Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Introduction
Hello all,
I just found this site, and I registered hoping to get some support. Although I am sure you have heard it all before, here is the story of my brother, who turns 35 this year....and of my parents, who support him...
About 6 years ago, maybe even more, my brother began using. It started with coke, and with time he turned to crack. About 5 years ago, the problem becasue very apparent. He was lying, stealing, and borrowing money from anyone he could. He was working for my father (the plan was always for my brother to take over the family business) and his work habits became disgusting. He lost the house he was renting, and moved in with my parents.
For the next three years he lived with my folks; he paid no rent, no food money, and continued to work (as he needed money) for my parents. My parents denied the problems he was having, even though drug deals were happening at there house, and people were constantly phoning and coming by for money that was owed.
My brother stole business cheques (cashing many of them) stole money, clothing, booze, stereos etc etc etc. He took out credit cards in my parents name, charged them up, pawned the purchases, and then repeated. He stole my bank card 2 days before christmas, and cleaned me out.
Throughout this time, I was living in another city, and so was my sister. We heard details over the phone from my parents, but they refused to handle the situation in any way. My parents would continually pay off dealers, they would even lie to each other about what my brother was doing, becuase "they knew it would hurt the other so much to know the truth." This led to my brother getiing 2x the money from them. My parents saw a few additions counsellors, and all told them they needed to stop enabling him, and kick him out. My parents response was "they dont know anything...how did they even get that job, they are so ignorant."
When my parents finally told him he needed to get help or he would have to move out, he decided to go to rehab. He called everyday crying, saying it was the worst tourture a person could be put through. My parents felt like it was all their fault, and were waiting with open arms after 33 days.
Because he didnt want treatment, it was VERY clear he would not change his ways. As soon as he started slipping, he decided to take a job up north (where the drug problems are epidemic). Although he was in the oil fields, working as a journyman welder, he couldnt find (or keep) a job. After 8 months of calling daily needing money, he returned to live with my parents.
During the last year, my husband and I took a huge leap, and purchased the business my parents ran. Although it was meant for my brother, he was in no shape to run a company, and we were ready for the responsibility. We worked everything out with my parents, and the deal was done. 1 week before we took over, my brother came home to my parents. We believe they told him to come back to work for us.
So, once he was back, he seemed to be clean, but that didnt last. He was able to find a job (excellent wages and benefits), but he lost it wiithin a month. Two days after he lost his job, my parents leased him a new 2007 truck, "so he could have something to work towards." At the same time, my dad, who was working with us in the business, had to go for back surgery.
We were railroaded into getting my brother in to help, as we were understaffed. We made it clear this was the only chance he had, and by the first weeks end, we had fired him. He broke into the business, and we had people coming to pick up things he had sold them the night before...
After firing him, my parents refused to talk to me. The only thing my mom said was that I was "stupid" and that becuase of my attitude, my brother will probably never talk to me again. I had brought this on myself, and if we fail, we would know why...
So, now my parents have outfitted a welding truck for him, and he is actively approaching our customers for business. (as he does have more experience than my husband).
He is using again, heavily, and we are not sure what to do any more. My mom wont talk to me since I told her he was using, and we are getting people come to the shop daily looking for him...with pay up or else threats...
He is still living with my parents, contributing nothing. I am looking into getting a restraining order so he cannot come on our property, but I am not sure what else to do to protect ourselves.
Sorry about the rambling rant...I just needed to vent. I obviously have major hostility towards my parents who continue to deny his addiction. How do you all cope with the people who are just as bad as the addict?
Sad sister...
I just found this site, and I registered hoping to get some support. Although I am sure you have heard it all before, here is the story of my brother, who turns 35 this year....and of my parents, who support him...
About 6 years ago, maybe even more, my brother began using. It started with coke, and with time he turned to crack. About 5 years ago, the problem becasue very apparent. He was lying, stealing, and borrowing money from anyone he could. He was working for my father (the plan was always for my brother to take over the family business) and his work habits became disgusting. He lost the house he was renting, and moved in with my parents.
