I made him leave
Just plainly tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
I made him leave
Well here I am again feeling out of it.... I am in a fog right now. Basically to make a long story short he was supposed to work last night, knew if he didnt he would lose his job. Needless to say he didnt go in because he wanted to get high. He lost his job because he was looking for a ten dollar hit. When I found him home I wanted to just flipped out.... I did a little. I took his Key to our home and hammered it down. Called his drug dealer and told him they need to give him a job selling crack because he will have no more money to buy drugs, through the timberlands I bought him a month ago out in the garbage. I started shaking my whole body couldnt stop shaking. I took a walk to calm down while I was walking I felt so much better in my heart I knew I would be okay. I came home... he said he needed to drink two beers to come down and then he would leave. I took all his dirty clothes put it in a duffle bag, with his toothbrush and whatever else he may need and pack it up.
When it was time to go he asked to stay again I told him no. I said I cant support him, my daughter our son and his drugs. That I lost the battle with his addiction and I cant do anymore. I told him that this is braking my heart because I can not take him back even if he does get clean and that this is something I have to accept because it's over. I called car service for him to go.... I had to pay $15. for this but heck he left peacefully. As he walking out of our home he said sorry twice. After he left I went hystreically I could even come here to SR. He called me last night at about ten asking to come home. I told him no.... I wanted so badly to say yes... but I still said no.
I cant believe our son will be one next week, exabf mother will be throwing Michael a birthday party and I will have to be there and see him and act very distant like I dont know him just to keep me strong. Our son will be a year old and this man chose drugs than life... he said the urge is so strong and that he isnt stronger than the urge.
I will write more later I have to get going.
Jewelz
When it was time to go he asked to stay again I told him no. I said I cant support him, my daughter our son and his drugs. That I lost the battle with his addiction and I cant do anymore. I told him that this is braking my heart because I can not take him back even if he does get clean and that this is something I have to accept because it's over. I called car service for him to go.... I had to pay $15. for this but heck he left peacefully. As he walking out of our home he said sorry twice. After he left I went hystreically I could even come here to SR. He called me last night at about ten asking to come home. I told him no.... I wanted so badly to say yes... but I still said no.
I cant believe our son will be one next week, exabf mother will be throwing Michael a birthday party and I will have to be there and see him and act very distant like I dont know him just to keep me strong. Our son will be a year old and this man chose drugs than life... he said the urge is so strong and that he isnt stronger than the urge.
I will write more later I have to get going.
Jewelz
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that this has happened and i know how bad this hurts, but it maybe what brings him to a place to want to help. i think you did what you had to do for you, now i pray that he gets willing to do whatever it takes for him to get clean and stay clean.
he is probably telling you the truth, to say that he is not stronger than the urge, now hopefully he will be more willing to seek help. i'm keeping you and your family in my prayers, and a special prayer that your ah finds his way soon.
he is probably telling you the truth, to say that he is not stronger than the urge, now hopefully he will be more willing to seek help. i'm keeping you and your family in my prayers, and a special prayer that your ah finds his way soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
(((Jewelz)))
I'll keep you in my prayers. You did what you needed to do to keep your sanity. You are an extremely strong person and you will make it through this.
A friend just told me yesterday (as I was having a 'bad' day at work). He told me "No bad days, only bad moments". I keep telling myself this and it certainly helped me through the day!
Stay strong and remember.....we're always here for you!
Jen
I'll keep you in my prayers. You did what you needed to do to keep your sanity. You are an extremely strong person and you will make it through this.
A friend just told me yesterday (as I was having a 'bad' day at work). He told me "No bad days, only bad moments". I keep telling myself this and it certainly helped me through the day!
Stay strong and remember.....we're always here for you!
Jen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 33
I am sorry that you are going through this Jewelz. My cah came to the point also where the drug meant more than the family. Hang in there and take it slow. My heart goes out to you! I will be praying for you. A healthy heart leading the family makes for a happy home. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
(((Jewelz))) It is the insanity of the disease. Do what you need to keep you and your children strong. You already know that it will not get better with him. Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
(((jewelz))) You did the very rightest thing. Stay strong, girl, and protect yourself and your kids. You are very very lucky that he went peaceably...it could've been so much worse. Here is a prayer for you and your family.
Peace
Peace
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
((Jewel))
We're on the same boat of desperation darling, i too had to distance myself from Rain. I haven't seen him for 3 days as i couldn't take the up-down feelings anymore. Now it's only down...but at least it's less chaotic!!
It really hurts isn't it..I haven't yet put a halt to my relationship with abf to be honnest, just few days without him to cool off and think things through...but i know that eventually if he doesn't seek help it'll be over. Anyway one day at a time, you did what you had to do for now and tomorrow is another day.
Lots of hugs
Carine
We're on the same boat of desperation darling, i too had to distance myself from Rain. I haven't seen him for 3 days as i couldn't take the up-down feelings anymore. Now it's only down...but at least it's less chaotic!!
