PINKSPRITE

hI ALL I AM NEW HERE, THIS SITE HAS BEEN RECOMMENDED TO ME BY MY MOTHE IN LAW. yOU SEE THE PROBLEM IS MY HUSBANDS FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND I AM WORRIED THAT MY HUSBAND IS GOING THE SAME WAY. hE SAYS DRINKING TWO OR THREE A NIGHT IS FINE BUT TS NEVER TWO OR THREE, THEN HE GOES OUT AND ENDS UP GETTING ARRESTED OR BEATEN UP AND JUST MAKES A COMPLETE IDIOT OF HIMSELF. THEN LAST NIGHT HE CAME HOME WITH HIS DAD AND THEY WERE BOTH DRUNK AS FARTS, FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE, CHEERING BECAUSE THEY HAS JUST GOT BARRED FROM ANOTHER PUB, AND MY HUSBAND WAS ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING MY FATHER IN LAW TO HAVE A JOINT AND DRIVE HOME. yOU SEE MY HUSBAND SMOKES WEEDTO AS WELL AS DRINKING. iS HE AN ALCOHOLIC? I AM CONFUSED AND ANGRY BECAUSE IT KEEPS HAPPENING AND I DONT WANT MY CHILDREN TO GET INVOLVED.

ANY ADVICE WOULD HELP. THIS IS ALL A BIT SCARY FOR ME......

dollydo

Welcome,

Trust your gut, red flags all over your post...he may not be an alcoholic yet, but he sounds like he is on the path to becoming one.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, this will get worse, until he embraces total soberity (gives up pot too).

It is his choice, you cannot stop him, you cannot control his drinkinhg, this is his problem to solve.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Dolly

ICU

Welcome to SR Pinksprite!

It's been said that it doesn't really matter if he 'is' or 'isn't' an alcoholic. What does matter is if 'you' have issues with his drinking and his associated behavior.

It is true that if he is an alcoholic, it is his problem and only he can solve it, but it's also considered a family problem as well as it affects everyone involved. But there are things that you can do, for yourself and your children.

Many people here go to Alanon to learn 'tools' of how to deal with a loved one's addiction, or substance abuse. The intent is 'not' to change 'them', but to try to learn to live a peaceful life inspite of it. Some people will leave the relationship, while others opt to stay. It's up to the individual whatever they choose, whatever is best for you!

Please take some time to read the posts here and the sticky threads listed at the top of the forum. There are threads that cover the topics of 'how to detach', 'setting boundaries', etc. that you may find helpful.

It can take some time for these concepts to sink in, at least it did with me. But the more knowledge you gain, the easier it will be for you to make 'educated' decisions for yourself and your family.

Please keep coming back, ask questions, and vent when you need to. We all understand the difficulty, the range of emotions, and the heartbreak!

PINKSPRITE

what should i be doing then, do i ignore and just try to carry on with a normal life?
I dont understand what i am supposed to do, i have tried keeping the drink out of my house he doesnt touch it for a week and then goes back and it all starts again, when he is not drinking or stoned he is funny, loving, caring, but when he is around his dad and they are both drinking he becomes a differnet person. The problem i have is i love the sober one not the drunk one.

i get that i shouldnt argue with him and ignore him because that doenst get me any where other than having a huge fight to which i just back doen because he only hears his own voice and not mine.

what do i do?

lostmdboy

I know I have no real good answers, because I lived in your cituation from the other side. I do know that your husband will have to decide to change him self, for him self. Nothing you do will do that. Have you considered ALanon? It may give you some insights, as well as comfort.

PINKSPRITE

ok so do i let him carry on the way he is and i just get on with my life with the kids? what if he never changes do i leave? i am so confused and feel so lost and i have nobody to talk to about this. The only other person is my mother in law and she has her own problems as her husband ( my father in law) has been an alcoholic for thirty years.

denny57

Hi Pinksprite

Welcome to SR!

I'm going to ask, too, have you thought about or tried Al-Anon?

hope3

Hi pinksprite, the stickies at the top of this forum

may help you to get some thoughts on what you

should do, best wishes, hope3

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

chero

Pink, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! It's so awful the destruction alcohol takes on everyone! You asked some important questions:

Do you let him carry on the way he is? I've asked myself that question for nearly the entire 12 years of my marriage to my AH. I've come to understand I can't change him. He has to want to change and want help. You next question is the real one...