For the next three years he lived with my folks; he paid no rent, no food money, and continued to work (as he needed money) for my parents. My parents denied the problems he was having, even though drug deals were happening at there house, and people were constantly phoning and coming by for money that was owed.
My brother stole business cheques (cashing many of them) stole money, clothing, booze, stereos etc etc etc. He took out credit cards in my parents name, charged them up, pawned the purchases, and then repeated. He stole my bank card 2 days before christmas, and cleaned me out.
Throughout this time, I was living in another city, and so was my sister. We heard details over the phone from my parents, but they refused to handle the situation in any way. My parents would continually pay off dealers, they would even lie to each other about what my brother was doing, becuase "they knew it would hurt the other so much to know the truth." This led to my brother getiing 2x the money from them. My parents saw a few additions counsellors, and all told them they needed to stop enabling him, and kick him out. My parents response was "they dont know anything...how did they even get that job, they are so ignorant."
When my parents finally told him he needed to get help or he would have to move out, he decided to go to rehab. He called everyday crying, saying it was the worst tourture a person could be put through. My parents felt like it was all their fault, and were waiting with open arms after 33 days.
Because he didnt want treatment, it was VERY clear he would not change his ways. As soon as he started slipping, he decided to take a job up north (where the drug problems are epidemic). Although he was in the oil fields, working as a journyman welder, he couldnt find (or keep) a job. After 8 months of calling daily needing money, he returned to live with my parents.
During the last year, my husband and I took a huge leap, and purchased the business my parents ran. Although it was meant for my brother, he was in no shape to run a company, and we were ready for the responsibility. We worked everything out with my parents, and the deal was done. 1 week before we took over, my brother came home to my parents. We believe they told him to come back to work for us.
So, once he was back, he seemed to be clean, but that didnt last. He was able to find a job (excellent wages and benefits), but he lost it wiithin a month. Two days after he lost his job, my parents leased him a new 2007 truck, "so he could have something to work towards." At the same time, my dad, who was working with us in the business, had to go for back surgery.
We were railroaded into getting my brother in to help, as we were understaffed. We made it clear this was the only chance he had, and by the first weeks end, we had fired him. He broke into the business, and we had people coming to pick up things he had sold them the night before...
After firing him, my parents refused to talk to me. The only thing my mom said was that I was "stupid" and that becuase of my attitude, my brother will probably never talk to me again. I had brought this on myself, and if we fail, we would know why...
So, now my parents have outfitted a welding truck for him, and he is actively approaching our customers for business. (as he does have more experience than my husband).
He is using again, heavily, and we are not sure what to do any more. My mom wont talk to me since I told her he was using, and we are getting people come to the shop daily looking for him...with pay up or else threats...
He is still living with my parents, contributing nothing. I am looking into getting a restraining order so he cannot come on our property, but I am not sure what else to do to protect ourselves.
Sorry about the rambling rant...I just needed to vent. I obviously have major hostility towards my parents who continue to deny his addiction. How do you all cope with the people who are just as bad as the addict?
Sad sister...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 42
Oh sweetie I am so sad for you, what a place to be in. I can not offer any advice to you tonight for I am in my own nightmare, I just want you to know that you are not alone. There are many people who are in your situation, as I am, that know you are fighting a hugh battle, I will pray for you and hope that you can find comfort, even if it is moment to moment...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am sorry all of this is happening to your family.please keep coming back.we have all been where u are at.read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do". there is nothing you nor your parents can do for him,nothing. he has got to hit him bottom then he will be ready for help. prayers for all of you,hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. Your parents are deep in denial and there is nothing that you can do to make them change. It is sad when what they think they are doing for your brother is helping, when in actuality they are really hurting him. You sound like you are definitely not in denial about his addiction and are trying to keep yourself sane and safe. My daughter is my addict and I have done my share of enabling in the past. But when I kept doing the same thing and getting the same results I decided that I needed to do something different. Your parents may never get it. But you can take care of you and protect you. Feel free to vent all you want. It does help. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Even more complicated with the business involved.
