feeling better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
feeling better
Well, despite the trauma of the last week or so I began to feel better yesterday.
On thing really shifted things for me--this realization that my abf is also MY codependent and enabler. This had never occurred to me before. It put things in some sort of perspective. I mean, I keep sitting around thinking that I am a victim of his alcoholism, and not understanding how I became roped into becoming the person I have become because of it. But now that I see that he plays that role for me I can be aware of how to not allow him to enable my bad behavior. He is just as caught in this codependency trap as I am and that leads me to feeling compassionate towards him and like we are not adversaries in this situation. we are not fighting against each other but rather fighting against this unhealthy relationship we are caught in.
Also, one of the reasons I sit around and worry about creating tough boundaries and all that has to do with fear--fear that he will ditch me or be mad at me about it, and I tend to just wimp out and let him walk all over me because of my dependency, but knowing that he is just as dependent on me gives me a feeling of power in this relationship that I didn't feel before. It is kind of like "You don't like my boundary then bugger off." and I realize that he just very well might respect it because of his dependency issues...
Okay, that might sound kind of manipulative and sick in some way, but it is true...
I spoke to him last night and he is really making light of our fight on tuesday and my violence. It bugged me that he is "letting me off the hook" for it. It is just a sign of his enabling...just like how I keep giving him another chance after yet another night out. I don't want to underplay it, it disturbed me and I feel I went too far, it was more than just a temper-tantrum, as he likes to describe it, and I do not want to ever attack anyone like that again.
I ended up going to my therapist twice this week in order to work on it. This is how he put it "extreme situations bring out extreme behavior in people"
From a philosophical point of view, of course all people are capable of violence, but I have never been like this before and I can see it has been building over the last few months, started with smashing up a phone...
I have often felt that the abf and I are trapped in this vicious cycle or reacting to each-other's bad behaviors in precisely the ways that trigger the bad behavior in us both. I still do not know what is going to happen with this but I must say...was pretty mellow and nice last night to just sit here with my son, watch a movie, read a book and go to bed without the tension of whether the abf would run out on me and having to wonder if he is going to call me in the middle of the night and want to come back here, and without feeling just plain ANGRY at him about everything.
On thing really shifted things for me--this realization that my abf is also MY codependent and enabler. This had never occurred to me before. It put things in some sort of perspective. I mean, I keep sitting around thinking that I am a victim of his alcoholism, and not understanding how I became roped into becoming the person I have become because of it. But now that I see that he plays that role for me I can be aware of how to not allow him to enable my bad behavior. He is just as caught in this codependency trap as I am and that leads me to feeling compassionate towards him and like we are not adversaries in this situation. we are not fighting against each other but rather fighting against this unhealthy relationship we are caught in.
Also, one of the reasons I sit around and worry about creating tough boundaries and all that has to do with fear--fear that he will ditch me or be mad at me about it, and I tend to just wimp out and let him walk all over me because of my dependency, but knowing that he is just as dependent on me gives me a feeling of power in this relationship that I didn't feel before. It is kind of like "You don't like my boundary then bugger off." and I realize that he just very well might respect it because of his dependency issues...
Okay, that might sound kind of manipulative and sick in some way, but it is true...
I spoke to him last night and he is really making light of our fight on tuesday and my violence. It bugged me that he is "letting me off the hook" for it. It is just a sign of his enabling...just like how I keep giving him another chance after yet another night out. I don't want to underplay it, it disturbed me and I feel I went too far, it was more than just a temper-tantrum, as he likes to describe it, and I do not want to ever attack anyone like that again.
I ended up going to my therapist twice this week in order to work on it. This is how he put it "extreme situations bring out extreme behavior in people"
From a philosophical point of view, of course all people are capable of violence, but I have never been like this before and I can see it has been building over the last few months, started with smashing up a phone...
I have often felt that the abf and I are trapped in this vicious cycle or reacting to each-other's bad behaviors in precisely the ways that trigger the bad behavior in us both. I still do not know what is going to happen with this but I must say...was pretty mellow and nice last night to just sit here with my son, watch a movie, read a book and go to bed without the tension of whether the abf would run out on me and having to wonder if he is going to call me in the middle of the night and want to come back here, and without feeling just plain ANGRY at him about everything.
Last edited by oneeyeopen; 03-10-2007 at 11:42 AM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
Thank you so much for your post. Some of the things that you have accepted are things I am struggling with and reading your post seemed to make the truth a bit clearer. Good luck with your situation. I can relate to so much of it.
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Great job recognizing a cycle of behavior because you're right when you can recognize why things happen then you can prevent them from happening again. I agree with your therapist but we both know that when things get physical then things have gone terribly wrong. You don't want a semi-controllable situation to get completely out of hand. Anyway it must have been refreshing to be to have a stress free day with your son. Try to have more like it. Nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. I don't think we realize how trying it is to be there for our addicts. It's like a job and sometimes we need a vacation. It also sounds to me that all this thinking and acknowledging begins your first steps into recovery. Good for you! And Good luck, Sweetie! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Glad "booklover" read your post and I'm glad I read it too. Thanks for sharing. I aways read Agatha Christie kind of books when the kids were little NOW I've graduated to Murder Mysteries which really get your mind off of things.
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