Don't think I can do it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Don't think I can do it
I feel so much anger and resentment right now towards my abf.
I really hate him for how much I love him and for what his addiction has put me through/had me deal with.
This morning I found out some news that confirmed I am not crazy and he has not in fact been in recovery. He is back to his "using behavior" and I am not sure I can put up with it anymore. I love him but am in so much pain. For whatever reason it's difficult for me to get through my head that he is *sick* and an addict and our relationship has not failed because he does not love me, etc.
He continues to deny his usage and tells me that "he is going to recover and prove everyone wrong and he does not need me in his life to do it."
I don't even know if there is any truth to this. My negative voice keeps telling me that he is through with me/does not love me and that I always ruin everything. Such a shame because I am deeply insecure and have low self worth to begin with so my negative voice feeds directly into all the crap he is telling me about how crazy I am, how I'm nothing without him and how worthless I am at my core. This in turn cycles and makes me deeply resentful for someone who use to care for me and love me so deeply could turn this way.
Right now I feel bottomless despair. I am going to try to get to meetings this upcoming week, but right now I am so deeply devestated.
After all of this... all he cares about is finding out who I talked to that told me this information. That hurts so much. He does not care whether or not he loses me in his life.
The difference with him is that he will not try to come back. He will shut me out. He will be done.
He does not need anything from me so he won't keep coming back to ask things from me. In other fits of rage we have returned belongings, keys etc. (Why does THAT hurt me???)
He would just as easily walk away from me and from all the crazy making I'VE been doing in the face of this addiciton- all of the obsessiveness, lashing out, hysterics, game-playing etc.
I call crying telling him how cruel he is and he just mimics me, asks for gifts he gave me back etc. and keeps telling me he doesn't care and I should stop calling. I feel so desperate and pathetic (which I think is deflecting his issues/the addiciton?) and he's making me feel like I am the lunatic.
Why am I holding on to someone like this???
I really hate him for how much I love him and for what his addiction has put me through/had me deal with.
This morning I found out some news that confirmed I am not crazy and he has not in fact been in recovery. He is back to his "using behavior" and I am not sure I can put up with it anymore. I love him but am in so much pain. For whatever reason it's difficult for me to get through my head that he is *sick* and an addict and our relationship has not failed because he does not love me, etc.
He continues to deny his usage and tells me that "he is going to recover and prove everyone wrong and he does not need me in his life to do it."
I don't even know if there is any truth to this. My negative voice keeps telling me that he is through with me/does not love me and that I always ruin everything. Such a shame because I am deeply insecure and have low self worth to begin with so my negative voice feeds directly into all the crap he is telling me about how crazy I am, how I'm nothing without him and how worthless I am at my core. This in turn cycles and makes me deeply resentful for someone who use to care for me and love me so deeply could turn this way.
Right now I feel bottomless despair. I am going to try to get to meetings this upcoming week, but right now I am so deeply devestated.
After all of this... all he cares about is finding out who I talked to that told me this information. That hurts so much. He does not care whether or not he loses me in his life.
The difference with him is that he will not try to come back. He will shut me out. He will be done.
He does not need anything from me so he won't keep coming back to ask things from me. In other fits of rage we have returned belongings, keys etc. (Why does THAT hurt me???)
He would just as easily walk away from me and from all the crazy making I'VE been doing in the face of this addiciton- all of the obsessiveness, lashing out, hysterics, game-playing etc.
I call crying telling him how cruel he is and he just mimics me, asks for gifts he gave me back etc. and keeps telling me he doesn't care and I should stop calling. I feel so desperate and pathetic (which I think is deflecting his issues/the addiciton?) and he's making me feel like I am the lunatic.
Why am I holding on to someone like this???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Because you love him. And because you want to know "why". I did the same thing. The man I knew not only gave me up, but also he has nothing to do with his daughters or his grandson who is 2. It took me a LONG time to realize it wasn't me. I had to talk to a few conselors on the subject & I talked to a few "recovering" addicts. They all told me the same thing. And I did a lot of things you did. In fact, I spoke to my ex in January to offer condolences on the death of his mother. We were talking very nicely & he told me that we weren't together because I left him. And moved 2,000 miles away & how could we be together now. And that us splitting up had nothing to do with love for each other. (Then I can hear the door of their trailer open & his bimbo starts screaming at him about what b***ch is he on the phone with now.) And his whole tuned changed once she was in the room. Suddenly, he was telling me that we were both playing a game & it's done now. See.....insanity....oh, & he's still using. So, now She has the pain & misery I gave up.
