lovecat

i have been so committed to him & NEVER been unfaithfull ....... he has & when i start to trust him i found on the internet he was talking to other women ......... 1 year ago he left me for a women he was talking on the internet ...they had an affaiair ................ I try to talk to him but he wont listen .......................... i am so sad ....... he wont even say hes sorry .......... i also know some of my drinking is because of this ... NEED TO GET RID OF HIM ........ then I can Live ........ but what do you do when you love them ??????????????? Tonighte he told me my was a diryty ***** ***** .... j
because i wanted to talk about where our relationship .......

Missymae737

Hello Lovecat,

I think you need to decide whether your relationship is happy. If not, is it a trigger to your sobriety? Has he stripped you of your independence? Is he there for you? It doesn't seem so. Your partner being unfaithful, is not justified. Maybe you need to move on.

Concentrate on your sobriety.

I know it is hard to leave when you "love them", but with time the pain will fade.

lovecat

the **** ***** .... im so hurt by this ... he even shouted it out at the garage when we were getting fuel for his car ... so people could hear ... i had only just home from work .... so what had i done wrong ?????

Golfman

Lovey,

My guess is that he's rather be somewhere else, doing somebody else. That may sound disappointing, but the fact is that he's been unfaithful to you and probably won't stop. He's probably using your past drinking behavior as an excuse to bail out on you. Since you've begun your recovery, he has one less excuse to use when he wants to go "prowling." So he makes up these names to call you iin order to excuse his behavior.

It may be that he'd also like you back the way you were, drinking. It's a great excuse for any spouse who's not committed to the relationship. Some spouses find it very convenient for the other spouse to pre-occupied by drinking or something else. It gives them the chance to do what they really want.

You say you love him. I don't doubt that in your mind that's true. It may also be true that because you're now trying to do the right thing, you're looking for someone to be kind to you and your husband is the closest thing.

I'm no psychologist, but I've spent enough time making up excuses for my behavior in the past that I wouldn't put it past your husband to do or say anything to get what he wants. I've also spent many hours with my own psychologist to know my mind used to work exactly like his. I'd call my wife anything to get what I wanted. Usually I just wanted to go out and get drunk. I used her as an excuse, even blaming her for my drinking. I was nasty and mean. I never wanted to take responsibility for my actions. It was always someone else's fault.

I'm sorry you're going through this Lovey, but don't forget, a sober way of life has many rewards you haven't experienced yet. Please don't let the negatives in your life outweigh the positives yet to come!!!

xxoo,
Ed

splendra

((((lcat)))


Honey you don't deserve to be talked down to. You are better than that. Don't take his cr@p cause unfortunatly the more you take of it the more he will dish out....

best

Many times...nothing. How other people act is because of their issues.

As you look over your own behaviors, look for things that may need improvements...not what he says you need but what you find you need.
His words could just be his lashing out because of his own inner battle with his own issues.
You said your drinking is the problem? Is your drinking a problem?
If so...look for solutions for your own benefit.
Seek solutions for things you may find that need improvement. By doing what you can to fix things that could be wrong in your life, you are doing the best you can. Your space clean... he will need work on his space and issues for himself.

WantsOut

Here's something that it took me a long time to learn: some people like to hurt other people.

Why? Why would they do it over and over again? Because it feels good to them. Makes them feel big to make others feel small.

There are few people on earth as easily victimized as a remorseful, self-loathing active alcoholic. Yes, we read a lot about people being victimized by alcoholics, but your situation is common too. He seems to be using your illness, your pain, your suffering to make himself feel good. He calls you names and hurts you because he likes it.

I'm so so sorry - I know it hurts. But you know what I see for you? I have a dream of you six months from now. You are sober, in recovery, in therapy, and you feel good. You look good too. You are becoming you in my dream and his insults mean nothing to you anymore.

Missymae737

Hi,

I meant to say that any partner who is unfaithful, this practice is unacceptable.

teej

I'd dump his butt like a hot potato!!!!!!

Surlyredhead

I was at a meeting about 11-12 years ago, and I heard someone say something that still blows my mind everytime I think about it!! I say it often to myself and others...


"When the pain of our situation is worse than our fear of change....we will change!" So ask yourself......Is the pain of him constantly humiliating you WORSE than your fear of change?

I only say this because I was in a similar situation some years ago, I used to agonize over what I would do with out him (and I had a baby!) I though I loved him, then I realized it was more a fear of being alone , than a feeling of love that kept me with him. When I heard that saying, a light went on....suddenly it all made sense, and the pain WAS worse than the fear...I put him out!!! Guess what, I didn't die...I didn't use..and life went on. Was it easy..NO!!! Did I call my support people and cry at all hours of the day and night at first...YES!!! Then I went on with my life...and am raising my Son in a stress free enviroment (well, except for the stress of having an11 year old Son on the brink of puberty...pray for me!) I love me today, I am a great gal and a great Mom...and there is no waiting to tell me different when I go home!