What if he never changes? You've got to do some real soul searching and decide what you are prepared to live with. What if he never changes? Are you willing to stay with him forever if he continues drinking?

I only can tell you my experience, which minus the father-in-law and kids sounds like yours. I've stayed for now. I'm not sure what the future holds but I know what I'm doing today. What has been the most beneficial lesson for me is realizing that I'm not in control of him or his drinking. The only person I can change is me.

I wish none of us had to go through this. But maybe you could try Alanon. And keep posting on here and asking questions! The people here have been where you are and are sooo wise!
I'm praying for you and your family! Welcome to SR!
Much love and support! Cheryl

PINKSPRITE

yes i have been to al but it didnt help me. i dont know why it didnt but this site has given me more advice than they ever did...

PINKSPRITE

i dont know if they are run differently here in the uk compared to your in the states but the help here is bad........

chero

Then please keep coming back! I haven't been to Alanon because I can't find any meetings in my area but they say it takes several meetings to get something out of it. I don't know!?!
But I'm glad you've made that first step on here! Post away!

PINKSPRITE

chero thanks your a rock i will probably on here all the time now..
its just nice ti have someone to listen to me. i cant talk to my own famil because all theyy do is tell me to kick him out they dont understand.

denny57

Al-Anon isn't about advice. Many of us walk in there thinking it will get the drinker to stop drinking. Your posts suggest you are also looking for that answer here. How many meetings did you go to?

One of the most important things I learned in Al-Anon, here at SR and in therapy is that it isn't about the drinker, it is about me. I have choices. I no longer make my decisions based on someone else's drinking or non-drinking. Alcohol is no longer the center of my universe.

Coming at it from an angle of ignoring "him" and throwing out "his" booze, etc. keeps the emphasis on the drinker. It was a very difficult concept for me to understand, as my whole life came to center on the alcoholic. That's what happens.

Keep posting and look forward to getting to know you.

Pick-a-name

Hi,Pink! How wonderful that your MIL referred you here....this place has helpd me to understand and figure out some of the anwers to the questions you asked.

A few great books that I found that really helped me start untangling the mess our family was living in are: "Under the Influence" and the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for a few "preview" chapters posted online). Reading and posting here has helped me so much,especially because it is available 24/7. Many others make ALANON an important part of their recovery.

Stick around! We are glad you are here. We've all been where you are and understand much,if not all, you are going thru.

PINKSPRITE

i think my problem with al is that idont believe in god so i find it had to understand how God can make things better. Yes there are lots of answers im looking for but reading other threads on here has made me realize a lot of things. Your right, i cant controll him or change him i can only controll and change myself for myself and my kids. I am going to make a chnge tody and start living my life for myself and kids instead of living in dread and waiting for something bad to happen.
Today is the start of the rest of my life....

hope2bhappy

Hi, pinksprite. In answer to your question do you just let him carry on... yeah, you kind of have to, because there is nothing you can do to change him or his drinking. In answer to your question do you leave... this is entirely up to you, and everyone's situation is different. Most importantly, this is a decision you have to make for yourself, alone. Many people leave. Many people stay. If you think leaving him will change him, then forget it, because it won't. Not a very bright outlook, is it?

Your solution to dealing with this illness is to educate yourself about the disease. Read everything you can. That is where I would start. I think it's a bit early to be advising you to "work on yourself." You can't possibly understand this advice, until you first understand the disease. Educating yourself is the first step. Working on yourself is the second step. My opinion.

Keep posting.

chero

H2BH, Is right! READ, READ, READ!!! LEARN everything you can! Good advice!!!!

chero

This is the first step! Bravo to you!!
Today is your present so get out there and open it up!:present:
And keep coming back and talking and posting and telling us how things are going with you!
Have a great first day!
, Cheryl

hope2bhappy

I am English/American. Many of my family live in England. They don't have a belief (or very strong belief) in God, either. I've always noticed that the English are very reserved when it comes to religion. This is in stark contrast to most of the U.S., which I see as a deeply religious country. I know that not everyone believes in God (as I understand Him), and I've wondered how the 12 step program is worked for this segment of the population. So many of the steps are based on the belief of a Higher Power. How do they work when you have no belief?