When I would look into my ex's eyes when he was in active addiction there was NOBODY there, just darkness & anger & nothing. Cold, dark, cruel. And the only thing they love is CRACK
When I would look into my ex's eyes when he was in active addiction there was NOBODY there, just darkness & anger & nothing. Cold, dark, cruel. And the only thing they love is CRACK
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. What helped me with my AD was when I separated my daughter into two persons. One was the loving daughter I raised that was as sweet as pie; the other daughter was the addict daughter who doesn't care about anything that stands in the way of her drug.
I can choose to remember the nice sweet thing; and I will always remember her.
I can choose to remember the addict daughter who will say anything and do anything in order for her to get her cocaine.
This is where she is now, but I recognize it as the addict daughter. Not the daughter I knew before.
If and when she comes back to us, she will be a different person and so will I. Hopefully we both will grow in our recovery and be able to tolerate each other better.
When he talks to you in such a bad way, remember that this is his addict persona and not the man you know a a sober and loving person.
Hugs to you and keep posting.
Terri
I can choose to remember the nice sweet thing; and I will always remember her.
I can choose to remember the addict daughter who will say anything and do anything in order for her to get her cocaine.
This is where she is now, but I recognize it as the addict daughter. Not the daughter I knew before.
If and when she comes back to us, she will be a different person and so will I. Hopefully we both will grow in our recovery and be able to tolerate each other better.
When he talks to you in such a bad way, remember that this is his addict persona and not the man you know a a sober and loving person.
Hugs to you and keep posting.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
hi im sorryfor all the pain that u have iknow its not easy..
stay strong and dont let no one barek u,, brake ur spirit.!!
i think is he is in denayal,, hes nor ready to recover,, step number one is admitt to be and addict,,
i hope things will get better foru,, and stay striong,, and ims ure that youre a wonderfull person,, so dont brake your heart!!
hugsto you and i pray for both of u,
stay strong and dont let no one barek u,, brake ur spirit.!!
i think is he is in denayal,, hes nor ready to recover,, step number one is admitt to be and addict,,
i hope things will get better foru,, and stay striong,, and ims ure that youre a wonderfull person,, so dont brake your heart!!
hugsto you and i pray for both of u,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Angel.. you will know all of the answers to your questions when you are ready. You will hit your rock bottom. One fine day, you will wake up from your slumber.. look around and realize that your the most loving, careing, smart, beautiful, courageous, insiring, and amazing woman.
Suddenly he won't have controlled your thoughts. You will have hit your rock bottom and you will discover everything you need out of your life. You will shine like you have never shone before. Happy thoughts and asperations will fill your heart and smiles will appear on your face.
You will know, when you are ready. Take one day at a time dear.. tomorrow may just surprise you.
Suddenly he won't have controlled your thoughts. You will have hit your rock bottom and you will discover everything you need out of your life. You will shine like you have never shone before. Happy thoughts and asperations will fill your heart and smiles will appear on your face.
You will know, when you are ready. Take one day at a time dear.. tomorrow may just surprise you.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i am so sorry that you are hurting, my husband used to manipulate me in the same way, i learned that nothing he had to say about me was the truth. this is none of your fault, and you deserve more that you are allowing for your life. he's an addict and that what they do. have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? have you gone to any alanon meeting?
addicts lie about everything, and will blame everybody else for their bad choices. you are right to want to live a different life, but if he can convince you that what he is saying to you is the truth, you will stay stuck right where you are. try to come up with a plan for your life, how do you want your life to look like in the near future, and work toward that goal. you are worth so much more than he wants you to believe, and i believe that in his heart of hearts, he knows this, too.
maybe it time for you to prove to yourself that you are much better than he is giving you credit for. maybe you can find a few alanon or naranon meetings to go to, read all you can on addiction. he is an addict and his behavior is common for addicts, that just how they are and how they do. if you feel in your gut that he is using then he probably is. try to go on what you believe to be true and learn how to get through that. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
addicts lie about everything, and will blame everybody else for their bad choices. you are right to want to live a different life, but if he can convince you that what he is saying to you is the truth, you will stay stuck right where you are. try to come up with a plan for your life, how do you want your life to look like in the near future, and work toward that goal. you are worth so much more than he wants you to believe, and i believe that in his heart of hearts, he knows this, too.
maybe it time for you to prove to yourself that you are much better than he is giving you credit for. maybe you can find a few alanon or naranon meetings to go to, read all you can on addiction. he is an addict and his behavior is common for addicts, that just how they are and how they do. if you feel in your gut that he is using then he probably is. try to go on what you believe to be true and learn how to get through that. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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