tryingtolive

I can't help but feel that I have Borderline Personality. It has gotten to the point that I am obsessed with it and I spend hours somedays reading about it looking for evidence that I don't have it. I am a young male age 23 and a senior in college. I have not felt good for about 5 years. Although I have seen psychologists and psychiatrits mentioned it, they say they didn't get that impression. But I haven't talked to them much yet. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings:


I have this sort of “brain fog”, this prevents me from thinking clear and thinking quickly sometimes. It’s hard to explain. (I am now on Strattera and the fog has gone away which is nice!)

I am not comfortable in most social situations. I am always nervous about what I am going to say or how I will be received by people. Other people don't seem to notice that I am nervous or that there is anything wrong with me. I still force myself to go and try because I don't like to sit at home.

I have pretty low self esteem but I try to convince others that I don't. I put on a front when I go out. I am pretty sure people can see through it, but its not like I can talk about what is really on my mind. No one wants to hang around with someone who’s head is a mess.

I always am comparing my life to my friends lives. It makes me feel better when i hear people aren't doing as well as me in school or whatever. It makes me feel better about myself when I know others are suffering too. I don't like that about myself.

I am very good at taking someone apart. By that I mean that if they **** me off I can instantly deliver a low blow and pick apart their self esteem by pointing out how much of a failure they are in certain areas. Although, I am very nice most of the time. Someone has to set me off.

I want people to like me. Well, I guess a better way to say that would be that I don't want anyone to not like me. I am a sensitive person.

Sometimes I have strange and unwanted thoughts that come into my head. Like thoughts of suicide and how I would do it. If I did die, who would even bother to show up to my funeral?

I do think that if I could ever get this constant feeling to go away I could do so many great things and really enjoy life.

Sometimes I am not really sure who I am. Or maybe depression and anxiety that seem to overshadow it. I don’t know, I am very confused. I feel lost and have for a while.

I sometimes think that other people are talking bad about me when I am not around. Like saying I am weird, strange, or boring.

I am always trying to perceive what others are thinking (not just about me, but about everything).

I have not been able to make many close friends at school these past few years because of the way I feel. I joined a fraternity but would often stay in my room because I was to uncomfortable to go hangout with people.


Yes, I have read the DSM criteria for BPD about 43,664,255 times and can meet some criteria. I just don't get how extreme the behavior has to be.

With abandonment issues I don't make frantic efforts (whatever that really means) to avoid being alone. In fact I have been alone for a lot of the time (often researching about mental health on the computer to find out why the eff I feel the way I do). I don't need to always be around someone. If I have a girlfriend, which I don't (how can I feeling like this?), in the past it always makes me feel better when she calls, or does something for me. It is like reasurrance that she likes me and cares for me. I suppose that could be just insecurity. The last real girlfriend I had was a while ago. I have had flings here but one of them was more of just a hook up and the other one I was with out of lonliness. I never really liked her from the start and I knew that. I feel bad for doing that to her. I broke up with her after a few weeks. There was another girl that I kinda liked and hooked up with but I think maybe I came on too strong. I was a drunken mess when we hungout and think I tried to rush things because I was pretty lonely and wanted to be with someone. I tried to take her out to dinner one time, she said yes but when I called to tell her what time I would pick her up she never answered. She basically stood me up. I saw her later and she said that she just wasn't sure if she wanted to go on a date. This confused me because she said yes earlier. Who knows?


I never have burned myself, cut myself, or self injured. Unless popping pimples is self injurying?


I know people here aren't doctors but what do you all think is going on with me?



I know many people here read and don't respond but I would greatly appreciate many responses and other people's input.

tryingtolive

Also, another thing I have been doing lately is looking at other people and trying to see if they have any sort of personality disorder...Strange huh?

historyteach

Trying;
As you know, none of us are doctors here. And even if we were, we couldn't diagnose you online.
Please continue to speak to your doctor. Only s/he can help you find those answers.
We're here to support you in your struggle.

Shalom!

eire rose

Hi Tryingtolive

I agree with History Teach, you really need to sit down with a Dr and discuss this.

What you are describing sounds more like depression to me.

I dated someone who had Borderline personality disorder. He called 20 times a day, very obsessive, possessive, couldn't be alone, someone always had to be around him whether it was me or his family etc.... Had dellusional thoughts, things like I was cheating constantly, looking at my phone, some really off behaviour. There is more but I can't really remember all of it.

From what you described it didn't strike me as BPD, but I am not a doctor either, so seeing one would be a good idea.

Love, Rose

Bozo

I cant remember, did you post on this topic earlier, like about a month ago or something?

I mean like yeah you got a lot going on, but a lot of it just seems to be personality flaws, like people pleasing, low self esteem, paranoid other people are talking about us behind our backs and putting us down and of course insecurity and the fear of abandonment.