Good Luck with what ever your choice is.....you are not alone!!! SRH

hope3

Hi lovecat, no one, no one, no one deserves to be talked to like that, no matter what they did or didn't do....

I think you are on the right track thinking he is not good for your self esteem.

People like him usually communicate like that because it's nothing to them, they grew up with it, but that is no excuse....

Do whats right for you lovecat.....You deserve much better!

((((((((((((((hope3)))))))))))))

Anna

Hi Lovecat,

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. Please try to understand that it is not your fault, that there is nothing wrong with you.

There is lots of support here and I hope you will keep posting.

Pilgrim

I totally relate to this message Lovecat because my partner is exactly the same. He moved out last week. I was a total mess. Today, I see him and I don't feel much at all.

I agree with Ed. When I stopped drinking, my SO started spending a lot of time and energy trying to make me feel like a loser. He didn't need to spend so much energy on it when I drank - my self esteem was already rock bottom. He was unfaithful to me many times and I was always drunk so I didn't need to face the reality of that. He wouldn't touch me but would spend hours looking at porn on the internet and chatting to other women.

I drank to anaesthetise myself but I also drank becuase I wanted to drink and my body was telling me I needed to drink to survive. As Ed says, he wants to be somewhere else and if you give him the slightest reason (like asking him to be faithful - how dare we suggest such a thing?), he will be off. If you don't give him a reason, he will make one happen. You haven't done anything wrong. He is the one with the problem.

One thing that helped me was staying sober. It hurts like hell at first but after a little while, I came to see how he is. Now I look at him with fresh eyes and I can see how he works. The relationship is dead - it was dead before I stopped drinking. It is horrible because relationships often end just when you need support, love, understanding and companionship. This chap doesn't sound like he will be able to give you that and all your love for him won't help. He feels guilty about that because he knows he is being a tosser. That makes him angrier at you even though you absolutely don't deserve it!. Sigh.

Try to stay sober and I hope and pray that you will find some peace by doing that. Drinking will make the situation seem much worse.

Lots of love and thoughts from

Dubs

P.S. You deserve better. You are the best and you are doing so well. We are here for you.

Pilgrim

Sorry - one more thing. It also helps if I think about it like I am a cat. Stick with me here because my brain is not functioning at full speed. A cat will stay around if you keep feeding it crumbs. If you stop with the crumbs, it will go off in search of a full meal. Forget the crumbs. Go find a banquet somewhere. It may be a long search and it is pretty lonely (especially when the forum isn't working!!!!) but we could do it together maybe?

Golfman

LoveCat,

Stick with dubz, she's a winner!!!

TryingisDying

"When the pain of our situation is worse than our fear of change....we will change!" So ask yourself......Is the pain of him constantly humiliating you WORSE than your fear of change?


This for me was life changing. I heard this after I hit bottom.

Lovecat....It sounds like there is no longer a relationship there. He has moved on in his mind already. You don't deserve to be treated that way...Let him go and work on you. You will be so much happier in the end and he will be just as stuck as ever with a "E-relationship".....((HUGS)) move past the fear and pain and see the light!

lovecat

WOW that has really took my breath away .... & i find what you have said so me .... maybe i am staying around for crumbs i never though abought it like that .... I am going to write it down & keep this close to me to remind me Thankyou xxxxxxx

Golfman

Now that's the progress we love to see!!!!

lovecat

Hi thanks for all your support ... felt really bad last night BUT did not have a drink ( god i felt like it though ).... i sorted out my work clothes had a bath & went to bed in the spare room .... got up this morning & just went to work feeling good that i had not surrended to alcohol ..... i am doing well i can go 3 days without were by before finding this forum i couldnt even go 1 ( god knows how ive kept down my job ) im changing albeit slowly im doing it .. yes i do think he is a hinderance to my complete sobriety i need to do some really soul seeking thinking .... i think maybe he is part of my addiction as i never drank like this with my first hubby ( 10 years ago ) ..... Im not turning back on the journy that i have began .... somehow i dont think he will be my companion .....
Im still in there .... im still newby & struggling day 3 is a struggle ... but so was day 1 a couple of weeks ago .... ((((((((((hugs to all of you)))))))))))))

Pilgrim

Howdy Lovecat

I'm hungry! You? A banquet awaits. Bring it on! One day girlfriend. We'll wait this out together.

In the meantime, we can get a full three meals a day by being sober and being here.

Honestly, I spent five years trying to get him to love me the way I loved him. Every time I needed him he headed for the hills. Now I don't need him and I can see him for what he is (through sober eyes). He continues to chase other women, oggle them, surf the net, drink. Nothing I ever said changed that and I have given up.

I definitely drank to ease the pain of his inability to give me the love I craved. Inability not unwillingness.

Forgive him. He is sick (mine is too). We can't help them - they have to help themselves. The more we try to reach them so that thet "get it", the more they will pull away.

The rejection was hard to bear when I had zero self esteem. With every day that passes, I like myself more and the rejection doesn't seem like rejection any more. It seems like stupidity.

Funny thing - now that I don't want him any more, he is all interested again.

Nope - banquets await.