Am I asking too much?????????????
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
Am I asking too much?????????????
Hello to all. It has been a while since my last post. Just a little background information: I have been married to my AH for 16 years ( all of which alcohol has been a problem), we have 2 kids, and have been fighting about alcohol almost our entire marriage. Two years ago I told my husband that "I" had had enough and that I was done. He agreed to go to AA and outpatient therapy. After numerous relapses over the last 2 years, quitting outpatient therapy, and all of the crazy lies, etc I came to my boiling point this past Jan. I first asked him to move out. He said that he would but never would. "I" then found a rehab facility nearby, got it set up, but he said that he would never go. He told me that he was "working his program" for me and the kids all of this time and that he now how to do it for himself. I still did not believe him, however, I still believed that God wanted me in this marriage. He said to me, "I have not given up on myself...please don't give up on me" Isn't that special? It is almost like I have given up on the fight and don't feel like doing it anymore. It has been almost 2 months and up until last night I don't think he had been drinking. I called home from out of town and he sounded funny. I got home today and my 8 year old that was with him said, "Mom, please don't get mad at dad, but I think he was drinking last night. He spent a lot of time in the garage and he smelt like alcohol." How pitiful that a child has to play detective.
I asked him today and he said that he had not drank and that it would just take our kids time to trust him again. I could smell it on him today. We talked about our marriage and sex life. He said "Why can't we have sex?" (It has been a couple of months.) I told him that I had told him in the past that when he made the appt. with a marriage counselor, made an effort and was at least making efforts to go to as many AA meetings as he could that we could think about intimacy again. He said, "If you are expecting me to go to AA everyday you can forget it....I don't have time to all of the time. I am working from 7 to 7 and am too busy."
I am trying to set some boundaries...am I asking too much? I have finally gotten it from alanon, etc. that I can not control his program, etc. I am not trying to do that. But I know and he has even said in the past that you can not stay sober without AA. I am so done with this marriage in so many ways. He told me tonight that if it wasn't for my kids he would have been gone along time ago. I know that I am not perfect, but what have I done except wanted a good marriage and an intact family. I am starting to feel hopeless..........................
I asked him today and he said that he had not drank and that it would just take our kids time to trust him again. I could smell it on him today. We talked about our marriage and sex life. He said "Why can't we have sex?" (It has been a couple of months.) I told him that I had told him in the past that when he made the appt. with a marriage counselor, made an effort and was at least making efforts to go to as many AA meetings as he could that we could think about intimacy again. He said, "If you are expecting me to go to AA everyday you can forget it....I don't have time to all of the time. I am working from 7 to 7 and am too busy."
I am trying to set some boundaries...am I asking too much? I have finally gotten it from alanon, etc. that I can not control his program, etc. I am not trying to do that. But I know and he has even said in the past that you can not stay sober without AA. I am so done with this marriage in so many ways. He told me tonight that if it wasn't for my kids he would have been gone along time ago. I know that I am not perfect, but what have I done except wanted a good marriage and an intact family. I am starting to feel hopeless..........................
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
peace, you aren't asking for too much! i think setting boundaries is a great idea, but make them very firm. my boundaries constantly change, and it only ends up hurting me in the end and making me feel like a fool, while my A isn't effected at all.
but, it is up to you whether you want to stay or leave. i know how difficult the entire situation is, but please think about yourself and your children and what's best for you. you will never know how things will turn out with your husband in the future - will he stay sober or will he choose not to be - so you're taking a chance no matter what you do.
from what i've read from the stories of others, most of us stayed and set boundaries for awhile, until we couldn't handle it anymore. some alcoholics never change, some do. don't you wish we could see into the future to find out how our lives are going to turn out so we can change things now?
your situation isn't hopeless... none of ours are... but the only thing we can actually change is ourselves (but you already knew that
)
but, it is up to you whether you want to stay or leave. i know how difficult the entire situation is, but please think about yourself and your children and what's best for you. you will never know how things will turn out with your husband in the future - will he stay sober or will he choose not to be - so you're taking a chance no matter what you do.
from what i've read from the stories of others, most of us stayed and set boundaries for awhile, until we couldn't handle it anymore. some alcoholics never change, some do. don't you wish we could see into the future to find out how our lives are going to turn out so we can change things now?
your situation isn't hopeless... none of ours are... but the only thing we can actually change is ourselves (but you already knew that
)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
InThisForMe- You are so right!!!!!!!! I am taking a chance either way! I guess that I will know when I can't take it anymore. I am sitting here in bed right now with my laptop as he sits beside me reading his book and we haven't said a word to one another. The way we left our argument today was, "Well....I guess we will just coexist in our house for the next 10 years until our youngest gets out of high school." I don't think that in reality I can do that either. Your proverb at the bottom of your post will ring true!!!!