Unfortunatley, just like we can not control the addict, we can't really control the enablers either. Your parents seem completely stuck in denial...they are as sick as he is. Other than perhaps offering them some Alanon or Naranon literature or seeing if they would come to a meeting with you, there isn't much you can do.
All you can do is help yourself. Please keep reading here and posting...there are many wonderful people on this site. Hugs
Unfortunatley, just like we can not control the addict, we can't really control the enablers either. Your parents seem completely stuck in denial...they are as sick as he is. Other than perhaps offering them some Alanon or Naranon literature or seeing if they would come to a meeting with you, there isn't much you can do.
All you can do is help yourself. Please keep reading here and posting...there are many wonderful people on this site. Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hi. Sorry to meet you like this.
Do all you can to protect yourselves even if that may mean going to the police and reporting the break in and the theft.. and even if that means he has to do jail time.
You are in a hard place but you need to take care of you first. You have choices. You always have choices, tho the addict and his enablers would love for you to believe you do not.
Do all you can to protect yourselves even if that may mean going to the police and reporting the break in and the theft.. and even if that means he has to do jail time.
You are in a hard place but you need to take care of you first. You have choices. You always have choices, tho the addict and his enablers would love for you to believe you do not.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Welcome to our community, My son is an addict and has been for 3 years. In reading about your parents, I see bits of myself. I am recovering right along with my kid. Addiction destroys families, but you don't have to let it destroy you. REad and post, there are many experienced people on this site that can help. I think trying to remove yourself from the drama is important, although very diffiicutl when it's people you love. Hang in there.
krhea
krhea
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, glad to meet you, the addict in my life is my hubby his doc is crack, i agree with the others. i'm sorry about your parent and your brother, there is nothing that you can do to help your brother or your parents other than offer info and maybe a meeting.
i agree with you about the restraining order, ithink that's a good idea if thata what you decide to do, at least jail would be a safer place fof your brother right now, but only if thats what you decide to do for you. i pray that your family finds their way soon, in the meantime, try to do all you know to do to take of you and what is important to you. your brother may need to be able to suffer the consequences of his own actions, and i'm sorry to say but this may help your parents. maybe if you could take a step back an allow them to work it out, if thats what they decide to do. the choice is yours. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
i agree with you about the restraining order, ithink that's a good idea if thata what you decide to do, at least jail would be a safer place fof your brother right now, but only if thats what you decide to do for you. i pray that your family finds their way soon, in the meantime, try to do all you know to do to take of you and what is important to you. your brother may need to be able to suffer the consequences of his own actions, and i'm sorry to say but this may help your parents. maybe if you could take a step back an allow them to work it out, if thats what they decide to do. the choice is yours. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I'm sorry you are going though this. Many of us here have dealt with other family members in denial about loved ones. My addict is my daughter; her DOC is cocaine.
I agree to yourself protect . The restraining order may sound harsh, but it is what our addicts need sometimes. No more bending the rules for them.
Please do what ever it takes to protect you and your family.
Your parents will have to learn in their own time when they are ready to face the truth.
Good luck and keep posting.
HUGS!
Terri
I agree to yourself protect . The restraining order may sound harsh, but it is what our addicts need sometimes. No more bending the rules for them.
Please do what ever it takes to protect you and your family.
Your parents will have to learn in their own time when they are ready to face the truth.
Good luck and keep posting.
HUGS!
Terri
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, pull up a chair, lots of great people here.
Although, my issues are a little different, I can relate. My Mom is an alcoholic, she has been drinking for over 60 years. There were times I had to take a break from her, once for 4 years, once for 10 years. I had to escape from the maddness, and get my marbles back in one bag.
