adamjhsober

Hi,

I was just wondering if any of you who post here are alcoholic yourselves. I am an alcoholic adult child and have a history of relapse. I have recently been getting more involved in doing the steps of AA & feel change taking place but I still get intense feelings of rage & shame. These often feel physically painful and I usually find I go through a period of despair & have a strong desire to act out in some way although I can often let this desire pass. Does anyone have any experiences on this?
Adam

socalgal

Adam,

Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic, been sober for about 13 years now. I had to have a real solid sobriety going on before I could even bbegin to deal with the shame and despair from my childhood. I am thinking about your question and will post more after I've had some time to reflect. In the meantime, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Question - When you say you have a strong desire to "act out" do you mean you want to drink?

-K

came2believe

I am a recovering alcoholic also, and an adult child. I suspect there are many of us.

I had 13 months sobriety before I embarked on adult child work. Then, I realized I needed more AA than I was getting. So, I began going back to AA every day for awhile. I am not attending adult child meetings right now, but am reading books on codependency and adult child issues.

The other day at an AA meeting a woman mentioned the fact that her father beat her and gave some specifics that sent memories flashing through me. It was basically the same experience I had down to the details. I never think about this.

My father is an alcoholic and is mentally ill. He is diagnosed with depression, however, I STRONGLY believe he is bipolar and self-medicates.

My mother was codependent in the early years of their marriage. I wish she would have just left him when myself and my sister were small, and protected us from his rages and insanity. However, she was not strong enough to do so. Then, I guess what happened is, she threw in the towel and became an alcoholic herself.

So during my teenage years, I had no one but my friends. Guess which kinds of friends I was attracted to, alcoholics and drug addicts. I guess you could write the script very easily. lol Anyway, I think I was an alcoholic from the age of 10, when the first drink was poured for me at a party as a sort of "joke" I suppose--boy, that was really funny when I got drunk and began cracking off color jokes at the dinner table. I was hooked right from then.

Anyway, I ran out of the meeting and began to cry. I felt three emotions toward my father, all intense. They are intense rage, fear, and underneath it, a rather desperate love. I don't understand these emotions.

I had the chance to go to Al-Anon today, but went to AA instead. I would like to talk to this woman at my AA on Wednesday but I am not ready to get slammed in the face like that again. I don't think I am really ready for the intensity of ACA work right now. Maybe that is a cop-out though. But, my own sobriety has to come first.

I wish I could help you. I am struggling myself, however, maybe it helps just to know I am here too. xx

DesertEyes

I'm in AA. It took me about 2 years of solid AA work before my head was stable enough to handle ACA issues. Since then I do AA _first_, and when I feel strong and stable I'll do ACA or go to therapy for the ACA issues. I also went to ISA for awhile along with therapy. Recently I found that al-anon helps me with a lot of issues.

There's days I'm not sure _what_ meeting I'm in, they all start to blur after awhile. I should just start a new program and call it Rainbow Anonymous

Mike

BigSis

Alanonic alcoholic compulsive overeater with a tendency to abuse drugs and gambling, here.

Born of 2 alcoholics, all three of us kids are/were (1 deceased) alcoholic with one sibling also a drug addict. Both parents got sober 25 years ago and sis got sober 2.5 years ago.



I stopped drinking 23 years ago - no program. Used rage and control as coping tools. Found relief when I joined Alanon to deal with my 2 children who both developed addiction. Have since discovered a great women in recovery (AA/Alanon) group, a wonderful 12-step/not OA but we use their materials Destructive Eating group and a great resource in the 12-step world.

My life has become ... wonderful.

SaTiT

I got the ism all over me.
Came into recovery in 1992 and saw the pink elephant.
relapsed 9/04...currently have around 2 1/2 yrs.

