Cynay

OK..... So this might seem dumb for others....It is huge for me.

Last night I was sitting in front of my journal trying to think of something different then the normal I have been writing to be thankful for. I started reflecting on my life as it is today and how it has changed in the last 5 years... and what I want in life now, what is happening compared to what my heart really wants and what is healthy/good for me... and then how to go about it. For the most part Im pretty happy with my life, my career is good and looking better, my personal finances are good and looking better, my goals are coming together right on time, my recovery is doing well, though there are a couple things I found that Im going to change...The only part of my life that has given me grief is romantic relationships. SO ... God and I started talking about this issue and

HOLY COW - Bear with me here.

I kept looking for what I was doing wrong, if I was choosing unavailable men, if I was looking for men that had issues or needed to be fixed... whatever the issue .... then started looking at who I am and what I "really" want in a relationship.... not the iceing but the bread and butter. I came up with the foundation of what I would like to have in my life and then compared it to the last 3 men I have dated.... Guess what, Im doing pretty good... all of them had the fundemental things I wanted ... I dont think any of them needed fixing, they were fixing themselves just fine... Honestly I think all 3 were pretty great in there own ways... so God and I started talking again and Im sorry to say that I fell asleep on him.

This morning we picked up the conversation again and it then came to me.... the Life Lesson: Up until the last 2 relationships it has never been a Good Ending. I dont know about you but Im not friends with any of the ex's except the last 2... Now I admitt they were short relationships, but regardless I love them both (of course not a mature love).... the other relationship (1st of the 3) did not end Good but much better then the previous ones....

Im reading the book Mars & Venus starting over and one of the things it talks about is Good ending make good beginnings. It talks about "to move on in our lives and to find love again, we must fully feel and grieve our loss" If we do not complete this process there is no way we can have our whole heart open to a new and possibly "the one" relationship. We are not completely healed till the only emotion that remains is love, (remember progress not perfection) that the anger, sadness, Fear and sorrow are healed.

My last 2 endings have been good endings. Though the relationship ended, I am still friends with them, I still love them and there are none of the other healing emotions left.... ok maybe some sorrow for the last one, but nothing time will not take care of.

Guess what! Here I was thinking that God forgot that I dont want to be single the rest of my life.... Today I can put in my journal that Im thankful that he is working with me to prepare me for that wonderful loving/healthy relationship that I have been working toward and he has been preparing me for all my life. Soon my heart will be completely open and today I know what I want for a foundation. I have a clear understanding of what is really important to me, how I want to be treated, and the foundation that will create a lasting/loving relationship.... Now how great is that!

SaTiT

you didn't get struck by lighting falling asleep on god ?

I heard a little bit of the mars and venus. I couln't understand it
probably becuase i was from mars.
However i do comprehend it in martians.
I'm one of those martians that trips and fall down between the 2 doors, or rather star gates

thanks for sharing Cyany

Cindi R

I read Dr John Gray's Mar's & Venus back several years ago... in '95 I think before I was clean & sober. It made a lot of sense then...would probably make even more sense now...
although I heard in treatment that many of us had read multiple "self help" books and that it basically only taught us how to be even better at playing games and being even sicker...
BWAHAAAA......hysterical laughter....cause there's some element of truth to that as well....

volsgal1162

Cynay,
That is wonderful....

Nuudawn

Cynay..thank you for sharing this wonderful post. I love what you had to say.

Cynay

Well its only a thought.

I guess we I will find out in time if it is the right though. It does however help me with alot of the feelings that I struggle with. Guilt, rejection, and the famous one of not being good enough.

And you never know.... One of the people that I developed a loving relationship with in the past could be "the one" and we were not ready when it happened the first time......

NOT......my ex-AH though.... When I think back today there is not one of them I hate today, or one of them that I cant think of with some love.... There have been some amazing men in my life....

but regardless of if "the one" is a new or old love.... today this thought gives me some senerity and maybe just maybe Im on the right path.... Just keeping my heart open and enjoying the journey.

denny57

I've only had 2 long term relationships, the first from ages 21 to 28 and the other with AH from ages 31 to 49. I dated when not in either of those, but no "relationships." The first one ended fine (though he was a substance abuser), but I have no contact with him. There will be no "good ending" with AH, though I now realize that is more from the abuse side than the alcohol.

I agree with you Cynay - I have been learning this past year and a half - and continue to learn - just what I want and need in any new relationship. I look forward to having a healthy one.

aztchr

I never dated. Always tried to rescue who I thought I could help. That's how people saw me anyway as the one they could go to when they needed something. I was the academic rescuer trying to fit into the social groups. Never really worked throughout high school , then continued into young adulthood. I had 2 long term relationships first one from ages 23-24, then my most recent with my exabf 25-30. 5 years...thought this was the one!

