-in-law) I have only been dating him for 3 months. I know that if I want the best of him that I also have to deal with the worst of him, but for the time being the best far outweigh the worst. Should they become equal or opposite, I will then run for the hills. Yes, Saturday night was a nightmare, but last night I spent the evening with his kids and him and I am hoping that he might have seen what an awesome life it COULD be.
Am I in denial? I don't think so, because I know that he has a problem, but I also know that he is going to meetings, etc. I guess only time will tell.

laketime

hello , sorry about saturday, my as is 20 an has been an addict for about five years. rehab, recovery, relapse those are all terms of addiction and terms we come to know all to well. this is just me and not intended to tell you in any way how to live your life, because i just dont know about your life. i have no choice but to be involved with the recovery ,relapse, and excruciating agony of my sons addiction, simply because he is my son. afterall he is my son. hes my son. its just so horrible recognizing that he has an incurable, unrelenting disease. it will last his entire lifetime. hence the saying "just for today" thinking about anything that involves his future actions, situations, or wherabouts will just drive me crazy. even when were detached emotionally and physically its hard to let your hp take over and not worry about where he is and how hes doing, but,,,,,,,, if he were not my son. i would run away from his situation and addiction so fast my head would swim. i would move a whole world away, anywhere but here. it is simply to painful for humans to endure. so i don't know if you have a choice, but if you do, i would talk to my higher power about signing up for a life with an addict. again its just me, im certainly not trying to give advice. this board is a great place to learn about addiction and living with addicts.

LGLG07

i too know just what you are going through . ive done it many times w/mine , he is an alcoholic/addict too .. that crack is a tough thing .
you cannot have a logical conversation with them , telling the truth just rolls off of our tongue but they are not like us , telling the truth , no matter how insignificant it is , comes as a chore to them , they actually have to think abt it like we would have to think about lying . and if they cant convince you of what they are saying they confuse you so by the end of the nght your head is spinning and your not even sure what just took place .

you have a choice to make , you can keep playing into him and going round and round .. or the next time he calls and says hes on his way .. go back to sleep until he gets there . you cannot stop whats going to happen so you might as well get a good nights rest

kj0975

I know u want answers but relationships are built on trust and respect. After 3 months u dont trust and he doesnt respect u enough to tell the truth. Whats left? If I felt for one minute that I couldnt trust my fiance I would run for the hills cause there is nothing left if I have to spend hours questioning him like I'm his parole officer for nothing. I already know he will lie. Well thats my exab. In 4yrs I never doubted what my fiance is telling me I have gotten the 2am phone call saying on my way home and he comes home a few hrs later. I just ask wtf happended he says oh I went to an after hours party lost track of time. Never have to question him about drugs or other women. I trust what he says not that I'm not pissed but I take him for his word thats all. A relationship without trust isnt a relationship its a parent/child relationship where u have to ? what he is and where he was and blah blah blah. Sorry may sound harsh but I know what your future could be like been there done that already. I'm not saying that my relationship right now is all roses but there is trust and respect (for the most part).

Blackrose2756

I am a strong woman as well, but I found myself yelling at my ex like you did, but 3 years into the relationship. As things progressed, it got worse & worse. I cried, I yelled, I laid down ground rules. And I stepped over every one. I did & said things I never thought I would. And I finally had to leave. Read through the posts. Most of us went through what you are going through now & in very few cases did it end up a "happy ending". And 3 months into the relationship....you have nothing to build on, no trust, no respect. He started out badly & I don't see it getting better. Hopefully, I am wrong. But like the rest of us, you'll learn in time the way we did. Sorry, to sound so harsh, but I've learned the hard way & I wish that I could save just ONE person the heartache you are asking for.

rose

Any involvement with an active addict is upsetting, I really have to ask why you are jumping in so strong and expecting so much. Let alone the crack, it has been such a short time that he has lost the mother of his children.

Is he really into a relationship? We get angy and set boundaries for the purpose of protecting ourselves and to stop enabling them, but from my experience with my husband he didn't give a hoot when I went off on him and it sure didn't make him stop using.

Just hate to see anyone going down a rocky road when there is no need for it.

Rose