Oldest sister married a heavy drinker (she dose drink or use)

second older sister is heavily medicated, who knows what pills ??? mmmm...she's not all there.

baby sister...divorced an alcoholic and dyfunctional or can't put her life on track. (she dosent drink or use)

mom don't drink but is co-dependent or enables...still walking on eggshells

My eldest sister probably has more understanding for me.
She's an RN and also suffers from MS. She works sometype
of spiritual program to keep her MS in remission.

Cindi R

ACOA/father...& mom with psych issues, both of them from dysfunctional families, just of a different nature. Bonded with and married another adult child, we spent 25 years getting sicker and had a couple of kids. I left him when I got sober so that I could protect my children....but they still seem to have our genes...and it may have all been for nothing, last week I had the rug pulled out from under me when I found out that one of them is using. I guess that I'd hoped that my sobriety would somehow prevent their need to go down the same path....
But as much as I want to say eff it and go out and get loaded...I know that it's not the answer.
So I'm back to one day at a time....
Just for today....
Steps 1,2 & 3.
The serenity prayer...

katwomankc

wow. i am a child of a alcoholic mother. me myself never abused alcohol. however i am a drug addict. with 90 days clean. and i am on step four and i am seeing how my mothers alcoholism has affected me as being a person. however i am not mad at her anymore. i have god in my life today, and i love my mother and pray for her. thanks i am kimmie a recovering addict

GingerM

Heavy binge drinker for a year, dry for 3 years, binged again for a year, dry since '91.

AC of two alcoholics who are also both AC's of alcoholics.

I didn't use any program to stop drinking, I used the fear of becoming my parents to do it. Compared to quitting smoking (which I still haven't managed), I found quitting drinking much easier - not to say it was easy, it pretty much involved giving up my entire social circle and completely changing my lifestyle, which is no small task, but still it was easier than smoking.

I don't crave or desire alcohol anymore, although I still have desires to "make it all fade away". I 'use' books for that now. Probably not always the healthiest way of coping, but better than drugs/alcohol.

adamjhsober

Thanx everyone for the responses. In response to Socalgal, my "desire to act out" isn't necessarily wanting to drink but more acting out through excessive thinking & ruminating on things in my mind, or seeking escapism through a variety of ways. I also feel intense feelings of shame & rage that I just tend to try and hold & allow to pass. I appreciate what everyone is saying bout waiting till you're longer sober but my stuff just sort of broke out after I relapsed & started therapy. I don't feel I can put a lid on it entirely although I'm not focussing on it as much as I was.

socalgal

Adam,

Yeah, I was going to suggest therapy. That's really where I work on most of my ACA stuff. The shame and rage and pain and sadness are intense feelings. It is hard to "feel" them without the alcohol. Thinking and ruminating on things can be helpful or harmful. For me, I often have to think on things and turn them over and over again just to process or try to understand them. The thing I need to do, though, is eventually talk to someone about them (this is where a therapist is helpful) instead of allow them to turn into a sort of toxin.

The pain of feeling is normal. That doesn't mean it is easy. It just means that there is not something wrong with you. The challenge, of course, is to be able to sit with the pain until it passes. There are ways to deal with this. I have found journaling very helpful. Talk about what you are going through. It really does help.

There is a really good book by John Bradshaw called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It might be helpful.

Remember there is no time limit on dealing with this stuff. Sorry to say, it won't go away, but it will wait. I waited a long time (and, unfortunately, it didn't go away!).

Hope that is somewhat helpful.

Take care, stay sober.

Love
-K

helpus

My mother is an alcohlic. She has serious psycolgicial problems. She had some horrific thigs happen to her as a child. Growing up she was in & out of the psyc ward. She thinks she can drink. Yeah ok. My aunt also thinks she had a period where she abused perscription drugs. My brother is an recovering alcoholic/drug addict. He has 14 years clean. He did it himself, no program. I am very aware of my tendencies.

adamjhsober

thanks fir the recommendation socalgal. I have actually read a book by John Bradshaw and got a lot out of it so I will look into that again. I used to write a lot more stuff down as well because it seemed to unblock me emotionally when I got stuck in certain feelings. A few of the old-timers around here have been telling me to stop beating myself up so much & I think I need to let that advice sink in more. Anyway it's all odaat isn't it. Hope you're all well!
adam

lostmdboy

Both my parents were heavy drinkers (not for me to say they were alkies), but I am definately an alcoholic.

lavendae

My dad drank all growing up -- we even drank together for awhile in high school. I got sober through AA & CA in 2000; he's still drinking, dying, and causing havoc in our lives.