Your parents may never see the light, but, you have. Protect yourself and your business, step back for awhile, view from a distance, watch what happens, hopefully your parents will reach their bottom, and understand that they are not helping him by enabling. If they don't, there is really nothing you can do, except go on with your life.
As for the new welding truck, I wouldn't worry about it too much, being an addict he will not follow through on his committments and his little business will soon be gone, and the truck too.
In addition to my Mom, I was involved with an addict, for 2 years, your brothers behavior is indicitive of an addict on a downward spiral. Until I stood up and said "Enough" nothing changed, same old, same old.
I am just curious is he the only son, or, the "baby"?
Nice to meet you, keep posting, and support others who post, we are all in this together, trying to row in the same direction.
Dolly
Although, my issues are a little different, I can relate. My Mom is an alcoholic, she has been drinking for over 60 years. There were times I had to take a break from her, once for 4 years, once for 10 years. I had to escape from the maddness, and get my marbles back in one bag.
Your parents may never see the light, but, you have. Protect yourself and your business, step back for awhile, view from a distance, watch what happens, hopefully your parents will reach their bottom, and understand that they are not helping him by enabling. If they don't, there is really nothing you can do, except go on with your life.
As for the new welding truck, I wouldn't worry about it too much, being an addict he will not follow through on his committments and his little business will soon be gone, and the truck too.
In addition to my Mom, I was involved with an addict, for 2 years, your brothers behavior is indicitive of an addict on a downward spiral. Until I stood up and said "Enough" nothing changed, same old, same old.
I am just curious is he the only son, or, the "baby"?
Nice to meet you, keep posting, and support others who post, we are all in this together, trying to row in the same direction.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Welcome to SR. You found a great place for support. This site has saved my sanity many times. I also was in denial about my son for awhile, I had a feeling but didn't want to open my eyes to the fact. Him and his exagf stole my checks, stole money out of my account, cleaned me out many times, stole my ATM card, stole items and sold them from my home. I had to hit bottom before I told them they had to leave.
Please seek the advise of a lawyer for your concerns about your business and protecting yourself from your brother. If your clients leave they will be back when your brother screws up or steals from them. He might have more experience but an addict has trouble doing this correctly or at all.
Try to go to meetings, they help, if you can talk your parents into going with you that might open their eyes to what is going on. If not get material from a meeting and mail it to them. If they get bad about it oh well, they will get over it once they see you are right. If not they might get the phone call that he is either in jail or yes worse Dead.
I will pray for you and your family to find the strength to do what is best at this time and to get through it.
Please seek the advise of a lawyer for your concerns about your business and protecting yourself from your brother. If your clients leave they will be back when your brother screws up or steals from them. He might have more experience but an addict has trouble doing this correctly or at all.
Try to go to meetings, they help, if you can talk your parents into going with you that might open their eyes to what is going on. If not get material from a meeting and mail it to them. If they get bad about it oh well, they will get over it once they see you are right. If not they might get the phone call that he is either in jail or yes worse Dead.
I will pray for you and your family to find the strength to do what is best at this time and to get through it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Thank you everyone for the replies. It's comforting to know I am not alone, although I wish we didnt have to have such a tragedy in common.
As for my brother, he is the oldest of 3 children, and the only boy. Hes 34, my sis is 29, and im 26
I think I have done very well at keeping him and his problems out of my life. Although I have not cut off contact completely, I have not and will not contact him, I only see him when he comes to my house for money (and I ALWAYS say no) or when I visit my parents and he is home.
I want to be able to cut my parents out completely as well. Watching what they do for him makes me ill. but he is such a master of deception. I dont thinks its quite the norm that my 35 year old brother cries everyday when he doesnt get his way (his smokes, his money for gas..etc etc)
My parents are so scared to throw him out, they worry he will end up dead. But as long as he is in there house, he will not hit bottom.