Yep, it was the one to teach me to have a relationship with myself first and clearly stop trying to save everyone. My new beginning is off to a nice start.

DesertEyes

Wow Cynay that is awesome. I am _so_ happy for you. The way I see it they're not really "endings", if we have enough faith they are _beginnings_. I think you just found the faith to make them into beginnings. I learned that lesson from a pelican

Mike

MsGolightly

cynay, i loved your post!

you definitely will have a relationship in the future that is loving, honest, and BEAUTIFUL, because you deserve it!

Cynay

Good guys are so sweet.

Im still feeling really peaceful today.

I have no doubt that I will have an amazing relationship.... heck it better be good, he has been grooming me for long enough. Guess Im a slow learner.

HolyQow

Ok I'll play the bad guy here:

What's wrong with being alone?

In my experience, after my divorce, I truly accepted that I would just have to learn to live with myself...and if that meant for the rest of my life, I was okay with that......then I met AH.....

I think it was one of the best times of my life. I was happy with myself. I worked. I didn't worry about anyone else ('cept the kids). And apparently how I felt about myself showed, because I attracted lots of different guys. So instead of having a "wish list" of qualities you are looking for......hmm, just a post it note of qualities to avoid.

It sounds like you have it all together, but maybe looking too hard. I swear it happens when you least expect it and when you are definately not looking for it. And I didn't have a post it note with me on the day I ran into AH......darn it.

Cynay

OMG you are tooo cute.... remind me to keep the sticky with me at all times.

Nothing is wrong with being alone hon.... I have been single (dating yes) for almost 8 years and it took me a good 5 of them to become comfortable being alone... I do enjoy life and I am single... so "having to have?" is not the issue.....

With that said.... HolyQow ... I dont want to be alone the rest of my life.

I want to have a loving, healthy, beautiful relationship with a very special man... Im willing to wait till he finds me... but not for one moment has it crossed my mind that I would be single the rest of my days....

Not that single is bad/wrong..... It is just not what I want or who I am. I want that amazing closeness that only a man and women in love can share... I want that person to lean on and to hold during that good and hard times... I want a healthy/loving relationship.

OK..... If it does not come along, Im ok with where I am and actually Im a very happy person today. If that is what his plan for me is ... Im good....

But it is my understanding that he wants us to be happy, joyous and free...

Too me that means having it all and a close, healthy, loving, committed relationship is part of that joyous life.

Make sense? I would like to have a life partner.... I dont "need" one.

denny57

I actually love being alone. My first serious relationship, though 5 years (I should have typed 21 to 26, but saw it too late to edit), was long distance and I always lived on my own, from the age of 18 to 34, when I married AH. I've just never had a problem with it. Never been someone who goes looking for relationships. That's just me.

In the meantime, I just keeping meeting great people.

Cynay

Im not sure Im look for a relationship..... and HOLY C#ap the last guy that happens to be interested in my is NOT going to happen...

But Im not apposed to a relationship either.... and I would welcome the right person into my life. I love being single and living alone.... but the thought of having a loving/healthy relationship with a man is something I would love to have too.

I will just leave it up to God and see what his plan is for me.

ICU

I think this is one of those things that if you keep yourself open to it, it will happen. Your positive and healthy attitude will attract it into your life.

Cynay

I guess it is just a question of being willing and open to what ever he decides...

Well almost.... the last guy that is interested in me I just cant see.... he is a pastor for ______ sakes.... Im hoping I just misread the signs...

Who says God does not have a sense of humor.

Grace

I'm happy for you. I've always wanted to find a nice guy, but have had a tendency to chase them away. Once I'm out of this relationship AGAIN, I will take a much needed break from ANY relationship.

Glad to hear that things are going well for you.
I think God has a good plan for you!

Much love and have a great weekend!
Grace

Sunflower

I agree with HolyQow---I have been single for all but the 2-3 years I was married at 19---so I have been single for 28 years...In my 20s and 30s I dated and was happy with that--companionship...nothing serious...I have never been one for long term relationships (but that is a problem from my childhood I think) Still I like men....just never found the right one.And I have to say my life has been complete without one--I also enjoy being single---I don't need anyone to lean on or help me make choices I do that myself---and being single has never stopped me from doing anything I want to. I do believe most people want one though and I am sure one will be put in your path....

lillamy

Cynay,
it's been my experience that the more content you are to just be yourself, be with yourself, be who you are and be happy in yourself -- the more likely you are to stumble on people wanting to be in a relationship with you.

And God does have a good sense of humor! :lol