I have had all of the above and until I stopped drinking and became active in an AA program(teaches you how to live life on lifes terms), I had the same crap floating around in my head that you do.

Do yourself a favor. Forget about what other people think of you. This is the first step in removing yourself from the role of victim. And did you ever stop to think that maybe you are just shy when it comes to hanging around other people, I know I am and I am the kind of a guy that likes to put the front on as well.

I wish you well, you are young and you have time, start now, I think you are going to be OK. Mike

tryingtolive

Thanks for the replies guys. And yes Bozo, I have posted on this topic before. I can't help it, like your sig says, im all I think about. My college years have been the hardest of my life. Not nearly the fun that it should have been.

Anyway, I appreciate the replies and if anyone has anymore input I would love to hear it, even though I know you all are not docs.

shutterbug

Some of the things listed by Eire Rose...are things that some people do who don't have borderline PD too.

Tryingtolive...

I see SO many of my same issues in what you've posted here.

I'm overly paranoid these days about people talking about me (part of my bipolar and my co-dependency issues, and partly human nature)

I'm a HUGE people pleaser (comes from my codie issues and being human).

I'm always trying to figure out what people are thinking about me and sometimes even what people are thinking about others around me. I often create almost entire dialogues of what "might" have been said or done (part codie, part bipolar issues and part human nature).

I'm extremely uncomforatable in social situations. When I don't know anyone or only a few -- that's the hardest for me. (there's actually something called Social Anxiety Disorder...but in mild and moderate forms this same thing can come as part of many other illnesses and even personalities).

Everyone has thoughts about who would come to their funeral if they died - don't they?! Suicidal thoughts and thinking along these lines is more serious and speaks to the depression you're going through and shouldn't be dismissed. Please make sure you have someone to talk to regularly who has a background in professional counseling.

We all want to be liked. (human nature)

Low self-esteem...well I don't think mine is low...I THINK MINE IS EMPTY!! (this also can come from a variety of things, but the main one that sticks out to me is codie issues, but depression makes low self-esteem even lower)

we ALL compare ourselves to others! And especially when we are feeling low and in a depression. It's one of the bigger things I struggle with.

Because I've spent most of my life tearing myself apart...it's not that hard to pull others apart as it's almost second nature in my mind. But ...as you, I'm not that kind of person. I rarely do lash out and when I do, I usually realize it and appologize or stop myself as I've learned to do. MOST IMPORTANTLY HERE ....is that the fact that you care about other people's feelings and you care so much about if people like you or are talking bad about you and are wanting to please people......that's the OPPOSITE of Borderline Personality Disorder!

I'm 30 and still trying to figure out who I am!!!! If your 60 and still sometimes wonder who you are...then perhaps it's time to look deeper into that as it's human nature to learn more about who each of us are as we grow older. (so I chalk this one up to human nature too)

I've got TONs and TONs of brain fog (which can come with both my bipolar disorder and the ADD/ADHD -- I have a dual diagnosis of both, so together they make LOTS of fog!)

If you pop pimples to the point of it being a near-daily thing that you do for any real lenght of time to where ends up tearing your skin apart...that is self-injury. (I've done this since the 5th grade...with it having gotten worse over the years).

And it's totally normal to look to others to see if you notice mood or personality disorders in them. That is what you have been focusing on so much lately and that is where your thoughts are. If you had a mole or freckle that you found out to be cancerous and started learning about skin cancer....then you'd be looking at everyone's freakles and moles!!! It's just a natural human thing that you are doing by trying to figure out other people in relation to yourself.

Mostly, I think the main issues standing in your way right now could be the similar to mine right now which is:

Anxiety
Depression
Low Self-Esteem
Frustration
Fear (of what is to happen next)

And none of these are solely symptoms of any specific disorder....and in fact can all just be symptoms of life in their mild forms. Psychology is a mixed bag of guesses...even for the docs. It's a matter of pulling out one hat at a time and trying them on until finding the one that seems to fit the best out of the rest.

Again, You could probably benefit from having a psychologist administer an in-depth, diagnostic evaluation. And there's never any harm in having more than one done to see if different doctors agree or come to the same conclusions.

You are on a good track with wanting so many answers...Don't stop asking question, but just try not to let yourself get to overwhelmed by "what you do" or "what you don't" have. It's MORE IMPORTANT to live your life as best you can -- rather than worry yourself sick trying to figure out what may or may not be wrong with it.


Giant Hugs,
Jenna

reikihelps

Dear tryingtolive,

Good for you for reaching out. Whether or not your diagnosis is accurate, consider a second opinion from another doc. Start from scratch and see what happens. Could be very helpful.
I have a relative who was misdiagnosed. The second diagnosis was on the money and that was very helpful for the right treatment.
hang in there

Adore

Hey trying to live,

Just adding to all of the wonderful things that have been said, I recognize myself in what you wrote.