P.S. Is asking him to at least make and effort and attend aa meetings a few times a week trying to control his recovery??? That is not my intention... it is to get him to show me that he is willing to do what it takes to keep our marriage together.
P.S. Is asking him to at least make and effort and attend aa meetings a few times a week trying to control his recovery??? That is not my intention... it is to get him to show me that he is willing to do what it takes to keep our marriage together.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
peace, i would probably suggest that AA is a good idea, but not tell him or force him to go... that has gotten me nowhere in the past. there was a rare handful of times that my ex would go to an open meeting with me (for me to support her) when i asked, but when i would suggest something like "this was a great meeting; we should go next week" or ask when the next meeting she wanted to go to was... she'd always say "we'll see" - well it was months of "we'll see"ing and no meetings were attended. basically, whenever i asked, i was shot down anyway because SHE didn't think it was important for him to go. however, she always knew i was willing to go with her should she decide that's what she wanted to do.
many of us struggle with control issues... if he only did this for me; if he only showed me he cared enough about me to do this; if he only stopped drinking for a day because i asked him to... most of the time, it only ends up as a disappointment.
in the end, it's up to YOU to decide how you want to live your life
many of us struggle with control issues... if he only did this for me; if he only showed me he cared enough about me to do this; if he only stopped drinking for a day because i asked him to... most of the time, it only ends up as a disappointment.
in the end, it's up to YOU to decide how you want to live your life
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
P.S. Is asking him to at least make and effort and attend aa meetings a few times a week trying to control his recovery??? That is not my intention... it is to get him to show me that he is willing to do what it takes to keep our marriage together.
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
There is no way he can show you anything right now.. His first love, his mistress so to speak is ALCOHOL.
So that leaves you to work on you and make a life for you and your children. Can you do that with a practicing alkie in the house?? Only you know.
You have to decide what your boundaries are, then present them and stick to them. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
Alanon can be a great help for you.
J M H O
Also, please keep sharing and venting, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
Laurie- I have stated so many boundaries in the past and never stuck with them. Maybe it is because I don't want to be in this mess, but I don't want to break my family apart either. When I was 14 my mother died. My father had not to my knowledge ever drank up until then. After she died, he became an alcoholc. I was a 14 year old kid checking behind her father, yelling and screaming at him, etc. Now my kids are checking behind their father. When will it be bad enough to leave????
Can we just coexist in our home? I do not see how. Sometimes I wish I would have never made those threats 2 years ago. Eventhough he would get so wasted when we went out we didn't argue as much as we do now because of his relapses, etc. It is just a no win situation.
Can we just coexist in our home? I do not see how. Sometimes I wish I would have never made those threats 2 years ago. Eventhough he would get so wasted when we went out we didn't argue as much as we do now because of his relapses, etc. It is just a no win situation.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Dear Peace,
I was in your same shoes - last week, in fact. I too struggle with the "But what about honoring God" dilemma when it comes to my marriage. I don't take my vows lightly. Last week I got to the point where I said I just refuse to live with the alcohol anymore and told him he either went for treatment or moves out this weekend. I don't want a divorce, I am just no longer willing live with the alcohol. He is miserable, I'm miserable and he looks awful - not too long before the health completely fails if this keeps up.
In his case he's been pursuing health, sort of, by talking with a guy who is kind of acting as his sponsor, going to a meeting every week or two and reading a 12 step book - usually before getting hammered. He thinks he's doing great because he's "cutting back" and putting good stuff into his mind, but it was really just rationalization for perpetuating the BS. Of course by me insisting that he needed to do more to net healthful results felt to him like I didn't give him any credit. Quack, quack... Step back and look at the reality of the pattern - the truth.
My eyes just about bugged out when I read your post because he has said the exact things your husband said recently - "I just have to do this myself, I can do this, So-and-So did it and he didn't check into a treatment center... " blah, blah, blah. The night before last he was really loooooow and said something about wishing he would just die, so I called my therapist who suggested I just get him in the car and drive him down to a great rehab place that we're fortunate to live near, so I did.