It really hurts isn't it..I haven't yet put a halt to my relationship with abf to be honnest, just few days without him to cool off and think things through...but i know that eventually if he doesn't seek help it'll be over. Anyway one day at a time, you did what you had to do for now and tomorrow is another day.
Lots of hugs
Carine
Just plainly tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
My heart aches right now.. I pray that I could be strong. I don't want to give in.... You know it's one thing to not love a person anymore and move one, it's one thing to meet someone new and brake it off with him because I dont love him anymore.... but god it's so hard to love someone and brake it off... it hurts so bad.
I called his moms house this morning because Michael is there till tomorrow.
I spoke to his sister she said that he slept on the floor..... ( am I supposed to feel bad about this???) I told her good.
She said the he was playing with Michael a lot.. ( is he supposed to get a reward.... does that make him a father???)
and that he was sitting in the kitchen looking real sad ( probably just sad because he had no money for drugs..)
I wanted to tell her what about me I am the one whose sad, hurt and wants him home. But all I said to her was that he chosed to lose his job, not provide for Michael and I can't have him home if he doesn't do the right thing at leats before he was working and giving money. If I have him home he will drive me insane without him working. Then she was like well maybe he would get his job back. I told her he loves his drugs more than his son and that this isn't easy for me and I love him to death but what other choice do I have? She changed the subject and we hung up.
I am so tired right now.
hugs,
Jewel
I called his moms house this morning because Michael is there till tomorrow.
I spoke to his sister she said that he slept on the floor..... ( am I supposed to feel bad about this???) I told her good.
She said the he was playing with Michael a lot.. ( is he supposed to get a reward.... does that make him a father???)
and that he was sitting in the kitchen looking real sad ( probably just sad because he had no money for drugs..)
I wanted to tell her what about me I am the one whose sad, hurt and wants him home. But all I said to her was that he chosed to lose his job, not provide for Michael and I can't have him home if he doesn't do the right thing at leats before he was working and giving money. If I have him home he will drive me insane without him working. Then she was like well maybe he would get his job back. I told her he loves his drugs more than his son and that this isn't easy for me and I love him to death but what other choice do I have? She changed the subject and we hung up.
I am so tired right now.
hugs,
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
When we are finally able to stick up for ourselves and protect ourselves and not allow their addiction to rule our lives anymore it means that we have grown.
Throwing him out is not something we do in weakness. It is something we do in strength. We are finally taking care of us, and our needs and our sanity.
The fact that it hurts so badly shows how badly it needed to happen.
You can make it through this. It is horrible to have to make them go, but with them goes the terror and the humiliation and the heartbreak of watching them kill themselves. Which pain is worse? The disease or the treatment? They both hurt, but one moves you forward and one keeps you stuck.
Be strong.
Babs
Throwing him out is not something we do in weakness. It is something we do in strength. We are finally taking care of us, and our needs and our sanity.
The fact that it hurts so badly shows how badly it needed to happen.
You can make it through this. It is horrible to have to make them go, but with them goes the terror and the humiliation and the heartbreak of watching them kill themselves. Which pain is worse? The disease or the treatment? They both hurt, but one moves you forward and one keeps you stuck.
Be strong.
Babs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
I'm sorry but I believe you have done the right thing. You have taken the first step to getting rid of the chaos in your life and bringing peace back into your life. I'm sending prayers to you and your kids.
Just plainly tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
I know I did the right thing by having hime leave but really I have to be honest here I didnt want him to go. I want him home, I want a family, I want his love. I want to see him with our son, playing laughing and all the things he does. But what I have to keep reminding myself that those moments were getting less and less. i wish I could call him right now and say come home but I cant.
Jewel
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I am sorry Jewelz Im glad it was peaceful.
Something that helped me when dealing with my MIL was not call her that or ex instead refer to her as Michaels grandmother. I promise you it makes it easier, its weird but it does....
Im here for you if you need to PM me and I am proud of how you handled it.
Something that helped me when dealing with my MIL was not call her that or ex instead refer to her as Michaels grandmother. I promise you it makes it easier, its weird but it does....
Im here for you if you need to PM me and I am proud of how you handled it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Originally Posted by Jewelz 
I know I did the right thing by having hime leave but really I have to be honest here I didnt want him to go. I want him home, I want a family, I want his love. I want to see him with our son, playing laughing and all the things he does. But what I have to keep reminding myself that those moments were getting less and less. i wish I could call him right now and say come home but I cant.
Jewel
Jewel
You know those feelings are very normal. I said the same thing to my sister in law last night, they are good people when they are not acting so badly, but the problem is they do act badly adn only he can change that, its not your responsibility.
Just plainly tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
crazy when I was writing exabf it felt so weird I really didnt want to write it... I am not ready thank you for reminding me of others ways to pharse it... I feel so stuck.
Jewel
Jewel
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