Accepting the things you cannot change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 62
Accepting the things you cannot change
I am working hard on acceptence, Accepting people places and things I cannot change, and finding the courage to change the things I can which is me, my attitudes and my behaviour.
My daughter is a recovering alcoholic and my son is still out there drinking and using, me ex-partner was an alcoholic and my current partner suffers from an illness and needs morphine 4 times a day and has done for many years to cope with his illness.
I can honestly say that for years I have gone out of my mind trying to 'HELP' everybody. My daughter tells me to be her mum not her psychartrist, my son constantly tells me to stay out of his business, so long as I give him what he wants, and I am sometimes at my wits end as to what to do any more about my partner, over the years he's been seen by doctors, specialists who have all said they cannot find anything wrong with him. so they prescribed morphine and left him to it, he is doped up all the time and I find it very difficult to cope with.
I attend alanon meetings and found this website a week ago and I love it, I get hope daily from all of you.
I have to accept that I cannot change anybody else but myself and learn to let go. Please give me some tips. I dont know who I am somedays but I am learning a little about myself everyday.
Lots and lots of lover to you all.
God Bless
Julie.
My daughter is a recovering alcoholic and my son is still out there drinking and using, me ex-partner was an alcoholic and my current partner suffers from an illness and needs morphine 4 times a day and has done for many years to cope with his illness.
I can honestly say that for years I have gone out of my mind trying to 'HELP' everybody. My daughter tells me to be her mum not her psychartrist, my son constantly tells me to stay out of his business, so long as I give him what he wants, and I am sometimes at my wits end as to what to do any more about my partner, over the years he's been seen by doctors, specialists who have all said they cannot find anything wrong with him. so they prescribed morphine and left him to it, he is doped up all the time and I find it very difficult to cope with.
I attend alanon meetings and found this website a week ago and I love it, I get hope daily from all of you.
I have to accept that I cannot change anybody else but myself and learn to let go. Please give me some tips. I dont know who I am somedays but I am learning a little about myself everyday.
Lots and lots of lover to you all.
God Bless
Julie.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Julie,
I think the thing that has really helped me is having awareness of the things I say and I do in regards to my A. My actions were very automatic and it took a lot of eye opening on my part to start recognizing what I was doing and how I was acting.
Once the awareness comes in, start doing the opposite. It will be hard, b/c it will go against everything you've always done. You will be breaking old patterns and learning new ones. It may take a while to figure out what new patterns to replace the old ones with, but pretty soon you'll know, b/c you'll start to feel more at peace.
For instance, the next time your son asks for something, if you would normally say yes, just say no. Offer no excuses, and don't let him convince you to change your mind. After a while, saying no will become easier, and you'll start to feel better about the whole situation. A lot of us feel guilty in the beginning, but keep remembering the three C's and the Serenity prayer, and you'll be just fine.
Hugs,
JG
I think the thing that has really helped me is having awareness of the things I say and I do in regards to my A. My actions were very automatic and it took a lot of eye opening on my part to start recognizing what I was doing and how I was acting.
Once the awareness comes in, start doing the opposite. It will be hard, b/c it will go against everything you've always done. You will be breaking old patterns and learning new ones. It may take a while to figure out what new patterns to replace the old ones with, but pretty soon you'll know, b/c you'll start to feel more at peace.
For instance, the next time your son asks for something, if you would normally say yes, just say no. Offer no excuses, and don't let him convince you to change your mind. After a while, saying no will become easier, and you'll start to feel better about the whole situation. A lot of us feel guilty in the beginning, but keep remembering the three C's and the Serenity prayer, and you'll be just fine.
Hugs,
JG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
That was very good advise from Journey...
The only thing I would add is take your time. Acceptance IS at the heart and it is a good place to start. Something that stops me many times and I got this from Ann is saying "I am powerless" over and over and over if that is what it takes. Bucause more times than not it is the truth.
Hugs,
JT
The only thing I would add is take your time. Acceptance IS at the heart and it is a good place to start. Something that stops me many times and I got this from Ann is saying "I am powerless" over and over and over if that is what it takes. Bucause more times than not it is the truth.
Hugs,
JT
Last edited by JT; 04-21-2003 at 05:59 AM.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Jewel,
Sorry if I'm late in welcoming you to the boards, but let me say "welcome".
