Dilemma
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 3
Dilemma
Hello,
my recovering A and I have been separated since 2001, we are still married, I still help him w/ bills, I still ask him for $ when I overspent (on him) and can't pay for my own bills (such as daycare, utilities, etc.) He usually does give me some $, but is not even half of what I spend on him.
This " I pay your bills but you need to pay back later" is the only link left....I know I need to break it but don't know how. I keep thinking that someday, somehow, he will get it and will become responsible. I also feel this is the only way I can have some control over him (and his relationship with our daughter)
We have a 2 yr. old, she loves him so much, cries for him in her sleep (which is extremely painful for me). I think that if I leave him and don't help anymore, he will be one of those dads that only come to visit on special occasions like x-mas, and b-days. well, he already does that....
He has been sober for 6 weeks now, is this the right time for me to tell him that I cannot pay for him anymore? I'm going broke because of him but I don't want this to be a ssetback on his recovery. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Alis
my recovering A and I have been separated since 2001, we are still married, I still help him w/ bills, I still ask him for $ when I overspent (on him) and can't pay for my own bills (such as daycare, utilities, etc.) He usually does give me some $, but is not even half of what I spend on him.
This " I pay your bills but you need to pay back later" is the only link left....I know I need to break it but don't know how. I keep thinking that someday, somehow, he will get it and will become responsible. I also feel this is the only way I can have some control over him (and his relationship with our daughter)
We have a 2 yr. old, she loves him so much, cries for him in her sleep (which is extremely painful for me). I think that if I leave him and don't help anymore, he will be one of those dads that only come to visit on special occasions like x-mas, and b-days. well, he already does that....
He has been sober for 6 weeks now, is this the right time for me to tell him that I cannot pay for him anymore? I'm going broke because of him but I don't want this to be a ssetback on his recovery. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Alis
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Alis.
Umm... I don't get how you think you are controlling him by paying his bills. You are the one getting boxed in. You are the one who has to come up to the mark to get whatever little cooperation you get from him. The time to tell him you can't pay his bills is when you can't pay his bills.... drunk, sober, whatever. You are already supporting yourself and a child. That's plenty without having to carry another capable adult. What kind of relationship does he have with his daughter if you have to purchase his presence? How is he going to "get it" about becoming responsible if he never has to? In the spirit of friendship you might offer to sit down and help him budget so he can live within his means. It isn't necessary to his recovery that he be allowed to freeload.
Hugs,
Smoke
Umm... I don't get how you think you are controlling him by paying his bills. You are the one getting boxed in. You are the one who has to come up to the mark to get whatever little cooperation you get from him. The time to tell him you can't pay his bills is when you can't pay his bills.... drunk, sober, whatever. You are already supporting yourself and a child. That's plenty without having to carry another capable adult. What kind of relationship does he have with his daughter if you have to purchase his presence? How is he going to "get it" about becoming responsible if he never has to? In the spirit of friendship you might offer to sit down and help him budget so he can live within his means. It isn't necessary to his recovery that he be allowed to freeload.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I have to agree with Smoke
He needs to start pulling his own weight. Your continuing to pay his bills is not accomplishing anything healthy or responsible. If he is only going to be a father to your daughter as long as you carry his financial burden, I have to wonder how that will benefit your little girl.
Let me stop here and say that none of what I am suggesting is easy. The only thing I can offer is, what would you tell your very best friend who was in your situation? Because you need to act on your own behalf, and be your own very best friend right now. Be particular, don't settle for anything less than the very best for you and your daughter.
Peace,
Gabe
Let me stop here and say that none of what I am suggesting is easy. The only thing I can offer is, what would you tell your very best friend who was in your situation? Because you need to act on your own behalf, and be your own very best friend right now. Be particular, don't settle for anything less than the very best for you and your daughter.
Peace,
Gabe
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