Are we obsessing too much? There is this saying, Focus on the Solution. Don't focus on the Problem.

if we KNOW all the ins and outs of our sickness, that is great. But there's more to do. I guess that's the question to ask, what next?

maybe we don't know HOW to feel good. So, we don't change. Or, we keep doing what we're doing...which is analyzing the problems.

Maybe since you're not sure how, perhaps you keep doing the investigating and analyzing and reviewing the symptoms.

Perhaps devote a little time each day, towards a solution. Cos understanding is part of it, but to change, I guess we got to accept that we are this way. And then, do different things, try different behavioral changes for our lives to be impacted.

Hope there's some sense in the above...

I think the solutions are what ur doing by reaching out and that's just awesome!

Solutions aren't easy for me to find, from personal experience. They are trial-and-error for me, each day even.

When we first start recovery, everything can seem so overwhelming.

Keep on posting!

tryingtolive

I think my main issue is that I am just insecure and sensitive. I have low self esteem, if someone says something that I perceive as being hurtful or taking a shot at me I will either get very depressed for a few hours or get very defensive. I always seem to keep my cool, although I wish sometimes I could just punch someone. I just obsess over BPD for some reason. I suppose because I see some of the similarities in myself and borderline people but I have talked with my psych. and they don't seem to think that I have it. Who knows.

I also need some new friends. The ones I have now (not all of them) aren't going anywhere in life and are not good for me. I've known this for a while. Thing is, I really don't know how to meet new people. ANd because of my low self esteem and insecurites it is hard for me to make new friends. Well, ones I would feel comfortable calling up to hangout anyways.

Bozo

Join the crowd!!!

tryingtolive

Yes I know. My problems aren't more important than others. I just need some extra support and hope to get it from those who understand what I have been going through.

Adore

completely get the thing about getting new friends. i barely have any...I got so offended by people, I just let them go. My history with friendships is like a history of abandonment. I abandon them..

Unfortunately, getting new friends takes the two things I hate most - work and time...

Good luck with the process...remember to be gentle on urself. :-)

IO Storm

Hello.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I in June. Wow. It does explain a lot. You know, if I had gone to a doctor and really told them EVERYTHING I was feeling and experiencing I would have received help sooner. No one has looked down one me, all I have received is support. My family is relieved because I was so into myself, ( I couldn't help it), I ostracized everone that cared about me. I was a tornado and a crying lamb from one day to the next.

I wish I could hug you, I know how you feel concerning the loneliness of being tied up inside. Whether you have this or an anxiety or OBC or any other disorder, you need to be diagnosed correctly and thusly treated correctly.

Maybe my headlong dive into addiction was exacerbated by
self diagnosis (my degree is in behavioral science and pscychology),
and self medication.

I can only speak from my own experience.

Last drink 2/8/06.
Last drug 6/8/06.

Stabilized on meds now.. Doing well one day at a time.

Love you.

Keep posting.

IO

CTown

I was diagnosed with BPD I for the first time at age 7, very unusual, and at that age I had no clue what that meant. Once I got older and got into booze and other substances I stopped taking my meds and stopped seeing my shrink. BAD IDEA! My sophomore year in college I decided maybe it was time to get back on meds and talking about my issues again. Being so deep into my addiction I couldn't be honest about what was really going on and was re-diagnosed incorrectly and put on meds that made me crazier than I already was, so again I stopped taking them. When I was first getting sober I went back but still couldn't be honest and was put on the wrong kind of meds again. Now that I've got some time and be truly be honest my shirnk can see what's really going on. I am on the right meds now and stabilized. I still have all those feelings you talk about but my mood swings are much more in control. I guess the point of this tirade is to be honest with your doctor, if they feel you need meds and you aren't being honest it will only hurt you. I am 23 also and I've been dealing with these issues for a very long time. I could not and would not accept that I had BPD for the longest time, but now that I have things have gotten much better. Keep asking questins, keep doing reasearch. There are a lot of good websites out there with all sorts of information. Good luck!

reikihelps

Dear CTown,
This is just too cool kNOw God kNOw hope. I love it!
And IO Storm, Congratulations on your days clean.
And Tryingtolive, We all need support. No shame in that. I find it easier to give than to take but a friend I have is teaching me that accepting the help helps her and me. I am becoming more balanced. A little more each day.
Thanks for starting this thread.
(((peace)))
RH

CTown

Thanks reikihelps! That's the tattoo I have on my back.

DoubleV

See a psych it's the only way to know for sure.

But just so you know. BPD tends to be overdiagnosed. It's kind of a go to diagnosis when they don't really know what's going on, just that the person is self destructive, moody, has anger management issues and has abandonment issues. There's quite a few disorders that have simmilar symptoms. Just get in to a psych they'll be able to get to know you and figure out what is really going on. Besides a diagnoses is a label and labels are for cans, don't define yourself by a disorder.