I'm an alcoholic & drug addict who has eating issues, PTSD, etc., etc., etc.....

Thanks for posting this -- I have a real hard time going to Al-ANon meetings cause I'm an alcoholic, and I feel like they're talking about me! Its really hard sitting in those rooms listening to people talk about the alcoholic and how horrible they are when I'm sitting there too. And that alot of the people in the rooms cannot relate to the alcoholic. I know there are double winners meetings, but I have a real hard time finding any.

I also have trouble dealing with my mom's untreated Al-Anon-ism-- I need a program for alcoholics to go to to deal with their sick Al-anon family members!!!

At 7 years sober, I'm finally getting to the point of considering working on this aspect of my disease. Theres just always so much to work on, and part of me doesnt want to spend the rest of my life trying to cope with my past.

Sober03

Adam,

I can attest to being an ACOA and an Alcoholic myself. I have yet to go to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic meeting, but I am leaning towards doing that in the near future.

My father was a raging alcoholic for years, and for a long time I was on the receiving end of that, verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically. He will have 10 years sober (dry) in November, and today, I have over just over 5 and 1/2 years sober.

Our relationship is totally different today than it was 5 years ago. It took both of us to stop drinking in order to have a relationship of any description. Even though we talk now, there are still some unhealed wounds that I need to work on for myself, that A.A.'s 12 steps haven't fully closed.

I am sober for me, not for my Father or anyone else. If he chose to drink again, that would be his decision. I am in recovery for the long haul, and exploring other programs to help with my struggles may be a worth while thing.

Keep doing what you are doing and you can work through anything.

Jackie36

Hi, Both my parents and alot of family drank, partied all growing up. I started drinking at 13. I am 41 now, with years of drinking under my belt. I have been sober 7 months total out of this year, but have been relapsing after about a months time since June. My luck, and time are running out, this is day 1 again for me. I have not truly worked the program yet, I need to get a sponser. What are the ACOA meetings like?

jll657

I grew up in a family where drinking was a social event. As a child there were always drunken parties and sober adults were few. Growing up I associated being social as being a drinker. I started drinking at 13 which included smoking pot. At age 16 I was getting into harder drugs and drinking +3 nights a week.
I got kicked out at 17 and moved in with a sister in a different city. I sobered up from drugs and drank a tad less until I was of legal age.

I got pregnant at 20 and did not drink through my pregnancy at all which was the longest period of time sober beforee I started drinking. Since that part of my life was over, I lost many "friends" and acquaintances. I started drinking alone whenever my boyfriend and I would fight.

In the last month I stopped keeping liquor in the house but still go out once a month. When I do go out, I cannot control myself and over drink. I end up sick with a hang
over, embarressed of my actions and guilty about letting myself behave that way.

One day it would be nice to be completely sober but have so few examples of people who are completely sober.

Dee74

There's thousands of examples here Jil

D

EternalQ

I am an adult grandchild of a severe alcoholic. I never met my grandfather but he was a severe town drunk, often literally in the gutter. He stole from his wife and my Mom and her sisters (his daughters) for money to buy alcohol. He stole my Dads watch when Dad was courting Mom and hocked it at a pawn shop. My Mom went and bought it back for my father.

My Mom and her sisters were hid behind the boiler each night by their Mother when their father came home drunk till he passed out. My Mother was severely anxious and fearful. She had great difficulty trusting my father. She easily misinterpreted. To her credit she drank only on special occasions.

I see my Moms traits and my Grandfathers alcoholism in myself. And I am determined that this painful heritage stops with me.