I tried so hard when we were there in the parking lot to get him to go in, but he absolutely refused. (One thing I am not is a salesperson, plus I can't force him to do anything.) This was very difficult for me to do as I have been getting better about releasing my attempts at controlling him, but I was really afraid for his coming "crash" and felt that the ends justified the means. It was awful feeling like I had to make him - like pushing a wet noodle up a hill.
He got out of the car and walked from the semi-rural facility to town to get to a bus stop because I was refusing to leave the facility. I eventually picked him up and as we were driving home I went through the whole thing - you have no excuse not to go, etc, etc, etc. I broke own out of sheer frustration and despair and started sobbing and he said he would go - he said he couldn't stand to see me cry. He tried to backtrack almost immediately and I reminded him that he said he would go so now he had to (like that would do anything).
He decided he should consult his sponsor-guy (who did not attend a treatment facility to overcome his addiction years ago), thinking the guy would tell him he can do it on his own. However, the friend told him he should go for treatment, so he agreed to go. He was terrified, but he went. He checked in this afternoon! I am hopeful now as this is A victory, but realize that it is not yet THE victory.
At church I have been going to Celebrate Recovery. Look at http://www.celebraterecovery-we.com/...tory/index.php for a meeting in your area. It's a 12 step program with biblical emphasis - it's been helpful for me, and hopeful.
At our Celebrate Recovery last night there was a phenomenal speaker who had a lot of really good things to say and helped me to find some peace, even in my desperation. Her name is Deanna Allen and she's written a couple of books that I plan on reading. Her web site is:http://www.abundantplace.org/
Also, the book named Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can find it in print and audiobook at www.christianbooks.com . Goooood stuff for us there, too.
Praying for peace and wisdom for you...
I was in your same shoes - last week, in fact. I too struggle with the "But what about honoring God" dilemma when it comes to my marriage. I don't take my vows lightly. Last week I got to the point where I said I just refuse to live with the alcohol anymore and told him he either went for treatment or moves out this weekend. I don't want a divorce, I am just no longer willing live with the alcohol. He is miserable, I'm miserable and he looks awful - not too long before the health completely fails if this keeps up.
In his case he's been pursuing health, sort of, by talking with a guy who is kind of acting as his sponsor, going to a meeting every week or two and reading a 12 step book - usually before getting hammered. He thinks he's doing great because he's "cutting back" and putting good stuff into his mind, but it was really just rationalization for perpetuating the BS. Of course by me insisting that he needed to do more to net healthful results felt to him like I didn't give him any credit. Quack, quack... Step back and look at the reality of the pattern - the truth.
My eyes just about bugged out when I read your post because he has said the exact things your husband said recently - "I just have to do this myself, I can do this, So-and-So did it and he didn't check into a treatment center... " blah, blah, blah. The night before last he was really loooooow and said something about wishing he would just die, so I called my therapist who suggested I just get him in the car and drive him down to a great rehab place that we're fortunate to live near, so I did.
I tried so hard when we were there in the parking lot to get him to go in, but he absolutely refused. (One thing I am not is a salesperson, plus I can't force him to do anything.) This was very difficult for me to do as I have been getting better about releasing my attempts at controlling him, but I was really afraid for his coming "crash" and felt that the ends justified the means. It was awful feeling like I had to make him - like pushing a wet noodle up a hill.
He got out of the car and walked from the semi-rural facility to town to get to a bus stop because I was refusing to leave the facility. I eventually picked him up and as we were driving home I went through the whole thing - you have no excuse not to go, etc, etc, etc. I broke own out of sheer frustration and despair and started sobbing and he said he would go - he said he couldn't stand to see me cry. He tried to backtrack almost immediately and I reminded him that he said he would go so now he had to (like that would do anything).
He decided he should consult his sponsor-guy (who did not attend a treatment facility to overcome his addiction years ago), thinking the guy would tell him he can do it on his own. However, the friend told him he should go for treatment, so he agreed to go. He was terrified, but he went. He checked in this afternoon! I am hopeful now as this is A victory, but realize that it is not yet THE victory.
At church I have been going to Celebrate Recovery. Look at http://www.celebraterecovery-we.com/...tory/index.php for a meeting in your area. It's a 12 step program with biblical emphasis - it's been helpful for me, and hopeful.
At our Celebrate Recovery last night there was a phenomenal speaker who had a lot of really good things to say and helped me to find some peace, even in my desperation. Her name is Deanna Allen and she's written a couple of books that I plan on reading. Her web site is:http://www.abundantplace.org/
Also, the book named Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can find it in print and audiobook at www.christianbooks.com . Goooood stuff for us there, too.
Praying for peace and wisdom for you...
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