My sister has been a great support system for me, as has my husband.
__________
UPDATE
Well, what a rollercoaster day. I went to our shop to have coffee with my husband, and who shows up but my brother. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said he had more right to be there than I did. I could have spit fire I was so mad. I told him I couldnt deal with him, and left...
First stop - my parents house. I went there as my mom had needed some addresses from me, and I was going to tell her that I would no longer be coming over. She was free to come and visit me, but as long as my brother was living there, I could not come by to visit.
A few seconds later, my brother shows up, screaming about what a b!tch I am, and how I am no longer his sister. We fight, and I tell him (again) that I think he's using and that as long as he brings his problems around me and my business, I dont want anything to do with him. He says he doesnt want to see me ever again.
I apologized to my mom for all the yelling, and told her to send me the list of names I was there to get, and she said that she will find the addresses herself, and that she doesnt need anything from me. (another slap in the face from mom, but hey, whats new)
So mom left and my brother proceeded to tell me how im the one ruining his life. I know that it is hard for him to see us running the business that was meant for him, but thats not my problem. He said that I need to shut my mouth, because I dont know ****, but he still couldnt explain why people were looking for him for the money he had borrowed.
He toldme that he's clean, and that all I am doing is making people hate him by bringing up all the stuff about the money he owes. He wanted to hit me...and I was in his face, and he just moved me out of his way...
We screamed and yelled and cried for a long time...and finally sat down to talk...
He promised me he was not using...just pot...and that he struggles everyday...he apologized...and then told me about all the things he is doing right...he said he didnt want the new truck, and that my parents put it in there names, with the payments coming from their account, and he tried to take it back, but he would have to buy out the lease...for about $18000
So he came over...gave me a hug, and said that he was sorry, and that he will earn my trust again...and that he hopes we could start over...
I am just at the point where I can break myself free...shut the door, and continue my life...and then this all happens and im sucked back in.
He makes me feel like im the one who's the *******..and that I am out to get him...and that all the signs im seeing arent really there...
So here I am again...wondering if maybe he is clean? I dont belive it....but I want to...and I dont...if he is clean, and im doing this to him, well, i wouldnt be able to forgive myself...but im sure he's using...all the signs are there...but maybe...just maybe....
I guess Im not as strong as I thought I was....
As for my brother, he is the oldest of 3 children, and the only boy. Hes 34, my sis is 29, and im 26
I think I have done very well at keeping him and his problems out of my life. Although I have not cut off contact completely, I have not and will not contact him, I only see him when he comes to my house for money (and I ALWAYS say no) or when I visit my parents and he is home.
I want to be able to cut my parents out completely as well. Watching what they do for him makes me ill. but he is such a master of deception. I dont thinks its quite the norm that my 35 year old brother cries everyday when he doesnt get his way (his smokes, his money for gas..etc etc)
My parents are so scared to throw him out, they worry he will end up dead. But as long as he is in there house, he will not hit bottom.
My sister has been a great support system for me, as has my husband.
__________
UPDATE
Well, what a rollercoaster day. I went to our shop to have coffee with my husband, and who shows up but my brother. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said he had more right to be there than I did. I could have spit fire I was so mad. I told him I couldnt deal with him, and left...
First stop - my parents house. I went there as my mom had needed some addresses from me, and I was going to tell her that I would no longer be coming over. She was free to come and visit me, but as long as my brother was living there, I could not come by to visit.
A few seconds later, my brother shows up, screaming about what a b!tch I am, and how I am no longer his sister. We fight, and I tell him (again) that I think he's using and that as long as he brings his problems around me and my business, I dont want anything to do with him. He says he doesnt want to see me ever again.
I apologized to my mom for all the yelling, and told her to send me the list of names I was there to get, and she said that she will find the addresses herself, and that she doesnt need anything from me. (another slap in the face from mom, but hey, whats new)
So mom left and my brother proceeded to tell me how im the one ruining his life. I know that it is hard for him to see us running the business that was meant for him, but thats not my problem. He said that I need to shut my mouth, because I dont know ****, but he still couldnt explain why people were looking for him for the money he had borrowed.