I agree with Journey and JT, especially on the idea of taking your time. I know I am just 5 1/2 months into recovery with my daughter, and everyday I learn something new about all this and about myself. Some days are more enlightening than others. And to be honest, some days I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. But I think that is life, and I just pray that I continue to have more steps forward than back. And I do that by trying to practice the 12 steps of the Al Anon program. And admit I do have a HP to handle of all this for me for I am powerless over any of this mess and He is in control.
Keep coming back and reading. I'm sure you'll come to love this place/site as much as I do. So glad you have joined us!
Love,
Hangin' In
Sorry if I'm late in welcoming you to the boards, but let me say "welcome".
I agree with Journey and JT, especially on the idea of taking your time. I know I am just 5 1/2 months into recovery with my daughter, and everyday I learn something new about all this and about myself. Some days are more enlightening than others. And to be honest, some days I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. But I think that is life, and I just pray that I continue to have more steps forward than back. And I do that by trying to practice the 12 steps of the Al Anon program. And admit I do have a HP to handle of all this for me for I am powerless over any of this mess and He is in control.
Keep coming back and reading. I'm sure you'll come to love this place/site as much as I do. So glad you have joined us!
Love,
Hangin' In
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Jewel
Great topic. It's funny because JT quoted me and how I had to walk around saying "I am powerless" about 150 times a day, because I am going to quote JT, in that she reminded me often to examine what part I was playing in the drama.
When I learned not to participate in their chaos, when I learned to accept thing as they were and not how I wished them to be, when I learned that I had no ownership of their disease or recovery, and when I learned to trust God that he had a plan and that it was a good plan no matter how many times I screwed it up, then is when I learned to accept the things I cannot change.
It only took me a few years LOL, but I finally "got it".
Great topic. It's funny because JT quoted me and how I had to walk around saying "I am powerless" about 150 times a day, because I am going to quote JT, in that she reminded me often to examine what part I was playing in the drama.
When I learned not to participate in their chaos, when I learned to accept thing as they were and not how I wished them to be, when I learned that I had no ownership of their disease or recovery, and when I learned to trust God that he had a plan and that it was a good plan no matter how many times I screwed it up, then is when I learned to accept the things I cannot change.
It only took me a few years LOL, but I finally "got it".
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Jewel
all the replies are excellent and so true, admitting our
powerlessness over another is the first step in a long road
that i'm learning will probably take me a life time to keep
practicing. Because our lives change and circumstances change
I need to be aware that my response to others actions can
throw me off very easily ! especialy when it comes to expectatons
Expecting others to do things the way I think they should
As though I know whats best for them ! and when I do that
I set myself up for..the fall and it hurts badly.
I like when you said" i'm learning a little about myself every day"
because I think with this program we dont have to rush anything
theres no time limit involved, its great, no pressure, just working
the program slowly and with patience in mind,being easy on ourselves. God knows most of us have been through the fire and back.
take care Jewel I think your doing good, the awareness is there !
love
liddy
all the replies are excellent and so true, admitting our
powerlessness over another is the first step in a long road
that i'm learning will probably take me a life time to keep
practicing. Because our lives change and circumstances change
I need to be aware that my response to others actions can
throw me off very easily ! especialy when it comes to expectatons
Expecting others to do things the way I think they should
As though I know whats best for them ! and when I do that
I set myself up for..the fall and it hurts badly.
I like when you said" i'm learning a little about myself every day"
because I think with this program we dont have to rush anything
theres no time limit involved, its great, no pressure, just working
the program slowly and with patience in mind,being easy on ourselves. God knows most of us have been through the fire and back.
take care Jewel I think your doing good, the awareness is there !
love
liddy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 62
Thanks to all of you, Just Tired, Anns, Hangin-in, Liddy, and journeygal for your kind words and suggestions. I've just logged in to find all this support, wonderful, I will be here daily.
God Bless you all
Love and hugs
Jewel
God Bless you all
Love and hugs
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Jewel - welcome! You will find a wealth of support here at SR. Your first paragraph really hit home with me as I made a huge breakthrough in regards to that this weekend - it feels so good!
I hope you will continue to be part of our family here - it has been a lifesaver for me so many times! Just to know that the things that I go through are not unique has helped me more than I can say.
Love and hugs.
I hope you will continue to be part of our family here - it has been a lifesaver for me so many times! Just to know that the things that I go through are not unique has helped me more than I can say.
Love and hugs.
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