He toldme that he's clean, and that all I am doing is making people hate him by bringing up all the stuff about the money he owes. He wanted to hit me...and I was in his face, and he just moved me out of his way...
We screamed and yelled and cried for a long time...and finally sat down to talk...
He promised me he was not using...just pot...and that he struggles everyday...he apologized...and then told me about all the things he is doing right...he said he didnt want the new truck, and that my parents put it in there names, with the payments coming from their account, and he tried to take it back, but he would have to buy out the lease...for about $18000
So he came over...gave me a hug, and said that he was sorry, and that he will earn my trust again...and that he hopes we could start over...
I am just at the point where I can break myself free...shut the door, and continue my life...and then this all happens and im sucked back in.
He makes me feel like im the one who's the *******..and that I am out to get him...and that all the signs im seeing arent really there...
So here I am again...wondering if maybe he is clean? I dont belive it....but I want to...and I dont...if he is clean, and im doing this to him, well, i wouldnt be able to forgive myself...but im sure he's using...all the signs are there...but maybe...just maybe....
I guess Im not as strong as I thought I was....
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Rub,
Welcome to SR. You've found a great source of support here. We all understand what you are going through for we've all experienced similar things with our addicted loved one.
I would like to suggest finding face to face Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for yourself. It would be great if your parents would go, but even if they won't, they could surely help you in handling all of this. I know my meetings have helped save my sanity.
Keep coming back and posting. We're here for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. You've found a great source of support here. We all understand what you are going through for we've all experienced similar things with our addicted loved one.
I would like to suggest finding face to face Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for yourself. It would be great if your parents would go, but even if they won't, they could surely help you in handling all of this. I know my meetings have helped save my sanity.
Keep coming back and posting. We're here for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rub, Since a little tears and sweet talk could pull you back in so easily, imagine what it must be like for your parents. That is not to say that it is okay what they are doing. But maybe you can see how manipulative an addict can be and when it is your child and you fear that death is right around the corner for them well... Stand firm on your boundaries with your brother. It is not up to you to make things right. Let him prove by his actions that he is clean. If he is and he works a program he will make amends. That can take a long time though, so in the meantime don't let his words be your signpost. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Rub,
Meetings, that's your answer. People, like us, who have all the same problems of dealing with the same roller coaster ride.
When I was younger, I dealt with the same kind of problem, my brother, (the only son, AND the baby) was being enabled by my mother, it took my father threatening to leave her, to make her see the light. By the way, my brother has been sober 15 years now.
I was lucky in that situation, I lived in a different state, but when I came home I took over the enabling....(I'm a tad smarter now...not much, but a tad....)
Also in my opinion addicts can charm the pants off of you, I've seen it happen. So chances are, if you think he's using, he is.
Hugs to you,
Meetings, that's your answer. People, like us, who have all the same problems of dealing with the same roller coaster ride.
When I was younger, I dealt with the same kind of problem, my brother, (the only son, AND the baby) was being enabled by my mother, it took my father threatening to leave her, to make her see the light. By the way, my brother has been sober 15 years now.
I was lucky in that situation, I lived in a different state, but when I came home I took over the enabling....(I'm a tad smarter now...not much, but a tad....)
Also in my opinion addicts can charm the pants off of you, I've seen it happen. So chances are, if you think he's using, he is.
Hugs to you,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I can certainly understandn your confusion! Our addicts know our weak and strong parts and will use them to their advantage to get what they want. I was fooled too many times by my daughter and it will take a very long time to trust her again.
If he is working his program, he should understand what it takes to gain your trust again.
Stay strong!
Terri
If he is working his program, he should understand what it takes to gain your trust again.
Stay strong!
Terri
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